The lesson I'm learning

I've had quite an unusual week this week. My emotions have been meandering through all sorts of territories, like a wild river with no sense of direction. I took some time to write in my journal this morning, which helped me see many blessings I hadn't noticed before. I've been trying to think of a way to describe how I feel and what I've learned and it's hard to put into words. What I did do, was think of an analogy, much like a parable, that comes close to what I've been going through this week.

"Once upon a time there was a man walking along a well-worn, albeit dusty, barren road. At length, he came upon a black stone in the road, small enough to fit in the palm of his hand. The stone stood out because of its remarkable blackness; it did not look like it belonged there. As he picked up the stone, he noticed immediately that it weighed more than it looked like it should. This caused him to inspect the stone in ernest. He discovered that the stone was not actually black, but it was coated with a layer of something black. It was a kind of dense, chalky ash that did not come off easily, but with expending some effort, it could be removed. He put the stone in his pocket and carried it home.

When he arrived home he endeavored to remove the outer layer so that he could reveal the real stone beneath. He rubbed it, wiped it, brushed it, even took it to a pail of water and scrubbed it. Little by little, the blackness wore away. When he finished, he was satisfied. He did not hold a stone, but an immense and precious diamond. He immeidately wondered how many people must have seen this same stone in the road and passed over it without a second thought because of its appearance? He held it up to the light and it was almost luminous. He took it out to his garden and placed it in an honored place among his most beautiful flowers. There it shone in the sun and by adding richness to his surroundings, gave him great happiness."

In my present circumstance I am the stone in this story. Sometimes the blackness is sorrow; sometimes it is suffering and pain; sometimes it is sin. But these things are not who I am underneath and I know that what I am going through is the process of being "rubbed clean." Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's painful, but it is also necessary. I can't remove the blackness on my own - it must be done by the Savior. But He does it because He knows what I am underneath. I know He wants me to be happy, but even more than being happy, He wants me to be better. He is helping me to become the man He knows I can be. I haven't yet caught that vision in full. I don't always know what I am worth, but I am learning to trust that he does.

Sad news...

My grandfather passed away this morning. I am still in shock a little and shaken up, even though this was not unexpected. I am glad I had the chance to visit him when I did.

Apparently this last week had been very bad for him. He was in a lot of pain; he had a blood clot in his leg that the doctor's didn't believe was worth doing anything about. They ramped up his morphine and sent him home (that was Sunday). I guess his pain was pretty bad, even with the morphine. For that reason, I'm glad he is not in pain any longer. I am also glad that he did not have to linger in pain. That was one thing I was grateful for with my dad, that he went relatively quickly too.

I'm in a bit of a daze still and not sure what to do. I hate that life doesn't stop. I know that I need to find quiet time to ponder and pray, meditate and cry, or do whatever I need to do, but it's hard to find the time when other obligations come up.  Some things don't wait and I just pray for strength to be sane and endure.

The anniversary of my dad's death is on the 11th of March. I usually feel some melancholy at this time of year; so maybe in a way it's good that these events are so close together - I can deal with it all at once. It's never easy, but the knowledge of where we go after this life comforts me and I have peace. I know that we are all in the Lord's hands and when he says it's our time to go, then it's the right time, because he is perfect and he knows perfectly when and where we are needed.

I learn a new word

So here's the background:
My sister's b-day is today (happy birthday R.!) and she really, REALLY wanted us to watch a movie this weekend called Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I have to say, I thought it was pretty funny.

One of the best moments was learning a new word: Minger. I wasn't sure what it meant so I looked it up online. I have no idea of the etymology, but here's the definition I found that is my favorite:

Minger - (adj.) Someone who fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down!

You'd be surprised how hard it is to work this into a conversation appropriately... trust me, I've been trying!!

Great moment...

So I've been watching Season 5 of Doctor Who, as you may have gathered from my previous post of yesterday! I think my favorite episode at the moment is Vincent and the Doctor. I put a clip below of the last few minutes of the episode.

Vincent Van Gogh had a bit of a crush on Amy Pond and she was hoping to make a difference in his life. Her unvoiced hope had been to encourage him enough not to take his own life so he could produce more art. I love this clip for the advice the Doctor gives Amy. It's a good message in general, but it was one I needed to be reminded of. Hope you like it too!

How cute is she?!?

I usually have lots of fleeting crushes. Right now, it's Karen Gillan from Season 5 of Doctor Who...

Seriously, how cute is she?

My weekend

I went to Idaho this weekend. It was kind of last minute, but it turned out to be a good time to go - the weather was wonderful over the weekend for a change!!! It was a good time to go, but it was a hard trip.

My grandpa has cancer. The doctors did not give him a life expectancy timeframe. They directed him to hospice. When my dad had cancer they only called hospice when they new he was at the end. So, even though the doctors did not give my grandpa a timeline, the implication was clear - he doesn't have much time left. One of the reasons they didn't give him a timeline, though, is because they said there was too much uncertainty; it could be a week, it could be a year - they just don't know.

So I went knowing it could be the last time I would see him. Watching a loved one go through cancer is hard enough, but there are other reasons why this is hard. My dad passed away on March 11, 2007, so naturally, this time of year is hard because it brings all those memories back. Also, my grandma has Alzheimers. She gets disoriented and not sure where anything is, her own home feels foreign to her. All she knows is that her husband is hurting and she can't do anything about it, so she just cries. That's really hard on my grandpa. She gets in these ruts of asking the same question over and over and it drives him crazy. He knows she can't help it, but it still wears on him.

He spoke in church on Sunday and announced to the ward what was going on; previously, no one knew. I appreciated his testimony of enduring to the end and he is a great example of faith.

I've had my share of therapy over the years and one of the things that has always been helpful for me has been to talk things out. But my relationship with my grandparents has waned over the the last many years where I do not feel comfortable talking about personal things; although I've wanted them to know how I feel. I wrote them a letter explaining what happened that caused me to distance myself from them and I hope they can at least be understanding of what I experienced. It wasn't as good as being able to talk, but it was a start and at the very least, they will know why I have been so distant; that I wasn't just ungrateful, but that I had a reason for it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on this monstrous test I have to take tomorrow! I was hoping to get caught up this weekend, but I can't study while traveling, so I am not ready for this test. I took the day off work today and I think I am making some headway, but I know it won't be enough. I am using this as a learning opportunity, however, and I see where I need to improve to be more diligent. Now I just need to prepare myself for the horrible grade I'm about to get on this test!!

Templates

Well I did end up doing my taxes. And I get a refund, so that is nice! Only I was annoyed that I had to select the "wait for a check" option, because when I went to the library I hadn't "planned" on doing my taxes, so I didn't have my bank routing number and such. Lame. Another reason why I hate not having the internet at home, but in the end, it's saving me money and I can live with waiting a few weeks for my check.

Switching gears: You know how blogs have "templates" you can follow? Well, I have been thinking about templates in the mind. (Yes, I am nerdy enough to wonder about this on a regular day, but this thought also coincides with my Language Development class where we are talking about language as a construct of the mind vs. biological function, and how they influence each other, etc.) By template I mean the beliefs through which I navigate the world. Some people refer to this as a "belief window" or a "belief filter" all of which catch the essence of what I mean by a template. Anyway, what I've decided is that my template has been all wrong.

I won't go into all the reasons, but I have been approaching the world (and my relationships for the most part) with the belief that I am inadequate or inferior in some way; i.e., that I don't "measure up." Most of the problems I have in life, either stem from, or are connected to this belief. It makes sense that I would be afraid of a lot of things. It makes sense that I would hesitate to really pursue a better life for myself. It's because I've been working from this template of inferiority. In other words, I go out into the world saying I want validation, but even when I get it, it doesn't mean anything because I'm viewing it in a framework of not being good enough. Like why I have such a problem accepting compliments.

It's actually a relief to me to make this realization. I know I won't be able to change it overnight, but being aware means that I CAN change it. I really feel that this inspiration is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I want to change and he knows how much I want to understand Agency this year. This is the perfect opportunity for me to do that; to use the agency he's given me to choose a different template. To decide that I am going to learn how to approach life with courage, rather than fear.

Now if I can just figure out how to change the template on my blog...

Attacks (of the Mundane and Peppers)

I hate it when I don't have anything to do! Well, I guess that's not entirely accurate. I hate it when I have unstructured free time, wherein I have things that I can do, but nothing I HAVE to do. I have this thing where I feel like if I'm not multi-tasking, or at the very least, just being productive every second of every day, then I am lazy. I don't know where that started, but I want to be able to take a "day off" and be okay with that. I think balance in life is essential, I guess I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Today is a mundane day. I got done all of the things that I "had" to do and then looked at the clock: 11:30am. Which means I have basically a whole day to do whatever. AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!

I could have done my dishes, but they can wait. I could have vacuumed/swept/mopped... eh, that can wait too. I could have plopped down on the couch and zoned out watching a movie or read a book... eh, too lazy. I could have sat down and finally read my textbooks, i.e., do my homework... eh.

I decided to go to the library. Which is where I am right this second. I am downloading all the shows I missed this week and will probably break down and do my taxes here in a few minutes. Maybe then I'll think about doing my homework. Maybe.

Maybe it's because the day outside is cold and rainy. I really want pizza, but I am trying to do better at controlling what I eat. Which for me means NOT mindlessly shoving whatever's at hand into my face, or going out to get fast food because, again, I'm too lazy to fix something.

Funny story: So, a lot of people around me have either been sick, or talk about how their siblings/relatives are in some way deathly ill. I decided to alter my stew recipe and make one with some spicy kick to it to keep my immune system boosted. (It turned out to be more of a sauce than a stew, but that's not really the point here.) I was sauteeing some bell peppers and some jalapeno peppers. While I was chopping up some leeks and garlic I realized the heat was up too high and some of the peppers started burning. I dropped what I was doing, ran over and turned down the heat and added some more oil to the pan. Ultimately, I saved the stew, but..., BUT, my entire apartment smelled like burning peppers. I threw open all my windows (which is something I usually try to avoid in the dead o' winter) and turned the thermostat down to, like, 50. The cold air came on and started moving the "fumes" out. I say fumes because a moment or two later, I noticed that I kept dry-hacking and needed to drink a lot of water. I'm no "Mr. Wizard," but here's my theory: I'm guessing the capsaicin that gives peppers their "heat" doesn't really care if it's in solid, liquid or gas form. Furthermore, I'm also guessing that my lungs are not a fan of breathing in hot pepper smoke full of capsaisin. That's when I decided to leave my house*.

When I woke up this morning, I could still smell "roasted" peppers... I guess I'd rather smell jalapeno-y than get sick.

*My apologies to my neighbors, especially the ones living under me!!