Thoughts and the secret to happiness

Sorry I haven't blogged in almost a month... I was kind of on fire there for a little bit, then life happens, and you know the rest.

It's been great  having my sister home for the last few weeks!! I am conflicted at seeing her leave tomorrow! I am sad to see her go back to China, but  am so amazed at what she's accomplished that I really want her to go back and complete her assignment. I know the amazing feeling she must feel knowing she's done this incredibly hard thing and has come to love much of her experience. I'm sure it will feel good to go back and then be able to say, "I did it!" In a way I'm jealous, I don't know that I have the guts to do anything like that and I really admire that about her. Five months will go by quickly, I suppose, and it will be great to have her back home again... until she leaves and who knows where she'll end up! I kind of hope New York because I've never been there and I want to go visit!! I know she'll end up in the right place for her.

I got accepted into school for my second bachelors! I am going into Communication Disorders and I want to be a Speech-Langauge Pathologist (i.e. Speech Therapist). I can't wait - I am SOOOO excited to go back to school!! I will start this Fall. It's going to be hard to do - there are a lot of uncertain things that I don't know how to plan for, like my job. I am leaving it in the Lord's hands, but I worry about it sometimes. I can't plan every detail, but I know he can, and does, and that's comforting.

I took a risk today. I wore an orange sweater. I know that sounds lame, but I saw it and really, really liked it, so I bought it. I just didn't know how it would look on me and I thought I would look like a big round orange, which I do, but I also really like it. I was a good thing for me, I think. I have realized lately a lot of things about myself, things that I need to change and one of those is perception. I worry to much about other people judging me - I know why I am this way and I won't go into it here, but suffice it to say, I didn't know how people would react. So I gave myself a little pep-talk as I left this morning. Something along the lines of, "Okay, I didn't buy these clothes because I thought other people would like them. I bought them because I like them and I thought it would be a good color on me. So even if people look at me funny or make fun of me, it won't matter because I can't control what other people think of me and, personally, I think this outfit does look good on me - even if I'm bursting at the seams." So when I walked out the door, I left with a little more confidence, knowing that I made this choice because it made me happy and I wasn't going to worry about what other people thought, because I can't control them or do anything about it anyway. You know what happened? I got lots of compliments! I wasn't expecting that at all. Looking back, I think it was both the clothes and my attitude that made the difference. It was a risk, but it paid off and I'm glad I did it!

And a big THANK YOU to all those who made my day with your compliments! I am surrounded by the best people!!

I have a lot of other epiphanies I want to blog about - and I will - but for now I want to leave with two things: 1 - the secret to happiness and change, and 2 - an analogy that helps me remember that secret.

The secret to happiness and change is: How I talk to myself.

That's it. Pretty (deceptively) simple, isn't it? But huge in its importance.

My feeling is that the way I talk to myself, determines how I feel about myself, how I treat myself, and how I let others treat me.  This is where the locus of power in my own life lies. This is a result of having agency and the only thing that I have absolute control over. No matter who you are, or your circumstances in life, you can choose how you talk to yourself. I have said a lot of negative things to myself in the past and I am working on changing that. Like any other skill, takes practice to improve. But when I do, I feel more confidence and peace. Jut like what I told myself when I wore my sweater today - I needed that positive reinforcement, but the only place it could come from is me. If I had been self-conscious and still received compliments on my sweater, I would have felt as though I didn't deserve them and try to deflect them. That's because I would only allow negative reinforcement, not positive. But with a different outlook, the compliments were appreciated even more because, deep down, I didn't really NEED them.

My anology is this. "Self-talk" is like breathing. For the majority of the day, it's on "automatic." You don't consciously think about breathing, your body just does it. Your interal dialogue is always on and runs automatically -whether it's positive or negative and regardless of whether you're aware of it or not - it's always on. But with breathing, you can become aware of how you're breathing and seamlessly take CONSCIOUS control of how you're breathing (like how people do this when they're singing). The same is true with our thoughts, we can take conscious control of our internal dialogue and CHOOSE whether or not that self-talk is positive or negative. I believe that the more we practice CONSCIOUS POSITIVE self-talk, the more our unconscious dialogue REMAINS positive. This change from negative to positive can change our lives, I truly believe that. For me it is not automatically positive, and it will take a lot of work and effort to change it to positive, but I know I can and I know the Lord will help me. Just like you'll die after minutes of not breathing, I think our internal dialogue is just that important to our survival.

That's all for now... blog ya later!