I didn't sleep all that well last night. I remember tossing and turning several times. Then when I did "wake up," I had the nagging beginnings of a sore throat. I didn't feel sick though - as in, no aches/pains, no headache/migraines, etc., which helped me realize that I had been pushing my luck with my diet.
Over the last few of weeks I've not really paid attention to what I was eating. And being careless has resulted in eating lots of sugar, dairy and white flour. This is like a sore-throat cocktail when I think about it. Sugar depresses the immune system and contributes to inflammation. For me, dairy increases secretions, congestion and allergies/post-nasal drip. So it's not surprising that I would feel a sore throat coming on.
I've been thinking about why I haven't cared to keep track of what I was eating. I know one reason is this terrible limbo I'm in. I'm out of school and not working. I'm living at my mom's house again (which is more psychologically depressing than anything) and just waiting for my license to come through so I can officially move/start working. I have felt so out of place and purposeless. I've been through this really difficult Master's program and now that I (against all odds!) actually feel ready to start working in my new field, I'm just sitting around not doing anything. I feel like my life is kind of meaningless right now.
It's not the first time my life has felt meaningless, but it's first time I've had high enough self-esteem to really feel like I'm good at something and can make a difference in people's lives. And yet, here I am, just sitting here - not doing that.
As I've been reflecting on it I realize that this experience has been good in that it's helped me see that I haven't really been living my life with intention. I guess I've felt that if my life were filled with things to keep me busy then I was "living," but really I've just been living to distract myself with "busy-ness," not really living, or enjoying life. This makes me wonder, what is it that I'm trying to distract myself from? It's in those moments when I don't have enough to do that I feel purposeless, which to me also feels very much like not having worth or not measuring up - in other words, I'm not "busy" doing meaningful things, so I'm failing at life. That sounds a little drastic, but the little knot I feel in my stomach as I type this tells me I might be on to something here...
Just when I think I've dealt with my issues of poor self-esteem and low self-worth, some other aspect of it creeps up in another area of my life - which only proves to me how pervasive that belief system has been and how profoundly it's impacted every area of my life. But the more erroneous belief system connections I find, the more connections I can break, alter, or at the very least weaken.
Which I guess means it's time for me to make a schedule for myself of when to sleep and when to exercise. I also need to start doing more exercise than just walking. Even though walking is excellent exercise, I need to start pushing myself a little more. I also need to start to keep a food journal. It sounds like a pain, but after all, I have the time...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
The right motivation
While I was out walking this morning I was thinking about what motivates me - specifically about exercise.
I've always had a thing about whether or not I should do something depending on whether or not I felt my motivation for it was right or wrong. For example: If I felt that my motivation to exercise was to "look good," then I would feel that that was shallow, superficial motivation and I wouldn't follow through on my commitment to exercise. On the other hand, if my motivation was to really take care of my health, then that was a "right" motivation, and I'd do the "right" things.
Essentially, I've wanted to do the right things FOR the right reason's and if I didn't have the right reason's, then I didn't do anything, even the "right" things. I know that's flawed logic, but there it is. (I must have adopted this view when I was little and when you're little, logic isn't at the forefront of your decision making processes...)
The problem is, we live in a world where we can't truly "see" good health. Don't get me wrong, to some degree good health equates to looking good. It's true that in general people who are healthy, also look good... usually. I do know some people who are healthy, but don't have a "perfect" body that "looks good." And certainly, not everyone who looks good is healthy (chain-smokers are pretty thin, but that's not a body I'd want!). And I'm just going to say it, skinny or not, some people are just ugly and it's not their fault! My point is, I guess I'm not the only one who sometimes gets distracted by appearances. Sure I would love to look good without having to actually work for it. Buying a ton of new clothes is easy. Plastic surgery is easy. Popping pills is easy. The problem is, when I change things on the outside I only change them on the outside and that extrinsic motivation fades - usually pretty quickly and usually with a bag of Oreo's!
Anyway, I realized that, while in and of itself, wanting to look good isn't necessarily bad, what is bad is that I wanted it without wanting to work for it. I thought looking good meant being worth something, and being more acceptable in society, so I was desperate to have it. Desperation doesn't usually lend itself well to wanting to work hard at making lasting positive life changes, just FYI.
But when I think about my health - may actual health, aside from appearance, then I start to ask questions about how I feel about myself on the inside; that's hard work sometimes. There are things about myself I don't want to admit to. But I also realize that my health is infinitely more important than my appearance. I DO want good health. I don't want to go through what my dad did with cancer. I don't want to live my life on a motorized scooter or barely able to get off the couch like some people. I don't want to live my life being sick, weak, uncomfortable and embarrassed or ashamed of myself all the time. I DO want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to travel and explore the world and try new things. I want to meet new people and see how they live. I want to hear other's perspectives on life. I want to find life enjoyable and fun. That can only come from good health, not just good appearances.
I guess the whole "wanting to look good to be accepted by others" is just another aspect of trying to find acceptance from outside myself, as if that could somehow give me permission to accept myself on the inside. But that only gives other people the power to determine my worth or how I should feel about myself. (No wonder I've felt weak and like a victim - I've chosen to put myself in that position!) The agency, or ability to choose how I feel about myself, is something I should NEVER give away. (But I see it all the time in other people too, so I guess I'm not the only one.)
I almost cringe now when I hear people respond to why they want to lose weight... "to look good!" among other things. What they're really saying is, I want to look good to other people, i.e., to be more acceptable. What about the people who say, "I don't care what other people think, I want to like what I see in the mirror?" People who really love themselves, don't look down on themselves - even when they acknowledge something they want to change. Again, if all you want is to change what you see in the mirror than you are only changing for superficial reasons! In other words, the mirror becomes a symbolic reflection of what you think the world thinks of you based on your appearance. Am I rambling now? I feel like I'm rambling. Is this making any sense?
My point is, looking good might be a nice side benefit to being healthy, but in and of itself, it just isn't enough of a "right" motivation to work hard at being healthy. The desire to be healthy should come from a desire to really be your best self and free you to enjoy living the life you want to live. There is so much joy and abundance in the world, but it takes being healthy to be apart of it.
I've always had a thing about whether or not I should do something depending on whether or not I felt my motivation for it was right or wrong. For example: If I felt that my motivation to exercise was to "look good," then I would feel that that was shallow, superficial motivation and I wouldn't follow through on my commitment to exercise. On the other hand, if my motivation was to really take care of my health, then that was a "right" motivation, and I'd do the "right" things.
Essentially, I've wanted to do the right things FOR the right reason's and if I didn't have the right reason's, then I didn't do anything, even the "right" things. I know that's flawed logic, but there it is. (I must have adopted this view when I was little and when you're little, logic isn't at the forefront of your decision making processes...)
The problem is, we live in a world where we can't truly "see" good health. Don't get me wrong, to some degree good health equates to looking good. It's true that in general people who are healthy, also look good... usually. I do know some people who are healthy, but don't have a "perfect" body that "looks good." And certainly, not everyone who looks good is healthy (chain-smokers are pretty thin, but that's not a body I'd want!). And I'm just going to say it, skinny or not, some people are just ugly and it's not their fault! My point is, I guess I'm not the only one who sometimes gets distracted by appearances. Sure I would love to look good without having to actually work for it. Buying a ton of new clothes is easy. Plastic surgery is easy. Popping pills is easy. The problem is, when I change things on the outside I only change them on the outside and that extrinsic motivation fades - usually pretty quickly and usually with a bag of Oreo's!
Anyway, I realized that, while in and of itself, wanting to look good isn't necessarily bad, what is bad is that I wanted it without wanting to work for it. I thought looking good meant being worth something, and being more acceptable in society, so I was desperate to have it. Desperation doesn't usually lend itself well to wanting to work hard at making lasting positive life changes, just FYI.
But when I think about my health - may actual health, aside from appearance, then I start to ask questions about how I feel about myself on the inside; that's hard work sometimes. There are things about myself I don't want to admit to. But I also realize that my health is infinitely more important than my appearance. I DO want good health. I don't want to go through what my dad did with cancer. I don't want to live my life on a motorized scooter or barely able to get off the couch like some people. I don't want to live my life being sick, weak, uncomfortable and embarrassed or ashamed of myself all the time. I DO want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to travel and explore the world and try new things. I want to meet new people and see how they live. I want to hear other's perspectives on life. I want to find life enjoyable and fun. That can only come from good health, not just good appearances.
I guess the whole "wanting to look good to be accepted by others" is just another aspect of trying to find acceptance from outside myself, as if that could somehow give me permission to accept myself on the inside. But that only gives other people the power to determine my worth or how I should feel about myself. (No wonder I've felt weak and like a victim - I've chosen to put myself in that position!) The agency, or ability to choose how I feel about myself, is something I should NEVER give away. (But I see it all the time in other people too, so I guess I'm not the only one.)
I almost cringe now when I hear people respond to why they want to lose weight... "to look good!" among other things. What they're really saying is, I want to look good to other people, i.e., to be more acceptable. What about the people who say, "I don't care what other people think, I want to like what I see in the mirror?" People who really love themselves, don't look down on themselves - even when they acknowledge something they want to change. Again, if all you want is to change what you see in the mirror than you are only changing for superficial reasons! In other words, the mirror becomes a symbolic reflection of what you think the world thinks of you based on your appearance. Am I rambling now? I feel like I'm rambling. Is this making any sense?
My point is, looking good might be a nice side benefit to being healthy, but in and of itself, it just isn't enough of a "right" motivation to work hard at being healthy. The desire to be healthy should come from a desire to really be your best self and free you to enjoy living the life you want to live. There is so much joy and abundance in the world, but it takes being healthy to be apart of it.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The promises we keep
I woke up this morning to a feeble light trying to find its way into my room. Feeble, but persistent as it had to travel through a covered patio, a covered window well and two sets of curtains. I'm surprised any light made it through at all. The brief joy of waking naturally was quickly replaced with the discomfort of sore and achy muscles. First, from the two to three days of packing and cleaning my old place and second, from the strange contours of a new, unfamiliar bed.
A blind stretch to my nightstand, gentle groping and a squinty-through-one-eyelid glance at the piercing light of my cell phone display told me it was 6:13am. My first reaction was to bemoan how early I had awoken, knowing that I had given myself permission to sleep in, but then I recalled that I had gone to bed at 10:00pm the night before and getting eight hours of sleep felt like an accomplishment; even if I was pretty sore.
"Well now what am I going to do?" was the actual question I asked myself.
"Go back to sleep," was the obvious answer! ... and yet...
I couldn't help but watch the light, which seemed to be glowing, behind the curtains. Was it blue because it was indirect and had to go through so many levels of obstacles? Or was it blue because the sky was a brilliant morning blue, however far away it may be? All I knew was that the light meant that the sun was rising on a new day and did I really want to miss it?
Then I began to contemplate my life and the sudden changes I am experiencing. Graduation from a program that felt like it would never end. Unexpectedly obtaining a job... in another state. The ensuing purge of neglected possessions; some to throw out, others to donate. Then packing and cleaning and the realization that nothing will ever be the same for me...
"Can I really leave my family? My friends? My whole life has been here. How can I just leave it behind like this?" What a curious thought - that my life is somehow tied to a specific set of circumstances! Isn't my life my own? Isn't my life simply wherever I happen to be? And what do I want out of life?
It had been suggested to me that this change is an opportunity to make a new start. That was an idea that had already occurred to me, truth be told, but another idea also occurred to me. What guarantees me being a new person simply because I move to a new place? The truth is, when I move I will be "taking myself" with me. I will be taking my same thoughts, my same words, my same ideas, my same beliefs, my same way of seeing the world and others and myself... Will all of that mysteriously change simply because I move to a new place?
Another realization, which is perhaps somewhat self-convicting, why am I living a life where it becomes necessary, or even just desirable, to "start over?" If I need a new start, perhaps I wasn't really living "my" life to the fullest. Perhaps I spent to many mornings "sleeping in."
(Side note: I love these deep philosophical debates with myself, no matter what time of day it is!)
I had resolved that if I am going to make a new start, it is only going to be coincidence that it's happening along with other changes in my life. I am going to "make a new start" simply because I want to live a different life, starting today. So I did what I promised myself I would do and went for a walk this morning.
Now, I don't know where or when this started, but for as long as I can remember, every time I exercise, I immediately feel ashamed and like people are going to laugh at me. Today was no different. Being in a (temporarily) new neighborhood WASN'T liberating, as I had thought it might be. It was just a newer set faces to look at me and make fun of me; new people to be afraid of. But I had made a promise to myself that I was going to live my life not fearing what other people may or may not be thinking of me. So I set out.
I took in several deep breaths of air, held my head up high and started walking. The sky WAS in fact a brilliant morning blue. While it WAS light outside, the sun, much to my chagrin, had not yet risen. A five minute walk took me to an open field and just as I reached it, the sun slid up from behind the mountains. I felt like it was shining just for me at that moment.
My walk also took me past a busy street (yay - more people to stare at me!) that runs under some train tracks. During a brief lull in traffic, I got this fun view:
That may sound anti-climactic for some. But for me, it's a big deal, not for the act of walking, but for the meaning behind it. It meant that I was challenging my own beliefs and thoughts about myself. I haven't always felt that I was worth much, but today I chose to believe that I was worth something. I have always been afraid of what other people may think or say, but today I chose to believe that it didn't matter (FYI - nobody made fun of me for exercising!). I haven't always believed that I deserve to improve myself, but today I chose to believe that I do.
So maybe it's just coincidence that I am taking these risks now that I've graduated and am in the process of moving to a new place. Or maybe I just needed this upheaval in circumstances as an impetus to make some changes within. I accept now that the changes I make within are the ones that determine my life and NOT my circumstances. It's not where I live, or what I own, or even what I look like - it's how I think and feel about myself and how I treat myself that determine my life.
Today was just a Wednesday. But it was a great day because it was a new start - a new life of faith, of belief and of keeping promises to myself.
A blind stretch to my nightstand, gentle groping and a squinty-through-one-eyelid glance at the piercing light of my cell phone display told me it was 6:13am. My first reaction was to bemoan how early I had awoken, knowing that I had given myself permission to sleep in, but then I recalled that I had gone to bed at 10:00pm the night before and getting eight hours of sleep felt like an accomplishment; even if I was pretty sore.
"Well now what am I going to do?" was the actual question I asked myself.
"Go back to sleep," was the obvious answer! ... and yet...
I couldn't help but watch the light, which seemed to be glowing, behind the curtains. Was it blue because it was indirect and had to go through so many levels of obstacles? Or was it blue because the sky was a brilliant morning blue, however far away it may be? All I knew was that the light meant that the sun was rising on a new day and did I really want to miss it?
Then I began to contemplate my life and the sudden changes I am experiencing. Graduation from a program that felt like it would never end. Unexpectedly obtaining a job... in another state. The ensuing purge of neglected possessions; some to throw out, others to donate. Then packing and cleaning and the realization that nothing will ever be the same for me...
"Can I really leave my family? My friends? My whole life has been here. How can I just leave it behind like this?" What a curious thought - that my life is somehow tied to a specific set of circumstances! Isn't my life my own? Isn't my life simply wherever I happen to be? And what do I want out of life?
It had been suggested to me that this change is an opportunity to make a new start. That was an idea that had already occurred to me, truth be told, but another idea also occurred to me. What guarantees me being a new person simply because I move to a new place? The truth is, when I move I will be "taking myself" with me. I will be taking my same thoughts, my same words, my same ideas, my same beliefs, my same way of seeing the world and others and myself... Will all of that mysteriously change simply because I move to a new place?
Another realization, which is perhaps somewhat self-convicting, why am I living a life where it becomes necessary, or even just desirable, to "start over?" If I need a new start, perhaps I wasn't really living "my" life to the fullest. Perhaps I spent to many mornings "sleeping in."
(Side note: I love these deep philosophical debates with myself, no matter what time of day it is!)
I had resolved that if I am going to make a new start, it is only going to be coincidence that it's happening along with other changes in my life. I am going to "make a new start" simply because I want to live a different life, starting today. So I did what I promised myself I would do and went for a walk this morning.
Now, I don't know where or when this started, but for as long as I can remember, every time I exercise, I immediately feel ashamed and like people are going to laugh at me. Today was no different. Being in a (temporarily) new neighborhood WASN'T liberating, as I had thought it might be. It was just a newer set faces to look at me and make fun of me; new people to be afraid of. But I had made a promise to myself that I was going to live my life not fearing what other people may or may not be thinking of me. So I set out.
I took in several deep breaths of air, held my head up high and started walking. The sky WAS in fact a brilliant morning blue. While it WAS light outside, the sun, much to my chagrin, had not yet risen. A five minute walk took me to an open field and just as I reached it, the sun slid up from behind the mountains. I felt like it was shining just for me at that moment.
Just south of Thanksgiving Point in Lehi, Utah looking eastward
My walk also took me past a busy street (yay - more people to stare at me!) that runs under some train tracks. During a brief lull in traffic, I got this fun view:
But without a doubt, the best view was the one I got when I made it home. What was that great view? I had kept my promise to myself!That may sound anti-climactic for some. But for me, it's a big deal, not for the act of walking, but for the meaning behind it. It meant that I was challenging my own beliefs and thoughts about myself. I haven't always felt that I was worth much, but today I chose to believe that I was worth something. I have always been afraid of what other people may think or say, but today I chose to believe that it didn't matter (FYI - nobody made fun of me for exercising!). I haven't always believed that I deserve to improve myself, but today I chose to believe that I do.
So maybe it's just coincidence that I am taking these risks now that I've graduated and am in the process of moving to a new place. Or maybe I just needed this upheaval in circumstances as an impetus to make some changes within. I accept now that the changes I make within are the ones that determine my life and NOT my circumstances. It's not where I live, or what I own, or even what I look like - it's how I think and feel about myself and how I treat myself that determine my life.
Today was just a Wednesday. But it was a great day because it was a new start - a new life of faith, of belief and of keeping promises to myself.
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