Updates and thoughts

Since there are no comments on my Kefi post, I am going to take that as a No - which makes sense, now that I think about it. If I can't find it, why should I ask anyone else to tell me where it is? Oh well! I'm sure it'll turn up eventually.

On the plus side, I have news about school. I was accepted at the University of Utah, again. This time for a 2nd Bachelors in Communication Disorders. I will be taking a couple of years worth of classes and then applying for the Master's Program. I am SO flipping excited!! I never thought I would be this excited to go back to school, but I am. (I am also taking that as a really good sign that I am doing the right thing.)  I start this Fall and, frankly, can't start soon enough.

It's strange, some days I'm happy at work (probably because I know it's not permanent) and other times I feel like it's the worst drudgery known to mankind (probably because it's not rewarding in the ways that I need). I felt bad when my co-worker T. read a previous post where I said it was a job and not a career, and T. said it IS a career for them (sorry T!). Well no offense to anyone in HR. I've done it for 8-9 years and while T. was right, it can be a career, I just meant that it isn't a long-term career option for me.

I think I will like Speech Therapy for a ton of reasons, but one of the most important is that it's a career where I can help people, but not earn a lot of accolades, if that makes sense. I like the thought of helping people, but then having them be able to look back and feel good about the hard work THEY did to improve.

I imagine the most rewarding thing out there is to help someone else realize their own potential. I don't feel like I had that in my own life. That's not to say that there weren't people to help me along the way, because there most certainly were. I  just never felt that I consistently had anyone in my corner, rooting for me. I felt like I've struggled my whole life to understand why I should improve when I don't feel that anyone else around me cared if I did or not. I know I'm hoppin' the train to Martyrsville here, and I don't mean to do that.

I blame perception. There were (and are) people who care about seeing me improve, but for a long time I couldn't see it and that made me feel pretty worthless and lonely. It's been a hard thing to "learn" how to feel worth and I still have a lot to learn. But I'm much better than I was and that's partly due to the wonderful people who have influenced my life. I know that I could not be where I am today without the love and support of family and friends (so THANK YOU to everyone reading this!) and I also know that my Father in Heaven has orchestrated every good thing that has happened to me and has guided me to meet those who have loved and supported me. I really feel like I am surrounded by the best people on Earth and I know it's not through any merit of mine.

To whomever might be reading this: Thanks for being there helping me when I've needed you.

Has anyone seen my Kefi?

I recently watched the 2nd season of Chuck and I love this show. I really do like lots of different kinds of shows (except reality shows - I hate it when reality becomes scripted... it's no longer "real," but I digress...), however I seem to gravitate to certain kinds of shows. Some of my favorite shows, past or present, are (in no particular order): 30 Rock, Alias, X-Files, Medium, Lost, Numbers, Fringe, Bones, Chuck, Pushing Daisies, Star Trek: TNG, 3rd Rock From the Sun, etc. (This list doesn't even include British TV Shows or Cartoons!)

While I think I have a range of interests, I do seem to gravitate to some of the more sci-fi-ish types of shows. While watching Chuck, which is a spy "dramedy" I was asking myself why I liked this show so much. The answer was, I watch those shows and think, what would I do in that situation? Which I know is totally ridiculous because it's tv, not real life, but what if...?

That's when I realized I have no Kefi. Has anyone out there seen the movie My Life in Ruins? I actually really like that movie and part of the plot is Nia Vardalos' character trying to find her Kefi. It doesn't have an exact English translation, but it incorporates the themes of passion, dreams, fun, excitement, spirit, etc.

I don't think I have any Kefi in my life, so I find it in these shows which allow me a chance to "escape" reality for a time and think about how exciting it would be to be a spy; having to use your wits, that rush of controlled adrenaline in dangerous situations, kung fu-ing the crap out of the bad guys... I think that would be fun. Now, I should just say, for the sake of honesty, I have no illusions about what I'm capable of in real life and if I were to be a spy, I would be dead in 3.5 seconds. But, it's fun to think about anyway.

So, where does Kefi come from and where do I find it? I guess what I'm basically saying is that I realized that I don't have anything in my life to be passionate about. I may have lots of interests and hobbies, stuff like art and cooking, etc., but nothing that I really feel passionate about. I don't have that thing that I really "live" for, ya know?

How do I find my Kefi?

misc

I don't really have anything to say. I just didn't want to look at my orange sweater picture anymore.

That picture does remind me, I was going to show you some Chinese Lanterns that I made when our work celebrated Chinese New Year:

There are a couple that aren't in this photo because I gave them away. But the one on the far right is my favorite. I had a lot of fun playing with different designs (the ones that are missing are more square), but I will probably never do that again. It took a lot of time and trying to figure out how to get the tissue paper inside was a challenge.

Since I'm online, I guess I'll just keep typing my thoughts...

I had a rough day at work today. I won't go into details, but I didn't feel very supported and it kind of ticked me off. I am dealing with it and trying to just let it go, but I'll admit, it hurt a little. The only reason I mention it, is because it brought on a HUGE oreo craving! I don't usually even like oreo's that much, but it was all I could think about. I'd just read "YOU On A Diet," so I was totally aware that my emotional state was driving this craving, but just kowing that didn't make it go away. Actually, it still hasn't. But then I prayed and thought about all the reason's why I am trying NOT to eat that stuff and it helped my resolve. It didn't take the craving away, but it helped me decide to go to the gym, rather than the store... which was a mini-victory for me today. But I still want the friggin' cookie...

One thing I've been trying to do is connect what I want in my future with my choices today. I know that probably sounds lame and remedial, but it occured to me the other day that I've spent most of my life wanting better, but not really doing anything about it. (Picture me sitting slouched on my comfortable couch with a bag of oreos perched on my tummy mindlessly inserting cookie after cookie into my mouth wondering when I'm going to lose weight... Okay, maybe don't picture that because that's just embarassing, but you get my point.) Now, when I'm faced with a craving, or I think I'm too tired to exercise, I think about what I want my life to be in the future and I ask, "is eating this bag of oreos going to help me get to that future, or take away from it?" The answer is obvious and it helps me keep perspective, and to realize that 9 times out of 10, I really don't want to eat badly or avoid exercise, but I just need to focus on correcting whatever is affecting me emotionally at the moment.

It's not fool-proof by any means, but it's helped. It definitely takes practice. But if it influences even a few decisions, then I figure I'll be better off in the long run because every little bit helps, or so I've heard it said.

Does anyone else have those kinds of struggles? Or does anyone else have any tips that work for them? Please share...

The Orange Sweater

Okay, you asked for it so here it is...

Pretty anticlimactic, but you asked!!!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Someone at work asked me if I was doing okay today; I guess I seemed a little sad. At first I said, "today is my dad's birthday," then corrected myself and said, "well, today would have been my dad's birthday." I've been thinking about how I still automatically refer to my dad in the present tense.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is not an accident. I refer to my dad in the present tense, because his spirit still lives.

It's rare, but I do feel his presence at times. And, because of my testimony of the Gospel, I know that he IS around. I miss his physical presence, which does make me sad. But referring to him in the present tense helps me feel like he's still around me and it's my way of acknowledging to him that I know he's there.

I have vascillated a lot today between peace and sadness. I feel sad for the things that we aren't able to share directly. I feel sad at the talks we can't have. I feel sad that I can't go to him for a blessing. (I realize that I feel sad for the things I'm missing out on by not having him around. I don't necessarily feel bad for him because I know he's where he's needed.)

But I think that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know he understands why I am, but I try to remind myself of the testimony I have of the resurrection and the joy of knowing that we will be with each other again. That brings me peace.

I have been wanting to do something to honor him and I've been thinking about that a lot today too. I came to two resolutions: 1) Blog about him. Check! 2) Be the best person I can be. I guess I think the best way to honor his memory is to do what he would want me to do, which is to become the best person I can be.

Just like I know he wouldn't want me to drown in despair over him, I don't think he would want to me succumb to the vices of the world. Of course, it's much easier said than done. But at least I want to publicly acknowledge that I really do want to be a better person. And if I can be, I want him to know that any success I achieve will be due, in part, to his example and influence.

Thanks, Dad, for always encouraging me to press forward. I'm glad you're still "around" and I can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday!

Thoughts and the secret to happiness

Sorry I haven't blogged in almost a month... I was kind of on fire there for a little bit, then life happens, and you know the rest.

It's been great  having my sister home for the last few weeks!! I am conflicted at seeing her leave tomorrow! I am sad to see her go back to China, but  am so amazed at what she's accomplished that I really want her to go back and complete her assignment. I know the amazing feeling she must feel knowing she's done this incredibly hard thing and has come to love much of her experience. I'm sure it will feel good to go back and then be able to say, "I did it!" In a way I'm jealous, I don't know that I have the guts to do anything like that and I really admire that about her. Five months will go by quickly, I suppose, and it will be great to have her back home again... until she leaves and who knows where she'll end up! I kind of hope New York because I've never been there and I want to go visit!! I know she'll end up in the right place for her.

I got accepted into school for my second bachelors! I am going into Communication Disorders and I want to be a Speech-Langauge Pathologist (i.e. Speech Therapist). I can't wait - I am SOOOO excited to go back to school!! I will start this Fall. It's going to be hard to do - there are a lot of uncertain things that I don't know how to plan for, like my job. I am leaving it in the Lord's hands, but I worry about it sometimes. I can't plan every detail, but I know he can, and does, and that's comforting.

I took a risk today. I wore an orange sweater. I know that sounds lame, but I saw it and really, really liked it, so I bought it. I just didn't know how it would look on me and I thought I would look like a big round orange, which I do, but I also really like it. I was a good thing for me, I think. I have realized lately a lot of things about myself, things that I need to change and one of those is perception. I worry to much about other people judging me - I know why I am this way and I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say, I didn't know how people would react. So I gave myself a little pep-talk as I left this morning. Something along the lines of, "Okay, I didn't buy these clothes because I thought other people would like them. I bought them because I like them and I thought it would be a good color on me. So even if people look at me funny or make fun of me, it won't matter because I can't control what other people think of me and, personally, I think this outfit does look good on me - even if I'm bursting at the seams." So when I walked out the door, I left with a little more confidence, knowing that I made this choice because it made me happy and I wasn't going to worry about what other people thought, because I can't control them or do anything about it anyway. You know what happened? I got lots of compliments! I wasn't expecting that at all. Looking back, I think it was both the clothes and my attitude that made the difference. It was a risk, but it paid off and I'm glad I did it!

And a big THANK YOU to all those who made my day with your compliments! I am surrounded by the best people!!

I have a lot of other epiphanies I want to blog about - and I will - but for now I want to leave with two things: 1 - the secret to happiness and change, and 2 - an analogy that helps me remember that secret.

The secret to happiness and change is: How I talk to myself.

That's it. Pretty (deceptively) simple, isn't it? But huge in its importance.

My feeling is that the way I talk to myself, determines how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I let others treat me.  This is where the locus of power in my own life lies. This is a result of having agency and the only thing that I have absolute control over. No matter who you are, or your circumstances in life, you can choose how you talk to yourself. I have said a lot of negative things to myself in the past and I am working on changing that. Like any other skill, takes practice to improve. But when I do, I feel more confidence and peace. Jut like what I told myself when I wore my sweater today - I needed that positive reinforcement, but the only place it could come from is me. If I had been self-conscious and still received compliments on my sweater, I would have felt as though I didn't deserve them and try to deflect them. That's because I would only allow negative reinforcement, not positive. But with a different outlook, the compliments were appreciated even more because, deep down, I didn't really NEED them.

My anology is this. "Self-talk" is like breathing. For the majority of the day, it's on "automatic." You don't consciously think about breathing, your body just does it. Your interal dialogue is always on and runs automatically -whether it's positive or negative and regardless of whether you're aware of it or not - it's always on. But with breathing, you can become aware of how you're breathing and seamlessly take CONSCIOUS control of how you're breathing (like how people do this when they're singing). The same is true with our thoughts, we can take conscious control of our internal dialogue and CHOOSE whether or not that self-talk is positive or negative. I believe that the more we practice CONSCIOUS POSITIVE self-talk, the more our unconscious dialogue REMAINS positive. This change from negative to positive can change our lives, I truly believe that. For me it is not automatically positive, and it will take a lot of work and effort to change it to positive, but I know I can and I know the Lord will help me. Just like you'll die after minutes of not breathing, I think our internal dialogue is just that important to our survival.

That's all for now... blog ya later!

Food and the evil necessity

I love food. Just when I think food loves me back, I find it hates me. Then I hate food. Then I apologize and I love food again.

Yes, I know I sound crazy - I did it on purpose to make a point. I recall commenting to someone once on my distorted relationship with food. Then I realized I used the word "with." Shouldn't I have said, "...my relationship TO food..."? Or is that just semantics? I don't think so. It's a bit of a revelation to realize that I regard food the way I would another human being. Are food and I really in a "relationship?" Some days there might be some symbolic similarities (some people don't "sit" well with me and make me want to puke, others are like comfort food - you feel good just being around them, etc.), but really, overall, I don't think I should be reacting to food the way I react to people, right?

I don't really know how or when that started. Maybe it's just another aspect of what people do when they live to eat, rather than eat to live. I don't want a "relationship" with food, but how do you end a relationship with something you need to live? Is that why some people have a hard time ending relationships with people who are bad for them, even though they know they are bad for them, somehow they feel like they need that relationship in order to feel good about themselves, or their life, or maybe even in order to survive (emotionally)? (Things might be getting deep here folks, stay with me...)

People do illogical things that hurt themselves all the time (like doctor’s who still smoke), so I’ve learned that we are powerfully motivated by emotions and I definitely have emotions attached to food. For example, my own blog post about my trip to DC. Notice what I said just above the picture?

Sometimes I listen to people who are in terrible relationships and my reaction is “deal breaker – shut it down!” But it’s easy for me, who am not emotionally involved, to say that. But what about my own (dysfunctional?) emotional relationships? It’s not so easy for me to take my own advice. When I think to myself, I really NEED a pizza, I should say to myself “deal breaker – shut it down!” and reach for an apple, but do I? Of course not! Because it’s not about the pizza, it's about what the pizza means – comfort. The real question I should be asking is, why do I need to be comforted right now?

And food is such an easy thing to reach for. Why? Because we have to have it to live!! It feels like food is a necessary evil. You can’t just say, “Oh yeah, I guess this is a bad relationship, I’m just gonna ‘shut it down’ and stop eating from now on…” Additionally, bad food is so readily available! It’s easier, faster, and more comforting than healthy food. I guess here I should make a distinction. There is good food and bad food. I think all fast food, processed/prepackaged food, sugar, soda, etc. are bad categorically (meaning, for everyone). Then I think there is food that is bad for me. Sugar makes me crazy (even too much fruit in one sitting). Carbs like bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, etc. make me depressed, so I can’t eat them. But those are the foods I “love!”

I think when I can change my relationship with food from a “with” to a “to,” then I’ll have the right relationship and I’ll eat to live only.

Right now, I just really want a pizza…

Birthday babble

I've heard people say, "there are no stupid questions." I totally disagree. Some questions are stupid. For example, every year a few days after my birthday I hear, "It was your birthday? Why didn't you tell me?" Stupid question. For a small education in social etiquette, here's my answer:

First of all, It's very rare for this to be brought up appropriately when it's not the actual topic of discussion. "What did you have for dinner last night?" "It's my birthday tomorrow."

Second, I've known people who have announced their brithday and, let's just say, they are people who usually don't leave the best impression (greedy, awkard, lonely, desparate, sad, etc.). I don't want to be one of those people.

Third, and what's REALLY stupid about this question is that even when we know why we would never announce our birthday unbidden (because of reasons one and two) WE STILL ASK THE QUESTION OF OTHERS!! (Admit it, you've said it to someone at least once in your life!)

Yes, it was my birthday last Thursday and I didn't tell you... because I'm not lame.

p.s. now that I've told you it's the 21st of January I expect you to write that in your calendars... and don't ask me next year why I didn't tell you it was my birthday - I'm telling you now!!!

The answer is 3...

Three days in a row sorting through underGarments. That has to be a new record for me and proof that my life is lame - because this is all I have to blog about...

So I went to my mom's house for Sunday dinner (it was her birthday so we made her dinner), but I found a basket of laundry that needed washing... guess what it was? You guessed it! Under"G's"!! I guess if I sit down tonight and fold them, it will be four days in a row, but I can only take so much, so that's not going to happen!!

By the way, here is a photo of my experience at the Junior League of Salt Lake:

Do I look confused? Bewildered? Incredulous?

It's because I don't know what this is, or what possible use it could have...

Okay - that's not true, but it made for a good photo!!

Laundry day...

So I spent some of my day sorting my own "unmentionables..." How ironic is that? How many days in a row can someone sort underGarments...?