Since there are no comments on my Kefi post, I am going to take that as a No - which makes sense, now that I think about it. If I can't find it, why should I ask anyone else to tell me where it is? Oh well! I'm sure it'll turn up eventually.
On the plus side, I have news about school. I was accepted at the University of Utah, again. This time for a 2nd Bachelors in Communication Disorders. I will be taking a couple of years worth of classes and then applying for the Master's Program. I am SO flipping excited!! I never thought I would be this excited to go back to school, but I am. (I am also taking that as a really good sign that I am doing the right thing.) I start this Fall and, frankly, can't start soon enough.
It's strange, some days I'm happy at work (probably because I know it's not permanent) and other times I feel like it's the worst drudgery known to mankind (probably because it's not rewarding in the ways that I need). I felt bad when my co-worker T. read a previous post where I said it was a job and not a career, and T. said it IS a career for them (sorry T!). Well no offense to anyone in HR. I've done it for 8-9 years and while T. was right, it can be a career, I just meant that it isn't a long-term career option for me.
I think I will like Speech Therapy for a ton of reasons, but one of the most important is that it's a career where I can help people, but not earn a lot of accolades, if that makes sense. I like the thought of helping people, but then having them be able to look back and feel good about the hard work THEY did to improve.
I imagine the most rewarding thing out there is to help someone else realize their own potential. I don't feel like I had that in my own life. That's not to say that there weren't people to help me along the way, because there most certainly were. I just never felt that I consistently had anyone in my corner, rooting for me. I felt like I've struggled my whole life to understand why I should improve when I don't feel that anyone else around me cared if I did or not. I know I'm hoppin' the train to Martyrsville here, and I don't mean to do that.
I blame perception. There were (and are) people who care about seeing me improve, but for a long time I couldn't see it and that made me feel pretty worthless and lonely. It's been a hard thing to "learn" how to feel worth and I still have a lot to learn. But I'm much better than I was and that's partly due to the wonderful people who have influenced my life. I know that I could not be where I am today without the love and support of family and friends (so THANK YOU to everyone reading this!) and I also know that my Father in Heaven has orchestrated every good thing that has happened to me and has guided me to meet those who have loved and supported me. I really feel like I am surrounded by the best people on Earth and I know it's not through any merit of mine.
To whomever might be reading this: Thanks for being there helping me when I've needed you.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Has anyone seen my Kefi?
I recently watched the 2nd season of Chuck and I love this show. I really do like lots of different kinds of shows (except reality shows - I hate it when reality becomes scripted... it's no longer "real," but I digress...), however I seem to gravitate to certain kinds of shows. Some of my favorite shows, past or present, are (in no particular order): 30 Rock, Alias, X-Files, Medium, Lost, Numbers, Fringe, Bones, Chuck, Pushing Daisies, Star Trek: TNG, 3rd Rock From the Sun, etc. (This list doesn't even include British TV Shows or Cartoons!)
While I think I have a range of interests, I do seem to gravitate to some of the more sci-fi-ish types of shows. While watching Chuck, which is a spy "dramedy" I was asking myself why I liked this show so much. The answer was, I watch those shows and think, what would I do in that situation? Which I know is totally ridiculous because it's tv, not real life, but what if...?
That's when I realized I have no Kefi. Has anyone out there seen the movie My Life in Ruins? I actually really like that movie and part of the plot is Nia Vardalos' character trying to find her Kefi. It doesn't have an exact English translation, but it incorporates the themes of passion, dreams, fun, excitement, spirit, etc.
I don't think I have any Kefi in my life, so I find it in these shows which allow me a chance to "escape" reality for a time and think about how exciting it would be to be a spy; having to use your wits, that rush of controlled adrenaline in dangerous situations, kung fu-ing the crap out of the bad guys... I think that would be fun. Now, I should just say, for the sake of honesty, I have no illusions about what I'm capable of in real life and if I were to be a spy, I would be dead in 3.5 seconds. But, it's fun to think about anyway.
So, where does Kefi come from and where do I find it? I guess what I'm basically saying is that I realized that I don't have anything in my life to be passionate about. I may have lots of interests and hobbies, stuff like art and cooking, etc., but nothing that I really feel passionate about. I don't have that thing that I really "live" for, ya know?
How do I find my Kefi?
While I think I have a range of interests, I do seem to gravitate to some of the more sci-fi-ish types of shows. While watching Chuck, which is a spy "dramedy" I was asking myself why I liked this show so much. The answer was, I watch those shows and think, what would I do in that situation? Which I know is totally ridiculous because it's tv, not real life, but what if...?
That's when I realized I have no Kefi. Has anyone out there seen the movie My Life in Ruins? I actually really like that movie and part of the plot is Nia Vardalos' character trying to find her Kefi. It doesn't have an exact English translation, but it incorporates the themes of passion, dreams, fun, excitement, spirit, etc.
I don't think I have any Kefi in my life, so I find it in these shows which allow me a chance to "escape" reality for a time and think about how exciting it would be to be a spy; having to use your wits, that rush of controlled adrenaline in dangerous situations, kung fu-ing the crap out of the bad guys... I think that would be fun. Now, I should just say, for the sake of honesty, I have no illusions about what I'm capable of in real life and if I were to be a spy, I would be dead in 3.5 seconds. But, it's fun to think about anyway.
So, where does Kefi come from and where do I find it? I guess what I'm basically saying is that I realized that I don't have anything in my life to be passionate about. I may have lots of interests and hobbies, stuff like art and cooking, etc., but nothing that I really feel passionate about. I don't have that thing that I really "live" for, ya know?
How do I find my Kefi?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
misc
I don't really have anything to say. I just didn't want to look at my orange sweater picture anymore.
That picture does remind me, I was going to show you some Chinese Lanterns that I made when our work celebrated Chinese New Year:
There are a couple that aren't in this photo because I gave them away. But the one on the far right is my favorite. I had a lot of fun playing with different designs (the ones that are missing are more square), but I will probably never do that again. It took a lot of time and trying to figure out how to get the tissue paper inside was a challenge.
Since I'm online, I guess I'll just keep typing my thoughts...
I had a rough day at work today. I won't go into details, but I didn't feel very supported and it kind of ticked me off. I am dealing with it and trying to just let it go, but I'll admit, it hurt a little. The only reason I mention it, is because it brought on a HUGE oreo craving! I don't usually even like oreo's that much, but it was all I could think about. I'd just read "YOU On A Diet," so I was totally aware that my emotional state was driving this craving, but just kowing that didn't make it go away. Actually, it still hasn't. But then I prayed and thought about all the reason's why I am trying NOT to eat that stuff and it helped my resolve. It didn't take the craving away, but it helped me decide to go to the gym, rather than the store... which was a mini-victory for me today. But I still want the friggin' cookie...
One thing I've been trying to do is connect what I want in my future with my choices today. I know that probably sounds lame and remedial, but it occured to me the other day that I've spent most of my life wanting better, but not really doing anything about it. (Picture me sitting slouched on my comfortable couch with a bag of oreos perched on my tummy mindlessly inserting cookie after cookie into my mouth wondering when I'm going to lose weight... Okay, maybe don't picture that because that's just embarassing, but you get my point.) Now, when I'm faced with a craving, or I think I'm too tired to exercise, I think about what I want my life to be in the future and I ask, "is eating this bag of oreos going to help me get to that future, or take away from it?" The answer is obvious and it helps me keep perspective, and to realize that 9 times out of 10, I really don't want to eat badly or avoid exercise, but I just need to focus on correcting whatever is affecting me emotionally at the moment.
It's not fool-proof by any means, but it's helped. It definitely takes practice. But if it influences even a few decisions, then I figure I'll be better off in the long run because every little bit helps, or so I've heard it said.
Does anyone else have those kinds of struggles? Or does anyone else have any tips that work for them? Please share...
That picture does remind me, I was going to show you some Chinese Lanterns that I made when our work celebrated Chinese New Year:
There are a couple that aren't in this photo because I gave them away. But the one on the far right is my favorite. I had a lot of fun playing with different designs (the ones that are missing are more square), but I will probably never do that again. It took a lot of time and trying to figure out how to get the tissue paper inside was a challenge.
Since I'm online, I guess I'll just keep typing my thoughts...
I had a rough day at work today. I won't go into details, but I didn't feel very supported and it kind of ticked me off. I am dealing with it and trying to just let it go, but I'll admit, it hurt a little. The only reason I mention it, is because it brought on a HUGE oreo craving! I don't usually even like oreo's that much, but it was all I could think about. I'd just read "YOU On A Diet," so I was totally aware that my emotional state was driving this craving, but just kowing that didn't make it go away. Actually, it still hasn't. But then I prayed and thought about all the reason's why I am trying NOT to eat that stuff and it helped my resolve. It didn't take the craving away, but it helped me decide to go to the gym, rather than the store... which was a mini-victory for me today. But I still want the friggin' cookie...
One thing I've been trying to do is connect what I want in my future with my choices today. I know that probably sounds lame and remedial, but it occured to me the other day that I've spent most of my life wanting better, but not really doing anything about it. (Picture me sitting slouched on my comfortable couch with a bag of oreos perched on my tummy mindlessly inserting cookie after cookie into my mouth wondering when I'm going to lose weight... Okay, maybe don't picture that because that's just embarassing, but you get my point.) Now, when I'm faced with a craving, or I think I'm too tired to exercise, I think about what I want my life to be in the future and I ask, "is eating this bag of oreos going to help me get to that future, or take away from it?" The answer is obvious and it helps me keep perspective, and to realize that 9 times out of 10, I really don't want to eat badly or avoid exercise, but I just need to focus on correcting whatever is affecting me emotionally at the moment.
It's not fool-proof by any means, but it's helped. It definitely takes practice. But if it influences even a few decisions, then I figure I'll be better off in the long run because every little bit helps, or so I've heard it said.
Does anyone else have those kinds of struggles? Or does anyone else have any tips that work for them? Please share...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Happy Birthday Dad!
Someone at work asked me if I was doing okay today; I guess I seemed a little sad. At first I said, "today is my dad's birthday," then corrected myself and said, "well, today would have been my dad's birthday." I've been thinking about how I still automatically refer to my dad in the present tense.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is not an accident. I refer to my dad in the present tense, because his spirit still lives.
It's rare, but I do feel his presence at times. And, because of my testimony of the Gospel, I know that he IS around. I miss his physical presence, which does make me sad. But referring to him in the present tense helps me feel like he's still around me and it's my way of acknowledging to him that I know he's there.
I have vascillated a lot today between peace and sadness. I feel sad for the things that we aren't able to share directly. I feel sad at the talks we can't have. I feel sad that I can't go to him for a blessing. (I realize that I feel sad for the things I'm missing out on by not having him around. I don't necessarily feel bad for him because I know he's where he's needed.)
But I think that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know he understands why I am, but I try to remind myself of the testimony I have of the resurrection and the joy of knowing that we will be with each other again. That brings me peace.
I have been wanting to do something to honor him and I've been thinking about that a lot today too. I came to two resolutions: 1) Blog about him. Check! 2) Be the best person I can be. I guess I think the best way to honor his memory is to do what he would want me to do, which is to become the best person I can be.
Just like I know he wouldn't want me to drown in despair over him, I don't think he would want to me succumb to the vices of the world. Of course, it's much easier said than done. But at least I want to publicly acknowledge that I really do want to be a better person. And if I can be, I want him to know that any success I achieve will be due, in part, to his example and influence.
Thanks, Dad, for always encouraging me to press forward. I'm glad you're still "around" and I can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday!
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is not an accident. I refer to my dad in the present tense, because his spirit still lives.
It's rare, but I do feel his presence at times. And, because of my testimony of the Gospel, I know that he IS around. I miss his physical presence, which does make me sad. But referring to him in the present tense helps me feel like he's still around me and it's my way of acknowledging to him that I know he's there.
I have vascillated a lot today between peace and sadness. I feel sad for the things that we aren't able to share directly. I feel sad at the talks we can't have. I feel sad that I can't go to him for a blessing. (I realize that I feel sad for the things I'm missing out on by not having him around. I don't necessarily feel bad for him because I know he's where he's needed.)
But I think that he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know he understands why I am, but I try to remind myself of the testimony I have of the resurrection and the joy of knowing that we will be with each other again. That brings me peace.
I have been wanting to do something to honor him and I've been thinking about that a lot today too. I came to two resolutions: 1) Blog about him. Check! 2) Be the best person I can be. I guess I think the best way to honor his memory is to do what he would want me to do, which is to become the best person I can be.
Just like I know he wouldn't want me to drown in despair over him, I don't think he would want to me succumb to the vices of the world. Of course, it's much easier said than done. But at least I want to publicly acknowledge that I really do want to be a better person. And if I can be, I want him to know that any success I achieve will be due, in part, to his example and influence.
Thanks, Dad, for always encouraging me to press forward. I'm glad you're still "around" and I can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday!
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