Someone at work asked me if I was doing okay today; I guess I seemed a little sad. At first I said, "today is my dad's birthday," then corrected myself and said, "well, today would have been my dad's birthday." I've been thinking about how I still automatically refer to my dad in the present tense.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is not an accident. I refer to my dad in the present tense, because his spirit still lives.
It's rare, but I do feel his presence at times. And, because of my testimony of the Gospel, I know that he IS around. I miss his physical presence, which does make me sad. But referring to him in the present tense helps me feel like he's still around me and it's my way of acknowledging to him that I know he's there.
I have vascillated a lot today between peace and sadness. I feel sad for the things that we aren't able to share directly. I feel sad at the talks we can't have. I feel sad that I can't go to him for a blessing. (I realize that I feel sad for the things I'm missing out on by not having him around. I don't necessarily feel bad for him because I know he's where he's needed.)
But I think that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know he understands why I am, but I try to remind myself of the testimony I have of the resurrection and the joy of knowing that we will be with each other again. That brings me peace.
I have been wanting to do something to honor him and I've been thinking about that a lot today too. I came to two resolutions: 1) Blog about him. Check! 2) Be the best person I can be. I guess I think the best way to honor his memory is to do what he would want me to do, which is to become the best person I can be.
Just like I know he wouldn't want me to drown in despair over him, I don't think he would want to me succumb to the vices of the world. Of course, it's much easier said than done. But at least I want to publicly acknowledge that I really do want to be a better person. And if I can be, I want him to know that any success I achieve will be due, in part, to his example and influence.
Thanks, Dad, for always encouraging me to press forward. I'm glad you're still "around" and I can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday!
3 comments:
Micah I know he is proud of you. He is still around and smiling on you all. Happy Birthday Uncle Bob, we love you!!
I still talk about him in the present tense, too, on his birthday. I think our birthday is always our birthday, right? I think you have a good head on your shoulders.
Bob was on my mind a lot yesterday too. And I also think about the things that I have missed out on because he is gone. I loved getting his opinion about situations going on in my life and what he thinks about them. He always gave an honest opinion, and that was refreshing. James and I both really miss him.
Roger Ebert was on Oprah yesterday, and seeing some of the struggles that he has gone through with cancer reminded me of Bob too. Man, I hate cancer.
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