End of the semester updates

I'll jump right in to the updates:

It's been a month since I posted and I'm happy to say I've pretty much avoided all forms of Cheetoes!

I just finished up the semester a week ago. This means I have one semester left before I graduate. (I can't believe I'm typing these words!) My spring semester consists of one half-semester class (Cleft-Palate) and two 10-week externships. Then I'll graduate and start looking for jobs! Woohoo!

I know people are terrified of the externship experience - this is where we go out into the real world and, for the first week or so, observe a nationally certified Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP), then, for the next nine weeks, we step in. We are 100% observed by our externship supervisor, but we are the one in the driver's seat when it comes to providing assessment/therapy. This is a big deal. This is the "real world" experience and many of us doubt whether or not we are up to the challenge.

Oddly enough, I don't feel that way. I am so freaking excited to start. I have no illusions about how I'll do - I'm going to mess some things up and make some mistakes. But my school-clinic experience has taught me many things - one of which, is that I'm capable. I know I don't know everything, but I feel capable of learning what I need to know. I think the other reason I'm not scared is because of the previous 12 years I spent in jobs (both very good jobs!) that weren't right for me. I was miserable and dreaded waking up in the morning. Now, when I think about what I'll be doing, I feel excited to wake up and I can't wait to see who I'm going to meet, what challenge I'll be presented with and, more selfishly, what I have to learn from the people I meet. (Thus far, I've learned from every client I've worked with and they have benefitted my life immensely.)

So that's where I'm at peeps - on the verge of growing up. It hasn't been easy. I've probably said this before and I'm quite sure I'll say it again, but this Graduate School experience has been a crucible for me because it has impacted me intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don't know that I could really ever ennumerate or even explain all of the things I've learned, but I know the person I am now is not the same person I was two years ago when I started the program. I have a lot of the same challenges as ever, but I deal with them differently because I see myself differently. The fact that I can type the words "...I'm capable..." without a hesitiation (you'll just have to take my word for it that I didn't hesitate when I typed it!) is proof that I am different now.

I'll just mention briefly (if that's possible for me!) one of the things I've been working on lately: Self-acceptance and change. These are known as Dialectical Tensions and they are one of the many paradoxes at play within each of us individually and in our interpersonal relationships (thank you Bachelor's degree!). These two concepts seem to be at odds with each other - why change what you accept and how do you accept something you want to change - but in reality, both are necessary. It's easy for me to look in the mirror and see a need for change. This is due to my making a value judgment about myself, whether physical or otherwise, and seeing myself as "not measuring up" in some way. "I'm not athletic and fit, so I'm not as attractive, or desireable, as other men." In this case, change for me is necessary because I NEED to change in order to meet some imagined criterea to feel worth. This is wrong. I don't know how else to say it as plainly; it's just wrong.

What I really "need" is acceptance. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to work on acceptance when all my life I've been telling myself I'm not good enough. Then again, maybe I don't have to tell some of you out there - maybe you know just what I mean... In any case, acceptance means that I change the messages I give to myself. Instead of not measuring up, I say that "I am 'me' for a reason. I wasn't meant to be like anyone else and my unique combination of strengths and weaknesses is okay. It's okay just being me." (p.s., that last sentence actually came from Elder Hales in a message he shared in my single's ward years ago... I'm grateful I never forgot it...)

As for the paradox? It is only when I truly accept myself that I give myself the freedom to change. Because once I accept myself, I find that I WANT to change in order to live a more fulfilled life, and not that I HAVE to change in order to measure up. Wanting to change because you love yourself is so much different from feeling you need to change because you think you are deficient in some way. And that's just it - it's all about what you choose to think of yourself. I'm choosing to think differently and no, just because I can sum it up in a few paragraphs, doesn't mean the process is easy. It's not easy. It's "f-ing" hard actually. (Pardon my language.) But it's also the only way to finding true happiness and living joyfully and with purpose.