Fear: A study in black and white (part two)

Just to recap - the gist of my last post was basically that I am afraid of my own thoughts, especially, the thoughts (fears) I project onto others. Which makes me feel like I'm afraid of everything, but in reality I'm afraid of nothing (I know thoughts aren't "nothing," but I'm trying to capture the fleeting and changing nature of thoughts, implying a lack of a "foundation," i.e., so fleeting it feels like nothing).

I've tried to find and examine some of the underlying beliefs that feed into these thoughts and, consequently, my fears, so that I can do something about them. Some of the beliefs I've identified are these:

1. I'm not good enough / I don't measure up
2. I don't deserve to be happy / I deserve to be miserable
3. I'll never amount to anything / I'm not important
4. I'll fail (even I succeed for a moment), or something bad will happen to prevent me from succeeding
5. I'm not capable

It's strange how these five bullet points are here just a simple list, yet they represent a lifetime (literally for me) of agonizing pain and debilitating fear. I didn't just identify these beliefs overnight mind you. I've been trying to uncover these beliefs for well over seven years. It hasn't been an easy process.

But seeing these beliefs, which now exist orthographically, I realize why happiness and self-esteem have been so elusive - with these kind of thoughts, I'm defeated before I begin!

Which leads me to the black and white.

These faulty core beliefs, or FCB's for short, have no gray area. Based on these beliefs I have to be one way or another, there is no middle ground and there is no allowance for the PROCESS of learning. That is, trying, failing, practicing, succeeding, etc. It's like saying if I'm gonna play football then I have to pick up a football and throw the ball perfectly, every single time, from the first pass to the last. How realistic is that? Not at all!! Athletes spend their entire careers trying to improve. Nobody was perfect the first time they did something; there's always a learning curve. But I expect myself to be perfect, because according to my FCB's either I am perfect at something or I'm a failure. (I must be like the therapists version of a "golden" investigator!)

I'm afraid of looking stupid, or being seen as stupid because it's proves that I'm not good enough (FCB #1 and #5). So I avoid life. I keep myself safe. Safety is a big deal. It's amazing what misery and disfunction I'll put up with in order to maintain safety. I think I've developed all the problems in my life as a way of keeping myself safe. But safe from what? What is the danger that is so terrifying that I'm willing to discount my very existence to avoid it? Nothing. Even now, I can't come up with anything. How can I be so afraid of something that I can't even idenfity, let alone define?

While the "great fear" remains elusive, in the meantime, I still have to acknowledge that regardless of what I'm afraid of, these FCB's are what's preventing me from really being the man I want to be and they have to change. I have to change them. That thought is terrifying. My FCB's fight me every step of the way: what if I try to change, but fail (FCB #4 and #3)? What if I'm not really worth changing (FCB #1 and #2)? And the cycle continues.

Can anything break that cycle? YES!! I don't know what people of other faiths hold on to in times like these. I am grateful for the Gospel, however limited I am in my understanding of it, because it gives me the tools that I know will break this cycle. There are many tools, but I think the two most powerful tools in this instance are Faith and Agency. There's a reason faith is the foundation of our belief system. I must have faith that my FCB's are just that, faulty. I must have faith that if the fruit of these thoughts is misery that they can not be from a loving Heavenly Father. These beliefs are not what he would chose for me to believe about myself, but he can't choose for me. Leading to the next tool - agency. He can't force me to choose a belief system, but he allows me to choose. That's what agency is. The freedom to make choices. He has given me the power to change. Perhaps even more than just the power, along with agency, he's actually given me the responsibility to choose for myself.

It's quite the double edged sword. I am able to choose happiness; but that also means whatever misery exists in my life, is of my choosing. If I feel like a victim, it's only because I have victimized myself. I chose to belief such horrible things about myself. And now I can choose to change them. It's like a roller-coaster ride: thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.

You know, as I've been typing I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm really afraid of is being wrong and being useless. I certainly think that a fear of being wrong is due to pride, but in my case I think that's over-simplifying. I think being wrong represents some pride and also FCB's #1, #3, and #5. In any case, all 5 FCB's are just various aspects of being wrong and/or useless. If I've been a member of the church my whole life and had the gospel the whole time; and if everything about the gospel says that I am important and needed; how did I develop such wrong beliefs? Misperception of how and why other's treated me the way they did (even those, or perhaps especially those, of my own family) and misunderstanding other gospel principles, such a the true nature of humility, which I thought meant that I needed to discount myself and put myself last.

Here I am at the end of this blog post and I still haven't fully expressed the implication of black and white thinking in my life... I suppose that means a part three will follow at some point!

I apologize if all of this is too personal, but the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I'm not alone and that, maybe to some degree, we are afraid of sharing these things; maybe we think that we are the only ones or that others will think we are crazy. I guess this blog is one way to face and to fight my fears, so thanks for letting me share this. And if it helps you, just know that you are not alone.