I've learned something about myself recently. I thought I was a lost cause. I'm not sure I know how to describe what I mean by that, but I want to try.
I thought that when the Lord makes something, He makes it the way He wants it and our task is to either accept it or reject it. Take, as an example, the Plan of Salvation. He presented this plan to us and said we had a choice: We could accept it, or reject it; it was up to us to choose.
Somehow, I learned that this concept applies to me. Heavenly Father made me the way that I am, and I can either accept it, or reject it. As a result of this, I have never really accepted myself. I never really found myself acceptable; I have too many faults, too many weaknesses, too many sins, etc. I've never been comfortable with myself, and as I went out into the world, I found that I was not acceptable to the world either. The world doesn't treat people like me kindly - being overweight is not something that people just "overlook" and for years, I was reminded of that daily - how different and unacceptable I was. I believed others because I thought they were re-affirming what I already new to be true. But over the past couple of years, realizing that the fruit of self-loathing has not led to change or happiness, I've been trying to accept myself - all of myself, the good and the bad. It's been a very difficult challenge and some days are better than others.
Every time I exercise I feel ashamed and embarrassed. That may sound weird to some people. I have never known why I feel that way, but I interpreted that to mean that I was doing something wrong by exercising. I felt that Heavenly Father did not want me to exercise, because He wants me to accept myself the way I am. In other words, "God made me this way, and I can either accept it or reject it." The only problem with that, is that I don't want to "accept" being overweight. How can he ask me to accept something I hate so much and which is, in reality, bad for me. It's not healthy to be overweight and it negatively effects every area of my life. Nevertheless, I have tried to do just that - just accept me for who I am right now. It hasn't been easy.
As I pondered why I would feel embarrassed and ashamed of doing something good for myself a phrase came to my mind that gave me understanding. The phrase was, "...because it's too late for me." Meaning I could try to lose weight if I wanted, but it wasn't really going to work, because I am the way God made me and it's too late for me to do anything about it. In essence I told myself that I was defeated before I even began to try. Well no wonder I felt ashamed and embarrassed - I felt guilt for wanting to change something that was already "written in stone." Other phrases came to mind, "lost cause," "too late to change," "no use," etc.
I was so grateful for that understanding, because for the first time in my life, I was able to question that belief and ask myself, why would I feel that I was a lost cause? It stems from the belief that Heavenly Father made me this way and I can either accept it or not. If I accepted it, then that would mean that I have to accept myself the way "God made me," and that I could not change it! Or, if I rejected it, then I was rejecting my Heavenly Father - either way, I lose.
But I am NOT a lost cause. It is NOT too late for me to change. Change is the nature of why I am here. I still think it's important to accept myself, but it's just as important to accept that I have the need and the opportunity to change, as much as it is to accept me for who I am.
I really do know that I am a child of God and he made me the way that I am... as a place to start!! I am not a lost cause after all; I am able and still have time to change. It is not too late for me... The Atonement is what gives me a chance to change and I can utilize it every single day. Change may not happen overnight, but it can happen daily, little by little. And that I can accept!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Humbled...
It's been a long time (that I can recall anyway) since I've been humbled by a prayer.
As the world increases in confusion and turmoil, there are increasing less things that consistently bring comfort and peace. One of those things is prayer. If I could give my children only one gift for them to guide their lives, it would be to teach them the power of sincere prayer. I felt it again tonight at my home teaching appointment.
Without knowing how, I begin to believe that power in prayer is related to sincerity, not so much vocabulary. You could use all of the most wonderful words you could think of when praying, but if you pray without sincerity, it means nothing. Even halting, un-eloquent speech can be turned to virtual music, in a sincere petition to the Lord.
I know that Prayer comforts, lifts, calms, relieves and heals.
As the world increases in confusion and turmoil, there are increasing less things that consistently bring comfort and peace. One of those things is prayer. If I could give my children only one gift for them to guide their lives, it would be to teach them the power of sincere prayer. I felt it again tonight at my home teaching appointment.
Without knowing how, I begin to believe that power in prayer is related to sincerity, not so much vocabulary. You could use all of the most wonderful words you could think of when praying, but if you pray without sincerity, it means nothing. Even halting, un-eloquent speech can be turned to virtual music, in a sincere petition to the Lord.
I know that Prayer comforts, lifts, calms, relieves and heals.
You think you know someone...
...and then you realize how little you actually know.
Take, for instance, the following example:
I recently learned that someone close to me, while a teenager, was kidnapped and held for ransom.
Okay, true, that's not something that will come up in casual conversation, but still, this person is CLOSE to me, meaning, I know pretty much everything about them... or at least I thought I did.
This person was held for two days by college kids who wanted concert tickets... so it's not like this was on par with, say, the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping, but still...
Makes me wonder what else I don't know...?
p.s. this is a really good example that illustrates why people should keep personal histories and, ironically, why I don't. Nothing that exciting ever happens to me!
Take, for instance, the following example:
I recently learned that someone close to me, while a teenager, was kidnapped and held for ransom.
Okay, true, that's not something that will come up in casual conversation, but still, this person is CLOSE to me, meaning, I know pretty much everything about them... or at least I thought I did.
This person was held for two days by college kids who wanted concert tickets... so it's not like this was on par with, say, the Lindbergh Baby kidnapping, but still...
Makes me wonder what else I don't know...?
p.s. this is a really good example that illustrates why people should keep personal histories and, ironically, why I don't. Nothing that exciting ever happens to me!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Hard Week
Hello all, I've been somewhat silent on the blog-front; many reasons, which I won't go into. It's been a hard week. I am hoping next week will be a little brighter.
I was talking to a friend recently about the week I was having - someone I trust explicitly - and I was unusually honest. They said that listening to me describe my week was like I was describing a different person. They had always known me to be upbeat, positive, friendly, funny... pretty much the opposite of the way I described myself over the past week. That was actually a real eye-opener for me. I wondered how they could see me one way, yet I experience myself another - so much so that they felt I was talking about a completely different person.
It made me think about who I really am. I think I DO have two persona's, the one I present to the world and the one I "see in the mirror." I am ashamed to confess, they are not the same person.
I guess there are lots of reasons for this. I learned growing up that appearances were really important. It seemed to me that no matter what I was going through, the most important thing was that other people thought I was doing well. That taught me to sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of appearances. (This has turned out to be not such a good idea...)
I felt like people didn't REALLY want to know how I was doing. Asking someone, "How are you today?" is more of a social convention, rather than an honest inquiry into someone's well being. Think about it, when you ask someone how they are doing, do you want them to say, "Oh, I'm doing horrible today. I've had the worst thing happen to me...," or "I'm not doing very well today because..." Of course not. You want to be nice, to sound interested, but overall, you really don't want to hear about how bad someone's day is, it becomes mutually depressing. I'm all for avoiding depression, but then what do you do when you REALLY are having a crappy day? How do you answer honestly, while not totally dragging someone else down?
If you're me, you retreat. I love food and movies and sleep. These things don't judge you. They don't mind that you've had a bad day, they always welcome you with open arms. They provide comfort on some level. I know now that it's like trying to be comforted by a fog or a vapor... it seems substantial, but in reality isn't.
In some twisted way, I also feel like I have to be happy all the time (in public anyway) so as not to disappoint people. For the most part I have that "funny fat guy" reputation and for good reason - it worked. It made people comfortable around me and made them want to be friends with me, which is also what I wanted. But it comes with a price - I have to sacrifice the other part of myself which has bad days but won't be admitted. It's weird, but I think not being able to be honest with the fact that I do have bad days makes me feel like I'm negating a part of myself and consequently, effects everything else about my life. Like I'm not really living as a whole person. I don't know if that even makes sense or not. I'm not really able to describe it, I guess.
Even as I re-read this, as I'm writing, I'm fighting a tremendous urge to apologize for being SO honest.
Why am I being so honest now? I guess I'm trying to be different - to embrace the part of myself I usually shun. I guess I'm also hoping I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's tough putting how I really feel "out there," but if other people can relate, then it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Maybe I should start a support group for people who can't admit they have flaws...
Hello, my name is Micah Foster and I have bad days. I am not happy every second of every day. I am not always funny. I am not always smart. I am not always a good listener. I am not always smiling... And I am learning that I don't need to apologize for being human.
I was talking to a friend recently about the week I was having - someone I trust explicitly - and I was unusually honest. They said that listening to me describe my week was like I was describing a different person. They had always known me to be upbeat, positive, friendly, funny... pretty much the opposite of the way I described myself over the past week. That was actually a real eye-opener for me. I wondered how they could see me one way, yet I experience myself another - so much so that they felt I was talking about a completely different person.
It made me think about who I really am. I think I DO have two persona's, the one I present to the world and the one I "see in the mirror." I am ashamed to confess, they are not the same person.
I guess there are lots of reasons for this. I learned growing up that appearances were really important. It seemed to me that no matter what I was going through, the most important thing was that other people thought I was doing well. That taught me to sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of appearances. (This has turned out to be not such a good idea...)
I felt like people didn't REALLY want to know how I was doing. Asking someone, "How are you today?" is more of a social convention, rather than an honest inquiry into someone's well being. Think about it, when you ask someone how they are doing, do you want them to say, "Oh, I'm doing horrible today. I've had the worst thing happen to me...," or "I'm not doing very well today because..." Of course not. You want to be nice, to sound interested, but overall, you really don't want to hear about how bad someone's day is, it becomes mutually depressing. I'm all for avoiding depression, but then what do you do when you REALLY are having a crappy day? How do you answer honestly, while not totally dragging someone else down?
If you're me, you retreat. I love food and movies and sleep. These things don't judge you. They don't mind that you've had a bad day, they always welcome you with open arms. They provide comfort on some level. I know now that it's like trying to be comforted by a fog or a vapor... it seems substantial, but in reality isn't.
In some twisted way, I also feel like I have to be happy all the time (in public anyway) so as not to disappoint people. For the most part I have that "funny fat guy" reputation and for good reason - it worked. It made people comfortable around me and made them want to be friends with me, which is also what I wanted. But it comes with a price - I have to sacrifice the other part of myself which has bad days but won't be admitted. It's weird, but I think not being able to be honest with the fact that I do have bad days makes me feel like I'm negating a part of myself and consequently, effects everything else about my life. Like I'm not really living as a whole person. I don't know if that even makes sense or not. I'm not really able to describe it, I guess.
Even as I re-read this, as I'm writing, I'm fighting a tremendous urge to apologize for being SO honest.
Why am I being so honest now? I guess I'm trying to be different - to embrace the part of myself I usually shun. I guess I'm also hoping I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's tough putting how I really feel "out there," but if other people can relate, then it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Maybe I should start a support group for people who can't admit they have flaws...
Hello, my name is Micah Foster and I have bad days. I am not happy every second of every day. I am not always funny. I am not always smart. I am not always a good listener. I am not always smiling... And I am learning that I don't need to apologize for being human.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sunday School Screamer
If I had not been there I would not have believed it.
We were having a wonderful lesson by our instructor, Erin Russell; the spirit was strong and everyone's comments were uplifting and appropriate. We were all enjoying the bask of the glow of peaceful contemplation when the five-minute warning bell rang out, shattering the quietude. Apparently, it was all too much for one young sister who, unable to contain her surprise, screamed out loud for full on twice as long as the bell rang. A brief moment to process what had happened so quickly and the class erupted in laughter. I tried to find the little banshee, but couldn't make out who she was.
I couldn't believe my ears, but I was there - I am a first-hand witness to the Sunday School Screamer. Maybe they should think about changing the sound of the bell...
Best. Sunday School. Ever.
We were having a wonderful lesson by our instructor, Erin Russell; the spirit was strong and everyone's comments were uplifting and appropriate. We were all enjoying the bask of the glow of peaceful contemplation when the five-minute warning bell rang out, shattering the quietude. Apparently, it was all too much for one young sister who, unable to contain her surprise, screamed out loud for full on twice as long as the bell rang. A brief moment to process what had happened so quickly and the class erupted in laughter. I tried to find the little banshee, but couldn't make out who she was.
I couldn't believe my ears, but I was there - I am a first-hand witness to the Sunday School Screamer. Maybe they should think about changing the sound of the bell...
Best. Sunday School. Ever.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The word is....
Anthropomorphize. That's the word that means giving human traits to non-human things!!
Back online!!!
Woohoo!!!
So, my computer crashed over a week ago - Thursday June 11th to be exact. (I now hate Thursday June 11th. Thursday June 11th is dead to me! I spit on you, Thursday June 11th!!! phthth!) I felt completely immobilized. Usually, when I come home from work, I'd tap the little power button and wait for it to boot up, then surf the net for the rest of the evening. After it crashed, I came home and was lost. I was like,"what am I supposed to do now? Watch tv? Watch a movie? Read a book? What?!?"
Fortunately, I know a guy. A couple of guys actually; one who gave it a valiant effort - which I totally appreciate. And the other who was able to track the problem down and fix it! (BTW, if you ever need your computer fixed, I know a guy! I've always wanted to say that!!)
I'm wondering if my computer heard me say that I don't check my email and was mad at me...? Naaaah. I don't know why I have this deep-seated desire to humanize every inanimate object around me. Isn't there a word for that? Anyway, I'm back online and I will be checking my email, but since it's been over a week, it may take me a while to get up to speed. I'm just happy to be back online and want to reiterate that I HEART THE INTERWEB!!!
So, my computer crashed over a week ago - Thursday June 11th to be exact. (I now hate Thursday June 11th. Thursday June 11th is dead to me! I spit on you, Thursday June 11th!!! phthth!) I felt completely immobilized. Usually, when I come home from work, I'd tap the little power button and wait for it to boot up, then surf the net for the rest of the evening. After it crashed, I came home and was lost. I was like,"what am I supposed to do now? Watch tv? Watch a movie? Read a book? What?!?"
Fortunately, I know a guy. A couple of guys actually; one who gave it a valiant effort - which I totally appreciate. And the other who was able to track the problem down and fix it! (BTW, if you ever need your computer fixed, I know a guy! I've always wanted to say that!!)
I'm wondering if my computer heard me say that I don't check my email and was mad at me...? Naaaah. I don't know why I have this deep-seated desire to humanize every inanimate object around me. Isn't there a word for that? Anyway, I'm back online and I will be checking my email, but since it's been over a week, it may take me a while to get up to speed. I'm just happy to be back online and want to reiterate that I HEART THE INTERWEB!!!
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