Never had one... until now! So, I haven't been sleeping well and consequently not feeling well and consequently not making the best eating choices and consequently not feeling well and consequently not sleeping well... vicious cycle, yada, yada, yada.
The other morning (2am? 3am?, I forget...), I'm laying in bed and I stretch and yawn... and then my heart starts defibrillating... okay, maybe that's not the right word, but seriously, my heart was racing and beating totally irregularly and I thought "if I move or do anything to exert myself in any degree I'm going to die!"
BAM!
Panic Attack!
It may have only lasted 30-60 seconds, but it felt longer. And it was terrifying. I knew immediately why - pressure from school. I have been so overwhelmed this semester that I think I have been suppressing how much it's actually affecting me. The previous years students all say that this is probably the worst semester and it gets better, but dang! I don't want to live like this ever!!
There's another component though that I haven't mentioned. My self-esteem took a hit recently and I think that was enough to put me over the edge. Not that the "hit" was anything new or substantial in and of itself, but I think what it did is knock the block off all the work I've done trying to be more positive and brought up a whole host of old beliefs that I thought I had dealt with. Just when I thought I was making such good progress - Surprise! There they are, lurking under the surface, ready to pull me back down into the sledge of "not good enough;" the slime of "worthless;" the tar of "fat and ugly."
If adding "overwhelming workload" to "destined to fail" isn't a perfect recipe for a heart attack - I don't know what is. So, bad timing, I guess, is what this all amounts to.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Even some who will call me out on my s*** (pardon my asterisks!)!! But it's true. I had a good reminder that these old thought patterns are a choice I make. If I choose to believe them, then yes, they are true - but only because I CHOOSE to believe them. And where is it written that I have to believe them? If it's a choice to believe negative things, isn't just as a much a choice to believe positive things? It's strange, but I think old beliefs are hard to overcome because 1) it's what we know (and sometimes all we know) and 2) what we've lived with all our lives becomes comfortable - like becoming desensitized to something painful... we live with it for so long that we come to think of it as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not healthy.
My panic attack came on because I chose to believe that I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't handle the workload, or that I wasn't worth it, not because of the workload itself. How grateful I am for this realization!! The fact that I see these connections means I am separated enough from it that I know I can be different and that I can continue to remove those old negative beliefs. I know I am fighting a brain that's been hardwired (which is why I think those old beliefs are still "in there"), but I also know that I can consciously choose to REWIRE my brain. I know it will take consistent and conscientious effort, but it can be done!!
(Which makes me wonder, does anyone know how long it takes to rewire a brain?)
1 comment:
Micah, can I just tell you how awesome you are? You might not believe it, but it's true. I have a close family member who struggles with a lot of the same things you do, and reading this post helped me see that we're not alone. Your thought processes sound very familiar! Please know how helpful your honesty and openness have been to me and many others. Keep up the good work, my friend. I think about you often and hopefully we can find some time to get together soon. A visit to the Purple Turtle, perhaps? :)
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