School update

So, I love my classes! They are somewhat technical, things like phonetics and anatomy, but I LOVE learning about this stuff!! I know I am doing the right thing.

Sometimes, I still get scared though and think, is this really gonna work out? There is so much uncertainty still regarding my work schedule and, consequently, monetary implications. I go back and forth between worry and peace. I worry that I am doing the wrong thing or not doing enough. Then I sit back and realize that so much of what I've been through this last year has been guided by the Lord. So I know he's in charge and I know if I just trust him, and not get in his way, it will all work out. But it's SO not in my nature to just sit back and wait. I am way to much of a control freak - I hate uncertainty and I hate feeling like I'm doing nothing when there's so much I SHOULD be doing.

I also hate the word "should." It has the potential to carry so many negative connotations. If there is someting I "should" be doing, but don't, then I condemn myself for failing, i.e., I label myself a failure. (Yes, I am extremely hard on myself!) The thing is, I'm afraid that if I'm not hard on myself, then I'll get lazy or complacent somehow and that negative pressure is the only thing that's ever worked to motivate me to get anything done. But the older I get, the more I realize that the price I pay for that, the self-deprecation, is a bit too high in the long run and probably not worth the cost.

But change is hard. And takes faith. Which, ultimately, is a good thing. I know this is just another opportunity to stop worrying about what I should be doing, and stop agonizing about what I'm not doing, and focus on what I can do. I've never been good at functioning within my sphere of control, I'm usually focusing on my limits (or even what's outside my limits). I suppose feeling powerless can be fairly common, which is probably why the concept of focusing on what can be controlled is part of the twelve-step process.

So I don't know what my future holds, but for the moment, I think I'm in just the right place. I am happy in school and feel like that is as much a confirmation as anything else that I'm doing what I "should" be doing.