Life on the the "lil pun"

So, no one is going to get this reference, but there is an episode of the Mighty B! where the main character, Bessie Higgenbottom, is too short to ride a super-duper death defying roller coaster called, "the Punisher." Instead she gets relegated to the "little kids" version called the "Lil' Pun" which goes over one small hump and then bumps into a wall. Needless to say, it's a bit disappointing.

I guess that's a bit how I feel right now, like I thought I was ready for the big leagues, but now that I'm here I realize that maybe I'm more suited for something a little less demanding - which is disappointing. I guess what I'm really saying is that I feel pretty incompetent right now.

I know what it is that's making me feel that way though, and it's not school. Well... I should say, it's not JUST school, because school is definitely making me feel incompetent!

I also feel a little sad this time of year because of the "anniversaries." Today is my dad's birthday. My sister and I went to my dad's grave to put some flowers up and take some pictures for my step-mom (who is in Germany at the moment).

Next week, the 11th is the Anniversary of his passing. He passed away about a week after his 60th birthday - which was a landmark he was proud of achieving. This week is always hard for me. I am sad, but also happy that he is at peace. I know his spirit continues to live, but I still want him here. I know I will see him again someday, but I would love to talk to him now. Another roller-coaster. It's hard enough, but then adding the stress of graduate school is overwhleming.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't want to ride the Punisher nor the Lil' Pun - I am ready to leave the amusement park altogether! (I didn't mean that to sound like a euphemism for suicide even though it does... - sorry!)

I know everything will be okay, I have a great family and friends; I just wish I were around more for them, which makes me feel guilty on top of everything else. I don't know whether to cry or to laugh - maybe both?! That is the crazy of grad school and as much as I'll appreciate my education, I will be glad when it's done!

In any event...

Happy Birthday Dad, I miss you, but I'm glad for the time we were given! I'll probably blog about you next week too... hope that's okay...