Black Holes suck. Literally and figuratively. Theoretically, they spew. Radiation. But whatever, I'm not a scientist. Where am I going with this? Not a clue. I'll just keep typing and see what happens...
Some things that are my life's black holes: Negative Thoughts. Sugar. Movies/TV. They are black holes because they suck away my energy and/or time. Why are time and energy so valuable that we mourn their loss, then regret having lost them and then think we can somehow cheat and spend money to buy them back? I want to believe there is a quickfix to my problems, a magic pill, so to speak. I don't think I'm alone in that and it gives me some sympathy for people who become desparate and trade the magic pill for a magic bullet to solve their problems. Now, don't freak out on me, I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I'm walking in someone else's shoes right now and feeling some empathy.
There is no quick fix and no magic pill (or bullet for that matter). I think my biggest black hole has been desperately wanting to find one, but knowing I never will.
That's kind of depressing, isn't it? Sorry. Depression is a side-effect of carbs for me. It should be apparent that I have not eaten well this week.... I guess, upon further reflection, I'm not so much depressed as stuck. It's a hard thing to realize that the only way out of something is through it. Then it's harder to feel like you don't have the ability TO get through it.
It's like looking at the mouth of a long dark tunnel, knowing that walking through it is the only way to go, but so afraid of the dark that you're paralized from taking that first step. It's so much easier to lay down and wait for someone to come along and take your hand and lead you through it. It takes many years to realize that no one's coming.
If I'm honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that only reason no one's coming is because the only One who can, already did. He already walked through the tunnel and it's up to me to follow... or not. Can I follow? I don't know... that's why I'm stuck. I know what I NEED to do, I just don't believe I CAN do it. Enter the negative thought black hole...
Wow, I really had no intention of blogging about this, but I think I did because I need advice. How have any of you out there faced your fears? How do you find the courage to take that first step...?
2 comments:
I know this sounds cliche, but the first step is just taking the step. I don't have any other advice. It is hard for me too, right now. I am afraid to job search because I'm afraid I won't find anything. But if I don't look, for sure I really won't find anything! So I guess the other piece of advice I have is: don't decide you know the outcome before you start.
Love you!
I agree with your sis...just take a step. Even a baby step and be nice to yourself along the way. I read some great advice a few years ago that I try to remember "be nice to yourself when you are learning or doing something new." It's scary, but you know that you are not alone. Try to replace yourself self-talk with more loving support and talk to yourself like you do a friend. I really struggled with this for a long time and I knew I hit a turning point when my new self-talk said "don't call me stupid" to the old chatter. :o) Sounds crazy, I know...but it's true.
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