So I've been watching Season 5 of Doctor Who, as you may have gathered from my previous post of yesterday! I think my favorite episode at the moment is Vincent and the Doctor. I put a clip below of the last few minutes of the episode.
Vincent Van Gogh had a bit of a crush on Amy Pond and she was hoping to make a difference in his life. Her unvoiced hope had been to encourage him enough not to take his own life so he could produce more art. I love this clip for the advice the Doctor gives Amy. It's a good message in general, but it was one I needed to be reminded of. Hope you like it too!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
How cute is she?!?
I usually have lots of fleeting crushes. Right now, it's Karen Gillan from Season 5 of Doctor Who...
Seriously, how cute is she?
Seriously, how cute is she?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
My weekend
I went to Idaho this weekend. It was kind of last minute, but it turned out to be a good time to go - the weather was wonderful over the weekend for a change!!! It was a good time to go, but it was a hard trip.
My grandpa has cancer. The doctors did not give him a life expectancy timeframe. They directed him to hospice. When my dad had cancer they only called hospice when they new he was at the end. So, even though the doctors did not give my grandpa a timeline, the implication was clear - he doesn't have much time left. One of the reasons they didn't give him a timeline, though, is because they said there was too much uncertainty; it could be a week, it could be a year - they just don't know.
So I went knowing it could be the last time I would see him. Watching a loved one go through cancer is hard enough, but there are other reasons why this is hard. My dad passed away on March 11, 2007, so naturally, this time of year is hard because it brings all those memories back. Also, my grandma has Alzheimers. She gets disoriented and not sure where anything is, her own home feels foreign to her. All she knows is that her husband is hurting and she can't do anything about it, so she just cries. That's really hard on my grandpa. She gets in these ruts of asking the same question over and over and it drives him crazy. He knows she can't help it, but it still wears on him.
He spoke in church on Sunday and announced to the ward what was going on; previously, no one knew. I appreciated his testimony of enduring to the end and he is a great example of faith.
I've had my share of therapy over the years and one of the things that has always been helpful for me has been to talk things out. But my relationship with my grandparents has waned over the the last many years where I do not feel comfortable talking about personal things; although I've wanted them to know how I feel. I wrote them a letter explaining what happened that caused me to distance myself from them and I hope they can at least be understanding of what I experienced. It wasn't as good as being able to talk, but it was a start and at the very least, they will know why I have been so distant; that I wasn't just ungrateful, but that I had a reason for it.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on this monstrous test I have to take tomorrow! I was hoping to get caught up this weekend, but I can't study while traveling, so I am not ready for this test. I took the day off work today and I think I am making some headway, but I know it won't be enough. I am using this as a learning opportunity, however, and I see where I need to improve to be more diligent. Now I just need to prepare myself for the horrible grade I'm about to get on this test!!
My grandpa has cancer. The doctors did not give him a life expectancy timeframe. They directed him to hospice. When my dad had cancer they only called hospice when they new he was at the end. So, even though the doctors did not give my grandpa a timeline, the implication was clear - he doesn't have much time left. One of the reasons they didn't give him a timeline, though, is because they said there was too much uncertainty; it could be a week, it could be a year - they just don't know.
So I went knowing it could be the last time I would see him. Watching a loved one go through cancer is hard enough, but there are other reasons why this is hard. My dad passed away on March 11, 2007, so naturally, this time of year is hard because it brings all those memories back. Also, my grandma has Alzheimers. She gets disoriented and not sure where anything is, her own home feels foreign to her. All she knows is that her husband is hurting and she can't do anything about it, so she just cries. That's really hard on my grandpa. She gets in these ruts of asking the same question over and over and it drives him crazy. He knows she can't help it, but it still wears on him.
He spoke in church on Sunday and announced to the ward what was going on; previously, no one knew. I appreciated his testimony of enduring to the end and he is a great example of faith.
I've had my share of therapy over the years and one of the things that has always been helpful for me has been to talk things out. But my relationship with my grandparents has waned over the the last many years where I do not feel comfortable talking about personal things; although I've wanted them to know how I feel. I wrote them a letter explaining what happened that caused me to distance myself from them and I hope they can at least be understanding of what I experienced. It wasn't as good as being able to talk, but it was a start and at the very least, they will know why I have been so distant; that I wasn't just ungrateful, but that I had a reason for it.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on this monstrous test I have to take tomorrow! I was hoping to get caught up this weekend, but I can't study while traveling, so I am not ready for this test. I took the day off work today and I think I am making some headway, but I know it won't be enough. I am using this as a learning opportunity, however, and I see where I need to improve to be more diligent. Now I just need to prepare myself for the horrible grade I'm about to get on this test!!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Templates
Well I did end up doing my taxes. And I get a refund, so that is nice! Only I was annoyed that I had to select the "wait for a check" option, because when I went to the library I hadn't "planned" on doing my taxes, so I didn't have my bank routing number and such. Lame. Another reason why I hate not having the internet at home, but in the end, it's saving me money and I can live with waiting a few weeks for my check.
Switching gears: You know how blogs have "templates" you can follow? Well, I have been thinking about templates in the mind. (Yes, I am nerdy enough to wonder about this on a regular day, but this thought also coincides with my Language Development class where we are talking about language as a construct of the mind vs. biological function, and how they influence each other, etc.) By template I mean the beliefs through which I navigate the world. Some people refer to this as a "belief window" or a "belief filter" all of which catch the essence of what I mean by a template. Anyway, what I've decided is that my template has been all wrong.
I won't go into all the reasons, but I have been approaching the world (and my relationships for the most part) with the belief that I am inadequate or inferior in some way; i.e., that I don't "measure up." Most of the problems I have in life, either stem from, or are connected to this belief. It makes sense that I would be afraid of a lot of things. It makes sense that I would hesitate to really pursue a better life for myself. It's because I've been working from this template of inferiority. In other words, I go out into the world saying I want validation, but even when I get it, it doesn't mean anything because I'm viewing it in a framework of not being good enough. Like why I have such a problem accepting compliments.
It's actually a relief to me to make this realization. I know I won't be able to change it overnight, but being aware means that I CAN change it. I really feel that this inspiration is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I want to change and he knows how much I want to understand Agency this year. This is the perfect opportunity for me to do that; to use the agency he's given me to choose a different template. To decide that I am going to learn how to approach life with courage, rather than fear.
Now if I can just figure out how to change the template on my blog...
Switching gears: You know how blogs have "templates" you can follow? Well, I have been thinking about templates in the mind. (Yes, I am nerdy enough to wonder about this on a regular day, but this thought also coincides with my Language Development class where we are talking about language as a construct of the mind vs. biological function, and how they influence each other, etc.) By template I mean the beliefs through which I navigate the world. Some people refer to this as a "belief window" or a "belief filter" all of which catch the essence of what I mean by a template. Anyway, what I've decided is that my template has been all wrong.
I won't go into all the reasons, but I have been approaching the world (and my relationships for the most part) with the belief that I am inadequate or inferior in some way; i.e., that I don't "measure up." Most of the problems I have in life, either stem from, or are connected to this belief. It makes sense that I would be afraid of a lot of things. It makes sense that I would hesitate to really pursue a better life for myself. It's because I've been working from this template of inferiority. In other words, I go out into the world saying I want validation, but even when I get it, it doesn't mean anything because I'm viewing it in a framework of not being good enough. Like why I have such a problem accepting compliments.
It's actually a relief to me to make this realization. I know I won't be able to change it overnight, but being aware means that I CAN change it. I really feel that this inspiration is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knows how much I want to change and he knows how much I want to understand Agency this year. This is the perfect opportunity for me to do that; to use the agency he's given me to choose a different template. To decide that I am going to learn how to approach life with courage, rather than fear.
Now if I can just figure out how to change the template on my blog...
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Attacks (of the Mundane and Peppers)
I hate it when I don't have anything to do! Well, I guess that's not entirely accurate. I hate it when I have unstructured free time, wherein I have things that I can do, but nothing I HAVE to do. I have this thing where I feel like if I'm not multi-tasking, or at the very least, just being productive every second of every day, then I am lazy. I don't know where that started, but I want to be able to take a "day off" and be okay with that. I think balance in life is essential, I guess I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
Today is a mundane day. I got done all of the things that I "had" to do and then looked at the clock: 11:30am. Which means I have basically a whole day to do whatever. AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!
I could have done my dishes, but they can wait. I could have vacuumed/swept/mopped... eh, that can wait too. I could have plopped down on the couch and zoned out watching a movie or read a book... eh, too lazy. I could have sat down and finally read my textbooks, i.e., do my homework... eh.
I decided to go to the library. Which is where I am right this second. I am downloading all the shows I missed this week and will probably break down and do my taxes here in a few minutes. Maybe then I'll think about doing my homework. Maybe.
Maybe it's because the day outside is cold and rainy. I really want pizza, but I am trying to do better at controlling what I eat. Which for me means NOT mindlessly shoving whatever's at hand into my face, or going out to get fast food because, again, I'm too lazy to fix something.
Funny story: So, a lot of people around me have either been sick, or talk about how their siblings/relatives are in some way deathly ill. I decided to alter my stew recipe and make one with some spicy kick to it to keep my immune system boosted. (It turned out to be more of a sauce than a stew, but that's not really the point here.) I was sauteeing some bell peppers and some jalapeno peppers. While I was chopping up some leeks and garlic I realized the heat was up too high and some of the peppers started burning. I dropped what I was doing, ran over and turned down the heat and added some more oil to the pan. Ultimately, I saved the stew, but..., BUT, my entire apartment smelled like burning peppers. I threw open all my windows (which is something I usually try to avoid in the dead o' winter) and turned the thermostat down to, like, 50. The cold air came on and started moving the "fumes" out. I say fumes because a moment or two later, I noticed that I kept dry-hacking and needed to drink a lot of water. I'm no "Mr. Wizard," but here's my theory: I'm guessing the capsaicin that gives peppers their "heat" doesn't really care if it's in solid, liquid or gas form. Furthermore, I'm also guessing that my lungs are not a fan of breathing in hot pepper smoke full of capsaisin. That's when I decided to leave my house*.
When I woke up this morning, I could still smell "roasted" peppers... I guess I'd rather smell jalapeno-y than get sick.
*My apologies to my neighbors, especially the ones living under me!!
Today is a mundane day. I got done all of the things that I "had" to do and then looked at the clock: 11:30am. Which means I have basically a whole day to do whatever. AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!
I could have done my dishes, but they can wait. I could have vacuumed/swept/mopped... eh, that can wait too. I could have plopped down on the couch and zoned out watching a movie or read a book... eh, too lazy. I could have sat down and finally read my textbooks, i.e., do my homework... eh.
I decided to go to the library. Which is where I am right this second. I am downloading all the shows I missed this week and will probably break down and do my taxes here in a few minutes. Maybe then I'll think about doing my homework. Maybe.
Maybe it's because the day outside is cold and rainy. I really want pizza, but I am trying to do better at controlling what I eat. Which for me means NOT mindlessly shoving whatever's at hand into my face, or going out to get fast food because, again, I'm too lazy to fix something.
Funny story: So, a lot of people around me have either been sick, or talk about how their siblings/relatives are in some way deathly ill. I decided to alter my stew recipe and make one with some spicy kick to it to keep my immune system boosted. (It turned out to be more of a sauce than a stew, but that's not really the point here.) I was sauteeing some bell peppers and some jalapeno peppers. While I was chopping up some leeks and garlic I realized the heat was up too high and some of the peppers started burning. I dropped what I was doing, ran over and turned down the heat and added some more oil to the pan. Ultimately, I saved the stew, but..., BUT, my entire apartment smelled like burning peppers. I threw open all my windows (which is something I usually try to avoid in the dead o' winter) and turned the thermostat down to, like, 50. The cold air came on and started moving the "fumes" out. I say fumes because a moment or two later, I noticed that I kept dry-hacking and needed to drink a lot of water. I'm no "Mr. Wizard," but here's my theory: I'm guessing the capsaicin that gives peppers their "heat" doesn't really care if it's in solid, liquid or gas form. Furthermore, I'm also guessing that my lungs are not a fan of breathing in hot pepper smoke full of capsaisin. That's when I decided to leave my house*.
When I woke up this morning, I could still smell "roasted" peppers... I guess I'd rather smell jalapeno-y than get sick.
*My apologies to my neighbors, especially the ones living under me!!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
School Update
So I turned in my application last Monday for Grad School. I find out in a couple of months if I got in... I feel good about it and I don't want to jinx it, still, I decided my best position is to be cautiously optimistic.
My classes this semester are great! I am taking Hearing Disorders, Speech Science, and Language Development. The only downside is that they are back to back, which means I am in class for 5 hours straight!! I love school, but even I have my limits. Oh well, it's only 4 months, right? Anyway, the classes are great and I am one semester closer to reaching my goals. This means that if I get in to grad school, I start this Fall and in two years my life is different.
I can't tell you how happy I am! There are moments when I feel that I am a "late bloomer." All of the friends I grew up with are married with children and I sometimes wonder if I am just too far behind the curve. But I think of two things that bring me comfort: I am not the same man I was a few years ago, and the Lord knows me.
What I mean by that is that I have had some battles that have direcly affected my sense of identity. There are many things that the challenges I've had in life have taught me and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. I used to be so afraid of everything. I used to have the worst self-esteem. But now I like myself. Now I can accept myself for who I am and I can "forgive" myself for not being perfect. I love who I am right now BECAUSE I'm a work in progress.
Also, I remember (and continue to learn) that the Lord knows me. He knows, not only what I need, but WHEN I need it. He is perfect, his plan is perfect and intervenes in my life perfectly. Because I know those things, I have confidence that I am exactly where I need to be. Late bloomer or not, I am doing the best I've ever done and I have the Lord to thank.
My classes this semester are great! I am taking Hearing Disorders, Speech Science, and Language Development. The only downside is that they are back to back, which means I am in class for 5 hours straight!! I love school, but even I have my limits. Oh well, it's only 4 months, right? Anyway, the classes are great and I am one semester closer to reaching my goals. This means that if I get in to grad school, I start this Fall and in two years my life is different.
I can't tell you how happy I am! There are moments when I feel that I am a "late bloomer." All of the friends I grew up with are married with children and I sometimes wonder if I am just too far behind the curve. But I think of two things that bring me comfort: I am not the same man I was a few years ago, and the Lord knows me.
What I mean by that is that I have had some battles that have direcly affected my sense of identity. There are many things that the challenges I've had in life have taught me and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. I used to be so afraid of everything. I used to have the worst self-esteem. But now I like myself. Now I can accept myself for who I am and I can "forgive" myself for not being perfect. I love who I am right now BECAUSE I'm a work in progress.
Also, I remember (and continue to learn) that the Lord knows me. He knows, not only what I need, but WHEN I need it. He is perfect, his plan is perfect and intervenes in my life perfectly. Because I know those things, I have confidence that I am exactly where I need to be. Late bloomer or not, I am doing the best I've ever done and I have the Lord to thank.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Grateful that Christmas was great!
Hey all! I hope you all had a nice Christmas. Mine was fantastic! I loved all the gifts I received and I'm glad my family liked the gifts I gave them! (I'm STILL singing "Troy and Abed in the Moooorning!")
I was overwhelmed at the gifts I received actually. I felt like I received too much! It made me very grateful for how Heavenly Father has provided so many things to meet my needs, but also just to enjoy. I know He truly cares about my well-being AND my happiness.
I sometimes think that having no trials would make me really happy, and He wants me to be happy, right? So I can ask Him to remove all my trials, right? Because it will make me happy, right? Well, He's too smart for that obviously... and I think, ultimately, He will put my well-being above my happiness, for which I am grateful. I know that sounds contradictory, but what I mean is that, while I know that He wants me to be happy, he also wants me to be a better man and sometimes that means going through experiences that challenge my happiness. In other words, he asks me, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be better?" (Knowing full well that being better means future happiness.)
But maybe that's too black and white. Happiness is not only a gift of the spirit, or a reward for obedience, it is also a choice I get to make. Heavenly Father could provide me every material comfort available in the world (think indoor movie theater and towel warmers in the bathroom!), which SHOULD make me happy, but if I choose not to be, then I won't be. How many times have I heard stories of people who are dirt poor, but still the happiest people on earth? Too many to count. Why are they happy? Because they choose to be! That's something I will do better at this next year.
I have a lot to be grateful for: the right people in my life at the right times (including family and friends), the gospel and the church, material needs met, etc. I think this next year is going to be really fantastic, especially because I choose to make it that way!!
I was overwhelmed at the gifts I received actually. I felt like I received too much! It made me very grateful for how Heavenly Father has provided so many things to meet my needs, but also just to enjoy. I know He truly cares about my well-being AND my happiness.
I sometimes think that having no trials would make me really happy, and He wants me to be happy, right? So I can ask Him to remove all my trials, right? Because it will make me happy, right? Well, He's too smart for that obviously... and I think, ultimately, He will put my well-being above my happiness, for which I am grateful. I know that sounds contradictory, but what I mean is that, while I know that He wants me to be happy, he also wants me to be a better man and sometimes that means going through experiences that challenge my happiness. In other words, he asks me, "do you want to be happy or do you want to be better?" (Knowing full well that being better means future happiness.)
But maybe that's too black and white. Happiness is not only a gift of the spirit, or a reward for obedience, it is also a choice I get to make. Heavenly Father could provide me every material comfort available in the world (think indoor movie theater and towel warmers in the bathroom!), which SHOULD make me happy, but if I choose not to be, then I won't be. How many times have I heard stories of people who are dirt poor, but still the happiest people on earth? Too many to count. Why are they happy? Because they choose to be! That's something I will do better at this next year.
I have a lot to be grateful for: the right people in my life at the right times (including family and friends), the gospel and the church, material needs met, etc. I think this next year is going to be really fantastic, especially because I choose to make it that way!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Christmas Testimony
I posted this last year, so rather than reposting it, I'll just give you the link. I hope you enjoy it!
I love how the British express their Christmas sentiment, so I have adopted it for myself:
Happy Christmas!
I love how the British express their Christmas sentiment, so I have adopted it for myself:
Happy Christmas!
Woohoo!!!
I just got my grades for this semester and guess what? Straight A's!!!! I've never gotten straight A's in my life! I am so happy and, quite honestly, shocked!
It's a Christmas miracle...
It's a Christmas miracle...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The Vesuvius of core beliefs
I am taking a break from studying for my anatomy final. I had three finals total to take, but I just took my second one today, so that just leaves my anatomy final on Friday. I am glad they were spread out. I've not been taking care of myself lately and I've had a hard time dealing with that and tyring to study; mostly the effects from not eating the best foods. I realize now that I was more stressed out than I thought and I didn't really do anything to manage the additional stress.
On top of finals, I have been trying to get all the materials together for my Grad School application. Bad timing, but I needed to get all my stuff together so that I could share it with my professors, of whom I'm asking for letters of recommendation. I need to ask them now so that they have the Christmas break to write those letters and so that they remember me. I submitted my application to the graduate school and once I have this semester's grades, I can apply to the department. On the plus side, I now have all my materials so I can submit everything once grades come out and I won't have to wait to apply - the deadline is by Feb 1st, but I don't want to procrastinate.
Since I haven't felt well (anxiety and depression) I've not been motivated to study and today was a close call. The test turned out to be easier than I thought it would, but I also know it was the worst I've done on a test. Anyway, the take home message for me was that I put off way to long what I should have done sooner. I really could have studied more, but I was more interested in eating and watching TV (which is how I avoid life usually).
I realized that part of the reason I am so stressed out is because I feel threatened. It's the fight or flight response kicking in and since I have nothing to fight, I "flight." Why should I feel threatened though? Well, I guess I feel threatened in the weight of decisions I am making about my future clashing with beliefs I have about myself. What do I mean by that? So here I am choosing to change careers, enroll in school, reduce my work schedule (and income) to practically nothing, feeling like my future and the rest of my life depend on these decisions, which is weighty enough as it is, then add to that feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I've always been a disappointment, or that I will fail in the crucial moments. It is a fact that I do have a history of failing and of disappointing people, including myself.
But choosing to go back to school and change careers is also choosing to believe that I can be different, that I can succeed. These two opposing beliefs are coming to a head at this point in my life and it's overwhelming to know what to do. It kind of feels like I was on the fault line of two continents that smashed together, expelling me into the air (like a volcano) and now I don't know where I'm going to land. So, no wonder I feel "threatened" and want to run away.
It's so strange to me to feel the battle going on inside between what I "know" and what I "feel." I want these things to match and I'm not quite sure how to do that. I want to know, logically, that I have worth AND feel that I have worth. I want to know that I can do hard things AND feel like I can do hard things. Right now I don't feel my own worth and I don't feel I can do hard things. Logically, I "know" that's not right, but I don't "feel" it. I suppose, trying to infuse some positivity here, that it is progress to at least be able to say that I know that I do have worth and that doing hard things is possible. There was a time when I didn't even believe that much about myself.
Much like a volcano that quiets after it releases magma, I'm hoping that developing some new beliefs about myself will help quiet the turmoil I've been experiencing as a result of my own dysfunctional behavior. I know my behavior will change when my beliefs change and that's something I need help with. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who will help me, but it takes time and I'm impatient. I always want the easy way out and I don't think this has an easy solution. But I know it has a solution and I pray that I will work it out soon!
On top of finals, I have been trying to get all the materials together for my Grad School application. Bad timing, but I needed to get all my stuff together so that I could share it with my professors, of whom I'm asking for letters of recommendation. I need to ask them now so that they have the Christmas break to write those letters and so that they remember me. I submitted my application to the graduate school and once I have this semester's grades, I can apply to the department. On the plus side, I now have all my materials so I can submit everything once grades come out and I won't have to wait to apply - the deadline is by Feb 1st, but I don't want to procrastinate.
Since I haven't felt well (anxiety and depression) I've not been motivated to study and today was a close call. The test turned out to be easier than I thought it would, but I also know it was the worst I've done on a test. Anyway, the take home message for me was that I put off way to long what I should have done sooner. I really could have studied more, but I was more interested in eating and watching TV (which is how I avoid life usually).
I realized that part of the reason I am so stressed out is because I feel threatened. It's the fight or flight response kicking in and since I have nothing to fight, I "flight." Why should I feel threatened though? Well, I guess I feel threatened in the weight of decisions I am making about my future clashing with beliefs I have about myself. What do I mean by that? So here I am choosing to change careers, enroll in school, reduce my work schedule (and income) to practically nothing, feeling like my future and the rest of my life depend on these decisions, which is weighty enough as it is, then add to that feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I've always been a disappointment, or that I will fail in the crucial moments. It is a fact that I do have a history of failing and of disappointing people, including myself.
But choosing to go back to school and change careers is also choosing to believe that I can be different, that I can succeed. These two opposing beliefs are coming to a head at this point in my life and it's overwhelming to know what to do. It kind of feels like I was on the fault line of two continents that smashed together, expelling me into the air (like a volcano) and now I don't know where I'm going to land. So, no wonder I feel "threatened" and want to run away.
It's so strange to me to feel the battle going on inside between what I "know" and what I "feel." I want these things to match and I'm not quite sure how to do that. I want to know, logically, that I have worth AND feel that I have worth. I want to know that I can do hard things AND feel like I can do hard things. Right now I don't feel my own worth and I don't feel I can do hard things. Logically, I "know" that's not right, but I don't "feel" it. I suppose, trying to infuse some positivity here, that it is progress to at least be able to say that I know that I do have worth and that doing hard things is possible. There was a time when I didn't even believe that much about myself.
Much like a volcano that quiets after it releases magma, I'm hoping that developing some new beliefs about myself will help quiet the turmoil I've been experiencing as a result of my own dysfunctional behavior. I know my behavior will change when my beliefs change and that's something I need help with. I know that I have a Father in Heaven who will help me, but it takes time and I'm impatient. I always want the easy way out and I don't think this has an easy solution. But I know it has a solution and I pray that I will work it out soon!
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