Today is my dad's Birthday. I feel bad that I didn't remember until this morning when I woke up. This time of year is hard because my thoughts turn to my dad and our relationship, which was good, then rocky, then good again. Next week, the 11th to be exact, will be the anniversary of his passing (7 years ago!). It's always a hard time of year - my thoughts and moods are like a pendulum as I swing from things I miss (and things I will miss in the future), to gratitude for the time we had.
Happy Birthday, Dad!
The fact that I hadn't remembered my dad's birthday is only a reflection of how difficult things have been for me recently. Mostly internal struggles about what I want out of life and what I think I'm worth having. I've never been good about putting my needs first - it feels selfish and prideful. But little by litte I'm discovering that a rusty, broken tool is useless. A tool needs to be maintained in order to work effectively. I can't be a benefit to those around me if I'm broken and rusty. I have not been healthy, maybe ever, but certainly more recently. I have found a great career that is service-oriented, but at the expense of my health.
So I've done something either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid - and submitted my resignation. I've given 60 days notice so I will be done by the end of April. I will meet the requirements to garner my national certification, which is a milestone I would greatly regret missing. But after that...? I have no back-up plan. I don't even know that I want to continue with Speech-Language Pathology.
I am terrified. I believe I've done the right thing, but I don't know if I have. I worry that I'm being irresponsible, or that I'm making a rash decision, but ultimately, I don't think so. I hope that what I've done is an expression of faith. Faith in myself that it's time to give myself a chance to be healthy, faith that I'm worth it, and faith that I have a loving Father in Heaven who will support me in my decision and will provide for my needs, as well as my health and happiness. Ultimately, I hope that in so doing I will find that I am well enough to be of service to Him.
