Just trying to survive the next couple of weeks. I probably make it sound worse than it really is. The last few weeks of the semester have been good, but also a challenge. Next week I have two finals and because I've decided to "settle" for an A-, I won't be taking my third class's final, which is optional, and I'm really okay with and A-, so yay! But with other projects to be done, I haven't been able to keep up on the other two classes, so here I am, having to take a few days off work to catch up! Grrrr...! (Well, what I'm really doing is avoiding even starting my homework by blogging about it!!)
I've also been experimenting with my diet again. I spent the last two or three years trying to discover how foods affect me, and that has been invaluable, but I am now trying to play with the idea of consistency. I might eat well for a week or two, but I usually binge on the weekends, pretty much negating any good I did during the week. Sticking to the foods that make me feel better and avoiding the foods that make me feel worse has been hard. Then I wonder to myself, why? If good food makes me feel good, and bad food makes me feel bad, then why is this even an issue? Why is it that I am willing to destroy my health, and even my life, for junk food? Not even junk food, really, because I'm also including pasta and bread and cheese (dairy) in all this...
I suppose it boils down to a tolerance for bad feelings. What I mean by that is, it is true that bad food makes me feel bad, but only after it makes me feel good. And not just good, but like, blissfully good. It doesn't just ease stress and pain - it makes it go away. Good food doesn't have that effect. Good food makes you feel good, it's true, but it doesn't "eliminate" the bad feelings like bad food does. These things are hard to judge and measure because they are not black and white topics, they are all about continuums. There are degrees of feeling good and bad and then it's further complicated by different types, such as feeling good or bad physically vs. emotionally vs. mentally vs. spiritually, etc.
You know what's strange? I go through the most amazing emotional and mental olympic events in order to avoid pain (stress, suffering, etc.), but I only end up supplanting some pains for other pains, so I haven't really eliminated pain, I've only altered it. As I type this, I'm starting to make some connections. I also think the reason I do this is to have some semblance of control. Food is something I can do something about, therefore, I use it like I am in control of it - in that way I convince myself that I am "in control." I control how I feel and when I feel it. BUT - it's a fallacy. What I have actually done is GIVEN control to food and to my body and deep down I know this is the wrong method, but the thought of "losing" that control and opening myself up to the pain of life that I can't control is terrifying. (stray thought here: I think I've just invented a new field that is the synthesis of art and science which I'll call "performance therapy")
So, I guess I need to figure out why am I so afraid of pain? I love C.S. Lewis' work on the meaning of pain, and I'll be honest it's a bit beyond me, but what I get from it is that pain has a purpose. It's a part of the experience of life and life is incomplete without it. For me personally, pain is what reminds me that I need a Savior, no, that I depend on a Savior. If my life were easy, I would never need Him. Maybe to some degree, my being so terrified of pain only aggrandizes it's effect. What if the pain of life really isn't all that bad, or at least, as bad as I "think" it will be and I am missing out on the joy of life, simply because I'm trying to avoid a little pain?
You know what? I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be afraid of pain. I don't want to be afraid of repentance. I don't want to be afraid of change. I don't want to be afraid of life.
I can see why addictions are so strong: Just a simple little molecule called (insert drug of choice, i.e., sugar, alcohol, tobacco, etc), and all of your pain goes away. What could be simpler than that? It gives you relief and the feeling of being in control, even if it's just an illusion. Who wouldn't want that? But what are you left with? You are left with living life on only one side of the seesaw where nothing happens and life becomes meaningless. Who knew? Joy AND Pain make life fulfilling. Oddly enough, it's been part of the message of the gospel for as long as it's been around. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic here!)
Speaking of the gospel, and because I think that's enough Performance Therapy for one day, I have been asked to speak in church on Sunday. I was asked to "sum up the Atonement in 8-10 minutes." (I can hear Bill Cosby in my head going, "riiiiigggghhhhttt.....") I have been pondering and praying for a week now and I'm totally at a loss for what to say. No, wait, that's not right. I'm at a loss as to HOW to say it. The truth is, I have a lot of feelings about the Atonement, especially from the experience of my dad passing away, but how do you take something that personal and put it into words? I'm sure I'll come up with something, but I just know I won't be able to do justice to what I feel in my heart. I guess it's also hard because I know it's the last time I will be able to speak in my ward. Anyway, wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes...
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