There are two weeks of the semester left. This is the last week of class and next week are finals. We finished up clients last week and are doing final paperwork this week. We are in the home stretch and I feel anxious to be done with this semester!! Summer should be interesting. I'm not excited to be in school during the summer, but I am anxious to get through the program. I have Summer and Fall with classes and clients and then my final semester is Externships and one class. So, I have just one year left and I expect it's going to go pretty quickly now.
I have to apply now for externships, which I've done, but I have no idea how that's going to work out. Basically, we sign up for school credit, which means we have to pay tuition, and then get we the privilege of working for someone for 10 weeks with no time off or breaks. Sounds like fun right? The tradeoff is that we actually get work experience and all of the 2nd years I've talked to have enjoyed the experience. They all say it's worth it. I am looking forward to getting to that point!
Thanks for all the support everyone. I know I haven't been around much and I haven't been involved in the get-togethers and parties and such. It's been hard to find time to stay connected with people, but I appreciate all the encouragement! It keeps me going and I really need it right now!!
Two weeks to grad school "bump-day!"
Monday, April 23, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Panic Attack
Never had one... until now! So, I haven't been sleeping well and consequently not feeling well and consequently not making the best eating choices and consequently not feeling well and consequently not sleeping well... vicious cycle, yada, yada, yada.
The other morning (2am? 3am?, I forget...), I'm laying in bed and I stretch and yawn... and then my heart starts defibrillating... okay, maybe that's not the right word, but seriously, my heart was racing and beating totally irregularly and I thought "if I move or do anything to exert myself in any degree I'm going to die!"
BAM!
Panic Attack!
It may have only lasted 30-60 seconds, but it felt longer. And it was terrifying. I knew immediately why - pressure from school. I have been so overwhelmed this semester that I think I have been suppressing how much it's actually affecting me. The previous years students all say that this is probably the worst semester and it gets better, but dang! I don't want to live like this ever!!
There's another component though that I haven't mentioned. My self-esteem took a hit recently and I think that was enough to put me over the edge. Not that the "hit" was anything new or substantial in and of itself, but I think what it did is knock the block off all the work I've done trying to be more positive and brought up a whole host of old beliefs that I thought I had dealt with. Just when I thought I was making such good progress - Surprise! There they are, lurking under the surface, ready to pull me back down into the sledge of "not good enough;" the slime of "worthless;" the tar of "fat and ugly."
If adding "overwhelming workload" to "destined to fail" isn't a perfect recipe for a heart attack - I don't know what is. So, bad timing, I guess, is what this all amounts to.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Even some who will call me out on my s*** (pardon my asterisks!)!! But it's true. I had a good reminder that these old thought patterns are a choice I make. If I choose to believe them, then yes, they are true - but only because I CHOOSE to believe them. And where is it written that I have to believe them? If it's a choice to believe negative things, isn't just as a much a choice to believe positive things? It's strange, but I think old beliefs are hard to overcome because 1) it's what we know (and sometimes all we know) and 2) what we've lived with all our lives becomes comfortable - like becoming desensitized to something painful... we live with it for so long that we come to think of it as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not healthy.
My panic attack came on because I chose to believe that I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't handle the workload, or that I wasn't worth it, not because of the workload itself. How grateful I am for this realization!! The fact that I see these connections means I am separated enough from it that I know I can be different and that I can continue to remove those old negative beliefs. I know I am fighting a brain that's been hardwired (which is why I think those old beliefs are still "in there"), but I also know that I can consciously choose to REWIRE my brain. I know it will take consistent and conscientious effort, but it can be done!!
(Which makes me wonder, does anyone know how long it takes to rewire a brain?)
The other morning (2am? 3am?, I forget...), I'm laying in bed and I stretch and yawn... and then my heart starts defibrillating... okay, maybe that's not the right word, but seriously, my heart was racing and beating totally irregularly and I thought "if I move or do anything to exert myself in any degree I'm going to die!"
BAM!
Panic Attack!
It may have only lasted 30-60 seconds, but it felt longer. And it was terrifying. I knew immediately why - pressure from school. I have been so overwhelmed this semester that I think I have been suppressing how much it's actually affecting me. The previous years students all say that this is probably the worst semester and it gets better, but dang! I don't want to live like this ever!!
There's another component though that I haven't mentioned. My self-esteem took a hit recently and I think that was enough to put me over the edge. Not that the "hit" was anything new or substantial in and of itself, but I think what it did is knock the block off all the work I've done trying to be more positive and brought up a whole host of old beliefs that I thought I had dealt with. Just when I thought I was making such good progress - Surprise! There they are, lurking under the surface, ready to pull me back down into the sledge of "not good enough;" the slime of "worthless;" the tar of "fat and ugly."
If adding "overwhelming workload" to "destined to fail" isn't a perfect recipe for a heart attack - I don't know what is. So, bad timing, I guess, is what this all amounts to.
Fortunately, I have good friends. Even some who will call me out on my s*** (pardon my asterisks!)!! But it's true. I had a good reminder that these old thought patterns are a choice I make. If I choose to believe them, then yes, they are true - but only because I CHOOSE to believe them. And where is it written that I have to believe them? If it's a choice to believe negative things, isn't just as a much a choice to believe positive things? It's strange, but I think old beliefs are hard to overcome because 1) it's what we know (and sometimes all we know) and 2) what we've lived with all our lives becomes comfortable - like becoming desensitized to something painful... we live with it for so long that we come to think of it as normal. But it's not normal. And it's not healthy.
My panic attack came on because I chose to believe that I wasn't good enough and that I couldn't handle the workload, or that I wasn't worth it, not because of the workload itself. How grateful I am for this realization!! The fact that I see these connections means I am separated enough from it that I know I can be different and that I can continue to remove those old negative beliefs. I know I am fighting a brain that's been hardwired (which is why I think those old beliefs are still "in there"), but I also know that I can consciously choose to REWIRE my brain. I know it will take consistent and conscientious effort, but it can be done!!
(Which makes me wonder, does anyone know how long it takes to rewire a brain?)
Friday, April 6, 2012
Jazz fan
So, I decided to go to a Jazz game with some friends of mine from "the program." It was the Jazz versus the Pheonix Suns and it was off the heezy!! I don't know how else to say it - what a great game! Literally, the final score was decided by milliseconds, which could have put the game in overtime, but it wasn't meant to be and the Jazz lost 105 to 107 - heartbreaking, but the Sun's really needed it! My friend is a Suns fan (which is putting it mildly) and he told me I had to decide by half-time what my team was going to be. It was tough, Steve Nash was awesome and the Suns were good, but I thought the Jazz were playing better as a team, however, they were also "fouling" all over the place, which was giving the Sun's some points...
I was torn.
But then something happened to change all that...
...so now it's official...
I was torn.
But then something happened to change all that...
...so now it's official...
I'm a Jazz fan!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Stuff
I didn't even realize Easter is this weekend. I am literally taking things one day at a time. I can't remember the last time I felt this overwhlemed. I know there's only a few weeks left and I know I can get through it, but it's seriously one of the hardest semester's I've had.
One of the complicating factors is feeling like I haven't done anything to help my clients this semester. I'm sure I probably have and yes, seeing results from some therapy takes awhile, but I still feel a little bit useless. I am trying to remind myself that I am just a student and should not hold myself to a higher standard - but I do. I want to help these people and I guess I take it a little too personally. I have to remember that I am only one part of the process - they are the other and I can only do so much. It was one of the reasons I wanted to be an SLP in the first place, I just didn't realize how hard it would be for me NOT to hold myself completely responsible for their progress.
With Summer I'll be halfway through the program - crazy. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to end up. I do know that I'll be happy, but I would also love to have some more certainty about HOW things are going to work out. Oh well. Add it to the list of things I need to learn from Grad School...
p.s. GenCon 182 was great! I only fell asleep a couple of times - which for me is really, really good!! There were definitely some messages I needed to hear - I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's and Elder Nelson's talks.
One of the complicating factors is feeling like I haven't done anything to help my clients this semester. I'm sure I probably have and yes, seeing results from some therapy takes awhile, but I still feel a little bit useless. I am trying to remind myself that I am just a student and should not hold myself to a higher standard - but I do. I want to help these people and I guess I take it a little too personally. I have to remember that I am only one part of the process - they are the other and I can only do so much. It was one of the reasons I wanted to be an SLP in the first place, I just didn't realize how hard it would be for me NOT to hold myself completely responsible for their progress.
With Summer I'll be halfway through the program - crazy. I have no idea what's going to happen and where I'm going to end up. I do know that I'll be happy, but I would also love to have some more certainty about HOW things are going to work out. Oh well. Add it to the list of things I need to learn from Grad School...
p.s. GenCon 182 was great! I only fell asleep a couple of times - which for me is really, really good!! There were definitely some messages I needed to hear - I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's and Elder Nelson's talks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)