I am taking a break from studying for my anatomy final. I had three finals total to take, but I just took my second one today, so that just leaves my anatomy final on Friday. I am glad they were spread out. I've not been taking care of myself lately and I've had a hard time dealing with that and tyring to study; mostly the effects from not eating the best foods. I realize now that I was more stressed out than I thought and I didn't really do anything to manage the additional stress.
On top of finals, I have been trying to get all the materials together for my Grad School application. Bad timing, but I needed to get all my stuff together so that I could share it with my professors, of whom I'm asking for letters of recommendation. I need to ask them now so that they have the Christmas break to write those letters and so that they remember me. I submitted my application to the graduate school and once I have this semester's grades, I can apply to the department. On the plus side, I now have all my materials so I can submit everything once grades come out and I won't have to wait to apply - the deadline is by Feb 1st, but I don't want to procrastinate.
Since I haven't felt well (anxiety and depression) I've not been motivated to study and today was a close call. The test turned out to be easier than I thought it would, but I also know it was the worst I've done on a test. Anyway, the take home message for me was that I put off way to long what I should have done sooner. I really could have studied more, but I was more interested in eating and watching TV (which is how I avoid life usually).
I realized that part of the reason I am so stressed out is because I feel threatened. It's the fight or flight response kicking in and since I have nothing to fight, I "flight." Why should I feel threatened though? Well, I guess I feel threatened in the weight of decisions I am making about my future clashing with beliefs I have about myself. What do I mean by that? So here I am choosing to change careers, enroll in school, reduce my work schedule (and income) to practically nothing, feeling like my future and the rest of my life depend on these decisions, which is weighty enough as it is, then add to that feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I've always been a disappointment, or that I will fail in the crucial moments. It is a fact that I do have a history of failing and of disappointing people, including myself.
But choosing to go back to school and change careers is also choosing to believe that I can be different, that I can succeed. These two opposing beliefs are coming to a head at this point in my life and it's overwhelming to know what to do. It kind of feels like I was on the fault line of two continents that smashed together, expelling me into the air (like a volcano) and now I don't know where I'm going to land. So, no wonder I feel "threatened" and want to run away.
It's so strange to me to feel the battle going on inside between what I "know" and what I "feel." I want these things to match and I'm not quite sure how to do that. I want to know, logically, that I have worth AND feel that I have worth. I want to know that I can do hard things AND feel like I can do hard things. Right now I don't feel my own worth and I don't feel I can do hard things. Logically, I "know" that's not right, but I don't "feel" it. I suppose, trying to infuse some positivity here, that it is progress to at least be able to say that I know that I do have worth and that doing hard things is possible. There was a time when I didn't even believe that much about myself.
Much like a volcano that quiets after it releases magma, I'm hoping that developing some new beliefs about myself will help quiet the turmoil I've been experiencing as a result of my own dysfunctional behavior. I know my behavior will change when my beliefs change and that's something I need help with. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who will help me, but it takes time and I'm impatient. I always want the easy way out and I don't think this has an easy solution. But I know it has a solution and I pray that I will work it out soon!
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