Grateful that Christmas was great!

Hey all! I hope you all had a nice Christmas. Mine was fantastic! I loved all the gifts I received and I'm glad my family liked the gifts I gave them! (I'm STILL singing "Troy and Abed in the Moooorning!")

I was overwhelmed at the gifts I received actually. I felt like I received too much! It made me very grateful for how Heavenly Father has provided so many things to meet my needs, but also just to enjoy. I know He truly cares about my well-being AND my happiness.

I sometimes think that having no trials would make me really happy, and He wants me to be happy, right? So I can ask Him to remove all my trials, right? Because it will make me happy, right? Well, He's too smart for that obviously... and I think, ultimately, He will put my well-being above my happiness, for which I am grateful. I know that sounds contradictory, but what I mean is that, while I know that He wants me to be happy, he also wants me to be a better man and sometimes that means going through experiences that challenge my happiness. In other words, he asks me, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be better?" (Knowing full well that being better means future happiness.)

But maybe that's too black and white. Happiness is not only a gift of the spirit, or a reward for obedience, it is also a choice I get to make. Heavenly Father could provide me every material comfort available in the world (think indoor movie theater and towel warmers in the bathroom!), which SHOULD make me happy, but if I choose not to be, then I won't be. How many times have I heard stories of people who are dirt poor, but still the happiest people on earth? Too many to count. Why are they happy? Because they choose to be! That's something I will do better at this next year.

I have a lot to be grateful for: the right people in my life at the right times (including family and friends), the gospel and the church, material needs met, etc. I think this next year is going to be really fantastic, especially because I choose to make it that way!!

Christmas Testimony

I posted this last year, so rather than reposting it, I'll just give you the link. I hope you enjoy it!

I love how the British express their Christmas sentiment, so I have adopted it for myself:

Happy Christmas!

Woohoo!!!

I just got my grades for this semester and guess what? Straight A's!!!! I've never gotten straight A's in my life! I am so happy and, quite honestly, shocked!

It's a Christmas miracle...

The Vesuvius of core beliefs

I am taking a break from studying for my anatomy final. I had three finals total to take, but I just took my second one today, so that just leaves my anatomy final on Friday. I am glad they were spread out. I've not been taking care of myself lately and I've had a hard time dealing with that and tyring to study; mostly the effects from not eating the best foods. I realize now that I was more stressed out than I thought and I didn't really do anything to manage the additional stress.

On top of finals, I have been trying to get all the materials together for my Grad School application. Bad timing, but I needed to get all my stuff together so that I could share it with my professors, of whom I'm asking for letters of recommendation. I need to ask them now so that they have the Christmas break to write those letters and so that they remember me. I submitted my application to the graduate school and once I have this semester's grades, I can apply to the department. On the plus side, I now have all my materials so I can submit everything once grades come out and I won't have to wait to apply - the deadline is by Feb 1st, but I don't want to procrastinate.

Since I haven't felt well (anxiety and depression) I've not been motivated to study and today was a close call. The test turned out to be easier than I thought it would, but I also know it was the worst I've done on a test. Anyway, the take home message for me was that I put off way to long what I should have done sooner. I really could have studied more, but I was more interested in eating and watching TV (which is how I avoid life usually).

I realized that part of the reason I am so stressed out is because I feel threatened. It's the fight or flight response kicking in and since I have nothing to fight, I "flight." Why should I feel threatened though? Well, I guess I feel threatened in the weight of decisions I am making about my future clashing with beliefs I have about myself. What do I mean by that? So here I am choosing to change careers, enroll in school, reduce my work schedule (and income) to practically nothing, feeling like my future and the rest of my life depend on these decisions, which is weighty enough as it is, then add to that feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I've always been a disappointment, or that I will fail in the crucial moments. It is a fact that I do have a history of failing and of disappointing people, including myself.

But choosing to go back to school and change careers is also choosing to believe that I can be different, that I can succeed. These two opposing beliefs are coming to a head at this point in my life and it's overwhelming to know what to do. It kind of feels like I was on the fault line of two continents that smashed together, expelling me into the air (like a volcano) and now I don't know where I'm going to land. So, no wonder I feel "threatened" and want to run away.

It's so strange to me to feel the battle going on inside between what I "know" and what I "feel." I want these things to match and I'm not quite sure how to do that. I want to know, logically, that I have worth AND feel that I have worth. I want to know that I can do hard things AND feel like I can do hard things. Right now I don't feel my own worth and I don't feel I can do hard things. Logically, I "know" that's not right, but I don't "feel" it. I suppose, trying to infuse some positivity here, that it is progress to at least be able to say that I know that I do have worth and that doing hard things is possible. There was a time when I didn't even believe that much about myself.

Much like a volcano that quiets after it releases magma, I'm hoping that developing some new beliefs about myself will help quiet the turmoil I've been experiencing as a result of my own dysfunctional behavior. I know my behavior will change when my beliefs change and that's something I need help with. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who will help me, but it takes time and I'm impatient. I always want the easy way out and I don't think this has an easy solution. But I know it has a solution and I pray that I will work it out soon!

I'm still here...

I am torn between loving and hating not having an internet connection at home. I love it because it means I have money for food and I hate it because, let's face it, I'm a big fan of instant gratification. I hate that I can't see what time a movie is playing, but then I remember that I don't have money for that kind of thing and then I'm grateful I don't have to be tempted to buy tickets because I don't have the internet. I hate that I can't watch my favorite shows/movies online anymore. I have to "borrow" them when I am at the library or anywhere else I can get a free connection. Then I remember that school is my first priority and I don't really have time to watch tv anyway, so I am grateful I don't have the internet at home. You see what I mean?

The other downside is that I don't get to blog as much either and that is sad for me. It's proven to be a good outlet for me so I miss being able to do it whenever I can get a second to organize my thoughts.

Just know that I am still here. School is going really, really well, although it is overwhelming and stressful at times. Work is okay, I struggle with my midget paycheck, but I am grateful to have a job and a paycheck at all. I have not yet learned how to be patient.I am still trying to practice lessons the Lord has helped me to learn. I still have moments of doubt that I'm doing the right thing or that I am up to the task ahead of me. Can I really learn what I need to learn to be successful in the career I've chosen? I'm still trying to accept that some dreams have to take a back seat and that the sacrifices I'm making now will be worth it and will set a foundation for a better life.

Overall, I'm happy. I am learning to take the good with the bad and now I'm trying to ignore the "Facts of Life" theme song that just popped into my head....

I hope to blog about my Thanksgiving, which was both the best and the not so best I've ever had. I think the appropriate term is bitter sweet. But that will have to wait another day. I have a report to write and procrastinating isn't making it any easier!!

The way I see myself

I was right - time IS flying by! It doesn't help that I no longer have an internet connection at home and can't blog as often as I would like to!

The last few weeks (and month, really) have been quite a roller coaster for me. Lots of ups and downs. I know life is supposed to be like that, but it's less fun when the highs and lows come closer together.

I think I've learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks. I feel like the image of who I am in my mind is becoming clearer. It kind of feels like my whole life I only ever saw representations of me, as if I had only seen myself as drawn by someone else. Have you ever tried to draw a self portrait? It's harder than you think! I have a self-portrait that I can tell it's me, but then again it's not an accurate reflection of what I actually look like. Oh, here it is...

(I went for a "neutral" pose here, and I think it's significant and maybe a little "freudian" that it came out looking so sad...)

I have thought a lot about what it means to be "me" over the last few weeks. The thing is, I don't know that I've ever been clear about who I am because of the way I've treated myself and, to a certain extent, the way I've let others treat me.

Sure, I could go on an on about how there were emotional messages I never got as a child, and that I never really believed I was important or of value to anyone, consequently, I treated myself as unimportant and without value and found that the world only reflected back to me what I already felt was true about myself. (Turns out I was wrong; that's a hard place to go to FYI!)

The irony is, the more I try to "find" myself, the more I feel the Spirit telling me that my journey isn't about self-discovery, nearly as much as self-creation. In other words, I shouldn't be asking, "who am I," but asking, "who do I want to become?" It isn't that I've somehow fallen out of alignment with myself, even though I do sometimes feel like I'm walking through life as a blurry image at times, but it's that I never realized that I get to decide who I am. If I don't like something about myself, I get to change it. It's pretty simple, but very powerful for someone like me who has felt so helpless all my life. I guess I'm done playing the victim and ready to take responsibility for myself and trying to learn how to accept the good and the bad.

I know we are all children of God and I know that we all have unique personalities and traits that we brought with us because they are a part of our spirits and a part of who we are, but I don't think Heavenly Father sent us to earth simply to uncover the things that make us who we are. I think He sent us here to build ourselves into something better.

Unlike the Hindu god Brahma, who sits back and simply observes that which he created, I think Heavenly Father never stops being a God of Creation and not only in the material sense. Sure, worlds are always being created and formed, but I think He is helping us as individuals to be created into something new (see 2 Corinthians 5:17), a new creature (John 3:1-8).

It's almost funny to me how, after making this revelation, I immediately feel the influence of the adversary, as subtle as my own thoughts, reminding me of who I was and fearing that I will never be able to change. It's true, I do look at my past and see a history of failures which makes me wonder if I can do anything other than fail or make wrong choices. But then another voice says that for every time I failed I got back up. That may not sound like much, but for someone who has been into "suicidal" territory, it's pretty major. Yes, life has beaten me down. Yes, life has given me hardships and an overwhelming load to bear. But "life" has also given me a Savior. He makes new life possible. He makes it possible for me to create myself into something new.

This is all very new territory for me. I'm entering a phase in my life that I've never been to. The scenery is unfamiliar and I don't know how I'm going to find my way. I may stumble and will often want to go back to the "comfort and security" of who I was, even if it means getting back into negative self-talk and depression. But  I have to believe that this road is the right one. I think I'm going to like what I find in this new place and I'm sure the views will be worth the climb.

Incidentally, I want to send a big THANK YOU to everyone who has ever supported me to any degree. It is so important to value and praise each other, but it's just as important to accept it. I know that I may have offended some, who, when trying to offer a compliment, I disputed it and whether I vocalized it or not, I found various reasons as to why they were wrong. As much as I thought I needed that external validation, what I really needed was internal validation.

I never learned how to tell myself that I am ok. I craved attention and wanted the world to see that I am important, but then when I did get any measure of praise or compliment, I discounted it because it didn't match the picture of who I thought I was. I didn't feel deserving of it and so, I didn't accept it. How may people out there think they need the world to validate them, but when they are praised it doesn't mean anything because really what they need is to accept themselves. That to me is the definition of despair, thinking you need something from the world and not realizing that you have the power to get it from within. I suppose in some weird "coping mechanism" way I felt that if I could convince the world that I was worth something, then that would in turn convince me that I was worth something.

I can tell you right now that self-esteem doesn't work that way! I have to decide that I'm worth something and be okay with who I am. That is a struggle for me - it doesn't come naturally. I've noticed a pattern in my life: I feel disatisfied with something > I struggle to understand it > I learn a lesson > I have to practice the lesson. The hardest part for me is practicing the lessons!

So thank you to everyone who believed in me. Thank you for trying to tell me that you saw more to me than I saw in myself. I hope it's possible to click "publish post" and have this message transcend time and space to reach all those who have been an influence for good for me. I can only hope that one day, I might be able to return the favor.

Update

October is here and I know the rest of the year is now going to fly by! I'm looking forward to the holidays though. Mostly, I just want to survive my classes. They are hard, but I also love what I'm learning and I love what I'm doing. I know I'm in the right place for me right now and that gives me peace.

I loved GenCon 180* by the way; I don't know if I'll have time to post about some of what I learned, but the whole conference was awesome! I LOVE Saturday morning sessions! I don't know what it is, but I think some of the best talks come out of that session.

One thing I will say, I have a renewed testimony of prayers being answered. I had a couple (and by a couple I mean many) questions I was hoping to have answered and while I can't say that each question was answered as directly as I would like, I know that the answers are there. I decided that I would put a star next to the names of the speakers in my notes that I felt were speaking to my specific questions and I ended up starring over half the talks.

Heavenly Father let me know that the answers are there and, in a weird way, I'm glad the answers aren't as deliniated as I'd hoped; I guess what I'm saying is, I'm grateful that He's making me work for finding those answers. I know He doesn't want to make things hard, but He wants me to appreciate the lessons I have to learn and I always appreciate the things I have to work for. For the moment it was confirmation enough that the answers are there and now I just need to seek them out.

Except, when do I have time to search, ponder, and pray?!?! Ugh! I am buried in school work and I have a major test tomorrow that I know I'm not ready for. I guess I have to remember to take things one day at a time and deal with what I CAN do, rather than worry about what I can't control. That's a hard lesson for me to learn.

One thing that I've come to know is important to finding balance, is boundaries. Have you ever had a relationship that, while not necessarily outright destructive, was maybe just subtly corrosive? I have. It's not easy putting up the boundary that says, "I can't let you hurt me anymore," when the other person is not cognizant of what they're doing. But I had to do that recently and it's strange, because it doesn't necessarily make me happy, BUT, I have to admit that when I did I felt an amazing sense of freedom and a weight being lifted. I felt freer, and that to me is an indication that I did the right thing. I hope things change in the future, but for the moment, I know it was the right thing to do. I just hope the other person realizes that I still love them, but I can't "love" people at the cost of my own well being.

*GenCon 180 is the 180th session of General Conference!

Seasons

Where does the time go? Seriously, Fall is just around the corner and then 2010 will be gone. 2010!!! I still remember people freaking out over Y2K like it was yesterday! I have to say, that I wish I lived somewhere that had Spring for 6 months, then Fall for 6 months. I love both those season's the most and I am really looking forward to Fall. True, I'll miss most of it being in school, but I'll enjoy walking around campus when the leaves start changing colors (some have already up in the mountains!).

Why am I thinking about Fall? Because I am at the Library and I am supposed to be studying for a huge test tomorrow. I am overwhelmed at what I don't know, so I am avoiding it. Not a good strategy... okay, back to the books!!

p.s. wish me luck tomorrow!

I little note about friends

I took a break from studying today and spent some time catching up on people's blogs. First, of all, I don't keep in touch with people nearly as much as I ought to (I didn't say "should!"). Second, I think I have some of the best friends ever. I'm sure everyone feels that way about their friends, which is good. But I just wanted to go "on record" as saying that I think I have the BEST friends ever!

I think my friends are the kind of people who make you feel like you want to be a better person just by being around them. I need those kind of people and I feel pretty lucky to have that! I hope I can be that kind of friend in return.

School update

So, I love my classes! They are somewhat technical, things like phonetics and anatomy, but I LOVE learning about this stuff!! I know I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes, I still get scared though and think, is this really gonna work out? There is so much uncertainty still regarding my work schedule and, consequently, monetary implications. I go back and forth between worry and peace. I worry that I am doing the wrong thing or not doing enough. Then I sit back and realize that so much of what I've been through this last year has been guided by the Lord. So I know he's in charge and I know if I just trust him, and not get in his way, it will all work out. But it's SO not in my nature to just sit back and wait. I am way to much of a control freak - I hate uncertainty and I hate feeling like I'm doing nothing when there's so much I SHOULD be doing.

I also hate the word "should." It has the potential to carry so many negative connotations. If there is someting I "should" be doing, but don't, then I condemn myself for failing, i.e., I label myself a failure. (Yes, I am extremely hard on myself!) The thing is, I'm afraid that if I'm not hard on myself, then I'll get lazy or complacent somehow and that negative pressure is the only thing that's ever worked to motivate me to get anything done. But the older I get, the more I realize that the price I pay for that, the self-deprecation, is a bit too high in the long run and probably not worth the cost.

But change is hard. And takes faith. Which, ultimately, is a good thing. I know this is just another opportunity to stop worrying about what I should be doing, and stop agonizing about what I'm not doing, and focus on what I can do. I've never been good at functioning within my sphere of control, I'm usually focusing on my limits (or even what's outside my limits). I suppose feeling powerless can be fairly common, which is probably why the concept of focusing on what can be controlled is part of the twelve-step process.

So I don't know what my future holds, but for the moment, I think I'm in just the right place. I am happy in school and feel like that is as much a confirmation as anything else that I'm doing what I "should" be doing.

Family Reunion

My textbooks came in the mail on Saturday!! Whoohoo!!! It made school feel that much more real. I was so excited I started reading them right away!! I'm such a nerd.

Saturday was a fun day for a lot of reasons. It was our family reunion and we went to Lagoon. I have so many un-fond memories of Lagoon that I was having a hard time going; but my desire to see my cousins won out. Thank goodness. I wasn't there for very long, but it was great getting together and seeing how everybody was doing. It was strange, but I had a moment of "connectedness" that I didn't expect. I don't know that I can really describe it better than that; but it was something like feeling I was part of something. It was a good feeling and I am glad to have the family I have. Each in their own way are special, and I love all of them!

It was also an opportunity to let go of something. I gave all the lapidary* stuff I had from dad and grandpa, to my cousin Cam. I was holding on to it because of the memories I had being with dad and grandpa, rock hunting, metal detecting, panning for gold, etc. I imagined that as soon as I got into my own house, I would set up a "rock" shop and start cutting and polishing rocks. But over the last few months, I've realized that that idea was built more out of a nostalgic longing, than an actual plan. My intent was to hold on to something and the physical materials made it seem more real, but I had to ask myself, what am I really holding on to? I was holding on to memories, memories of being with my dad and enjoying his company and, if I might indulge my recollections, feeling like he enjoyed my company too.

I miss him. I think I'm having a harder time than I've been willing to acknowledge to myself lately. Especially now that school is starting. He always gave me a blessing before starting school. Oh, I know there a number of people around me who would give me a blessing if I asked, but it isn't the same. I'm reminded of part of my remarks at my friend Kim's funeral, I talked about how you don't lose someone just once, but that you lose them over and over. When you walk into their room, hear a song that reminds you of them, etc., you feel like you lose them again. Even after three years I still feel that, especially with school starting. Somethings are different though. As I said in my talk, with the help of time passing, I don't see all the ways I've lost him, but all the ways he is with me. That is a comfort and I think why I felt that "connection" at the family reunion. It reminded me that we are sealed to each other through Priesthood and Temple ordinances and no power on earth can divide that. We will be together again and I long for that day to arrive.

In the meantime, I'm trying to be realistic about what I hold on to. Hence, the giving away of the lapidary supplies. I know they mean a lot to Cam too, and I'm glad that they are going to someone who will use them, love using them, and hopefully, keeps that connection alive and well.

Thanks to everyone who came to the family reunion, it was great seeing you all and I love you!!

*Lapidary for the uninitiated is a fancy word that means rock cutting.

The Blessed Shopper

I've never revealed this to anyone, but I have a tendency to be a bit of a "lucky leprechaun" when I shop. Things like finding the exact item I want is on sale when none of the other similar products are; or it's common for me to find the LAST item in stock; the list goes on.

Anyway, last night was a bit of a doozy! So, I went to a podiatrist and she said I HAD to buy new shoes (I know, quell disappointment, no?) and some orthotic inserts. I went to REI and I thought I had what I needed, but just before I was about to leave the sales guy (who had been helping someone else) came over and asked if I found what I needed. After talking with him, it turned out, I hadn't. This guy knew everything and he was awesome! Needless to say, he helped me find exactly what I needed and I've had the best day on my feet today EVER! Thank you REI Dave!

I know what you're thinking, that's not such a big deal, that was his job. But, wait! It gets even better. I went over to Dillard's (again, my podiatrist said so) to find some shoes and she even gave me some specific brands to look for. I love shoes*. The lady in the shoe department seemed annoyed with me at first, because she kept asking if I needed help and I said I was "just looking." She finally got the message and would just waft by occasionally to check on me. I try to be really nice to sales people, they have hard jobs and they deal with mean people a lot, so I always try to feel out how jovial I can be with someone; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. This time, it worked. So I started trying on some shoes and also tried to be happy with her and be slightly sarcastic (which I do REALLY well!) and she seemed to relax a little. I'll jump to the end: I ended up buying two pairs of shoes, for which she gave me two or three discounts, then gave me a bottle of Calvin Klein's Eternity for Men (not a sample, a whole freaking $100 size bottle!) for free, and two sketchers baseball caps (Mishka was with me), which were really nice! I was shocked! I actually gave her a hug and she said not to tell her husband! wink, wink!! :) Needless to say, she warmed up to me and even the manager came over and joined in on a couple of laughs. Talk about a "Lucky" shopping trip! I found the best shoes ever, and got tons of free stuff thrown at me!

In all reality, what it boils down to, ISN'T luck. It was being friendly to someone who had a long day. As we were getting ready to leave, the manager, who saw this lady giving me all this free stuff said, "it's nice to help people who are happy." Ultimately, it isn't all the free stuff that makes me feel good, it's knowing that I really made a difference in someone's day, just by being kind to them. My motivation was just to see her smile and I think that's why she gave me that stuff, she knew I was genuine and that I wasn't "angling" for anything. I remember when she gave me the cologne, and I asked her why, she said, in her thick Asian accent, "you're a good guy."

How cool is that? Maybe it's just my luck!

*I love shoes because I'm fat. i.e., unlike clothes, which never fit, I can always find shoes that fit, so I developed a taste for shoe shopping...

Now that's a bad day!

I just LOVE ths picture, it makes me laugh EVERY time I see it!!!

Lately, it serves as two reminders: 1) No matter how bad I think my day is, someone out there is having a worse one; and 2) Even a bad day can end up being a good laugh.

Not that my days have been terrible, or anything. I AM having a hard time at work; that's no secret though. I have a great job and the money is good, but I am reaching a point in my life where I feel the need to contribute. I want to feel that someone else's life was just a little better today because I was there and I was their friend. Not that I need any recognition; I just need to feel like I was useful to someone. That's what makes me feel important and worthwhile. My job doesn't give me that. I know that any condition we're in is only temporary. My sister's quote on her blog from Robert Frost is timely for me as well. He said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

I love that reminder because it IS hard to remember. I recently gave a lesson in Elder's Quorum about the storms of life and how they can "cloud" our perspective because they are all we see, and so often it's hard to see past the boistrous winds and waves, and we become overwhelmed and afraid. I should say, "I become overwhelmed and afraid...," because I can't speak for anyone else. That's just been my experience. But life goes on. the storms pass. (The point of my lesson was that the Savior is our Rock in those times and he has the power to calm ALL storms, the natural, as well as emotional, storms of life.)

That's why I am looking forward to school so much. I have no illusions that it will be easy. I know working full-time and going to school full-time is going to wear on me, but I am excited because I know that this profession (Speech Language Pathology) is a step toward living a life of purpose.

My challenge now is to be patient. I don't do that well. I know, like any skill, it takes practice and I am grateful that I see this time in my life as an opportunity to improve that skill. It helps me realize that my Father in Heaven is not so concerned with my happiness that he won't allow me the growth that comes from trials. Let me say that another way, more than he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be better. With faith, trials make us better; with fear, trials make us bitter. Sometimes it's a fine line, but most of the time it's really just a choice.

Ughh! I SO hate taking responsibility for myself!! That, like patience, is also something I am not naturally inclined to. I've spent so much of my life blaming other people and circumstances for my unhappiness, that I have a "natural" tendancy to point the finger at anything and everyone but me. The last couple of years, however, have taught me that it's time to stop blaming everyone else and start being accountable for my own choices. It's amazing, but when I do, I feel free. I guess I would have thought that finally admitting that I am to blame for many of the bad things that have happened to me would have overwhelmed me with guilt and regret, and to a certain extent I do feel that at times, but, unexpectedly, I sometimes receive the same miracle that the Savior's disciples received (Matthew 8:26):

"Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm."

Now that's a good day!

At work we've been reading a book called "How Full is your Bucket" and as a project we've been filling people's bucket - kind of like a secret santa - with encouragement, praise, etc.

Anyway, I went to a meeting and when I came back to my cubicle I had paper posted all over the place. They were notes from my co-workers with compliments for and about me. It was very touching and I really needed it. I've been having a hard time at work lately and it was humbling to feel like I'm making a difference, or at the very least, having a positive impact on others.

I gathered up the strips and put them behind my computer where I can see them...

It made my day and will probably be one of the best surprises I've ever had!! Thank you Jennie!!! (My secret santa bucket filler!)

A particular kind of music

So, I really do like all kinds of music (except country music, which is an oxymoron!). But occasionally, when I'm feeling sombre or melancholy, I like music that is soft and makes me feel like I'm floating. I don't know why it's so comforting, or soothing, but I sometimes really need it to de-stress.


I recently came across one such song on the soundtrack to the movie Corpse Bride. I have always liked this movie, and the score, but there was one song that really seemed to match my need for calmness. I played this song over and over for a couple of days. I guess I'm totally stupid, because I just now realized that my need to comfort has of course been influenced by the difficulties of the past week with my friend passing away and reliving some things from my past.

In any case, I was pondering why this music was so touching to me and why I was so affected by it. And then, more slowly than suddenly, I realized what it is. It captures the sweetness of time passing. I'm usually in a rush to get things done, I never seem to have the time to do all the things that need to get done in a day. But listening to that song, and others like it, reminds me to slow down and appreciate the things that can't be rushed.

I feel a little emabarassed to admit this, but I woke up this morning far too early and I couldn't get that phrase "time passing sweetly" out of my head, so I went to my computer and wrote down my thoughts. It turns out, I wrote it in poem form. I wanted to share it here, but I'm not a poet, so I'm a little embarassed at how juvenile it must sound (I give you permission to make fun of me!). But in any case, I hope it serves me as a reminder that some things cannot be rushed, and it's okay to slow down and appreciate them. And fortunately, I have great music to help me do that.



Time Passing Sweetly

There’s always so much to do.
Each day is filled with things to be done,
Rushing from one task to another;
Because,
After all,
There’s only so much time in a day.

But there are moments in life
Where time is not measured by the quantity of accomplishments.

These are moments of time passing sweetly.

Have you ever been alone in the woods and listened?
Somehow, beneath the birds chirping,
Beyond the insects buzzing,
Past the wind sighing,
You can almost feel the trees growing;
There, time passes sweetly.

Have you ever sat and watched a day end?
To see the sun slowly descend,
To see the rays of light cast a golden glow through the air,
To see the clouds washed with color,
To see the sky darken into the solitude of night;
That is time passing sweetly.

And there are other evidences of time passing sweetly.

In the thin, sometimes fluffy, white hair,
In the wrinkles and lines of age,
In the stooped shoulders that have borne so many burdens,
In the step, not quite as sure as it used to be,
In the hands, bent and misshapen, but with the warmest touch,
I see time passing sweetly.

And one day,
Our hearts will be mended.
All our cuts, bruises, scars, and deformities will be healed;
Where we are in pain, where we are damaged and broken,
All will be repaired.
But,
Most thankfully,
Our hearts will be mended;
As time passes sweetly.

This is the comfort in the promise of Eternity;
Time passing sweetly.

Tragedy in the Holladay 29th Ward

I don't know if I've ever said how much I love my single's ward. But I love it. Alot. I have seen the 29th ward go through some pretty significant changes over the past 10 years that I've been in it. While it is always changing, the one thing that hasn't changed is how I feel when I'm there. The ward is not just a ward to me, but a family. I love everyone there, even if I don't know them that well.

Such is the case with Kim and Joe. Kim Evans and Joe Clark are in our ward family and our hearts go out to them, and especially Kim's family. For those of you who may not know, yesterday (Saturday June 26th) Joe and Kim were hiking when they fell into a river and Kim was swept away over a waterfall (Bell's Canyon). Joe was rescued and lifeflighted to Intermountain Medical Center. He's not as injured as news reports indicated, but I can't imagine what he's feeling. He remembers everything that happened. Kim has yet to be found. They called off the search yesterday, when it became too dark, but they are resuming again this morning. I haven't heard anything yet, but I do know that late afternoon yesterday rescuers told the family that they were not hopeful they could find her alive. It is a recovery effort, not a rescue effort, at this point.

I still pray for a miracle. I know that my Heavenly Father is a God of Miracles, but I also know that he holds all life in his hands. When all else fails to help us understand his will, it is essential that we accept it. Isaiah 55:8-9 says that his ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts higher than our thoughts. That gives me hope that he knows what he's doing and I trust him. It's hard to lose a member of my ward family and it brings back a lot of painful memories of when my own father passed away. But along with the pain, there is peace. I also remember the things I have learned as a result of losing a loved one and going through such a difficult experience.

I know that God lives. I know that He loves all of His children. I know that in His desire to have us come home to Him, He provided a Savior, who is Jesus Christ. I know that the Savior suffered the bitterest agonies of our pains, our losses, and our sins, so that we might not have to suffer. It's okay to feel pain, to feel loss and sorrow, but suffering is not necessary. I know that because He died and was resurrected that all of God's children born to this earth will be resurrected. These gifts, of which I can only barely begin to comprehend, allow us to return to the presence of our Father. Only because of the Savior are we allowed the opportunity to return to His presence, and our choices in this life determine whether or not we stay in His presence. If Kim has not survived this fall, I know that she will definitely be going home to stay.

Modem fail

My modem was dropping my internet connection, like, literally, every 5 minutes. I finally called and they said they would send me a new one in two business days. I got it and set it up and it seems to be working great.

It was only two business days and I thought I was going to die. I can't believe that I need the internet SO MUCH that it would elicit such a strong feeling of desperation and anxiety. The thing is, I really enjoy non-electronic forms of diversion, such as walking, hiking, writing, painting, cooking, reading, etc. that I really shouldn't feel DEPENDENT on having the internet.

But I do - the internet is my source of information. If I have a question, I don't think about going to the library, or looking in the phone book (I can't even believe they still make them...), or whatever. My information trifecta is Google, Wikipedia, and IMDb (pretty much in that order). And I do place a lot of value on electronic entertainment, movies and music mostly, which I need the internet for. I guess I'm a sucker. I want to have a simpler life that is NOT dependent on electronics, but I get sucked in by it's accessability and reliability (when my modem is working) and that fact that it's available 24/7.

I think we're pretty spoiled, actually, to have this much technology and while it promotes connecting people over long-distances, it can also alienate close-distance relationships as well. Double-edged sword, I guess.

Anyway, my point is, I'm glad to have a working modem again!

Some pics

I finally got around to sorting through some photos I've taken recently. Here are a few.

My sister likes Orange flowers and I don't know how often she runs across them in China, so I bought some and took some pictures of them for her.











This is the elusive K. This is how she looks about 82.5% of the times I've seen her. I made her put "cami" away for Hometeaching: Dancing Edition...


My friend Kat and I went to Donut Falls up Big Cottonwood Canyon. It was still pretty, in spite of the sleet coming down.



These were on the trail. I love Aspens!






From far away it looks like she's anxious to leave (something to do with the freak hale storm, maybe?)



But if you look closely, you can see she's smiling...



There are a few things that never seem to turn out in photos the way they look in real life. I tried anyway.



I loved that you could see the whole moon sort of "backlit." It's much more striking in real life!



I love storms! I was at my mom's house in Lehi as this storm was going by. I went outside, like I usually do in severe weather and was rewarded with this view of a rainbow:




A week or so ago there was a sunset that made the sky look like it was on fire. Unfortunately, I was driving and not able to take any pictures until it had almost faded completely. When I was finally able to park and get out my camera, this is what I got. Not as intense as it was a few minutes before, but still pretty I think.




I'm still working on sorting through the 400+ photos I took on my Memorial Day trip to Manila, so stay tuned - more to come...

The status is totally quo

Wow, time flies. I didn't realize I hadn't posted for so long. Sorry peeps. I've been pretty good lately. I am looking forward more and more to school starting in the Fall. Still not really sure what's gonna happen with my school/work schedule, but I'm sure the Lord will help me work it out.

I am excited for our ward's art show tomorrow. I've got a few pieces I'm going to show and I'm really excited to see what other people have done, as well as get ideas for new projects. I've been working on one for a co-worker (that's 2 now! soon I may have to start charging!), and I love how it's turning out. It's really hard to let it go, but I just hope she likes it! I'll find out Thursday!! If I remember I'll try to take a picture of it and post it here.

Changing gears: I've been sore for the last month - from exercise. I'm not complaining; it's a weird kind of soreness that also feels good. I don't know that I've ever experienced that before. Having SelectHealth's gym nearby has been a huge blessing for me. For one, it's not THAT busy, so I don't feel self-conscious and two, because it's been convenient, it's been easier for me to work out more consistently. I'm definitely feeling the difference and I love it!

I still have to be pretty careful on my diet. "Beware the Carb Monster!" That's what I need to say to people when I eat carbs... they makes me turn into a jerk. Somedays its not that much of a stretch, other days it's like Jekyll and Hyde-ish. Sugar makes me crazy - I think I've said this before. Starchy carbs make me depressed. The problem is they taste so freaking good!!

Losing weight feels good and is gratifying, but it's not nearly as immediate as donut gratification, my difficulty is to maintain perspective and I have to keep asking myself, "is eating that (fill in the blank) going to help me achieve my goal?" and that helps.

Anyway, life is good. There is a lot of happiness to be had and good people to share fun times with, so all in all, I'm pretty happy at the moment.

Thoughts

I guess I don't post consistently. I have surges of frequent posting and then nothing, for weeks. I guess that is a lot like how I approach life, I get excited about something and go gung ho at it, and then the excitment wears off and I kind of drift on until I find the next thing to be excited about.

That's maybe where TV and movies come in. Movies and TV are excitement and diversion, without all the effort. I've known I'm lazy for awhile, so this doesn't surprise me. They are a good filler for when not much is happening. Speaking of TV...

I loved the end of LOST; I should say, I love how LOST ended. Who knew a sci-fi time traveling trippy series would have been so much about faith? I love that twist and I'm glad the producers/writers/actors stayed true to it throughout the last 6 years.

For me, Fringe is the new LOST. I love that show - it's still weird and sci-fi, but so much about the characters and what they deal with emotionally, that it feels like there's a real (almost) spiritual element to it. Just a great show!

Anyway, I'm just biding my time until Fall, when I start school. I have doubts as to whether or not my work will be able to accommodate my schedule, but I guess I shouldn't really worry about it. I know it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

Life takes faith and I need more practice.

I was thinking the other day how much our success in this life depends on Acceptance. I guess I mean all kinds of acceptance: accepting yourself, accepting others for who they are, accepting lifes up and downs, accepting all the things that have happened in our lives - the good and the bad, etc. I am not very good at it, but fortunately life affords much opportunity for practice.

I guess I haven't blogged too much because a lot of my time has been spent doing some introspection and learning lessons, mostly too personal to blog about. That's a good thing; the trials I am going through are teaching me a lot about myself and, little by little, I am learning to accept all that has happened, and is happening, to me.

Past life....

This is me circa 1958. I was known by the name Gerald Timothy. I'm not sure what look I was going for here... something between Colonel Sanders and Andy Griffith. The real tragedy here is having two first names for my full name and that the first one had to be "Gerald." Not an easy life, I'm telling you!

When white elephants are a sign

For some reason Elder Hales' message about self-acceptance has corresponded with quite a few messages about, and even relates to, me and dating. Dating and I have quite a history (I onced crashed a formal dance with 3 girls AT THE SAME TIME!! Yes, I've lived and I have a past NONE of you know about, which is SO another blog...). Anyway, currently, dating and I "are in a fight." We don't speak, nor have anything to do with each other. It's worked out for both of us that way for quite some time, but Elder Hales' visit and a few other messages, seem to be encouraging dating and I to "kiss and make up," so to speak. (By the way, the fact that I chose dating as a euphemism for dating either means I'm totally brilliant and witty, or I'm psychotic - it's a fine line. I'm just going to settle for "somewhat clever.")

Really what I'm building up to is the fact that something happened today that made realize that all the messages are probably NOT coincidence, and I've been trying VERY hard to keep these events in the "coincidental" category... until I won these today as a white elephant gift....

Now, if you think they are red plastic champagne flutes with hearts attached to the stem, you are totally, 100% correct. I know what you're thinking, "Those are smashing!" Okay, unless your british, you probably weren't thinking that. What I was thinking after I unwrapped them was, "Oh crap!" (well, that and "Best. White. Elephant. Gift. Ever.")

I think the only thing left is for me to get hit over the head with a stick to realize that dating and I are courting again... now the only problem left... who do I ask out? Is there a white elephant gift that can tell me that?!?

Elder Hales visits the 29th ward

Sunday our ward had Elder Hales come by for a visit. The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve are seriously considering what to do with singles and the single's wards. I don't know why they choose our ward, but they've been through a few times, mostly members of the 70, though, not usually members of the 12. I guess it helps that our first counselor in the Bishopric is Pres. Monson's home teacher, but whatev's.

Anyway, I got to pass Elder Hales the sacrament and some people were thinking it was a big deal. Take it from me, it wasn't. I've served the sacrament to Pres. Monson and it wasn't any different. I'm  not saying it's not cool, but really, they aren't any different in that respect. Wouldn't it be weird to have a goal to pass the sacrament to ALL the members of the 12? If I were to do something like that, then right now I'd be saying, 1 down 11 to go!!

The real point of all of this is that Elder Hales gave a really simple message, but one that I needed to hear. It was primarily about self-acceptance. I won't go over everything, I'd have to be able to read my notes to do that and I was writing to so fast most of it's not legible anyway..., but I will mention one or two things that stood out to me.

He said that we were to go home, look in the mirror, call ourselves by name and say, "It's good enough, just being you." That might sound all Stuart Smalley to some people, but I tried it, and it was surprisingly hard. I've been doing so much work trying to be okay with "me" that it surprised me how hard it was to say the words. It was like, saying it loud made it real and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I think the other reason it was hard is because I don't yet know how to reconcile the "be okay with yourself" and "constantly improve" dictums that I feel I've been given. Those two things feel at odds with each other - how can I be okay with myself if I need to improve? If I need to improve something, doesn't that imply that I'm NOT okay with myself? I don't know, I haven't really figured that out yet. But at least I'm trying and I feel like I'm at least going to be blessed for following his counsel.

The truth is, it actually worked a little. I think a part of me couldn't help but believe what I was saying was true. As much as I've tried to avoid that kind of honesty with myself, I really had to admit that I really do like who I am, even if there are things about me I don't like. Then when I think about the things I don't like I tend to forget about the things I do like and my self-esteem suffers. Liking myself is a choice and for whatever reason, that choice does not come naturally to me, but like any quality, it can be practiced. Which is what I plan to do.

I know everyone knows the phrase, "whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right," but I've developed my own little version of that that goes like this: The only reason you think you can't, is because you think you can't. Conversely, the positive iteration of this would be: The reason you think you can, is because you think you can. (ha ha, I suddenly thought of the little engine that could... I guess this positive message had been around for while...)

Anyway, at the very least, it feels good to know that what I'm working on is important and to have an Apostle tell me that, from the pulpit, makes me feel like I'm on the right track and that helps even more to "think I can" handle this and get through it.

One week anniversary

Officially, yesterday was day 7 without any sugar or simple carbs (for me that includes no pasta, rice, bread, etc.)!!! Woohoo!

I don't have any particular goal or time frame for not eating sugar, I'm just trying not to eat it anymore. I felt like it was time to make more of an effort. I've spent the last year or so bemoaning my fate when I eat unhealthy food and I finally decided that I do not want to do that anymore. Yes, it means sacrifice and maybe turning down a dinner invite or two, but I think in the long run it will be worth it. Well, it's my health, so I know it will be worth it.

It's been a weird week. I think it took me a couple of days before I felt like I was "detoxing." That is, headaches and kinda moody, and a few more days of rotating moods, happy, then sad, upbeat, then melancholy, etc. It's almost feels like an emotional thermostat trying to reset itself. I don't know how else to describe it. I can honestly say that I feel better. I'm a little bit more tired still, but I think my body is trying to adjust to living on fewer calories. I'm not starving myself or anything, I just find that I can't eat as much in one sitting when the food is nutrient dense, which is a good thing. The base of my diet is vegetables, lean meats (mostly eggs and poultry), and healthy fats.

So my plan is just to go as long as I can and pay attention to how my body responds. My main goal is to help control the amount of calories I eat and to make sure the base of my diet is nutritious. I know I eat a TON more when I eat sugar -  don't know why exactly, but I think it's something like this. When I eat sugar, I'm getting a lot of calories, but no nutrients. I think my body responds by saying, "Hey! We got enough calories, but we don't have enough building blocks here (proteins, amino acids, enzymes, anti-oxidants, etc.) - you gotta eat some more!" So I crave more food, unfortunately, cravings typically cause me to eat unhealthy food, which only gives me more calories, but essentially starves my body of what it needs. So what does it do? Store the excess calories (turning love handles into a loveseat!) and keep me running to the fridge, or the store, or the fast food restaurant.

Again, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going on. Anyway, I have noticed that I do not crave things as often. I still get cravings once in a while, especially the first few days (trust me, it was a fight not to give in!), but now I seem to be having fewer and they are less intense. That makes me feel good and also makes me feel like I am doing the right things.

I know I have a long way to go. I've lived for so long not understanding how my own body works that I've left myself open to temptations and whims and I finally feel like I'm just beginning to understand how to get it under control. In one sense though, the damage is done and I have to accept the consequence of my actions in making me this heavy.

Sorry if this expression is too crude for you, but it's a reall kick in the crotch to realize that even though I was innocently ignorant, it doesn't change the fact that the way I am is a result of my own choices. That's been a tough one for me to accept. But I think I'm at the point where I realize I have to accept it before I can move forward. And, of course, no one else can change my body for me. Whether I feel it's fair or not to be the way I am and regardless of whether I accept it as a result of my own actions, no one can lose the weight for me. I have to be the one to fix it, even if I feel like I'm not the one who caused me to be fat in the first place.

So, that's what I'm trying to do and now I've got 7 sugar-free days under my belt, which I hope will translate into much fewer pounds under my belt down the road. I want to thank everyone who's been supportive of me in eating healthy and encouraging me to keep going, even when I feel like I've failed. I know I have to be the one to change, but I couldn't do it alone either.

p.s. I'll just put in a plug here for Elder Uchtdorf's talk in this last Priesthood Session on Patience. It's AMAZING and been a very timely message for me.

I already know I'll be eating out twice next week, so my goal is to make healthier choices and not overdo it on anything. I feel confident that I can successfully navigate eating out now that I've had this week to encourage me and help me remember that eating healthy really does make a difference in how I feel and I really do want to feel good!

"Bring Your Blog to Work" Day!

I thought since my sis was having so much fun documenting her daily life in the PRC, I thought, "why not document mine?" The photos* below outline my journey through work on a typical day.

*Click on a photo to see it enlarged.

I arrive. This is what my building looks like from where I park. (No, I'm not forced to park out in BFE, but it's just something I do to encourage more daily walking.)

By the by, it was a pretty morning!

Here is our reception desk that I walk past every morning.

Here is the big logo I pass as well. I go just around the corner to the left to clock in.

Me clocking in. (7:15am - right on time!)

Here is the LONG hall I walk down to the secure area of the building.

Here we are! Quick lean to the right to wave my badge in front of the security... thingy.

Here's the next hall! An immediate turn to the left...

...and I'm at my department. We are smak dab in the middle of the building with no sky lights or windows. Lame.

I walk straight ahead a bit, then turn right.

Straight ahead to the first left.

Hit the "clr" button on the copy machine as I walk past because I'm Monk-ishly OCD and say hi to the pretend greenery. Turning right.

My cubie is the last on the left.

You can tell because it has my name on it...

Here's looking into one corner...

...here's the other.

This is my fun wall. It's fun! Lots of China stuff from Reb!

This is my POV (point of view) just before I log in to my computer.

This is me working. (for those of you who are frequent visitors, I just happen to be wearing my Orange Sweater again - I promise, I've only worn it to work, like, three times now. And, memo to me, didn't realize it brought out my bald spot so much... hmm... I'll have to think about that one...

Anyway, here is my co-worker. We are on the same team. We don't talk much. (J/K - she's at school a lot so I don't see her much anyway!)

Today wasn't typical in that we were going on a field trip. They just finished the SelectHealth building and were giving us a tour, so...

Here's the other end of the hall from where I entered the "secured" area - basically at the back door that is not open to the public.

Here we are on our way.

And here's the entrance we just left.

The new home of SelectHeath. It may look somewhat plain, but it really is a nice building.

This was in the elevator. Look how cute Loretta is, she's not usually so coy! By the way, on the far left, that is not red eye on Ashley; she is half dutch, half devil.

This is the view looking west from the third floor, at the end of our tour.

That's really about it. All in all, it was a typical day, excepting for our little excursion, and now it's time to go home. Back out the maze and down the long hall...

...this is me clocking out. 4:21pm - phew, long day!

There's Eli (my car) still waiting for me waaaaaay at the end of the parking lot.

"Bye, Employee Services Center, see you tomorrow!"

I just realized why I never documented my daily life before - way too boring!!