My weekend

I went to Idaho this weekend. It was kind of last minute, but it turned out to be a good time to go - the weather was wonderful over the weekend for a change!!! It was a good time to go, but it was a hard trip.

My grandpa has cancer. The doctors did not give him a life expectancy timeframe. They directed him to hospice. When my dad had cancer they only called hospice when they new he was at the end. So, even though the doctors did not give my grandpa a timeline, the implication was clear - he doesn't have much time left. One of the reasons they didn't give him a timeline, though, is because they said there was too much uncertainty; it could be a week, it could be a year - they just don't know.

So I went knowing it could be the last time I would see him. Watching a loved one go through cancer is hard enough, but there are other reasons why this is hard. My dad passed away on March 11, 2007, so naturally, this time of year is hard because it brings all those memories back. Also, my grandma has Alzheimers. She gets disoriented and not sure where anything is, her own home feels foreign to her. All she knows is that her husband is hurting and she can't do anything about it, so she just cries. That's really hard on my grandpa. She gets in these ruts of asking the same question over and over and it drives him crazy. He knows she can't help it, but it still wears on him.

He spoke in church on Sunday and announced to the ward what was going on; previously, no one knew. I appreciated his testimony of enduring to the end and he is a great example of faith.

I've had my share of therapy over the years and one of the things that has always been helpful for me has been to talk things out. But my relationship with my grandparents has waned over the the last many years where I do not feel comfortable talking about personal things; although I've wanted them to know how I feel. I wrote them a letter explaining what happened that caused me to distance myself from them and I hope they can at least be understanding of what I experienced. It wasn't as good as being able to talk, but it was a start and at the very least, they will know why I have been so distant; that I wasn't just ungrateful, but that I had a reason for it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on this monstrous test I have to take tomorrow! I was hoping to get caught up this weekend, but I can't study while traveling, so I am not ready for this test. I took the day off work today and I think I am making some headway, but I know it won't be enough. I am using this as a learning opportunity, however, and I see where I need to improve to be more diligent. Now I just need to prepare myself for the horrible grade I'm about to get on this test!!