Patience... *sigh*
I'm not really a patient person. This has really come to the forefront for me lately. Now that I am okay with making changes I want them to happen - right now. And they don't. Grrr....
For example: I get frustrated when I walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes at alternating intensities and feel great for having had a great workout and then I wake up the next morning looking... the same. I think a small part of me expects to lose 20 lbs and see a noticeable difference after only one day of exercise. Irrational? Umm.. yeah.
Change takes time. I know this logically, but I haven't really experienced making change, ya know? I'm usually fighting change tooth and nail. I think it must come from feeling like I've wasted so much time feeling bad about myself and unworthy of anything better. Now that I am opening myself up to the possibility of feeling good about myself and worth having a better life, I don't want to waste another day - I want to be the best I can be and enjoy life to the fullest now.
But that takes time, which takes patience, and I realize that I'm still too focused on an outcome and not the process. I realize that I'm still buying into the "I'll be happy when..." syndrome. Even though I've opened myself up to the possibility that it's okay to have what I believe will enhance my happiness, it will take time to "have" it, or achieve it. I still need to remind myself that I am happy with who I am right now and that I'm okay through the process of change.
I guess patience is just another aspect of acceptance. If I truly accept myself, then I'll be patient with any change I want to make and the time it will take to change. I know that I'm okay now and whatever I change I make it'll be the process more than the actual outcome that I'll feel proud of. (Well, maybe a little bit the outcome...)
People might see the loss of 20 lbs, but what they don't see are the days, weeks, months, and years of exercise that went into it. The sacrafices of diet (*sniff* I miss you starchy carbs and sugar...). But that's what I'll see when I look in the mirror and know that I was worth the effort.
I guess patience is also an aspect of faith. Faith that my life will improve with consistent and conscientious effort. Faith that I'm worth it and faith that I can be patient until I achieve what I'm working toward because I'm okay with who I am now.
Hey! I almost forgot... Merry Christmas!! :)
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Singing and resolutions
I've been contemplating taking voice lessons for a while now. Actually, I've always wanted to, but never seemed to have the time or the money. But I think I've decided, like most self-improvement related matters, they don't just happen on their own. And if not now, when? Well, apparently I was a few months too late. I was "roped" into singing in church for our Christmas program. It wasn't a big deal - just one verse of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day", but still, I lack a lot of confidence when it comes to singing in public. I was so nervous - my heart was racing; but it all went down okay and I feel like I did well enough not to worry about it anymore. It was also very good motivation to really get serious about taking voice lessons. I think I like singing enough that I would probably actually volunteer sometimes... maybe.
Different topic: New Year's Resolutions. I don't actually believe in them anymore. I've decided that what I do believe in are Resolutions to make a New Year. What I mean is, that it doesn't matter what time of year it is, if you have something in your life you want to change, make a resolution to change it. It doesn't have to be January 1st. What do February 10th, July 16th, and October 2nd all have in common? Nothing. But they work just as good as January 1 for deciding to make a change. Just make sure your resolution to change is the result of self-acceptance, not a feeling of being deficient in some way! (See previous post.)
Different topic: New Year's Resolutions. I don't actually believe in them anymore. I've decided that what I do believe in are Resolutions to make a New Year. What I mean is, that it doesn't matter what time of year it is, if you have something in your life you want to change, make a resolution to change it. It doesn't have to be January 1st. What do February 10th, July 16th, and October 2nd all have in common? Nothing. But they work just as good as January 1 for deciding to make a change. Just make sure your resolution to change is the result of self-acceptance, not a feeling of being deficient in some way! (See previous post.)
Friday, December 21, 2012
People are amazing
I had a great visit with an independent SLP (speech-language pathologist) yesterday. She gave me some great insight and feedback into concerns regarding a private practice. I'm not actually considering going into a private practice at the moment - I'll need several years of "field" experience before I would be comfortable doing that. But she was fantastic to give me some things to think about and really helpful.
I got in touch with her from a gentleman who is a rep for an Assistive Technology company, who came to speak to our class several weeks ago. I talked with him for a bit and mentioned my interests and he told me I had to talk to this lady he knew; he put me in touch with her and... fast forward to yesterday.
Then, I reached out to a friend I new in the singles ward some time ago who does Physical Therapy. In all the last few years I've had questions on some things, I never thought to ask him. I think I was afraid that he either wouldn't be willing to help, or not able to help since I don't have insurance. In any case, I finally decided to email him and ask him for some information. He said he couldn't help me... over email, but could I come down to the clinic he works at where we could talk about it more in detail? Of course I could come down! Are you kidding me? Honestly, I know it seems rediculous, but I sat stunned at his response. I was only hoping for some direction or information, but he offered to have me come see him in person - that to me is going way above and beyond and not at all what I expected.
I had to ask myself - why didn't I think of asking for his help sooner? Oh yeah... that little four-letter "F" word: FEAR.
I've been realizing that as I develop more self-confidence, which hasn't removed fear, but it has given me more courage, I am astounded at how willing people are to help - if I just ask. Sure, not everyone I ask will be able or willing to help, but how many people WILL be? I'll never know unless I have the courage to try. The fact that I've had these few people be willing to help me gives me more encouragement and makes me realize that people really do want to be helpful and people really are amazing.
I got in touch with her from a gentleman who is a rep for an Assistive Technology company, who came to speak to our class several weeks ago. I talked with him for a bit and mentioned my interests and he told me I had to talk to this lady he knew; he put me in touch with her and... fast forward to yesterday.
Then, I reached out to a friend I new in the singles ward some time ago who does Physical Therapy. In all the last few years I've had questions on some things, I never thought to ask him. I think I was afraid that he either wouldn't be willing to help, or not able to help since I don't have insurance. In any case, I finally decided to email him and ask him for some information. He said he couldn't help me... over email, but could I come down to the clinic he works at where we could talk about it more in detail? Of course I could come down! Are you kidding me? Honestly, I know it seems rediculous, but I sat stunned at his response. I was only hoping for some direction or information, but he offered to have me come see him in person - that to me is going way above and beyond and not at all what I expected.
I had to ask myself - why didn't I think of asking for his help sooner? Oh yeah... that little four-letter "F" word: FEAR.
I've been realizing that as I develop more self-confidence, which hasn't removed fear, but it has given me more courage, I am astounded at how willing people are to help - if I just ask. Sure, not everyone I ask will be able or willing to help, but how many people WILL be? I'll never know unless I have the courage to try. The fact that I've had these few people be willing to help me gives me more encouragement and makes me realize that people really do want to be helpful and people really are amazing.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
End of the semester updates
I'll jump right in to the updates:
It's been a month since I posted and I'm happy to say I've pretty much avoided all forms of Cheetoes!
I just finished up the semester a week ago. This means I have one semester left before I graduate. (I can't believe I'm typing these words!) My spring semester consists of one half-semester class (Cleft-Palate) and two 10-week externships. Then I'll graduate and start looking for jobs! Woohoo!
I know people are terrified of the externship experience - this is where we go out into the real world and, for the first week or so, observe a nationally certified Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP), then, for the next nine weeks, we step in. We are 100% observed by our externship supervisor, but we are the one in the driver's seat when it comes to providing assessment/therapy. This is a big deal. This is the "real world" experience and many of us doubt whether or not we are up to the challenge.
Oddly enough, I don't feel that way. I am so freaking excited to start. I have no illusions about how I'll do - I'm going to mess some things up and make some mistakes. But my school-clinic experience has taught me many things - one of which, is that I'm capable. I know I don't know everything, but I feel capable of learning what I need to know. I think the other reason I'm not scared is because of the previous 12 years I spent in jobs (both very good jobs!) that weren't right for me. I was miserable and dreaded waking up in the morning. Now, when I think about what I'll be doing, I feel excited to wake up and I can't wait to see who I'm going to meet, what challenge I'll be presented with and, more selfishly, what I have to learn from the people I meet. (Thus far, I've learned from every client I've worked with and they have benefitted my life immensely.)
So that's where I'm at peeps - on the verge of growing up. It hasn't been easy. I've probably said this before and I'm quite sure I'll say it again, but this Graduate School experience has been a crucible for me because it has impacted me intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don't know that I could really ever ennumerate or even explain all of the things I've learned, but I know the person I am now is not the same person I was two years ago when I started the program. I have a lot of the same challenges as ever, but I deal with them differently because I see myself differently. The fact that I can type the words "...I'm capable..." without a hesitiation (you'll just have to take my word for it that I didn't hesitate when I typed it!) is proof that I am different now.
I'll just mention briefly (if that's possible for me!) one of the things I've been working on lately: Self-acceptance and change. These are known as Dialectical Tensions and they are one of the many paradoxes at play within each of us individually and in our interpersonal relationships (thank you Bachelor's degree!). These two concepts seem to be at odds with each other - why change what you accept and how do you accept something you want to change - but in reality, both are necessary. It's easy for me to look in the mirror and see a need for change. This is due to my making a value judgment about myself, whether physical or otherwise, and seeing myself as "not measuring up" in some way. "I'm not athletic and fit, so I'm not as attractive, or desireable, as other men." In this case, change for me is necessary because I NEED to change in order to meet some imagined criterea to feel worth. This is wrong. I don't know how else to say it as plainly; it's just wrong.
What I really "need" is acceptance. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to work on acceptance when all my life I've been telling myself I'm not good enough. Then again, maybe I don't have to tell some of you out there - maybe you know just what I mean... In any case, acceptance means that I change the messages I give to myself. Instead of not measuring up, I say that "I am 'me' for a reason. I wasn't meant to be like anyone else and my unique combination of strengths and weaknesses is okay. It's okay just being me." (p.s., that last sentence actually came from Elder Hales in a message he shared in my single's ward years ago... I'm grateful I never forgot it...)
As for the paradox? It is only when I truly accept myself that I give myself the freedom to change. Because once I accept myself, I find that I WANT to change in order to live a more fulfilled life, and not that I HAVE to change in order to measure up. Wanting to change because you love yourself is so much different from feeling you need to change because you think you are deficient in some way. And that's just it - it's all about what you choose to think of yourself. I'm choosing to think differently and no, just because I can sum it up in a few paragraphs, doesn't mean the process is easy. It's not easy. It's "f-ing" hard actually. (Pardon my language.) But it's also the only way to finding true happiness and living joyfully and with purpose.
It's been a month since I posted and I'm happy to say I've pretty much avoided all forms of Cheetoes!
I just finished up the semester a week ago. This means I have one semester left before I graduate. (I can't believe I'm typing these words!) My spring semester consists of one half-semester class (Cleft-Palate) and two 10-week externships. Then I'll graduate and start looking for jobs! Woohoo!
I know people are terrified of the externship experience - this is where we go out into the real world and, for the first week or so, observe a nationally certified Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP), then, for the next nine weeks, we step in. We are 100% observed by our externship supervisor, but we are the one in the driver's seat when it comes to providing assessment/therapy. This is a big deal. This is the "real world" experience and many of us doubt whether or not we are up to the challenge.
Oddly enough, I don't feel that way. I am so freaking excited to start. I have no illusions about how I'll do - I'm going to mess some things up and make some mistakes. But my school-clinic experience has taught me many things - one of which, is that I'm capable. I know I don't know everything, but I feel capable of learning what I need to know. I think the other reason I'm not scared is because of the previous 12 years I spent in jobs (both very good jobs!) that weren't right for me. I was miserable and dreaded waking up in the morning. Now, when I think about what I'll be doing, I feel excited to wake up and I can't wait to see who I'm going to meet, what challenge I'll be presented with and, more selfishly, what I have to learn from the people I meet. (Thus far, I've learned from every client I've worked with and they have benefitted my life immensely.)
So that's where I'm at peeps - on the verge of growing up. It hasn't been easy. I've probably said this before and I'm quite sure I'll say it again, but this Graduate School experience has been a crucible for me because it has impacted me intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don't know that I could really ever ennumerate or even explain all of the things I've learned, but I know the person I am now is not the same person I was two years ago when I started the program. I have a lot of the same challenges as ever, but I deal with them differently because I see myself differently. The fact that I can type the words "...I'm capable..." without a hesitiation (you'll just have to take my word for it that I didn't hesitate when I typed it!) is proof that I am different now.
I'll just mention briefly (if that's possible for me!) one of the things I've been working on lately: Self-acceptance and change. These are known as Dialectical Tensions and they are one of the many paradoxes at play within each of us individually and in our interpersonal relationships (thank you Bachelor's degree!). These two concepts seem to be at odds with each other - why change what you accept and how do you accept something you want to change - but in reality, both are necessary. It's easy for me to look in the mirror and see a need for change. This is due to my making a value judgment about myself, whether physical or otherwise, and seeing myself as "not measuring up" in some way. "I'm not athletic and fit, so I'm not as attractive, or desireable, as other men." In this case, change for me is necessary because I NEED to change in order to meet some imagined criterea to feel worth. This is wrong. I don't know how else to say it as plainly; it's just wrong.
What I really "need" is acceptance. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to work on acceptance when all my life I've been telling myself I'm not good enough. Then again, maybe I don't have to tell some of you out there - maybe you know just what I mean... In any case, acceptance means that I change the messages I give to myself. Instead of not measuring up, I say that "I am 'me' for a reason. I wasn't meant to be like anyone else and my unique combination of strengths and weaknesses is okay. It's okay just being me." (p.s., that last sentence actually came from Elder Hales in a message he shared in my single's ward years ago... I'm grateful I never forgot it...)
As for the paradox? It is only when I truly accept myself that I give myself the freedom to change. Because once I accept myself, I find that I WANT to change in order to live a more fulfilled life, and not that I HAVE to change in order to measure up. Wanting to change because you love yourself is so much different from feeling you need to change because you think you are deficient in some way. And that's just it - it's all about what you choose to think of yourself. I'm choosing to think differently and no, just because I can sum it up in a few paragraphs, doesn't mean the process is easy. It's not easy. It's "f-ing" hard actually. (Pardon my language.) But it's also the only way to finding true happiness and living joyfully and with purpose.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Seriously, America?
Here's why I love America:
Only in America can you take plants, strip them of all nutrients until they're broken down into a poisonous powder and/or oil, toss in some synthetic powder chemically altered to taste like cheese, puff it up with a blast of air and call it "food."
But wait, there's more...
Not only can you sell a chemical blend of powder, oil, and air as food, but then you can put it in a plain package and call it "natural." Then, not only do I want to buy it because it looks like it tastes good, but because I can actually feel good that I'm eating something totally "natural."
Becuase that's what it says on the bag.
I will never eat cheeto puffs again. At least, not the whole bag... in one sitting... like I did last week...
Thanks America!
Only in America can you take plants, strip them of all nutrients until they're broken down into a poisonous powder and/or oil, toss in some synthetic powder chemically altered to taste like cheese, puff it up with a blast of air and call it "food."
But wait, there's more...
Not only can you sell a chemical blend of powder, oil, and air as food, but then you can put it in a plain package and call it "natural." Then, not only do I want to buy it because it looks like it tastes good, but because I can actually feel good that I'm eating something totally "natural."
Becuase that's what it says on the bag.
You know what else is simply natural? Bacteria. And guess what totally natural cheese puffs look like?
I will never eat cheeto puffs again. At least, not the whole bag... in one sitting... like I did last week...
Thanks America!
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Pumpkin Envy
Picture it: Walmart, 2012, 7:30am.
I was innocently shopping when two people, independently and within minutes of each other, looked into my shopping cart and complemented me on my pumpkins. (I know it sounds like a euphemism, but it's not!)
One lady even pointed out that she liked how long the stems were on my pumpkins and then asked me where I found them.
Pumpkin Envy. It's a real thing.
I was innocently shopping when two people, independently and within minutes of each other, looked into my shopping cart and complemented me on my pumpkins. (I know it sounds like a euphemism, but it's not!)
One lady even pointed out that she liked how long the stems were on my pumpkins and then asked me where I found them.
Pumpkin Envy. It's a real thing.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Two of my favorite things...
I love how this can be both ridiculous AND catchy (two of my favorite things)!
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)
A few of his songs are this way - and they're great!! His name Mika (mee-kuh).
If you also like things ridiculous and catchy also check out Lollipop (slightly wrong lyrics, but you can google the right ones), Popular Song (sorry about the swears), and Grace Kelly (who else has a ka-ching-ah! at the end of a song?). Just don't say I didn't warn you - they are ridiculous...!!
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)
A few of his songs are this way - and they're great!! His name Mika (mee-kuh).
If you also like things ridiculous and catchy also check out Lollipop (slightly wrong lyrics, but you can google the right ones), Popular Song (sorry about the swears), and Grace Kelly (who else has a ka-ching-ah! at the end of a song?). Just don't say I didn't warn you - they are ridiculous...!!
Sunday, October 7, 2012
GenCon 182
I really enjoyed General Conference this year. But that's no surprise, I enjoy it every year. It gave me quite a bit to think about - as usual. One thing was different, though. Normally, the Saturday morning session is my favorite session, but this time it was the Saturday afternoon session. Virtually every talk was something I needed to hear. I didn't really take notes this time. I just put a star next to the name of the speakers that I felt like I needed to go back and study. That let me really listen and think about what was being said. I think I starred every talk Saturday afternoon. I look forward to when the talks are available to read...
School has been pretty tough lately, I haven't been able to blog as much as I've wanted. I will be glad when the semester is over, for lots of reasons.
School has been pretty tough lately, I haven't been able to blog as much as I've wanted. I will be glad when the semester is over, for lots of reasons.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Sugar sickness
I hate being sick. I got sick last weekend after a sugar bender. It's a proven fact that sugar depresses the immune system. Apparently there were plenty of germy bugs just waiting for the chance to invade once my defenses were down.
Since changing my diet, I don't get sick all that often. Maybe a couple times a year and even then, it's usually not too severe. (But even a mild illness seems all the more horrible when you've been well for so long.) It's quite a contrast from how I used to be. I used to get sick at least 4 to 5 times a year. I even had what my sister termed a "basket of sickness." It was a basket that held my tissues, cough drops, medicine, etc. When I got sick I pulled out my basket of sickness and carried it with me everywhere I went. Now I can't remember the last time I even bought ibuprofen. I changed my diet for primarily weight issues, but it's nice to reflect and see that the overall health benefits I've gained have been very real.
One thing that hasn't changed is that when I'm sick I want to be babied. I go into helpless mode and all I want to do is sleep and have someone do everything for me. Once I was old enough to be on my own I didn't have that luxury and I still miss it. Sometimes.
Since changing my diet, I don't get sick all that often. Maybe a couple times a year and even then, it's usually not too severe. (But even a mild illness seems all the more horrible when you've been well for so long.) It's quite a contrast from how I used to be. I used to get sick at least 4 to 5 times a year. I even had what my sister termed a "basket of sickness." It was a basket that held my tissues, cough drops, medicine, etc. When I got sick I pulled out my basket of sickness and carried it with me everywhere I went. Now I can't remember the last time I even bought ibuprofen. I changed my diet for primarily weight issues, but it's nice to reflect and see that the overall health benefits I've gained have been very real.
One thing that hasn't changed is that when I'm sick I want to be babied. I go into helpless mode and all I want to do is sleep and have someone do everything for me. Once I was old enough to be on my own I didn't have that luxury and I still miss it. Sometimes.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Movies
I love movies. I love going to the movies. Not in the "cinema veritas/movie-as-an-art-form" kind of way. I just like escaping and being entertained. I love it when a movie captures my experience or prefectly expresses how I experience life. And since I'm lazy, I love that I don't have to "work" for it. Years from now scientists may prove that movies are the visual equivalent to twinkies, but who doesn't love twinkies - even though you know they're horrible for you?
I own over 500 movies and starting grad school was killer for me in that it meant I couldn't afford to watch/buy movies as often as I'd like. Well it's been a worthy sacrifice, I must say, but when I graduate I'll have some serious catching up to do. I did see a few movies recently, The Bourne Legacy, Total Recall, and The Odd Life of Timothy Green. All of which I really enjoyed and recommend.
Some of the movies I'm really excited for are: The Hobbit, Skyfall, Sapphires, Butter, Looper, Hotel Transylvania, The Impossible, Frankenweenie, Argo, Wreck-it Ralph, Les Miserables, Oz the Great and Powerful, The Host, Iron Man 3, Star Trek sequel, Man of Steel, Monster's University, Despicable Me 2, Jack the Gian Killer, and... maybe I didn't make as much of a sacrifice as I thought I had.
Okay, it's confession time. So, as a rule, I don't watch rated R movies. But I have seen my share and I just realized the other day that I actually AM an adult and can handle more adult content. Not that I'm advocating it - the prophets have said not to do it and I totally agree. But I am also human and sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me. Almost every single time I see a rated R movie, I'm disappointed. It is almost always the case that the entertainment value of the movie (either the story or special effects or whatever) are not nearly good enough to compensate for the reason the show is rated R. But for me, there are a couple of exceptions. One is District 9. Wow! Loved it! The other exception(s) are the Resident Evil movies. I LOVE them!!! They are so freaking awesome that I can't even express how much I love them!! Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, but you get my drift. The fifth installment, Resident Evil: Retribution, is coming out soon and I can't wait! I'm not usually a fan of zombie apocalypse-type movies, but these are awesome!
I totally understand if you've lost all respect for me. :)
I own over 500 movies and starting grad school was killer for me in that it meant I couldn't afford to watch/buy movies as often as I'd like. Well it's been a worthy sacrifice, I must say, but when I graduate I'll have some serious catching up to do. I did see a few movies recently, The Bourne Legacy, Total Recall, and The Odd Life of Timothy Green. All of which I really enjoyed and recommend.
Some of the movies I'm really excited for are: The Hobbit, Skyfall, Sapphires, Butter, Looper, Hotel Transylvania, The Impossible, Frankenweenie, Argo, Wreck-it Ralph, Les Miserables, Oz the Great and Powerful, The Host, Iron Man 3, Star Trek sequel, Man of Steel, Monster's University, Despicable Me 2, Jack the Gian Killer, and... maybe I didn't make as much of a sacrifice as I thought I had.
Okay, it's confession time. So, as a rule, I don't watch rated R movies. But I have seen my share and I just realized the other day that I actually AM an adult and can handle more adult content. Not that I'm advocating it - the prophets have said not to do it and I totally agree. But I am also human and sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me. Almost every single time I see a rated R movie, I'm disappointed. It is almost always the case that the entertainment value of the movie (either the story or special effects or whatever) are not nearly good enough to compensate for the reason the show is rated R. But for me, there are a couple of exceptions. One is District 9. Wow! Loved it! The other exception(s) are the Resident Evil movies. I LOVE them!!! They are so freaking awesome that I can't even express how much I love them!! Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, but you get my drift. The fifth installment, Resident Evil: Retribution, is coming out soon and I can't wait! I'm not usually a fan of zombie apocalypse-type movies, but these are awesome!
I totally understand if you've lost all respect for me. :)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
If only...
I've often had the "if only I had _____, then I would be happy" daydream. (FYI - it starts as a daydream and quickly becomes a cage.) I realized this Sunday that it's not the conditions of my life that I am unhappy with - it's me. I'm unhappy with me, and therefore, unhappy with my life.
I suppose that's why I hear about people who are thin and attractive or rich and famous, who seem to have it all and still commit suicide (part of this train of thought was influenced by the somewhat recent death of Tony Scott). How does someone who seemly has everything become so depressed that they commit suicide? I'm sure there are various reasons, but I know for some, it's just that they never learned to be happy with themselves.
My realization is also spurred by my trip to San Diego. Part of my purpose was to see if I liked it there enough that it might be some place I want to live after I graduate. I wondered, "can I move to a new town that is unfamiliar to me and be okay?" Well, the answer I received as I was driving home was that it doesn't really matter where I am - it only matters who I am. If I am unhappy with myself here in Salt Lake, I'll be unhappy with myself in San Diego or any other part of the country; location doesn't matter. When my mom asked me if it's some place I'd like to live I thought, sure, but really I can live anywhere. No matter where I am, if I'm happy with myself, then I'm happy with my life - no matter the conditions.
I'm sorry if this seems like another "I hate myself" kind of post, but I don't mean it to sound that way at all. In fact, just the opposite. I feel freer now that I 've recognized this. Because I can't always change my circumstances, but I can always change myself. All my life I've been waiting for the conditions of my life to improve ("if only I had ___"), when really I needed to just improve myself. And by improving myself I mean learning my worth and being comfortable in my own skin. The conditions of life will always come secondary to the conditions within myself and that is something I can do something about!
I suppose that's why I hear about people who are thin and attractive or rich and famous, who seem to have it all and still commit suicide (part of this train of thought was influenced by the somewhat recent death of Tony Scott). How does someone who seemly has everything become so depressed that they commit suicide? I'm sure there are various reasons, but I know for some, it's just that they never learned to be happy with themselves.
My realization is also spurred by my trip to San Diego. Part of my purpose was to see if I liked it there enough that it might be some place I want to live after I graduate. I wondered, "can I move to a new town that is unfamiliar to me and be okay?" Well, the answer I received as I was driving home was that it doesn't really matter where I am - it only matters who I am. If I am unhappy with myself here in Salt Lake, I'll be unhappy with myself in San Diego or any other part of the country; location doesn't matter. When my mom asked me if it's some place I'd like to live I thought, sure, but really I can live anywhere. No matter where I am, if I'm happy with myself, then I'm happy with my life - no matter the conditions.
I'm sorry if this seems like another "I hate myself" kind of post, but I don't mean it to sound that way at all. In fact, just the opposite. I feel freer now that I 've recognized this. Because I can't always change my circumstances, but I can always change myself. All my life I've been waiting for the conditions of my life to improve ("if only I had ___"), when really I needed to just improve myself. And by improving myself I mean learning my worth and being comfortable in my own skin. The conditions of life will always come secondary to the conditions within myself and that is something I can do something about!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
How to be okay with what you're not okay with
This is not a "how to" post and I'm definitely not giving advice...
So I've had this question for quite some time: How do I be okay with what I'm not okay with?
For example - I don't actually enjoy being fat. I'm not okay with it. I probably think about it more often than I care to (or should?) admit. But losing weight takes time, right? So I'm not going to lose weight overnight. Which means I need to "be okay" with being overweight until I lose it.
I hear you asking - why do I need to "be okay" with it? Because it's what I see in the mirror everyday and it's who I am. (Yes, I know it's just what I look like and that what I look like isn't supposed to be who I am, but in a way, it is who I am, because it's defined so much of my life's experiences...) I've had low self-esteem from being dissatisified with myself. Part of that dissatisfaction comes from being overweight. So I'm not okay with it, but it's going to take time to lose the weight. So how do I be okay with that? How do I say it's okay to be overweight while I'm trying to lose weight, when being overweight makes me feel bad about myself? That's like saying it's okay for me to feel bad about myself - which clearly, it isn't.
Does that make any kind of sense? Probably not. But it comes up a lot. Especially now in grad school when I feel overwhelmed and completely incompetent. I'm faced everyday with how I'm lacking and I'm forced to see my weaknesses, which makes me feel insecure and inferior. Add to that the weight issue and it's a perfect recipe for some imminent psychotic disorder, I'm sure.
I guess my point is, though, no one is perfect. We all have flaws and weaknesses and we all make mistakes. How do some people seem to be okay with that? With themselves? I even try to tell myself that I'm a "work in progress" and to be patient, but that doesn't mean much when I don't like what I see in the mirror or when my clothes don't fit right and my discomfort is a constant reminder of how dissastisifed I am with myself.
Any ideas on how to be okay with what you're not okay with?
So I've had this question for quite some time: How do I be okay with what I'm not okay with?
For example - I don't actually enjoy being fat. I'm not okay with it. I probably think about it more often than I care to (or should?) admit. But losing weight takes time, right? So I'm not going to lose weight overnight. Which means I need to "be okay" with being overweight until I lose it.
I hear you asking - why do I need to "be okay" with it? Because it's what I see in the mirror everyday and it's who I am. (Yes, I know it's just what I look like and that what I look like isn't supposed to be who I am, but in a way, it is who I am, because it's defined so much of my life's experiences...) I've had low self-esteem from being dissatisified with myself. Part of that dissatisfaction comes from being overweight. So I'm not okay with it, but it's going to take time to lose the weight. So how do I be okay with that? How do I say it's okay to be overweight while I'm trying to lose weight, when being overweight makes me feel bad about myself? That's like saying it's okay for me to feel bad about myself - which clearly, it isn't.
Does that make any kind of sense? Probably not. But it comes up a lot. Especially now in grad school when I feel overwhelmed and completely incompetent. I'm faced everyday with how I'm lacking and I'm forced to see my weaknesses, which makes me feel insecure and inferior. Add to that the weight issue and it's a perfect recipe for some imminent psychotic disorder, I'm sure.
I guess my point is, though, no one is perfect. We all have flaws and weaknesses and we all make mistakes. How do some people seem to be okay with that? With themselves? I even try to tell myself that I'm a "work in progress" and to be patient, but that doesn't mean much when I don't like what I see in the mirror or when my clothes don't fit right and my discomfort is a constant reminder of how dissastisifed I am with myself.
Any ideas on how to be okay with what you're not okay with?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
San Diego
I had a great time in San Diego! It was definitely the break I needed! I had a couple of things in mind to do, but not really anything I HAD to do, so I could take it easy and just wake up and decide what I was in the mood for. That's a vacation. Although it was the hottest/humidest two weeks of the summer in San Diego, it was bearable.
I went to 3 different beaches, Coronado, Mission, and Carlsbad and they were all amazing. I know I've been to beaches on both coasts, but I was very young and don't remember them in great detail. It was strange, then, that the sounds and smells were very familiar, the water, the washed up kelp, the breeze, the hot sand, etc. I didn't know that the air in the morning is foggy and thick, but then the sun comes up and burns off the fog and when the mist clears the sun is hot. The breeze coming off the ocean cools your skin and feels refreshing. It was wonderful. I went to Old Town, with the Mormon Battalion Museum (much cooler than I thought it would be) and the Gaslamp District - both were fun to walk around and see the various shops and restaurants. I especially enjoyed my dessert at Ghirardelli downtown. I also went to Balboa Park which has a lot of museums and cultural sights.
I also went to the San Diego Temple, which I've never been to before and it was amazing! Because it was mid-week and the middle of the day it wasn't busy so I got to walk around and see everything, as well as chat with some of the Temple workers and get some "insights" - so it was a great experience.
I spent the rest of my time attending a YSA-MSA conference which I don't have time to go into. I'll just say that I felt way to old to be there, but my host T. and her friends, who are all my age, made it much more fun! They were great and I enjoyed getting to know them. I appreciate that they were able to accept me into their "inner circle" so quickly - a testament to their ability to accept even the weirdest of people - i.e., me.
I have never driven by myself that far and it was fun. Okay, it was long too - about a 12 hour drive, but overall, I actually enjoyed it. I realized that I really can get around on my own, but my phone's GPS was a lifesaver!! Although being the son of a map lover, I miss the days where if you wanted to get somewhere you'd pull out a map and note which route to follow to get there. I suppose I still could have done that, but the GPS was much faster!
I'll be uploading some photos when I'm done editing them.
I went to 3 different beaches, Coronado, Mission, and Carlsbad and they were all amazing. I know I've been to beaches on both coasts, but I was very young and don't remember them in great detail. It was strange, then, that the sounds and smells were very familiar, the water, the washed up kelp, the breeze, the hot sand, etc. I didn't know that the air in the morning is foggy and thick, but then the sun comes up and burns off the fog and when the mist clears the sun is hot. The breeze coming off the ocean cools your skin and feels refreshing. It was wonderful. I went to Old Town, with the Mormon Battalion Museum (much cooler than I thought it would be) and the Gaslamp District - both were fun to walk around and see the various shops and restaurants. I especially enjoyed my dessert at Ghirardelli downtown. I also went to Balboa Park which has a lot of museums and cultural sights.
I also went to the San Diego Temple, which I've never been to before and it was amazing! Because it was mid-week and the middle of the day it wasn't busy so I got to walk around and see everything, as well as chat with some of the Temple workers and get some "insights" - so it was a great experience.
I spent the rest of my time attending a YSA-MSA conference which I don't have time to go into. I'll just say that I felt way to old to be there, but my host T. and her friends, who are all my age, made it much more fun! They were great and I enjoyed getting to know them. I appreciate that they were able to accept me into their "inner circle" so quickly - a testament to their ability to accept even the weirdest of people - i.e., me.
I have never driven by myself that far and it was fun. Okay, it was long too - about a 12 hour drive, but overall, I actually enjoyed it. I realized that I really can get around on my own, but my phone's GPS was a lifesaver!! Although being the son of a map lover, I miss the days where if you wanted to get somewhere you'd pull out a map and note which route to follow to get there. I suppose I still could have done that, but the GPS was much faster!
I'll be uploading some photos when I'm done editing them.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Doppelganger Fish
How do fish tell each other apart? You're in a school of fish, let's say Tuna, and you're all silver scaled with fins in all the same places. How do you tell everyone apart? I'm sure the fish know each other part, but my completely random point is this: I feel like I'm in a school of fish here in this San Diego YSA conference, but I don't know if it's my school because everyone I saw looked like someone I knew. Is that weird? Seriously though, it was surreal. Every person I saw, I felt like I had seen before. But that is impossible because I don't think 400-500 people would be stalking me. Just weird.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Stewart Falls
Look! There are fun things in my life too!! :)
These were taken up at Stewart Falls - not far from Sundance.
These were taken up at Stewart Falls - not far from Sundance.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Fear: A study in black and white (part three)
I realize I have a tendency to ramble, so let's hope this "part three" is the final post in this (now) series of posts...
The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?
Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?
I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?
I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).
I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.
According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."
What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.
But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.
The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.
No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]
My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.
Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!
The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?
Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?
I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?
I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).
I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.
According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."
What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.
But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.
The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.
No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]
My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.
Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Fear: A study in black and white (part two)
Just to recap - the gist of my last post was basically that I am afraid of my own thoughts, especially, the thoughts (fears) I project onto others. Which makes me feel like I'm afraid of everything, but in reality I'm afraid of nothing (I know thoughts aren't "nothing," but I'm trying to capture the fleeting and changing nature of thoughts, implying a lack of a "foundation," i.e., so fleeting it feels like nothing).
I've tried to find and examine some of the underlying beliefs that feed into these thoughts and, consequently, my fears, so that I can do something about them. Some of the beliefs I've identified are these:
But seeing these beliefs, which now exist orthographically, I realize why happiness and self-esteem have been so elusive - with these kind of thoughts, I'm defeated before I begin!
Which leads me to the black and white.
These faulty core beliefs, or FCB's for short, have no gray area. Based on these beliefs I have to be one way or another, there is no middle ground and there is no allowance for the PROCESS of learning. That is, trying, failing, practicing, succeeding, etc. It's like saying if I'm gonna play football then I have to pick up a football and throw the ball perfectly, every single time, from the first pass to the last. How realistic is that? Not at all!! Athletes spend their entire careers trying to improve. Nobody was perfect the first time they did something; there's always a learning curve. But I expect myself to be perfect, because according to my FCB's either I am perfect at something or I'm a failure. (I must be like the therapists version of a "golden" investigator!)
I'm afraid of looking stupid, or being seen as stupid because it's proves that I'm not good enough (FCB #1 and #5). So I avoid life. I keep myself safe. Safety is a big deal. It's amazing what misery and disfunction I'll put up with in order to maintain safety. I think I've developed all the problems in my life as a way of keeping myself safe. But safe from what? What is the danger that is so terrifying that I'm willing to discount my very existence to avoid it? Nothing. Even now, I can't come up with anything. How can I be so afraid of something that I can't even idenfity, let alone define?
While the "great fear" remains elusive, in the meantime, I still have to acknowledge that regardless of what I'm afraid of, these FCB's are what's preventing me from really being the man I want to be and they have to change. I have to change them. That thought is terrifying. My FCB's fight me every step of the way: what if I try to change, but fail (FCB #4 and #3)? What if I'm not really worth changing (FCB #1 and #2)? And the cycle continues.
Can anything break that cycle? YES!! I don't know what people of other faiths hold on to in times like these. I am grateful for the Gospel, however limited I am in my understanding of it, because it gives me the tools that I know will break this cycle. There are many tools, but I think the two most powerful tools in this instance are Faith and Agency. There's a reason faith is the foundation of our belief system. I must have faith that my FCB's are just that, faulty. I must have faith that if the fruit of these thoughts is misery that they can not be from a loving Heavenly Father. These beliefs are not what he would chose for me to believe about myself, but he can't choose for me. Leading to the next tool - agency. He can't force me to choose a belief system, but he allows me to choose. That's what agency is. The freedom to make choices. He has given me the power to change. Perhaps even more than just the power, along with agency, he's actually given me the responsibility to choose for myself.
It's quite the double edged sword. I am able to choose happiness; but that also means whatever misery exists in my life, is of my choosing. If I feel like a victim, it's only because I have victimized myself. I chose to belief such horrible things about myself. And now I can choose to change them. It's like a roller-coaster ride: thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.
You know, as I've been typing I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm really afraid of is being wrong and being useless. I certainly think that a fear of being wrong is due to pride, but in my case I think that's over-simplifying. I think being wrong represents some pride and also FCB's #1, #3, and #5. In any case, all 5 FCB's are just various aspects of being wrong and/or useless. If I've been a member of the church my whole life and had the gospel the whole time; and if everything about the gospel says that I am important and needed; how did I develop such wrong beliefs? Misperception of how and why other's treated me the way they did (even those, or perhaps especially those, of my own family) and misunderstanding other gospel principles, such a the true nature of humility, which I thought meant that I needed to discount myself and put myself last.
Here I am at the end of this blog post and I still haven't fully expressed the implication of black and white thinking in my life... I suppose that means a part three will follow at some point!
I apologize if all of this is too personal, but the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I'm not alone and that, maybe to some degree, we are afraid of sharing these things; maybe we think that we are the only ones or that others will think we are crazy. I guess this blog is one way to face and to fight my fears, so thanks for letting me share this. And if it helps you, just know that you are not alone.
I've tried to find and examine some of the underlying beliefs that feed into these thoughts and, consequently, my fears, so that I can do something about them. Some of the beliefs I've identified are these:
- I'm not good enough / I don't measure up
- I don't deserve to be happy / I deserve to be miserable
- I'll never amount to anything / I'm not important
- I'll fail (even I succeed for a moment), or something bad will happen to prevent me from succeeding
- I'm not capable
But seeing these beliefs, which now exist orthographically, I realize why happiness and self-esteem have been so elusive - with these kind of thoughts, I'm defeated before I begin!
Which leads me to the black and white.
These faulty core beliefs, or FCB's for short, have no gray area. Based on these beliefs I have to be one way or another, there is no middle ground and there is no allowance for the PROCESS of learning. That is, trying, failing, practicing, succeeding, etc. It's like saying if I'm gonna play football then I have to pick up a football and throw the ball perfectly, every single time, from the first pass to the last. How realistic is that? Not at all!! Athletes spend their entire careers trying to improve. Nobody was perfect the first time they did something; there's always a learning curve. But I expect myself to be perfect, because according to my FCB's either I am perfect at something or I'm a failure. (I must be like the therapists version of a "golden" investigator!)
I'm afraid of looking stupid, or being seen as stupid because it's proves that I'm not good enough (FCB #1 and #5). So I avoid life. I keep myself safe. Safety is a big deal. It's amazing what misery and disfunction I'll put up with in order to maintain safety. I think I've developed all the problems in my life as a way of keeping myself safe. But safe from what? What is the danger that is so terrifying that I'm willing to discount my very existence to avoid it? Nothing. Even now, I can't come up with anything. How can I be so afraid of something that I can't even idenfity, let alone define?
While the "great fear" remains elusive, in the meantime, I still have to acknowledge that regardless of what I'm afraid of, these FCB's are what's preventing me from really being the man I want to be and they have to change. I have to change them. That thought is terrifying. My FCB's fight me every step of the way: what if I try to change, but fail (FCB #4 and #3)? What if I'm not really worth changing (FCB #1 and #2)? And the cycle continues.
Can anything break that cycle? YES!! I don't know what people of other faiths hold on to in times like these. I am grateful for the Gospel, however limited I am in my understanding of it, because it gives me the tools that I know will break this cycle. There are many tools, but I think the two most powerful tools in this instance are Faith and Agency. There's a reason faith is the foundation of our belief system. I must have faith that my FCB's are just that, faulty. I must have faith that if the fruit of these thoughts is misery that they can not be from a loving Heavenly Father. These beliefs are not what he would chose for me to believe about myself, but he can't choose for me. Leading to the next tool - agency. He can't force me to choose a belief system, but he allows me to choose. That's what agency is. The freedom to make choices. He has given me the power to change. Perhaps even more than just the power, along with agency, he's actually given me the responsibility to choose for myself.
It's quite the double edged sword. I am able to choose happiness; but that also means whatever misery exists in my life, is of my choosing. If I feel like a victim, it's only because I have victimized myself. I chose to belief such horrible things about myself. And now I can choose to change them. It's like a roller-coaster ride: thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.
You know, as I've been typing I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm really afraid of is being wrong and being useless. I certainly think that a fear of being wrong is due to pride, but in my case I think that's over-simplifying. I think being wrong represents some pride and also FCB's #1, #3, and #5. In any case, all 5 FCB's are just various aspects of being wrong and/or useless. If I've been a member of the church my whole life and had the gospel the whole time; and if everything about the gospel says that I am important and needed; how did I develop such wrong beliefs? Misperception of how and why other's treated me the way they did (even those, or perhaps especially those, of my own family) and misunderstanding other gospel principles, such a the true nature of humility, which I thought meant that I needed to discount myself and put myself last.
Here I am at the end of this blog post and I still haven't fully expressed the implication of black and white thinking in my life... I suppose that means a part three will follow at some point!
I apologize if all of this is too personal, but the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I'm not alone and that, maybe to some degree, we are afraid of sharing these things; maybe we think that we are the only ones or that others will think we are crazy. I guess this blog is one way to face and to fight my fears, so thanks for letting me share this. And if it helps you, just know that you are not alone.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Fear: A study in black and white (part one)
A typical morning:
I wake up suddenly. My heart begins to race. Panicky, I ask myself, "what day is it? What time is it? Am I late for something? What do I have going on today? School? Work? Clients?" These questions race through my mind and once I answer them, I realize that I haven't been breathing, so I take a deep breath. I feel my heart pounding and I'm not sure what I'm so anxious about...
That's just a small sample of what it's like to wake up afraid; I suppose I mean that's a sample of what it's like to live afraid, because it's not unsual for these feelings to recurr throughout the day in any number of circumstances.
One question I have been pondering for weeks, if not months, is "what am I afraid of?" What fears are so prevalent in my life that they are with me from the instant I wake up each day?
Then it occurred to me, the reason I've been asking this question for months and not coming up with an answer is becuase what I'm afriad of is - everything and nothing. How do I explain?
One of my biggest fears is that I am afraid of what other people may think about me. So, essentially, I'm afraid of other people's thoughts. That's ridiculous. I know - even as I type this I see how illogical it is to be afraid of what other people are thinking, and yet, the fear I experience is absolutely real - just ask my racing thoughts and beating heart... that has to come from somewhere, right? There's another flaw in this line of thinking - how do I know what other people are thinking? A-HA! That's the key - I DON'T know what other people are thinking - I can't possibly know what other people are thinking. So in reality, my fear is only what I THINK other people are thinking. When I think other people are condemning me, that's coming from within me. When I think other people are looking at me and looking down on me because of my weight, or anything else, that's coming from within me.
Now, to be fair to myself, I WAS actually made fun of quite a lot when I was a child - so there IS a foundation from my own experience in this fear; kids are a lot more vocal about what they're thinking. So I think a part of me has just assumed that whatever it is in other people that makes them want to make fun of me, never really went away, it just went "non-verbal," i.e., stays within their thoughts. Okay, let's assume that's true. Let's say my fears are founded and people really are thinking poorly of me, judging me, condemning me, etc. Why should that make me afraid?
The answer is - disapproval eats right to the center of my deepest fear which is that I'm not good enough; that I don't "measure" up; that I'm inadequate; that I am worthless. When I disappoint someone by not being perfect, when I sense that someone is judging me for my weight/appearance, etc., these things CONFIRM my fear of being inadequate. So that every day, at every turn, I'm afraid that my worthlessness will be confirmed. No wonder I wake up afraid! No wonder I go through life exepcting to fail! No wonder I go through life feeling sorry for myself (this is the fear/self-pity connection). I feel sorry for myself because I expect people will confirm what I fear or what I already believe. Therein lies the problem. I believe it. I'M the one who believes I'm worthless and inadequate. Those fears that I'm projecting on to others (as if I could somehow psychicly channel other people's thoughts) are really coming from within myself.
I've been pausing here for the last 10 minutes after writing the previous paragraph, letting it sink in. And I'm laughing to myself because all I can think if is a line from one of my favorite movies, How Do You Know?. It's Jack Nicholson's character and he says emphatically to his son, "You are a f***ing moron!" (Okay, I know that's not appropriate, but you're just going to have to trust me that it's hilarious the way he does it!)
But's that's how I feel right now - that I'm an "effing" moron!! It's like someone being afraid of bubble gum - it makes no sense! Why am I SO afraid of other people's condemnation?! I guess it's because I've never really known my own worth. I never really believed that I am important. Since I didn't believe in myself, I learned to put more stock on other people's opinion's over my own. I've basically left it up to other people to decide my worth, but the problem is, as I've already stated, I can't really know what people are thinking, so it's really just my own inadequacies I see "reflected" from others.
Sorry this post is so long... I haven't even gotten to the black and white part yet. That will have to wait for another day; introspection takes its toll and I'm kind of burned out at the moment...
Does any of this make sense, or should I be on medication? :)
I wake up suddenly. My heart begins to race. Panicky, I ask myself, "what day is it? What time is it? Am I late for something? What do I have going on today? School? Work? Clients?" These questions race through my mind and once I answer them, I realize that I haven't been breathing, so I take a deep breath. I feel my heart pounding and I'm not sure what I'm so anxious about...
That's just a small sample of what it's like to wake up afraid; I suppose I mean that's a sample of what it's like to live afraid, because it's not unsual for these feelings to recurr throughout the day in any number of circumstances.
One question I have been pondering for weeks, if not months, is "what am I afraid of?" What fears are so prevalent in my life that they are with me from the instant I wake up each day?
Then it occurred to me, the reason I've been asking this question for months and not coming up with an answer is becuase what I'm afriad of is - everything and nothing. How do I explain?
One of my biggest fears is that I am afraid of what other people may think about me. So, essentially, I'm afraid of other people's thoughts. That's ridiculous. I know - even as I type this I see how illogical it is to be afraid of what other people are thinking, and yet, the fear I experience is absolutely real - just ask my racing thoughts and beating heart... that has to come from somewhere, right? There's another flaw in this line of thinking - how do I know what other people are thinking? A-HA! That's the key - I DON'T know what other people are thinking - I can't possibly know what other people are thinking. So in reality, my fear is only what I THINK other people are thinking. When I think other people are condemning me, that's coming from within me. When I think other people are looking at me and looking down on me because of my weight, or anything else, that's coming from within me.
Now, to be fair to myself, I WAS actually made fun of quite a lot when I was a child - so there IS a foundation from my own experience in this fear; kids are a lot more vocal about what they're thinking. So I think a part of me has just assumed that whatever it is in other people that makes them want to make fun of me, never really went away, it just went "non-verbal," i.e., stays within their thoughts. Okay, let's assume that's true. Let's say my fears are founded and people really are thinking poorly of me, judging me, condemning me, etc. Why should that make me afraid?
The answer is - disapproval eats right to the center of my deepest fear which is that I'm not good enough; that I don't "measure" up; that I'm inadequate; that I am worthless. When I disappoint someone by not being perfect, when I sense that someone is judging me for my weight/appearance, etc., these things CONFIRM my fear of being inadequate. So that every day, at every turn, I'm afraid that my worthlessness will be confirmed. No wonder I wake up afraid! No wonder I go through life exepcting to fail! No wonder I go through life feeling sorry for myself (this is the fear/self-pity connection). I feel sorry for myself because I expect people will confirm what I fear or what I already believe. Therein lies the problem. I believe it. I'M the one who believes I'm worthless and inadequate. Those fears that I'm projecting on to others (as if I could somehow psychicly channel other people's thoughts) are really coming from within myself.
I've been pausing here for the last 10 minutes after writing the previous paragraph, letting it sink in. And I'm laughing to myself because all I can think if is a line from one of my favorite movies, How Do You Know?. It's Jack Nicholson's character and he says emphatically to his son, "You are a f***ing moron!" (Okay, I know that's not appropriate, but you're just going to have to trust me that it's hilarious the way he does it!)
But's that's how I feel right now - that I'm an "effing" moron!! It's like someone being afraid of bubble gum - it makes no sense! Why am I SO afraid of other people's condemnation?! I guess it's because I've never really known my own worth. I never really believed that I am important. Since I didn't believe in myself, I learned to put more stock on other people's opinion's over my own. I've basically left it up to other people to decide my worth, but the problem is, as I've already stated, I can't really know what people are thinking, so it's really just my own inadequacies I see "reflected" from others.
Sorry this post is so long... I haven't even gotten to the black and white part yet. That will have to wait for another day; introspection takes its toll and I'm kind of burned out at the moment...
Does any of this make sense, or should I be on medication? :)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Weird progress
So, I looked in the mirror today and it took me a second to realize it was me (long story - don't ask).
BUT - at the moment I "recognized" myself, this is literally and verbatim the thought I had:
"Hmph, I'm not ugly."
Progress!!
BUT - at the moment I "recognized" myself, this is literally and verbatim the thought I had:
"Hmph, I'm not ugly."
Progress!!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Self-pity teaser
Did you know that fear and self-pity are related? Not even, like, distant, distant cousins or anything; they are like siblings!
I think I may have quite a bit to write about self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself because you know what they say, "if you're going to write, write about what you know."
Fear and self-pity are a bad combination - a TKO if you will and when I have time to stop being afraid of all the reports I have to write for school/clinic and feeling sorry for myself for having to write them, I'll blog my thoughts on the subject.
Laugh if you get this: "I threw a pity party, but no one came."
I think I may have quite a bit to write about self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself because you know what they say, "if you're going to write, write about what you know."
Fear and self-pity are a bad combination - a TKO if you will and when I have time to stop being afraid of all the reports I have to write for school/clinic and feeling sorry for myself for having to write them, I'll blog my thoughts on the subject.
Laugh if you get this: "I threw a pity party, but no one came."
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Things I've learned
So I complain a lot about grad school.
A lot.
Today, someone asked me how school was and I replied with the first thing that came into my mind: "I'm learning more about myself from grad school than my actual field of study."
I realized as soon as I said it that it was true. I have learned a bunch about different speech/language disorders, but I've learned even more about myself. Things I never knew I needed or wanted to learn.
I've learned that I am afraid of everything - success and failure; I allow my fears to guide thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.
That's about all I got for now...
...more on this later though...
A lot.
Today, someone asked me how school was and I replied with the first thing that came into my mind: "I'm learning more about myself from grad school than my actual field of study."
I realized as soon as I said it that it was true. I have learned a bunch about different speech/language disorders, but I've learned even more about myself. Things I never knew I needed or wanted to learn.
I've learned that I am afraid of everything - success and failure; I allow my fears to guide thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.
That's about all I got for now...
...more on this later though...
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Infinity
Infinity is a difficult concept for me to understand. Infinite. Never ending.
I was struck several months ago at something someone said in a talk at church. It wasn't even the main part of their talk; it was practically just said in passing, but it struck a chord with me. They were talking about how Heavenly Father is infinite and all that he possesses is infinite - then they said, "...He has infinite attention."
I suddenly thought of all the prayers I had prayed where I approached Heavenly Father as if I were bothering him; as if I were intruding; or as if I were taking him away from more important things going on in the world, etc. After all, why would he have time for my petty problems compared to the turmoil going on in various parts of the world?
But then to hear the he has infinite attention; I suddenly realized that I was projecting all of my own insecurities on him. I approached him as if I weren't worth his time, because I felt I had no worth. I approached him apologetically for bothering him, because I didn't believe I was worth bothering about. And so on and so on...
Yes, there is turmoil in the world. Yes, some people are going through trials and challenges that are "more important" than mine. How can he have time for me? Because he is infinite. And he has infinite attention. Which means he has infinite attention for me. That changed the nature of my prayers and how I approach him. It also changed how I see myself - at least, it showed me how I have been seeing myself and how I need to change that.
I still don't really understand infinity, but I understand that my father in heaven loves me and has time for me because I am important to him - infinitely important...
I was struck several months ago at something someone said in a talk at church. It wasn't even the main part of their talk; it was practically just said in passing, but it struck a chord with me. They were talking about how Heavenly Father is infinite and all that he possesses is infinite - then they said, "...He has infinite attention."
I suddenly thought of all the prayers I had prayed where I approached Heavenly Father as if I were bothering him; as if I were intruding; or as if I were taking him away from more important things going on in the world, etc. After all, why would he have time for my petty problems compared to the turmoil going on in various parts of the world?
But then to hear the he has infinite attention; I suddenly realized that I was projecting all of my own insecurities on him. I approached him as if I weren't worth his time, because I felt I had no worth. I approached him apologetically for bothering him, because I didn't believe I was worth bothering about. And so on and so on...
Yes, there is turmoil in the world. Yes, some people are going through trials and challenges that are "more important" than mine. How can he have time for me? Because he is infinite. And he has infinite attention. Which means he has infinite attention for me. That changed the nature of my prayers and how I approach him. It also changed how I see myself - at least, it showed me how I have been seeing myself and how I need to change that.
I still don't really understand infinity, but I understand that my father in heaven loves me and has time for me because I am important to him - infinitely important...
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Personal Best!
I've been trying to walk more over the last couple weeks since the weather here has been awesome! Last week I walked 19 (continuous) miles in one day! I was so sore, but it was worth it. I loved being outside - the sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot; it was just perfect! I was able to see some things I had always wanted to see and since I love exploring, that was just as much fun as anything. Not sure if my school/clinic schedule will let me keep doing that, but I'm going to keep walking as often as I can this summer!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Summer semester
So, I've started back up again with school and I really kinda hate being in school during the summer, however, I think it would be worse to take the summer off. I feel like it would really disrupt the flow and I also think I would lose a lot of momentum that the last couple of really intense semesters built up. And, it's only one summer and I never have to go back to school again if I don't want to, right? So I can tough it out. Actually, it a shorter semester, so that really does help a little bit too.
I am enjoying having long hair, although, I have to admit, I don't love it first thing in the morning when it's flying about my head like I've been electrocuted all night long, but that's what conditioner is for! Yesterday in class it was bugging me, so I put it in a ponytail. This is the first time I've actually worn my hair in a ponytail in public. It grows in layers, so I had to bobbypin a few loose strands, but that's the advantage to being in a program with so many girls, never too far from a bobbypin!
There's a chance I may have to cut it though. I am in the process of trying to set up some externships for next Spring, which will be our last semester, and I keep getting rejected. It was suggested to me that perhaps my hair is part of the reason. I hope not; I mean I keep it clean and styled, so it's not like I look like I'm homeless (no offense to the homeless!!). But we do live in a conservative state and it's possible that it could be a deterrent. I haven't really decided what to do, but I am leaning toward cutting it. That would make me sad, but it's not worth the possibility of not getting an externship either.
Oh wow! As I'm typing this I just realized why I would be sad to cut my hair. So I've been working on losing weight and it's not been going very well. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping to lose more weight so that when I do cut my hair it would feel more significant, like having a biggest loser makeover or something. Cutting my hair now, while I'm overweight, feels like I'm having to let that dream go. Maybe it was a dumb idea anyway. I probably would get more out of life just liking myself the way I am rather than always thinking I have to look a certain way to be happy. It's true, "looking a certain" way would bring a measure of happiness, but it wouldn't be lasting or secure. I do know people who changed their appearance, but never changed their mindset and the change of appearance didn't last, or at least, didn't last very long - because it didn't actually change how they thought or what they thought of themselves.
I know true happiness should come from the inside out, but it's hard to remember when so many really attractive people seem so happy... It makes me wonder, are they attractive because they are happy with themselves, or are they happy with themselves because they know they are attractive? I am such a black and white thinker - does it have to be one way or the other? Is it possible that maybe it's okay to have a little of both? What do you think, blog readers?
I am enjoying having long hair, although, I have to admit, I don't love it first thing in the morning when it's flying about my head like I've been electrocuted all night long, but that's what conditioner is for! Yesterday in class it was bugging me, so I put it in a ponytail. This is the first time I've actually worn my hair in a ponytail in public. It grows in layers, so I had to bobbypin a few loose strands, but that's the advantage to being in a program with so many girls, never too far from a bobbypin!
There's a chance I may have to cut it though. I am in the process of trying to set up some externships for next Spring, which will be our last semester, and I keep getting rejected. It was suggested to me that perhaps my hair is part of the reason. I hope not; I mean I keep it clean and styled, so it's not like I look like I'm homeless (no offense to the homeless!!). But we do live in a conservative state and it's possible that it could be a deterrent. I haven't really decided what to do, but I am leaning toward cutting it. That would make me sad, but it's not worth the possibility of not getting an externship either.
Oh wow! As I'm typing this I just realized why I would be sad to cut my hair. So I've been working on losing weight and it's not been going very well. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping to lose more weight so that when I do cut my hair it would feel more significant, like having a biggest loser makeover or something. Cutting my hair now, while I'm overweight, feels like I'm having to let that dream go. Maybe it was a dumb idea anyway. I probably would get more out of life just liking myself the way I am rather than always thinking I have to look a certain way to be happy. It's true, "looking a certain" way would bring a measure of happiness, but it wouldn't be lasting or secure. I do know people who changed their appearance, but never changed their mindset and the change of appearance didn't last, or at least, didn't last very long - because it didn't actually change how they thought or what they thought of themselves.
I know true happiness should come from the inside out, but it's hard to remember when so many really attractive people seem so happy... It makes me wonder, are they attractive because they are happy with themselves, or are they happy with themselves because they know they are attractive? I am such a black and white thinker - does it have to be one way or the other? Is it possible that maybe it's okay to have a little of both? What do you think, blog readers?
Monday, April 23, 2012
Quick update
There are two weeks of the semester left. This is the last week of class and next week are finals. We finished up clients last week and are doing final paperwork this week. We are in the home stretch and I feel anxious to be done with this semester!! Summer should be interesting. I'm not excited to be in school during the summer, but I am anxious to get through the program. I have Summer and Fall with classes and clients and then my final semester is Externships and one class. So, I have just one year left and I expect it's going to go pretty quickly now.
I have to apply now for externships, which I've done, but I have no idea how that's going to work out. Basically, we sign up for school credit, which means we have to pay tuition, and then get we the privilege of working for someone for 10 weeks with no time off or breaks. Sounds like fun right? The tradeoff is that we actually get work experience and all of the 2nd years I've talked to have enjoyed the experience. They all say it's worth it. I am looking forward to getting to that point!
Thanks for all the support everyone. I know I haven't been around much and I haven't been involved in the get-togethers and parties and such. It's been hard to find time to stay connected with people, but I appreciate all the encouragement! It keeps me going and I really need it right now!!
Two weeks to grad school "bump-day!"
I have to apply now for externships, which I've done, but I have no idea how that's going to work out. Basically, we sign up for school credit, which means we have to pay tuition, and then get we the privilege of working for someone for 10 weeks with no time off or breaks. Sounds like fun right? The tradeoff is that we actually get work experience and all of the 2nd years I've talked to have enjoyed the experience. They all say it's worth it. I am looking forward to getting to that point!
Thanks for all the support everyone. I know I haven't been around much and I haven't been involved in the get-togethers and parties and such. It's been hard to find time to stay connected with people, but I appreciate all the encouragement! It keeps me going and I really need it right now!!
Two weeks to grad school "bump-day!"
Monday, April 16, 2012
Panic Attack
Never had one... until now! So, I haven't been sleeping well and consequently not feeling well and consequently not making the best eating choices and consequently not feeling well and consequently not sleeping well... vicious cycle, yada, yada, yada.
The other morning (2am? 3am?, I forget...), I'm laying in bed and I stretch and yawn... and then my heart starts defibrillating... okay, maybe that's not the right word, but seriously, my heart was racing and beating totally irregularly and I thought "if I move or do anything to exert myself in any degree I'm going to die!"
BAM!
Panic Attack!
It may have only lasted 30-60 seconds, but it felt longer. And it was terrifying. I knew immediately why - pressure from school. I have been so overwhelmed this semester that I think I have been suppressing how much it's actually affecting me. The previous years students all say that this is probably the worst semester and it gets better, but dang! I don't want to live like this ever!!
There's another component though that I haven't mentioned. My self-esteem took a hit recently and I think that was enough to put me over the edge. Not that the "hit" was anything new or substantial in and of itself, but I think what it did is knock the block off all the work I've done trying to be more positive and brought up a whole host of old beliefs that I thought I had dealt with. Just when I thought I was making such good progress - Surprise! There they are, lurking under the surface, ready to pull me back down into the sledge of "not good enough;" the slime of "worthless;" the tar of "fat and ugly."
If adding "overwhelming workload" to "destined to fail" isn't a perfect recipe for a heart attack - I don't know what is. So, bad timing, I guess, is what this all amounts to.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Even some who will call me out on my s*** (pardon my asterisks!)!! But it's true. I had a good reminder that these old thought patterns are a choice I make. If I choose to believe them, then yes, they are true - but only because I CHOOSE to believe them. And where is it written that I have to believe them? If it's a choice to believe negative things, isn't just as a much a choice to believe positive things? It's strange, but I think old beliefs are hard to overcome because 1) it's what we know (and sometimes all we know) and 2) what we've lived with all our lives becomes comfortable - like becoming desensitized to something painful... we live with it for so long that we come to think of it as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not healthy.
My panic attack came on because I chose to believe that I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't handle the workload, or that I wasn't worth it, not because of the workload itself. How grateful I am for this realization!! The fact that I see these connections means I am separated enough from it that I know I can be different and that I can continue to remove those old negative beliefs. I know I am fighting a brain that's been hardwired (which is why I think those old beliefs are still "in there"), but I also know that I can consciously choose to REWIRE my brain. I know it will take consistent and conscientious effort, but it can be done!!
(Which makes me wonder, does anyone know how long it takes to rewire a brain?)
The other morning (2am? 3am?, I forget...), I'm laying in bed and I stretch and yawn... and then my heart starts defibrillating... okay, maybe that's not the right word, but seriously, my heart was racing and beating totally irregularly and I thought "if I move or do anything to exert myself in any degree I'm going to die!"
BAM!
Panic Attack!
It may have only lasted 30-60 seconds, but it felt longer. And it was terrifying. I knew immediately why - pressure from school. I have been so overwhelmed this semester that I think I have been suppressing how much it's actually affecting me. The previous years students all say that this is probably the worst semester and it gets better, but dang! I don't want to live like this ever!!
There's another component though that I haven't mentioned. My self-esteem took a hit recently and I think that was enough to put me over the edge. Not that the "hit" was anything new or substantial in and of itself, but I think what it did is knock the block off all the work I've done trying to be more positive and brought up a whole host of old beliefs that I thought I had dealt with. Just when I thought I was making such good progress - Surprise! There they are, lurking under the surface, ready to pull me back down into the sledge of "not good enough;" the slime of "worthless;" the tar of "fat and ugly."
If adding "overwhelming workload" to "destined to fail" isn't a perfect recipe for a heart attack - I don't know what is. So, bad timing, I guess, is what this all amounts to.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Even some who will call me out on my s*** (pardon my asterisks!)!! But it's true. I had a good reminder that these old thought patterns are a choice I make. If I choose to believe them, then yes, they are true - but only because I CHOOSE to believe them. And where is it written that I have to believe them? If it's a choice to believe negative things, isn't just as a much a choice to believe positive things? It's strange, but I think old beliefs are hard to overcome because 1) it's what we know (and sometimes all we know) and 2) what we've lived with all our lives becomes comfortable - like becoming desensitized to something painful... we live with it for so long that we come to think of it as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not healthy.
My panic attack came on because I chose to believe that I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't handle the workload, or that I wasn't worth it, not because of the workload itself. How grateful I am for this realization!! The fact that I see these connections means I am separated enough from it that I know I can be different and that I can continue to remove those old negative beliefs. I know I am fighting a brain that's been hardwired (which is why I think those old beliefs are still "in there"), but I also know that I can consciously choose to REWIRE my brain. I know it will take consistent and conscientious effort, but it can be done!!
(Which makes me wonder, does anyone know how long it takes to rewire a brain?)
Friday, April 6, 2012
Jazz fan
So, I decided to go to a Jazz game with some friends of mine from "the program." It was the Jazz versus the Pheonix Suns and it was off the heezy!! I don't know how else to say it - what a great game! Literally, the final score was decided by milliseconds, which could have put the game in overtime, but it wasn't meant to be and the Jazz lost 105 to 107 - heartbreaking, but the Sun's really needed it! My friend is a Suns fan (which is putting it mildly) and he told me I had to decide by half-time what my team was going to be. It was tough, Steve Nash was awesome and the Suns were good, but I thought the Jazz were playing better as a team, however, they were also "fouling" all over the place, which was giving the Sun's some points...
I was torn.
But then something happened to change all that...
...so now it's official...
I was torn.
But then something happened to change all that...
...so now it's official...
I'm a Jazz fan!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Stuff
I didn't even realize Easter is this weekend. I am literally taking things one day at a time. I can't remember the last time I felt this overwhlemed. I know there's only a few weeks left and I know I can get through it, but it's seriously one of the hardest semester's I've had.
One of the complicating factors is feeling like I haven't done anything to help my clients this semester. I'm sure I probably have and yes, seeing results from some therapy takes awhile, but I still feel a little bit useless. I am trying to remind myself that I am just a student and should not hold myself to a higher standard - but I do. I want to help these people and I guess I take it a little too personally. I have to remember that I am only one part of the process - they are the other and I can only do so much. It was one of the reasons I wanted to be an SLP in the first place, I just didn't realize how hard it would be for me NOT to hold myself completely responsible for their progress.
With Summer I'll be halfway through the program - crazy. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to end up. I do know that I'll be happy, but I would also love to have some more certainty about HOW things are going to work out. Oh well. Add it to the list of things I need to learn from Grad School...
p.s. GenCon 182 was great! I only fell asleep a couple of times - which for me is really, really good!! There were definitely some messages I needed to hear - I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's and Elder Nelson's talks.
One of the complicating factors is feeling like I haven't done anything to help my clients this semester. I'm sure I probably have and yes, seeing results from some therapy takes awhile, but I still feel a little bit useless. I am trying to remind myself that I am just a student and should not hold myself to a higher standard - but I do. I want to help these people and I guess I take it a little too personally. I have to remember that I am only one part of the process - they are the other and I can only do so much. It was one of the reasons I wanted to be an SLP in the first place, I just didn't realize how hard it would be for me NOT to hold myself completely responsible for their progress.
With Summer I'll be halfway through the program - crazy. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to end up. I do know that I'll be happy, but I would also love to have some more certainty about HOW things are going to work out. Oh well. Add it to the list of things I need to learn from Grad School...
p.s. GenCon 182 was great! I only fell asleep a couple of times - which for me is really, really good!! There were definitely some messages I needed to hear - I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's and Elder Nelson's talks.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Talk
Sorry for the long post, but I just decided to put my talk "out there," rather than try to summarize it.
"I know that you all see me each week, but I don’t get much of a chance to really interact with you so I thought I would take a few minutes and just tell you a little bit about myself.
My name is Micah Foster. I am currently living in Marilyn Foster’s home while she is serving a mission in Frankfurt, Germany. Marilyn is my step-mom and I am Bob Foster’s son, for those of you who may have known him.
I was born in Virginia, but we moved to Idaho when I was about 2 to be closer to family - which may have something to do with why we then kept on moving every couple of years; at least until we finally settled in Highland, Utah when I was about 8 and that’s where I consider myself from. I am the youngest of three children, I have two sisters and my mom currently lives in Lehi, down by Thanksgiving Point. I used to hate being the “baby” of the family, but I am old enough now to realize that whatever drawbacks it came with, I was really good at it and it also made me terribly interesting so I’ve made my peace with it.
I am currently a full-time graduate student at the University of Utah working on a Master’s degree in Speech Language Pathology. It’s a two year program, which they tell me goes really fast, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In fact, I spend most weeks wondering if I’m going to make it through at all, as it’s a very difficult program, but I also love what I’m learning and I know it’s where I need to be right now. In fact, going back to school was a bit of a risk for me. I spent the last 11 years working in Human Resources – I’ve been at both the University of Utah and Intermountain Health Care – and wasn’t sure I was capable of quitting a full-time job (and a full-time paycheck) and still survive. Well, for reasons I don’t have time to talk about today, I did it anyway and found that what I thought was a terrifying sacrifice in reality turned out to be a chance to receive many, many blessings and even a few miracles.
I have had 34 years to practice being single; and you know what they say, “practice makes perfect” and they’re right. So it’s nice to know that I’m perfect at something. I am not against being set-up (as sister Stringham can attest), but I’ll be honest, grad school is about a 70-80 hour work week and I am far too exhausted each week to think about dating; I’m not against it, I’m just not as young as I used to be either. (p.s. Sister Stringham, you’re going to make an excellent Single’s Ward Bishop’s Wife someday, so keep it up!)
The last thing I should tell you has to do with my hair. So, I’ve never had long hair before and what started out as kind of a joke has turned into a “thing,” so I promised my classmates that I would not cut my hair until I graduate… or get married (‘cause why not throw that out to the universe?). So you’re looking at about 8 months of growth with about another 16 months to go. The longer it gets the more I realize it’s going to turn into a “bullet” – which is a balding mullet, but since I’m also not dating right now, I’m not too worried about it. Also, just to forewarn you, if I happen to show up to church one day with my hair in cornrows, don’t worry about it, it’s temporary, I haven’t joined a gang or anything, it’s just my way of keeping it real.
That’s my brief introduction and still probably more than you wanted to know. On to the topic at hand.
So, I’ll be honest, I love/hate Brother Ardern’s 2011 October General Conference talk on our use of time. On the one hand, I hate it because it makes me feel guilty for all the time I’ve wasted in the past and also because my life feels so unbalanced now. With school being as intense as it is, I really don’t feel that I have time to do all the things I’m supposed to do and that makes me feel bad. I do acknowledge, however, that, ultimately, going through this difficult time in school will actually enable me to have a better circumstance where I can have more balance and more time to serve, but right now it feels very egocentric.
On the other hand, I do love this talk because it gives me perspective. It reminds me of what my priorities are. So, I kind of ended up in HR merely by chance. I was starting school at the University of Utah and needed a part-time job. I started out part-time and eventually took on more and more responsibility. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Interpersonal Communication and that actually seemed a good fit for HR, so I just stayed with it. Unbeknownst to me, however, my life was about to change.
It’s December 23, 2005. My dad calls and says my sister and I should come over to the house (my other sister was living in Texas at the time). We knew he had been having some very minor health concerns and had a few recent doctor’s visits, so his invitation was a little disconcerting. He sat us down and proceeded to tell us what his doctor told him. He had Kidney Cancer and he was only expected to live about another 6 months. I was in shock. I don’t remember a lot of things about that day, but one of the things that stands out the most, was actually what I experienced that night after I had gone back to my apartment. I felt as if I were being torn in two or that a piece of me was dying with him. Arguably, one of the worst nights of my life.
Well, the sixth month prognosis came and went and I felt that everyday my dad lived past that six months was a blessing. Fast forward about a year. I went to visit him in the hospital. I cherished the moments when he and I could be alone together to talk. You should know that while my dad and I always loved each other and got along, we still were never as close as I had wanted us to be. The time I lived with him while I was school and during his illness allowed us to get to know each other better and definitely improved our relationship for which I am extremely grateful. During this particular visit, where it was just the two of us, I could tell he was solemn and contemplative. I pulled my chair up next to his bed and held his hand. We started talking about life and time and preparing to move on to the next world. I asked him how he felt about dying and I was not prepared for what he shared with me.
He said that death held no fear for him, but he was worried about something. He wondered whether or not he was prepared to meet the Savior. That really took me by surprise. Those of you who knew my dad, know what a great man he was. He was kind and thoughtful; he loved the families he home taught; he loved serving in the church and was good at serving others. How could such a good man be afraid to meet the Savior? I vaguely recall giving some typical reinforcement about how I felt that he was more prepared than he realized, but I mean honestly, what else are you going to say?
I think what surprised me about that conversation wasn’t so much what he said, as it was that I saw him in a way that I had never seen him before – as a child of God. I always saw him as just my dad - someone who I could rely on and who was just always there; someone I had depended on my whole life. But for the first time, I saw that not only was he my dad, but he was someone else’s son. It made me realize how personal our relationship with our Father in Heaven is and how important it is to each individual. As strange as it may sound, that moment helped me begin the process of letting him go.
It wasn’t long after that that he celebrated his 60th birthday on March 2, 2007, which was something he was pretty proud about. Nine days later, he passed away. It was March 11, 2007, exactly 5 years ago today.
“And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless, there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 12:24
“Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 34:31-32
I don’t know what your lives are like. I don’t know what you struggle with. Statistically I suppose some of us here struggle with depression, perhaps self-esteem issues; some of us here struggle with finances or maybe with our temper. Some of us struggle with addictions to pornography, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, food even. I don’t know what it is in your life that may be preventing you from preparing yourself to meet the Savior one day. But I do know this: one day, you will meet the Savior. And the way you live now, right now, today, will determine whether you see him as THE Savior or YOUR Savior.
My invitation is for all of us to follow Brother Ardern’s advice: devote your time to the things that matter most. And what matters most is your relationship to your Father in Heaven and to YOUR Savior. Repent. Qualify for mercy. There is no better time than now.
I testify to you that the atonement is real. It’s power is real. Change is possible. Forgiveness is possible. Forget about the past – start from wherever you are right now and do your best. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. Allow the Savior to forgive you. If your sins are of a nature that you need to confess to the Bishop, confess them, don’t wait, don’t put it off. I know God lives. I know we are each precious to him. I know he is there and I know he will help you the way he helped my dad and the way he is helping me. But we have to act – we have to do our part because he cannot force us back to him. But once we choose to follow we begin our preparation. I pray that we will spend our time preparing for our return and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
"I know that you all see me each week, but I don’t get much of a chance to really interact with you so I thought I would take a few minutes and just tell you a little bit about myself.
My name is Micah Foster. I am currently living in Marilyn Foster’s home while she is serving a mission in Frankfurt, Germany. Marilyn is my step-mom and I am Bob Foster’s son, for those of you who may have known him.
I was born in Virginia, but we moved to Idaho when I was about 2 to be closer to family - which may have something to do with why we then kept on moving every couple of years; at least until we finally settled in Highland, Utah when I was about 8 and that’s where I consider myself from. I am the youngest of three children, I have two sisters and my mom currently lives in Lehi, down by Thanksgiving Point. I used to hate being the “baby” of the family, but I am old enough now to realize that whatever drawbacks it came with, I was really good at it and it also made me terribly interesting so I’ve made my peace with it.
I am currently a full-time graduate student at the University of Utah working on a Master’s degree in Speech Language Pathology. It’s a two year program, which they tell me goes really fast, but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In fact, I spend most weeks wondering if I’m going to make it through at all, as it’s a very difficult program, but I also love what I’m learning and I know it’s where I need to be right now. In fact, going back to school was a bit of a risk for me. I spent the last 11 years working in Human Resources – I’ve been at both the University of Utah and Intermountain Health Care – and wasn’t sure I was capable of quitting a full-time job (and a full-time paycheck) and still survive. Well, for reasons I don’t have time to talk about today, I did it anyway and found that what I thought was a terrifying sacrifice in reality turned out to be a chance to receive many, many blessings and even a few miracles.
I have had 34 years to practice being single; and you know what they say, “practice makes perfect” and they’re right. So it’s nice to know that I’m perfect at something. I am not against being set-up (as sister Stringham can attest), but I’ll be honest, grad school is about a 70-80 hour work week and I am far too exhausted each week to think about dating; I’m not against it, I’m just not as young as I used to be either. (p.s. Sister Stringham, you’re going to make an excellent Single’s Ward Bishop’s Wife someday, so keep it up!)
The last thing I should tell you has to do with my hair. So, I’ve never had long hair before and what started out as kind of a joke has turned into a “thing,” so I promised my classmates that I would not cut my hair until I graduate… or get married (‘cause why not throw that out to the universe?). So you’re looking at about 8 months of growth with about another 16 months to go. The longer it gets the more I realize it’s going to turn into a “bullet” – which is a balding mullet, but since I’m also not dating right now, I’m not too worried about it. Also, just to forewarn you, if I happen to show up to church one day with my hair in cornrows, don’t worry about it, it’s temporary, I haven’t joined a gang or anything, it’s just my way of keeping it real.
That’s my brief introduction and still probably more than you wanted to know. On to the topic at hand.
So, I’ll be honest, I love/hate Brother Ardern’s 2011 October General Conference talk on our use of time. On the one hand, I hate it because it makes me feel guilty for all the time I’ve wasted in the past and also because my life feels so unbalanced now. With school being as intense as it is, I really don’t feel that I have time to do all the things I’m supposed to do and that makes me feel bad. I do acknowledge, however, that, ultimately, going through this difficult time in school will actually enable me to have a better circumstance where I can have more balance and more time to serve, but right now it feels very egocentric.
On the other hand, I do love this talk because it gives me perspective. It reminds me of what my priorities are. So, I kind of ended up in HR merely by chance. I was starting school at the University of Utah and needed a part-time job. I started out part-time and eventually took on more and more responsibility. I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Interpersonal Communication and that actually seemed a good fit for HR, so I just stayed with it. Unbeknownst to me, however, my life was about to change.
It’s December 23, 2005. My dad calls and says my sister and I should come over to the house (my other sister was living in Texas at the time). We knew he had been having some very minor health concerns and had a few recent doctor’s visits, so his invitation was a little disconcerting. He sat us down and proceeded to tell us what his doctor told him. He had Kidney Cancer and he was only expected to live about another 6 months. I was in shock. I don’t remember a lot of things about that day, but one of the things that stands out the most, was actually what I experienced that night after I had gone back to my apartment. I felt as if I were being torn in two or that a piece of me was dying with him. Arguably, one of the worst nights of my life.
Well, the sixth month prognosis came and went and I felt that everyday my dad lived past that six months was a blessing. Fast forward about a year. I went to visit him in the hospital. I cherished the moments when he and I could be alone together to talk. You should know that while my dad and I always loved each other and got along, we still were never as close as I had wanted us to be. The time I lived with him while I was school and during his illness allowed us to get to know each other better and definitely improved our relationship for which I am extremely grateful. During this particular visit, where it was just the two of us, I could tell he was solemn and contemplative. I pulled my chair up next to his bed and held his hand. We started talking about life and time and preparing to move on to the next world. I asked him how he felt about dying and I was not prepared for what he shared with me.
He said that death held no fear for him, but he was worried about something. He wondered whether or not he was prepared to meet the Savior. That really took me by surprise. Those of you who knew my dad, know what a great man he was. He was kind and thoughtful; he loved the families he home taught; he loved serving in the church and was good at serving others. How could such a good man be afraid to meet the Savior? I vaguely recall giving some typical reinforcement about how I felt that he was more prepared than he realized, but I mean honestly, what else are you going to say?
I think what surprised me about that conversation wasn’t so much what he said, as it was that I saw him in a way that I had never seen him before – as a child of God. I always saw him as just my dad - someone who I could rely on and who was just always there; someone I had depended on my whole life. But for the first time, I saw that not only was he my dad, but he was someone else’s son. It made me realize how personal our relationship with our Father in Heaven is and how important it is to each individual. As strange as it may sound, that moment helped me begin the process of letting him go.
It wasn’t long after that that he celebrated his 60th birthday on March 2, 2007, which was something he was pretty proud about. Nine days later, he passed away. It was March 11, 2007, exactly 5 years ago today.
“And we see that death comes upon mankind, yea, the death which has been spoken of by Amulek, which is the temporal death; nevertheless, there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 12:24
“Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God;”
Alma 34:31-32
I don’t know what your lives are like. I don’t know what you struggle with. Statistically I suppose some of us here struggle with depression, perhaps self-esteem issues; some of us here struggle with finances or maybe with our temper. Some of us struggle with addictions to pornography, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, food even. I don’t know what it is in your life that may be preventing you from preparing yourself to meet the Savior one day. But I do know this: one day, you will meet the Savior. And the way you live now, right now, today, will determine whether you see him as THE Savior or YOUR Savior.
My invitation is for all of us to follow Brother Ardern’s advice: devote your time to the things that matter most. And what matters most is your relationship to your Father in Heaven and to YOUR Savior. Repent. Qualify for mercy. There is no better time than now.
I testify to you that the atonement is real. It’s power is real. Change is possible. Forgiveness is possible. Forget about the past – start from wherever you are right now and do your best. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. Allow the Savior to forgive you. If your sins are of a nature that you need to confess to the Bishop, confess them, don’t wait, don’t put it off. I know God lives. I know we are each precious to him. I know he is there and I know he will help you the way he helped my dad and the way he is helping me. But we have to act – we have to do our part because he cannot force us back to him. But once we choose to follow we begin our preparation. I pray that we will spend our time preparing for our return and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Funny how life works...
I was sitting in Sacrament meeting last week feeling good about my decision NOT to bear (bare?) my testimony when I had the crazy thought that it was okay because I would be speaking soon anyway. "Well that's just crazy," I thinks to myself, "I've been in the ward for 6 months and they always ask new people to speak when they're new." I thought my Bishop was giving me a reprieve because he knows how busy I am in school.
As it turned out, a couple hours after church, I get a phone call from the 1st counselor asking me to speak in church next week. I realized my stray thought earlier that day was really a prompting (warning?) so it was easy to say yes. Then he gave me the topic "A Time to Prepare," a conference talk by a member of the Seventy, Ian Ardern. The talk is about the wise use of time. (I think this is the spiritual equivalent of being hit in the face?) Well, it's ironic for a few of reasons:
1) I am in grad school and my concept of time is something between "death march" and "dog years." (If that sounds crazy, that's exactly my point!)
2) I do NOT know how I get anything done. Seriously, I don't know how everything keeps coming together for me to finish assignments and prep for clients and the like. Which makes me think I am either so good at time management that I have traveled above the plane where time has any meaning... or a whole lotta divine intervention! (Yeah, I know... it's the second one...)
3) One of the most profound conversations I had with my dad was about being prepared (for death).
4) And now they want me to speak about that on the very day that is the anniversary of his death!?!
Funny how life works. And by funny, I mean the exact opposite...
On the other hand, to be totally honest, I feel like this will actually be a blessing for me. I've had a rough-ish week and a big part of it is not having time to meditate, ponder/pray, or do anything to really help deal with the feeling of loss that I feel. I think this will help me put things back into perspective. I'll let you know how it goes...
As it turned out, a couple hours after church, I get a phone call from the 1st counselor asking me to speak in church next week. I realized my stray thought earlier that day was really a prompting (warning?) so it was easy to say yes. Then he gave me the topic "A Time to Prepare," a conference talk by a member of the Seventy, Ian Ardern. The talk is about the wise use of time. (I think this is the spiritual equivalent of being hit in the face?) Well, it's ironic for a few of reasons:
1) I am in grad school and my concept of time is something between "death march" and "dog years." (If that sounds crazy, that's exactly my point!)
2) I do NOT know how I get anything done. Seriously, I don't know how everything keeps coming together for me to finish assignments and prep for clients and the like. Which makes me think I am either so good at time management that I have traveled above the plane where time has any meaning... or a whole lotta divine intervention! (Yeah, I know... it's the second one...)
3) One of the most profound conversations I had with my dad was about being prepared (for death).
4) And now they want me to speak about that on the very day that is the anniversary of his death!?!
Funny how life works. And by funny, I mean the exact opposite...
On the other hand, to be totally honest, I feel like this will actually be a blessing for me. I've had a rough-ish week and a big part of it is not having time to meditate, ponder/pray, or do anything to really help deal with the feeling of loss that I feel. I think this will help me put things back into perspective. I'll let you know how it goes...
Friday, March 2, 2012
Life on the the "lil pun"
So, no one is going to get this reference, but there is an episode of the Mighty B! where the main character, Bessie Higgenbottom, is too short to ride a super-duper death defying roller coaster called, "the Punisher." Instead she gets relegated to the "little kids" version called the "Lil' Pun" which goes over one small hump and then bumps into a wall. Needless to say, it's a bit disappointing.
I guess that's a bit how I feel right now, like I thought I was ready for the big leagues, but now that I'm here I realize that maybe I'm more suited for something a little less demanding - which is disappointing. I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel pretty incompetent right now.
I know what it is that's making me feel that way though, and it's not school. Well... I should say, it's not JUST school, because school is definitely making me feel incompetent!
I also feel a little sad this time of year because of the "anniversaries." Today is my dad's birthday. My sister and I went to my dad's grave to put some flowers up and take some pictures for my step-mom (who is in Germany at the moment).
Next week, the 11th is the Anniversary of his passing. He passed away about a week after his 60th birthday - which was a landmark he was proud of achieving. This week is always hard for me. I am sad, but also happy that he is at peace. I know his spirit continues to live, but I still want him here. I know I will see him again someday, but I would love to talk to him now. Another roller-coaster. It's hard enough, but then adding the stress of graduate school is overwhleming.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to ride the Punisher nor the Lil' Pun - I am ready to leave the amusement park altogether! (I didn't mean that to sound like a euphemism for suicide even though it does... - sorry!)
I know everything will be okay, I have a great family and friends; I just wish I were around more for them, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else. I don't know whether to cry or to laugh - maybe both?! That is the crazy of grad school and as much as I'll appreciate my education, I will be glad when it's done!
In any event...
Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you, but I'm glad for the time we were given! I'll probably blog about you next week too... hope that's okay...
I guess that's a bit how I feel right now, like I thought I was ready for the big leagues, but now that I'm here I realize that maybe I'm more suited for something a little less demanding - which is disappointing. I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel pretty incompetent right now.
I know what it is that's making me feel that way though, and it's not school. Well... I should say, it's not JUST school, because school is definitely making me feel incompetent!
I also feel a little sad this time of year because of the "anniversaries." Today is my dad's birthday. My sister and I went to my dad's grave to put some flowers up and take some pictures for my step-mom (who is in Germany at the moment).
Next week, the 11th is the Anniversary of his passing. He passed away about a week after his 60th birthday - which was a landmark he was proud of achieving. This week is always hard for me. I am sad, but also happy that he is at peace. I know his spirit continues to live, but I still want him here. I know I will see him again someday, but I would love to talk to him now. Another roller-coaster. It's hard enough, but then adding the stress of graduate school is overwhleming.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to ride the Punisher nor the Lil' Pun - I am ready to leave the amusement park altogether! (I didn't mean that to sound like a euphemism for suicide even though it does... - sorry!)
I know everything will be okay, I have a great family and friends; I just wish I were around more for them, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else. I don't know whether to cry or to laugh - maybe both?! That is the crazy of grad school and as much as I'll appreciate my education, I will be glad when it's done!
In any event...
Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you, but I'm glad for the time we were given! I'll probably blog about you next week too... hope that's okay...
Sunday, February 5, 2012
GIANTS WIN!!!
WOOHOO!!!! I was pulling for the Giants and it didn't look good going into the 4th quarter, but they pulled it out and the Pats didn't!! 21 to 17, close call, but ended up being a great game!!!
Way to go Giants!!
Way to go Giants!!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Restaurant Review
I am critical. I should put it to use more often. Hence, this post. (I've never critiqued a restaurant before, so this may sound pretty juvenile.)
I recently went to a restaurant called the Blue Lemon. Some former co-workers took me out for my birthday dinner. It's part of a snazzy new rebuild in Downtown Salt Lake called City Creek and it was fantastic!! They have a Spinach-Artichoke Dip that I have now dubbed "Spinach-Articrack Dip" because it's that addicting!! I had a Salmon BLT on Sourdough and it was awesome! To be honest, I expected a lot of dressing, 'cause that's what you do to a BLT, but there was very little, which I thought was weird at first. However, the flavor was amazing and I realized quickly that too much dressing would have ruined it. Paired with some Sweet Potato Fries, it was a great meal. About $10, which is not too bad for a sit down restaurant.
I think what I love most about this place, and why I'm recommending it, is it's philosophy on preparing fresh food in healthy ways using as many local growers/farmers ingredients as they can. I feel good eating healthy and knowing I'm supporting local economy and reducing a carbon footprint makes it all the more enjoyable. I am super excited that they are building one in the Fort Union area (up on Highland Drive), which is only 20 minutes from my house!
Speaking of City Creek, it hasn't officially opened, but it looks like it's going to be a pretty happening place. The design, layout, landscaping, etc. look really, really good. I think it officially opens in March and I would love to go walk around. It's mostly closed now, so I couldn't see everything, but it looks like they'll have some pretty cool walk-ways and glass-covered bridges, fountains, etc. Someone told me a bunch of the shops at the Gateway will be moving in and are starting to get ready to move. I have never really wanted to live downtown, but this sure had made me reconsider. This would be a place I could live! But not on a graduate student's salary - so it will just have to be a dream for now!
Speaking of school, it's going well. Our coursework is starting to be more balanced with "case-work," i.e., working with clients and I love it. It's hard and super stressful, but when I'm in the room with a client, I love it. I know this is the right field for me, I just hope I can survive the education- seriously!!
I recently went to a restaurant called the Blue Lemon. Some former co-workers took me out for my birthday dinner. It's part of a snazzy new rebuild in Downtown Salt Lake called City Creek and it was fantastic!! They have a Spinach-Artichoke Dip that I have now dubbed "Spinach-Articrack Dip" because it's that addicting!! I had a Salmon BLT on Sourdough and it was awesome! To be honest, I expected a lot of dressing, 'cause that's what you do to a BLT, but there was very little, which I thought was weird at first. However, the flavor was amazing and I realized quickly that too much dressing would have ruined it. Paired with some Sweet Potato Fries, it was a great meal. About $10, which is not too bad for a sit down restaurant.
I think what I love most about this place, and why I'm recommending it, is it's philosophy on preparing fresh food in healthy ways using as many local growers/farmers ingredients as they can. I feel good eating healthy and knowing I'm supporting local economy and reducing a carbon footprint makes it all the more enjoyable. I am super excited that they are building one in the Fort Union area (up on Highland Drive), which is only 20 minutes from my house!
Speaking of City Creek, it hasn't officially opened, but it looks like it's going to be a pretty happening place. The design, layout, landscaping, etc. look really, really good. I think it officially opens in March and I would love to go walk around. It's mostly closed now, so I couldn't see everything, but it looks like they'll have some pretty cool walk-ways and glass-covered bridges, fountains, etc. Someone told me a bunch of the shops at the Gateway will be moving in and are starting to get ready to move. I have never really wanted to live downtown, but this sure had made me reconsider. This would be a place I could live! But not on a graduate student's salary - so it will just have to be a dream for now!
Speaking of school, it's going well. Our coursework is starting to be more balanced with "case-work," i.e., working with clients and I love it. It's hard and super stressful, but when I'm in the room with a client, I love it. I know this is the right field for me, I just hope I can survive the education- seriously!!
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