Patience

Patience...  *sigh*

I'm not really a patient person. This has really come to the forefront for me lately. Now that I am okay with making changes I want them to happen - right now. And they don't. Grrr....

For example: I get frustrated when I walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes at alternating intensities and feel great for having had a great workout  and then I wake up the next morning looking... the same. I think a small part of me expects to lose 20 lbs and see a noticeable difference after only one day of exercise. Irrational? Umm.. yeah.

Change takes time. I know this logically, but I haven't really experienced making change, ya know? I'm usually fighting change tooth and nail. I think it must come from feeling like I've wasted so much time feeling bad about myself and unworthy of anything better. Now that I am opening myself up to the possibility of feeling good about myself and worth having a better life, I don't want to waste another day - I want to be the best I can be and enjoy life to the fullest now.

But that takes time, which takes patience, and I realize that I'm still too focused on an outcome and not the process. I realize that I'm still buying into the "I'll be happy when..." syndrome. Even though I've opened myself up to the possibility that it's okay to have what I believe will enhance my happiness, it will take time to "have" it, or achieve it. I still need to remind myself that I am happy with who I am right now and that I'm okay through the process of change.

I guess patience is just another aspect of acceptance. If I truly accept myself, then I'll be patient with any change I want to make and the time it will take to change. I know that I'm okay now and whatever I change I make it'll be the process more than the actual outcome that I'll feel proud of. (Well, maybe a little bit the outcome...)

People might see the loss of 20 lbs, but what they don't see are the days, weeks, months, and years of exercise that went into it. The sacrafices of diet (*sniff* I miss you starchy carbs and sugar...). But that's what I'll see when I look in the mirror and know that I was worth the effort.

I guess patience is also an aspect of faith. Faith that my life will improve with consistent and conscientious effort. Faith that I'm worth it and faith that I can be patient until I achieve what I'm working toward because I'm okay with who I am now.

Hey! I almost forgot... Merry Christmas!! :)