I survived!

Isn't there a t.v. show called, "I should be dead?" No, wait! It's Animal Planet's "I shouldn't be alive." Okay, same difference. Anyway, that's a bit how I ended the semester. On the one hand I didn't perform as well in some of my classes as I'd hoped, but then, on the other hand, I actually ended up doing better than I thought (all A's and one B - which probably should have been a C!). Yes, I know I'm naturally hard on myself, but seriously, you know when you really haven't done your best, right?

I'm not sure what I wanted this post to be about... I don't know how to sum up the experiences and things I've learned over the last 4 months. Here I am on the otherside of one of the hardest semesters of my life and I still can't believe I got through it. It's like my perception is still trying to catch up with reality. Well, here are a few things I have reflected on...

1. Don't move during the middle of a semester!
I moved in the middle of October into my step-mom's house to watch it for her while she is on her mission (Area Office in Frankfurt, Germany). It was all supposed to work out perfectly - she would leave right after Gen Con on Oct 3rd, then I would use my Fall break to pack up and move during the 2nd week of October... until I got summoned for Jury Duty THAT week!! I felt like I had a target on my back and the universe had just been waiting for me to "hold still." Yes, it was an awful week, but I got through it. Actually, it was my family that got me through it; I could never have done it without them. They helped me pack and move; they were just there for me, which means a lot to me.

2. What am I worth?
When things started getting really hard I asked myself a lot whether or not I was capable enough to do this. Logically, I knew the answer was yes, but the doubt I felt about my ability was crushing at times. I wondered why this was so hard if I loved it so much? Shouldn't the things we love doing be "easy?" Or at least enjoyable? I was starting to feel like I had made a huge mistake and that my biggest mistake was thinking I could do this... then I remembered that I have the agency to choose both what and how I think. I realized that I have a tendency to see the world as very black and white, which it's not. I somehow learned to equate "hard" with "wrong." Meaning that if something was "too hard" then it must be the wrong thing to do becuase when you when decide to do the right thing, Heavenly Father makes it easy for you to do, right? The people of Alma, for example, were in "bondage" to the Lamanites, but Heavenly Father blessed them that their burdens were light and they could not feel them; they submitted cheerfully; etc. Well, guess, what? That's not always true. I think for me, when things get hard, it's just an opportunity to examine my faith and decide how important is the choice I am making. Part of that is having to decide whether or not I feel I am worth doing hard things.

3. Who am I here for?
I had a huge epiphany one day when it suddenly occured to me that I was more worried about what my professor's and peers would think of my grades and assignments than actually learning the material to be a competent clinician. I would look at others in the class and would find myself lacking compared to their strengths; I would worry that my professors would be disappointed in my shoddy or lackluster work. But then I had this epiphany and asked myself, who am I here for? Am I in the program to impress people? Am I here to try to get better grades than everyone else, thereby proving my importance? Is it to get the praise of my professors above others? Of course not!! I'm here because I want to help people. I'm here because I want to feel like my life has been useful to others. I'm here because I want a fulfilling career and a better life. I lose sight of that everytime I compare myself and find that I'm not good enough. The problem is in comparing myself to others. As soon as I start comparing, I lose. I found that when I stopped comparing myself, I realized that I am capable and that I'm here because I think my strengths are suited for this career. As soon as I took the pressure off to perform like everyone else, I realized that I was missing out on truly enjoying what I was learning because I wasn't learning it for me, I was learning it to try to prove my worth... well, guess what? My worth never went anywhere - it's always been inherent, I just wouldn't let myself see it. But I see it now and my hope is that all these things I have learned will help me in the future to stop adding more stress where it's not necessary. School is hard enough as it is, I don't need to make it worse by thinking I'm not capable.

These are not the lessons I expected to learn in Graduate School, but they are obviously the lessons I've needed to learn and I am grateful for that. I know I'm in the right place and I know everything will work out. Looking back, maybe it was the "Fall of Micah" afterall. Here's to Spring and 5/6 of the way through!! In other words, 1 semester down, 5 to go...

College crisis... kind of

I had something really weird happen the other day. I suddenly couldn't remember why I thought Graduate School was a good idea. I am so terribly stressed out right now, that I don't remember the last time I felt like this. I've never been so close to a nervous breakdown over school!! Sure, I've had pretty rough times in life, but this is just different. Normally the things that really stress me out are emotional or physical (like being sick or twisting my ankle or something like that). I feel like this is totally intellectual stress and that my brain is only capable of processing so much information at a time and unfortunately for me, it's not nearly fast enough. I've never really thought of myself as stupid, but the last couple of weeks have made me seriously question that. I haven't been doing as well in school as I'd hoped; I'm not saying I'm doing bad - I mean I'm passing my classes and stuff, but I'm just not doing as well as I expected and that's been really, REALLY hard on me. Now I don't really know why I'm here putting myself through all this... How do you find hope you feel like you don't even have time to breathe?

Uncle Paul

So you know how I have a previous blog post with me and "my uncle Paul?" (which is how I refer to Paul Giamatti) Well, a couple days ago in class, this girl turns to me and says, "you know who you look like?" I smiled and said, "I think so." But didn't say who because I didn't want to be presumptuous. Then I thought, whatever, be totally presumptuous - so I blurted out "Paul Giamatti?" Her response, "I don't know his name..., but he was in the Truman Show..." Yep! Uncle Paul was in that flick! So it has now been independently confirmed - that's all I'm saying.

I'm in!

So I moved today.

I am exhausted. I haven't had much time for packing, what with jury duty and studying, etc., but my mom and sis came over Friday night and got me squared away. Then my mom and other sis came over on Saturday and helped me (I should say "the movers") move. IT took about 5 hours and I felt like I had run a marathon after! I haven't been that active in a long time - especially after sitting for extended periods of time at school the last few months!

I am grateful to have such a great support system, my mom and sis's are great! (I know "sis's" isn't grammatically correct due to a phonotactic constraint, but I'm going to use it anyway - see how much I'm learning!)

I didn't have as much stuff as I thought, and yet, somehow, I also feel like I still have too much! I threw away or donated a ton of stuff over the last few months, anticipating the move, but I think I need to get rid of more.

In any case, I am glad that this week is over and I am glad that I am moved in!! Now I can focus on my midterms!! Yay for sarcasm!!

Jury Duty

So, I had Jury today and I didn't get selected. I was SO happy!! They made us watch this 10 minute video (filmed circa 1990) about the jury selection process and they showed one guy who was not selected and he left feeling like there was something wrong with him. I laughed (inwardly). I thought it was funny the way they were able to take something that seems like a totally inconvenient burden and turn it into a sense of pride or honor to be a part of. I felt somewhere in the middle.

At first it WAS a totally inconvenient, but then once I resigned myself to the fact that I was there and maybe should just enjoy it, I was looking forward to it. Two hours later they said we could go home. I was kind of disappointed! They over-booked cases, but none of them panned out; someone didn't show for one, another case settled and another didn't have enough interpreters. So they let us go. I was actually really happy to go since I have so much going on this week, but it was an interesting experience in any case.

I would go again, just for the video!

p.s. wish me luck that all goes well this weekend - I am finally moving into Marilyn's house - my new home for the next 18 months!!

Things I learn from Aphasia

I have class devoted to learning about Aphasia, which is a language disorder as a result of a traumatic brain injury, usually a stroke.

We watched a video of a conference that was held focusing on how to best counsel people with Aphasia. It was pretty interesting, but the thing that impressed me was the very humanistic approach that was adopted. One thing in particular that stood out to me was a quote that was shared that had no attributable author. I loved it so I've re-typed it below (preserving the punctation):

Anonymous Meditation
"We think we get over things.
We don't get over things
Or say, we get over the measels but not a broken heart.
We need to make that distinction.
The things that become part of our experience never become less a part of our experience.
How can I say it?
The way to "get over" a life is to die.
Short of that, you move with it.
Let the pain, be pain, not in the hope that it will vanish
But in the faith that it will fit in.
Find its place in the shape of things
And then be not any less pain but true to form.
Because anything natural has an inherent shape
And it will flow towards it.
And life is as natural as a leaf.
That's what we're looking for
Not the end of a thing, but the shape of it.
Wisdom is seeing the shape of your life
Without obliterating (getting over) a single instant of it."

Things I keep meaning to blog about...

So I was talking to some friends a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned something in passing that shifted the conversation. I guess I didn't realize, or I just forgot that it's kind of a big deal.

A few weeks ago I came to church a little late, not by much. When I say late, I mean late for me, the meeting hadn't even started yet. In any case the family I usually sit with had more family there than usual so I didn't have my usual seat available. Long story short, I ended up sitting next to Pres. Monson for sacrament meeting. When he comes he usually sits just behind us, so I didn't really think too much of it. Later that day though, people kept commenting on it, saying things like, "how did you get to sit next to Pres. Monson?", like it was a big deal.

I guess I didn't think too much about it because I'm used to sitting "near" him. But after thinking about it, I guess I realize that it was a pretty unique experience to be able to sit next to him. He usually sits alone so he almost forgot to pass the bread to me, which I thought was funny. There's no denying that sitting next to him I felt a greater spirit with him and I had a reaffirmation that he is the Prophet, but I also have to acknowledge that proximity doesn't develop a testimony. I could know that he's the Prophet just as readily as if I had prayed about it. It is special to associate with him, but I don't think it should over-shadow that we can associate directly with the One who is directing him.

Happy inspite of...

I didn't think I'd make it past the first week and here I am! We're already talking "midterms." I can't say that I've found my groove yet though. That will take some more time. I am at least starting to feel like I'm not going to totally burn out, so for me, that is progress. One of the hardest things I am trying to adjust to is a lack of structure. I mean, there are things I know I need to do, but the order that I get them done is totally up to me and that's unusual. I'm coming from HR where there is (usually) much more structure and I can feel my brain protesting at this new style of schedule. That and the amount of information being thrown at us each day is just overwhelming!

But as I was driving home today, I put on some good music and I was thinking about everything going on and I felt happy. I didn't necessarily feel peaceful or anything, but I was able to recognize on some level that I am happy where I am. Busy, yes. Trying, yes. Struggling, yes. Hard, yes. But I'm hanging in there and that makes me feel good. I think part of the reason I'm happy is because I am being challanged in such a new way and even though it's hard, its being hard doesn't detract from the fact that I love what I'm learning and I'm looking foward to all of the things I'll be able to do and all of the people I'll be able to help. That makes me hopeful and I feel like this time of great struggle is worthwhile.

That and I just finished reading Moby Dick, which I really, really enjoyed! Back to homework...

Catching up...

...Or trying to anyway. When life changes, it changes SOOOO fast! I am feeling really overwhelmed at the moment. Graduate school is proving to be more of an adjustment than I thought. It's just flat out hard! (There is SO much to read!) I guess I knew it would be hard, but I really couldn't appreciate just how hard it was until I started. Now I can see why people kept saying, don't have another job, don't get married, have a kid, or buy a house, in other words, don't have a life for two years. They really mean it!!

I know I'll get through it, though. I know I will adjust, it's just that it's taking much more time than I thought it would. It's really making me question what I think I'm capable of and what I think I deserve (I really hate that word "deserve"). It might actually be more accurate to say, what I'm worth. Which is really a good thing. I'm glad that I'm in a place in life where I can be asking these questions of myself. I think that, in and of itself, is a sign of growth.

I am sad that I had to quit my job this week. I will miss the people I work(ed) with. They were (are) so much fun! But, with the school workload being what it is (and being offered a position to work in the department, which is a huge honor) I know it was the right thing to do. I am so excited to be working for my professors, getting to know them on a more personal level will be a great experience for me. I will really benefit as a clinician from my experience working for them. (I start working for them next week!)

I have also received my apprenticeship assignment at the Clinic and I am way excited about it. So as some background, even in our first semester, we are assigned to a mentor who is working with a specific client, and potentially, by the end of the semester we may even get to conduct a session or two with the client (with our mentor present, obviously!). Then, our second semester we are assigned our very own client! So they kind of just throw us in the fire from the very beginning. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. In any case, I did some clinical observation hours over the summer and I saw a few clients in particular. Well, as luck would have it, the client I've been assigned to just happens to be one of the people I had observed most! I feel really fortunate to get to work with somone I "already know," and it feels even more serendipitous knowing that the assignments were all random! Yet another reason to feel like I'm in the right place.

Even though I go home some nights wondering how I'm going to get through it, I know I'm in the right place. I know that everything will work out because it already is working out. I love what I'm learning and I know that when I get through it, my life will be so much better because I'll be doing something I love and can be passionate about.

Woohoo!

After a few disappointing grades on a couple of assignments and doing really bad on the final I finally got my grade and guess what? I got an A!!! True, it's the very lowest percentage possible (93%), but hey, an A's an A, right? I'm glad it's done and I hope I never have to take an online class again - not my favorite format!!

Branding

I think I've bogged about this before, but I need a brand. (okay, I don't NEED a brand, but I want one) I want something that represents me. You know how, like, some people's email are surfergirl5, or cycleordeath, or whatever? They have a brand - something that they can say "this is who I am" or "this defines me." I don't have that. I don't really have a trait or hobby or skill that really defines me. Why is that? I wonder if Speech Therapy will be "my thing?" I guess now I just need to figure out how to make Speech Therapy into a logo to complete my brand...

I also want a theme song. I would play the song when I'm in a good mood, just boppin' down the street.

Hm... now I'm wondering if maybe I've seen too many movies...

Lame

So the whole reason I bought my phone was for its hotspot capabilities, however I just received a notice that now, if I want to use the hotspot, I have to pay another 30 bucks a month! Yeah, that's so not going to happen! Now I know how the netflix customer's feel! At least my phone does pretty well with most websites, but not all websites are "mobile compatible." Lame.

Spaghetti squash

At the moment I am eating Spaghetti Squash for lunch. There are a couple of ways I like it. The first, the "noodles" lightly seasoned with salt, pepper and butter - yum!! But since I am not eating dairy and butter is out, I am having them the second way I like them, a la spaghetti sauce, homemade, of course!. (The sauce is tomato, mushrooms, onion, garlic, ground turkey, and my own special blend of seasonings!) No, the squash does NOT taste like actual spaghetti does, but that being the case, it's still pretty good. Also, it's just a great alternative to regular pasta and much, much healthier.

Incidentally, I love Everyday Foods! I used to watch this program on Saturday mornings - I don't even know if it's still on or not - and I was shocked to find out it was produced by Martha Stewart. Normally, I'm not much of a Martha Stewart fan, but I really liked this show. The recipes were fairly straightforward and "doable."I think they even have a litte magazine they put out. In any event, this was the first time I had ever seen a spaghetti squash, let alone how to bake it. It makes me wonder what other foods are out there that are rarely used?

The Fall of Micah

First off, just let me say, I wish I had more interesting things to blog about. I always find myself fascinated by other blogger's posts and wonder how they can find such interesting things to say. Then I realized - they are pretty much blogging about their average day, but because it's not my life, it sounds interesting. Maybe I'll try to add more posts about mundane things and see what happens.

I'll spare you the background story and get right to the point of my next thought. (My sister's will tell you - I'm a horrible storyteller, so I'm doing you a favor! You're welcome! *SNAP*) This is the Fall of Micah. So you know how some people say's it's "their year?" Great things are about to happen; they can feel it coming. As if a distant train, bearing a cornucopia of blessings, is speeding toward them with nothing but a faint rumbling in the ground to announce it's approach. For some people, the train has more of a timetable and it's not just their year, but their season, for example, "this is going to be the Summer of Carl," or whatever. Well, that's how I feel with Grad School starting this Fall. It's the Fall of Micah. I feel like great things are going to happen. There's an anticipation I can't describe or even attach to any specific future event - I just think life is going to be great! (Someone suggested to me the Autumn of Micah, but it didn't have the same ring to it.) Quite frankly, I feel like I have been 'falling' most of my life and I appreciate the irony of finally 'landing' on my feet during a Fall. (It's amazing how many good things can come from a Fall! And, yes, that was a shout out to Adam and Eve! And, no, it's not just you, I'm cringing at my own lame-ness!!) So, this is the Fall of Micah.

On a different note. Most of my job now is to conduct phone surveys. (Yes, it's as much fun as it sounds!) Here is what I look like at work with my headset on:

Here's how I feel about wearing it!

Just typing my thoughts...

So I bought a new phone recently and I love it! It's a Thunderbolt by HTC; it's a smartphone with the capability to become a hotspot. In other words, I now have access to the internet anywhere I can get a cell phone signal AND I can run the internet off my computer from it! I LOVE it!!! I mean, I HEART it!!! (As a side note, I also love that I can feel like Harry Potter by saying that I have my very own Thunderbolt!! Yeah, I'm a nerd - I totally "own" it!!)

I cancelled my home internet about a year ago to save money and I'm really glad I did. Quite frankly, I can't believe I did without the internet at home for A YEAR!! But I really felt that with starting grad school in the Fall, not to mention my online summer class, that it was becoming more of a need. I did the first half of my summer class without it and it was tough. I had to go to the Library and be there ALL day - it was becoming extremely hard to do. Having the internet has made it significantly easier to participate in an online class - imagine that! It was good timing actually, my online class has gotten much harder where it requires me to do much more research. I thought I would be bored only working 3 days a week, but now that I have so much to do for this class, it's turned out to be a blessing.

Crikey! I just realized that I keep saying "starting school in the Fall," when I just realized - that's next month! Great googly-moogly!! I can't believe how good it feels to say "I'm starting Grad school next month!"

AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!! (kind of freaking out here!)

It almost seems surreal in a way. It was just about a year ago I was contemplating life and my direction when I made a decision to go back to school. Looking back, it's amazing to see how everything has fallen into place. For me it feels like some kind of divine intervention. A part of me wants to believe that all that has happened was somehow "meant to be," but I've learned another lesson. Sometimes, Heavenly Father just wants to bless me and He is capable of making things work out in such a way that it feels like fate or destiny or whatever. But really, it's just love. He loves to bless me when I choose to do good things. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be here without Him. I know that all the good things that have happened to me have been His doing. I also know that all the bad things I've been through have been for my good too. I don't know how to express that idea adequately so I'll save that thought for another day. Suffice it to say: I may have made some choices, but He made it all possible.

Homemade Syrup

I miss the Saturday mornings when my dad would make us homemade syrup for our pancakes or french toast*. I remember him getting out the little sauce pot (hardly ever used because my mom normally cooks for an army!) and would put in some water and measure out some sugar. Then he’d separate it and make different flavored syrups, maple, orange, or even just plain, once in a while. I think he may have even put in a little food coloring just to make it interesting.

(I snagged this photo off the web w/o permission,
i.e. it's not a photo of my own!)

It seems like such a simple thing now, but I remember it made those mornings feel special – I suppose because it was out of the ordinary. And not only did he not do it often, I never knew of anyone else who could do that at all. Just one more of those surprising things that my dad knew how to do. He seemed so average most of the time and then out of nowhere he’d whip out this special skill he’d been hiding – who knows from where and who knows from how long ago. In fact, in a way, it seemed like these secret things he knew how to do were just a part of him, somehow written into his DNA, patiently waiting for the day they were needed. I bet he had a whole lot of other useful knowledge tucked away in secret corners of his mind, just waiting to be needed for special occasions. He knew how to make syrup. He knew how to make bullets. He could build a camp fire out of almost nothing. He always knew what was wrong with my car. I miss the things he could have taught me, but I’m also grateful for the memories I have of the ordinary days he made special with just a bit of syrup.

*Occasionally we made the "poor man's snow cone," by going outside to make snowballs, then bring them inside and pour on the syrup (we let the syrup cool a little so it didn't melt the snow all at once!).

I LOVE ridiculous things! (Big, blue, spoon-loving ridiculous things!)

As evidenced by my fascination with this guy...

I loved the cartoon when it was on t.v. Which is why I bought both seasons! I've been re-watching them and they are hilarous!! Truly campy and ridiculous, but just my type of humor. (FYI, a little disappointed in the live action t.v. series [even though I bought that too!], but the cartoon - totally entertaining.) My favorite episode is "The Little Wooden Boy and the Belly of Love." I mean, seriously, the title alone, right!? And how can you not love a cartoon where an evil santa multiplies and the only way to eliminate the extra santa's is by generating static by rubbing them together - priceless!!

Uhhh... or maybe you just had to be there.

The speed of June

Why is June so busy? What is it about Summer that things pick up so much? I feel like I have something going on every other day. I think I am partly freaking out because of all the things coming up this Fall. Starting the Master's program, moving in Oct (I'm house-sitting for a year and a half), and the uncertainty of how I'm going to pay for it all!! AAAGGHHH!!!

Okay, I'm not really freaking out THAT much! But still... I feel like I really wanted to enjoy the summer and it's just moving too fast! I think a lot of my anticipation is really excitement more than nerves. I feel like my life is changing so quickly, but in ways that I've needed and wanted, I don't know how to describe it - it's just a strange time of my life.

Things are busy, but life is pretty good.

Hi

Hi.

Not much to say today.

Just "Hi."

Relating

How do I say this... I just can't relate to some people.

Or, at least, I thought I couldn't.

I was talking to a friend* recently and we seemed to be going through some similar difficulties. That, in and of itself, might not seem like such a big deal, but it's really a matter of perspective. You see, I had unwittingly placed this person on a bit of a pedestal and believed that because of this individual's physical characteristics, I naturally assumed that life was easier for this person than for me. I didn't even realize I had done that - until I found myself relating to what this person was going through. It was an odd moment for me and I had a flash of realization concerning my beliefs about myself and others. I realized how easily I had minimized myself in comparison to this person and how natural it felt for me to consider myself inferior - primarily based on appearance.

I think what it really boils down to is the discovery that I have based my worth on appearance. The attractive kids in school were the ones that got all the attention. They were also ones making fun of me and "helped" affirm the belief that I was inferior and that I didn't fit in.

I realize now that it wasn't the fact that they made fun of me/were popular that was the problem; it was the fact that I bought into that idea and adopted it into my own beliefs. That's kind of a hard thing to accept because it means I can't really fault the people who made me feel bad - the fault was really mine for believing them.

I have to say, I'm really humbled by what I've learned. It made me conscious of beliefs that were unconscious and that alone is valuable. But the hard part now is changing my beliefs and changing my thoughts. I remember a talk by someone in my ward from some time ago, she shared a statement that her father drilled into them. When they expressed frustration at something that was hard, he would add to their statement "...and you can do hard things." I'm glad that message has come back to me now because he's right. Changing my thoughts is hard, and I can do hard things.


*Just to clarify, I don't think anyone reading this blog would know this individual as this person is not in my usual circle of friends, but I still want to protect their privacy so I'm not mentioning this person's name! In other words, don't ask me who it is!

Verdict is in!

Woohoo!! I finally got my grades from last semester - 2 A's and an A-!!! (It took forever because one teacher moved to AZ at the end of the semester, so I'm pretty sure someone else in the department had to post her grades...) I'm pretty happy about the outcome, which is progress... the old me would have been quite annoyed at the "minus," but the new me is totally okay with it.

Okay, honestly, it bugs me a little, BUT I'll get used to it!

Give me a break, change takes time!

New Semester

I start school today... again. Last week flew by, but I do feel that I was able to relax and enjoy it a little, so that's good.

My class is an online class through USU. I'm not a huge fan of online classes per se, because I don't feel there's a lot of consistency - or maybe I'm just lazy and unmotivated. Well, knowing that I HAVE to do well in this class to be able to start the Master's program at the U will hopefully be motivation enough. I did learn today that there are weekly quizzes; I'm actually glad as I hope that will keep me on track!

The only minor issue now is the fact that I don't have the internet at home. Pop quiz: do you think NOT having the internet would make an online class harder or easier? Answer: Umm.. Harder! Much, much harder. (Duh!)

My plan has been to wait until my cell phone plan is up for renewal and then upgrade to a phone that has "hot spot" capability, through which I can then run the internet on my computer off my phone. I'm not eligible for an upgrade until June 24th or some other such non-sense!! Grrrr... Oh well, I've been "making do" so far, I guess I can keep it up for a couple more months.

Bottom line: Online classes are T - U - F tough, without the "online!"

Freedom! ...now what?

I am done with the semester as of last Friday!!! Whoohoo!! I am FREE!!


For a week.

Then I have to start my online class for the Summer. Bummer. Normally, I would not be taking an online class - way too easy for me to blow off. I like classroom learning much better; that and I am not motivated enough on my own... usually. I am hoping that the fact that I am "conditionally" accepted into the Master's program will be enough to keep me on track!

However, my big worry now is what to do with myself for the next week. I was so busy with school that I didn't make a plan for my time off. Me and unplanned free-time equals disaster. I usually end up totally wasting my time on frivolous stuff, then agonizing how I "should have done this or that!" No more "should!" I hate that word, but I hate it even more when I "should" all over myself.

So I'll hit the Temple tomorrow because I haven't been "in awhile." Then who knows. Do a little writing, a little painting, you know, whatever. Maybe this time I'll try something new - actually enjoying the break and not beating myself up for not being 110% productive 120% of the time. Hey I know! See a movie! It's been so long since I've just gone to a movie... and I still haven't seen the King's Speech... so I guess I have lots of catching up to do!!

(Ever notice how I use lots of "quotation marks" when I type? Guess what, I do that in real life too - lots of "air quotes" - I don't know why - always been that way!)

Happy Easter!

Sorry for the long post, but I thought I would post the talk I gave today in Church for those who missed it. Hope you like it!

Just know that I wish I could be talking with each of you individually today, and since I can’t, I hope you’ll hear what I have to say and maybe pretend that it’s just us. Because, I would like to ask you to do something. Well, maybe a couple of something’s; first of all, will you pray for me? I’ve had a hard time knowing what to say and I want to make sure that what I’m saying is really going to invite the Spirit in, because I know it’s the Spirit that will teach you what you need to know. Second, I would like to ask you to be completely honest with yourself and think about a time where you really struggled in life. Maybe it’s today, maybe it was last week, or a year ago, or several years ago, whatever. I’d just like you to have that in your mind as I speak to you today. Because what I want to talk about is personal, very personal, in fact, but I can’t see into your heart and I don’t know what your life has been like. But I do know that what I will talk about today will apply to you – so please be honest with yourself and don’t hold anything back.


Alma 7:7, 11-13

“For behold, I say unto you there be many things to come; and behold, there is one thing which is of more importance than they all – for behold, the time is not far distant that the Redeemer liveth and cometh among his people.

“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and sicknesses of his people.

“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

“Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.”

Still thinking about a specific time you struggled? Good.

Somewhere far from here, somewhere I’ve never been, there’s a garden of olive trees. In this garden sits an olive press - which grinds down olives and presses out their oil. It is an appropriate symbol for what will take place there. On a quiet evening, Jesus and his disciples walk the familiar path to the garden. He takes Peter, James, and John and heads further into the grove. Leaving them a ways off, he enters a solitary place and offers a prayer. For the first time in his life, he is afraid. “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” But in spite of the fear, he proceeds. “nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” For the next three to four hours, he takes upon himself, what for us, is an incomprehensible burden. It is the weight of all our sins; all our pains; all our sicknesses, infirmities, fears, doubts; ALL of them. That time in your life when you really struggled? That too.

Thus began the Atonement, and it was just beginning. Over the next few hours and days he would be accused, cursed, smitten, mocked, scourged, spit upon and reviled. He would be judged of the world and delivered to the enemy. Still the Atonement was not complete. Forced to carry his cross until unable, he was lead to Calvary. There he was nailed to a cross and lifted up among thieves. There was yet one thing more to suffer. A pain even He could not fathom; as He carried the weight of our sins, His Father withdrew His Spirit. All of his burden, carried alone.

Why did he do it?

There is just one reason.

You.

Remember that time in life you really struggled with something? He did what he did so he could help you through that. He did it so he would know what you feel and how to comfort you.

What does that say about you? What does that say about how important you are?

Three days after His crucifixion, His final gift was given and the Atonement complete, for even death could not hold Him. He was resurrected and lived again, thereby ensuring that ALL mankind would be resurrected and able to return to the presence of our Father.

This is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The word gospel means Good News – and this is Good News, that because of Christ’s Atonement, we all will be resurrected and we all are given the possibility of exaltation (which is Eternal Life with God).

What he did was truly incomparable. Not one man or woman who ever lived, who lives now, or who ever will live on earth, can ever compare to Him. And everything He did was for you. You see, you are the key here. The Savior GAVE His offering, it is now your choice whether or not to TAKE it. You choose to accept His offering when you repent, when you exercise faith to obey His commandments. But mostly when you repent, so go to Him. Please don’t wait. Take Him your burden, He will recognize it, and He will know what to do. Trust Him. Repent. Reconcile yourself to Him.

I testify that we are nothing before Him, but we are everything to Him.

Please don’t get distracted. Please don’t ever think the things of this world can ever give you what He could give you. The world will never know His peace. The world will never know His love. But you can. The world and all it holds can never offer you the sweetness of forgiveness and I promise you, it is worth any amount of pain to achieve.

I bear you my testimony: God lives. He gave His Son as an offering so that we could be forgiven and so that we could return to His presence. I testify that by obedience to the commandments and through repentance, we accept the offering of our Father and of Jesus Christ and prove ourselves worthy of returning to their presence, not just for a moment, but for eternity. And I know it gets hard sometimes to remember that. So read your scriptures every day, they’ll remind you. Go to church each week, that will remind you. And when you take the sacrament, let that remind you too, not just of what he did for all men, but what he did for you.

John 16:33

“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Making up for only 2 posts in April so far...

Just trying to survive the next couple of weeks. I probably make it sound worse than it really is. The last few weeks of the semester have been good, but also a challenge. Next week I have two finals and because I've decided to "settle" for an A-, I won't be taking my third class's final, which is optional, and I'm really okay with and A-, so yay! But with other projects to be done, I haven't been able to keep up on the other two classes, so here I am, having to take a few days off work to catch up! Grrrr...! (Well, what I'm really doing is avoiding even starting my homework by blogging about it!!)

I've also been experimenting with my diet again. I spent the last two or three years trying to discover how foods affect me, and that has been invaluable, but I am now trying to play with the idea of consistency. I might eat well for a week or two, but I usually binge on the weekends, pretty much negating any good I did during the week. Sticking to the foods that make me feel better and avoiding the foods that make me feel worse has been hard. Then I wonder to myself, why? If good food makes me feel good, and bad food makes me feel bad, then why is this even an issue? Why is it that I am willing to destroy my health, and even my life, for junk food? Not even junk food, really, because I'm also including pasta and bread and cheese (dairy) in all this...

I suppose it boils down to a tolerance for bad feelings. What I mean by that is, it is true that bad food makes me feel bad, but only after it makes me feel good. And not just good, but like, blissfully good. It doesn't just ease stress and pain - it makes it go away. Good food doesn't have that effect. Good food makes you feel good, it's true, but it doesn't "eliminate" the bad feelings like bad food does. These things are hard to judge and measure because they are not black and white topics, they are all about continuums. There are degrees of feeling good and bad and then it's further complicated by different types, such as feeling good or bad physically vs. emotionally vs. mentally vs. spiritually, etc.

You know what's strange? I go through the most amazing emotional and mental olympic events in order to avoid pain (stress, suffering, etc.), but I only end up supplanting some pains for other pains, so I haven't really eliminated pain, I've only altered it. As I type this, I'm starting to make some connections. I also think the reason I do this is to have some semblance of control. Food is something I can do something about, therefore, I use it like I am in control of it - in that way I convince myself that I am "in control." I control how I feel and when I feel it. BUT - it's a fallacy. What I have actually done is GIVEN control to food and to my body and deep down I know this is the wrong method, but the thought of "losing" that control and opening myself up to the pain of life that I can't control is terrifying. (stray thought here: I think I've just invented a new field that is the synthesis of art and science which I'll call "performance therapy")

So, I guess I need to figure out why am I so afraid of pain? I love C.S. Lewis' work on the meaning of pain, and I'll be honest it's a bit beyond me, but what I get from it is that pain has a purpose. It's a part of the experience of life and life is incomplete without it. For me personally, pain is what reminds me that I need a Savior, no, that I depend on a Savior. If my life were easy, I would never need Him. Maybe to some degree, my being so terrified of pain only aggrandizes it's effect. What if the pain of life really isn't all that bad, or at least, as bad as I "think" it will be and I am missing out on the joy of life, simply because I'm trying to avoid a little pain?

You know what? I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be afraid of pain. I don't want to be afraid of repentance. I don't want to be afraid of change. I don't want to be afraid of life.

I can see why addictions are so strong: Just a simple little molecule called (insert drug of choice, i.e., sugar, alcohol, tobacco, etc), and all of your pain goes away. What could be simpler than that? It gives you relief and the feeling of being in control, even if it's just an illusion. Who wouldn't want that? But what are you left with? You are left with living life on only one side of the seesaw where nothing happens and life becomes meaningless. Who knew? Joy AND Pain make life fulfilling. Oddly enough, it's been part of the message of the gospel for as long as it's been around. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic here!)

Speaking of the gospel, and because I think that's enough Performance Therapy for one day, I have been asked to speak in church on Sunday. I was asked to "sum up the Atonement in 8-10 minutes." (I can hear Bill Cosby in my head going, "riiiiigggghhhhttt.....") I have been pondering and praying for a week now and I'm totally at a loss for what to say. No, wait, that's not right. I'm at a loss as to HOW to say it. The truth is, I have a lot of feelings about the Atonement, especially from the experience of my dad passing away, but how do you take something that personal and put it into words? I'm sure I'll come up with something, but I just know I won't be able to do justice to what I feel in my heart. I guess it's also hard because I know it's the last time I will be able to speak in my ward. Anyway, wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes...

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Have you ever had an idea for something you thought would look great on a t-shirt? Then we have something in common!! And for once in my life I actually did something about it instead of just talk about it! So, here it is...

You might be thinking, "Micah, that's gross. And not really you're style." 1) I DO think it's funny, and 2) you probably don't know me all that well!!

Everytime I look at it, it still makes me laugh!! Anyway, when I said I thought it would look good on a t-shirt, I meant it! SOooo... I set up a shop at Cafe Press and now you can buy your very own "Love Sick" t-shirt!! Yay for you!! Visit my CloudSeven store here:

Come visit my store on CafePress!*.

(*The shop/page doesn't seem to load in Explorer 9, so please try an earlier version of explorer, or use another browser!)

Seriously, though, buy something, I'm really poor right now and starting Grad School this Fall ain't gonna help, ya know what I'm sayin'? (I said this was shameless self-promotion!!)

GenCon 181

I always enjoy General Conference! This one was no exception. I don't recall a lot of specific things said, but I took notes and marked the speakers that I know I'll need to go back to and read. Perhaps because it was so near the end I recall it better, but I was moved by Elder Holland's talk. I felt touched at his sincerity. I loved how he said that somehow, through all the messages and various topics, which are unassigned, that those who listen by the spirit to the messages prepared by the spirit would receive a "personal epistle." I felt that was true for me.

I had many questions that I wanted to receive answers to. I felt that even though most were not directly answered (or perhaps I just mean as directly as I would have liked) I felt the spirit alerting me to the speakers and topics that I would want to listen to and read later, that by future study, I might find the answers I seek. In other words, the answers I seek are there, but I need to do a little more work to obtain them. I'm okay with that.

I have been in many spiritual places in my life, some places have been very dark, some have been very bright. I can't help being grateful to be at a place where listening to conference is important to me. True, I have had to make some decisions about what I feel is important for me, but I also feel that the power to obtain the blessings I've obtained have come from my Father in Heaven. I feel a little bit like a boat, where my small, little rudder, or my will, is effective enough to direct my course, but only when coupled with the powerful driving force of the Lord's wind. Only with his help can I stay on course...

You be the judge

Allusions have been made between me and this guy... you be the judge!



Maybe some similarities....

Spring Break at the Library

I am at the Marriott Library right now, on campus at the U. It's pretty quiet which doesn't surprise me for Spring Break. You may be asking yourself, "Micah, why are you at the library on Spring Break?" And I would answer, "because I'm a nerd." Hahaha - only kind of kidding...

In any case, it's kind of fun being here when it's so empty. A lot of the tables have been cleared away and the carpets have been/are being cleaned, so it smells "soapy." About 10 minutes ago I almost had a heart attack at a scraping/click-ey noise right above my head, but then Ella Fitzgerald's voice came streaming through the intercom. Someone turned on some old-time music (Pandora?) and they are piping it through the intercom system. Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstong, now Frank Sinatra is singing, "Just the way you look tonight." I might be annoyed any other day, but I love this type of music, the 40's/50's, big band type stuff - classic! To think I could be at work/home right now missing this! I love having unexpected experiences in familiar settings. I like a little extaordinary in an ordinary day.

The real reason I'm here is for the internet so I can update my financial aid for grad school (I just LOVE how that sounds!!) and check my emails. I do have some homework to do this week and I didn't want to go out of town or anything, so I think I will enjoy doing homework "at my own pace" and hopefully stay on top of things. I don't know how I did on my midterms (I still have one next week), so I am trying not to think about it, but it's hard!

More info

I felt good about applying to Grad School and felt confident I was going to get in, but then the doubts came...

Especially when all the Audiology students were hearing back, but not the SLP students - granted, they have a different admission committee, but still.

Then I was talking to a friend who said they normally have about 60 people apply and admit about 25-30 people. Normally. Because of the economy, this year was different. They had about 187 applications!! 3 times the "normal" amount. I have not asked (nor do I want to) how many people they admitted. I'm guessing they admitted more than usual, but still! After thinking about it, I realized that I should be even more honored than I was at first. This was never a competition for me, but hearing that 187 people applied suddenly made me feel like it was. In any case, I am even more humbled that they accepted me and feel like this is definitely the right thing for me to be doing.

(Now if I could just lose like a hundred pounds, life would be REALLY awesome!!!)

I GOT IN!!!

Just a quick note before I head off to my midterms...

I have been accepted into the Graduate School Program for Speech Communication Disorders (i.e., Speech-Langauge Pathology) for this Fall!!!

I can't express how excited I am. This feels like a miracle for me and I look back and see how I have had Heavenly Father's help through this process. I feel like this is a huge confirmation of where I am supposed to me and what I'm supposed to be doing.

Thanks to everyone for your encouragement and support - it has meant so much to me! Now if I can just get through these midterms....!!! Aaaagggghhhh!!!!

Update

Today marks the third day in a weird mourning trifecta. It started with my Grandpa's passing and funeral, then my dad's birthday and today is the anniversary of his passing. It came quickly this year. I can't believe it's been four years already. I still remember everything like it was yesterday. It seems like so much has changed so quickly, until I realize that the only thing that has really changed is me.

I think I've grown up a lot in the last 4 years. I hope in ways that my dad would be proud of me. I've certainly taken some risks, especially going back to school, but I feel like that has all been a part of my growth as well.

I've learned a lot too. I don't know that I can put it all into words, so I won't attempt to, but I'm glad for what I've gone through these last 4 years. I really wouldn't trade it for anything.

I know I'm in the right place. I feel like I'm where I need to be. I miss my dad; I miss sharing with him the things I've learned and the ways I've grown, but I know that he knows all that. And I know he is in the right place; I know he's where he needs to be, I just sometimes wish that his "right place" was still here.

This past week...

This past week has been a good week, but also a rough one. My grandpa's funeral was nice. It was great to see family that I hadn't seen for awhile; obviously, not the best circumstances, but still, it was good to see them.

It's annoying that life doesn't stop. Work is still there; school is still there; etc. Just life in general keeps going. I know that it isn't just my grandpa's passing that's hard. My dad has been on my mind a lot too. His birthday was Wednesday and the anniversary of his death is next Friday. I still miss him, but know he is near. I feel torn between being sad for relationships that ended too soon and also being... I don't know how to describe it... maybe "all mourned out" is the best way to say it.

I think I just need to plan to take some time to get away from everything. I don't know where or when, but I think if life isn't going to stop, then maybe I need to be the one to "stop."

My step-mom shared with us a gift that she was given by a lady in HR who had helped them quite a bit when my dad first got sick. My step-mom had commented that she was sad my dad would never get his well deserved retirement party, i.e., recognition for his 20+ years working for the church. Well, this thoughtful HR lady gave my step-mom a piece of granite from the original temple building site on temple square with a plaque on it honoring my dad for his service. It was a really nice gesture and very thoughtful. I'll have to get a picture of it.

Hope is elusive sometimes isn't it? Maybe I get so used to it at times that I misplace it without realizing; then I get doubtful. But that is part of the good news of the gospel, that hope is still there just waiting for me to remember it and pick it back up again. It comforts me each time. I wrote a poem during a hopeful moment when I was struggling with my dad's illness. I know I've posted it before, but the post was a little long so I'll just copy and paste it here again. (If you want to read the longer post, you can read it here.)

I really do have a lot to be thankful for...

Gratitude

We had time to talk,

to listen,

to understand,

We had time to laugh,

to wonder,

to explore,

We had time to reach out,

to heal,

to mend,

We had time to ponder,

to remember,

to learn,

We had time to live,

We had time to love,

and, in time...

We will have eternity.

Micah James Foster

For Robert Dennis Foster

Mar. 2, 1947 – Mar. 11, 2007

The lesson I'm learning

I've had quite an unusual week this week. My emotions have been meandering through all sorts of territories, like a wild river with no sense of direction. I took some time to write in my journal this morning, which helped me see many blessings I hadn't noticed before. I've been trying to think of a way to describe how I feel and what I've learned and it's hard to put into words. What I did do, was think of an analogy, much like a parable, that comes close to what I've been going through this week.

"Once upon a time there was a man walking along a well-worn, albeit dusty, barren road. At length, he came upon a black stone in the road, small enough to fit in the palm of his hand. The stone stood out because of its remarkable blackness; it did not look like it belonged there. As he picked up the stone, he noticed immediately that it weighed more than it looked like it should. This caused him to inspect the stone in ernest. He discovered that the stone was not actually black, but it was coated with a layer of something black. It was a kind of dense, chalky ash that did not come off easily, but with expending some effort, it could be removed. He put the stone in his pocket and carried it home.

When he arrived home he endeavored to remove the outer layer so that he could reveal the real stone beneath. He rubbed it, wiped it, brushed it, even took it to a pail of water and scrubbed it. Little by little, the blackness wore away. When he finished, he was satisfied. He did not hold a stone, but an immense and precious diamond. He immeidately wondered how many people must have seen this same stone in the road and passed over it without a second thought because of its appearance? He held it up to the light and it was almost luminous. He took it out to his garden and placed it in an honored place among his most beautiful flowers. There it shone in the sun and by adding richness to his surroundings, gave him great happiness."

In my present circumstance I am the stone in this story. Sometimes the blackness is sorrow; sometimes it is suffering and pain; sometimes it is sin. But these things are not who I am underneath and I know that what I am going through is the process of being "rubbed clean." Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's painful, but it is also necessary. I can't remove the blackness on my own - it must be done by the Savior. But He does it because He knows what I am underneath. I know He wants me to be happy, but even more than being happy, He wants me to be better. He is helping me to become the man He knows I can be. I haven't yet caught that vision in full. I don't always know what I am worth, but I am learning to trust that he does.

Sad news...

My grandfather passed away this morning. I am still in shock a little and shaken up, even though this was not unexpected. I am glad I had the chance to visit him when I did.

Apparently this last week had been very bad for him. He was in a lot of pain; he had a blood clot in his leg that the doctor's didn't believe was worth doing anything about. They ramped up his morphine and sent him home (that was Sunday). I guess his pain was pretty bad, even with the morphine. For that reason, I'm glad he is not in pain any longer. I am also glad that he did not have to linger in pain. That was one thing I was grateful for with my dad, that he went relatively quickly too.

I'm in a bit of a daze still and not sure what to do. I hate that life doesn't stop. I know that I need to find quiet time to ponder and pray, meditate and cry, or do whatever I need to do, but it's hard to find the time when other obligations come up.  Some things don't wait and I just pray for strength to be sane and endure.

The anniversary of my dad's death is on the 11th of March. I usually feel some melancholy at this time of year; so maybe in a way it's good that these events are so close together - I can deal with it all at once. It's never easy, but the knowledge of where we go after this life comforts me and I have peace. I know that we are all in the Lord's hands and when he says it's our time to go, then it's the right time, because he is perfect and he knows perfectly when and where we are needed.

I learn a new word

So here's the background:
My sister's b-day is today (happy birthday R.!) and she really, REALLY wanted us to watch a movie this weekend called Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I have to say, I thought it was pretty funny.

One of the best moments was learning a new word: Minger. I wasn't sure what it meant so I looked it up online. I have no idea of the etymology, but here's the definition I found that is my favorite:

Minger - (adj.) Someone who fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down!

You'd be surprised how hard it is to work this into a conversation appropriately... trust me, I've been trying!!

Great moment...

So I've been watching Season 5 of Doctor Who, as you may have gathered from my previous post of yesterday! I think my favorite episode at the moment is Vincent and the Doctor. I put a clip below of the last few minutes of the episode.

Vincent Van Gogh had a bit of a crush on Amy Pond and she was hoping to make a difference in his life. Her unvoiced hope had been to encourage him enough not to take his own life so he could produce more art. I love this clip for the advice the Doctor gives Amy. It's a good message in general, but it was one I needed to be reminded of. Hope you like it too!

How cute is she?!?

I usually have lots of fleeting crushes. Right now, it's Karen Gillan from Season 5 of Doctor Who...

Seriously, how cute is she?

My weekend

I went to Idaho this weekend. It was kind of last minute, but it turned out to be a good time to go - the weather was wonderful over the weekend for a change!!! It was a good time to go, but it was a hard trip.

My grandpa has cancer. The doctors did not give him a life expectancy timeframe. They directed him to hospice. When my dad had cancer they only called hospice when they new he was at the end. So, even though the doctors did not give my grandpa a timeline, the implication was clear - he doesn't have much time left. One of the reasons they didn't give him a timeline, though, is because they said there was too much uncertainty; it could be a week, it could be a year - they just don't know.

So I went knowing it could be the last time I would see him. Watching a loved one go through cancer is hard enough, but there are other reasons why this is hard. My dad passed away on March 11, 2007, so naturally, this time of year is hard because it brings all those memories back. Also, my grandma has Alzheimers. She gets disoriented and not sure where anything is, her own home feels foreign to her. All she knows is that her husband is hurting and she can't do anything about it, so she just cries. That's really hard on my grandpa. She gets in these ruts of asking the same question over and over and it drives him crazy. He knows she can't help it, but it still wears on him.

He spoke in church on Sunday and announced to the ward what was going on; previously, no one knew. I appreciated his testimony of enduring to the end and he is a great example of faith.

I've had my share of therapy over the years and one of the things that has always been helpful for me has been to talk things out. But my relationship with my grandparents has waned over the the last many years where I do not feel comfortable talking about personal things; although I've wanted them to know how I feel. I wrote them a letter explaining what happened that caused me to distance myself from them and I hope they can at least be understanding of what I experienced. It wasn't as good as being able to talk, but it was a start and at the very least, they will know why I have been so distant; that I wasn't just ungrateful, but that I had a reason for it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on this monstrous test I have to take tomorrow! I was hoping to get caught up this weekend, but I can't study while traveling, so I am not ready for this test. I took the day off work today and I think I am making some headway, but I know it won't be enough. I am using this as a learning opportunity, however, and I see where I need to improve to be more diligent. Now I just need to prepare myself for the horrible grade I'm about to get on this test!!

Templates

Well I did end up doing my taxes. And I get a refund, so that is nice! Only I was annoyed that I had to select the "wait for a check" option, because when I went to the library I hadn't "planned" on doing my taxes, so I didn't have my bank routing number and such. Lame. Another reason why I hate not having the internet at home, but in the end, it's saving me money and I can live with waiting a few weeks for my check.

Switching gears: You know how blogs have "templates" you can follow? Well, I have been thinking about templates in the mind. (Yes, I am nerdy enough to wonder about this on a regular day, but this thought also coincides with my Language Development class where we are talking about language as a construct of the mind vs. biological function, and how they influence each other, etc.) By template I mean the beliefs through which I navigate the world. Some people refer to this as a "belief window" or a "belief filter" all of which catch the essence of what I mean by a template. Anyway, what I've decided is that my template has been all wrong.

I won't go into all the reasons, but I have been approaching the world (and my relationships for the most part) with the belief that I am inadequate or inferior in some way; i.e., that I don't "measure up." Most of the problems I have in life, either stem from, or are connected to this belief. It makes sense that I would be afraid of a lot of things. It makes sense that I would hesitate to really pursue a better life for myself. It's because I've been working from this template of inferiority. In other words, I go out into the world saying I want validation, but even when I get it, it doesn't mean anything because I'm viewing it in a framework of not being good enough. Like why I have such a problem accepting compliments.

It's actually a relief to me to make this realization. I know I won't be able to change it overnight, but being aware means that I CAN change it. I really feel that this inspiration is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I want to change and he knows how much I want to understand Agency this year. This is the perfect opportunity for me to do that; to use the agency he's given me to choose a different template. To decide that I am going to learn how to approach life with courage, rather than fear.

Now if I can just figure out how to change the template on my blog...

Attacks (of the Mundane and Peppers)

I hate it when I don't have anything to do! Well, I guess that's not entirely accurate. I hate it when I have unstructured free time, wherein I have things that I can do, but nothing I HAVE to do. I have this thing where I feel like if I'm not multi-tasking, or at the very least, just being productive every second of every day, then I am lazy. I don't know where that started, but I want to be able to take a "day off" and be okay with that. I think balance in life is essential, I guess I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Today is a mundane day. I got done all of the things that I "had" to do and then looked at the clock: 11:30am. Which means I have basically a whole day to do whatever. AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

I could have done my dishes, but they can wait. I could have vacuumed/swept/mopped... eh, that can wait too. I could have plopped down on the couch and zoned out watching a movie or read a book... eh, too lazy. I could have sat down and finally read my textbooks, i.e., do my homework... eh.

I decided to go to the library. Which is where I am right this second. I am downloading all the shows I missed this week and will probably break down and do my taxes here in a few minutes. Maybe then I'll think about doing my homework. Maybe.

Maybe it's because the day outside is cold and rainy. I really want pizza, but I am trying to do better at controlling what I eat. Which for me means NOT mindlessly shoving whatever's at hand into my face, or going out to get fast food because, again, I'm too lazy to fix something.

Funny story: So, a lot of people around me have either been sick, or talk about how their siblings/relatives are in some way deathly ill. I decided to alter my stew recipe and make one with some spicy kick to it to keep my immune system boosted. (It turned out to be more of a sauce than a stew, but that's not really the point here.) I was sauteeing some bell peppers and some jalapeno peppers. While I was chopping up some leeks and garlic I realized the heat was up too high and some of the peppers started burning. I dropped what I was doing, ran over and turned down the heat and added some more oil to the pan. Ultimately, I saved the stew, but..., BUT, my entire apartment smelled like burning peppers. I threw open all my windows (which is something I usually try to avoid in the dead o' winter) and turned the thermostat down to, like, 50. The cold air came on and started moving the "fumes" out. I say fumes because a moment or two later, I noticed that I kept dry-hacking and needed to drink a lot of water. I'm no "Mr. Wizard," but here's my theory: I'm guessing the capsaicin that gives peppers their "heat" doesn't really care if it's in solid, liquid or gas form. Furthermore, I'm also guessing that my lungs are not a fan of breathing in hot pepper smoke full of capsaisin. That's when I decided to leave my house*.

When I woke up this morning, I could still smell "roasted" peppers... I guess I'd rather smell jalapeno-y than get sick.

*My apologies to my neighbors, especially the ones living under me!!

School Update

So I turned in my application last Monday for Grad School. I find out in a couple of months if I got in... I feel good about it and I don't want to jinx it, still, I decided my best position is to be cautiously optimistic.

My classes this semester are great! I am taking Hearing Disorders, Speech Science, and Language Development. The only downside is that they are back to back, which means I am in class for 5 hours straight!! I love school, but even I have my limits. Oh well, it's only 4 months, right? Anyway, the classes are great and I am one semester closer to reaching my goals. This means that if I get in to grad school, I start this Fall and in two years my life is different.

I can't tell you how happy I am! There are moments when I feel that I am a "late bloomer." All of the friends I grew up with are married with children and I sometimes wonder if I am just too far behind the curve. But I think of two things that bring me comfort: I am not the same man I was a few years ago, and the Lord knows me.

What I mean by that is that I have had some battles that have direcly affected my sense of identity. There are many things that the challenges I've had in life have taught me and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. I used to be so afraid of everything. I used to have the worst self-esteem. But now I like myself. Now I can accept myself for who I am and I can "forgive" myself for not being perfect. I love who I am right now BECAUSE I'm a work in progress.

Also, I remember (and continue to learn) that the Lord knows me. He knows, not only what I need, but WHEN I need it. He is perfect, his plan is perfect and intervenes in my life perfectly. Because I know those things, I have confidence that I am exactly where I need to be. Late bloomer or not, I am doing the best I've ever done and I have the Lord to thank.