When I first learned about the Lantern Fest, I immediately had a desire to go - it was something I've seen other people do and I wanted to be a part of it. So I was really excited as I went to the website to purchase a ticket. I think my heart was even beating a little bit faster, so I was clearly anticipating the experience. But then something hit me - and it's not the first time I've felt this feeling. It's a mixture of sadness and regret. It hit me about the time I had to specify a ticket quantity - one.
I was super excited to be a part of something special and it hit me that I would be doing it alone. I didn't have anyone to share this with. I hesitated. I thought, "maybe next year, when I have someone to go with." I just about closed down the page, when I reflected on what was really going on. I was letting my feelings of loneliness decide my actions. I was keeping myself from experiencing something I really wanted because it wasn't going to be exactly the way I wanted it to be.
Did I want to go to Lantern Fest? You bet. Did I want to go with someone special? You bet. But did I HAVE to go with someone special...? No, not really. I think I tend to put conditions on lots of things and when all the conditions don't line up exactly as I want them to, I reject the entire experience. I limit myself and keep myself from experiencing anything remotely fun or exciting, simply because it's not how I'm "supposed" to experience it.
I didn't realize that I had been doing this because while I lived in Washington, I traveled by myself all the time. As much as I realized that I wanted to have someone special to share in my travels and experiences, I knew my time there was temporary - so I traveled. I saw some pretty great places and had some wonderful experiences that I will treasure forever. And I would have missed out on all of it if I had said, "maybe someday, when I have someone to share it with."
So I bought a ticket for one. And I decided that, yes, it probably would be more fun with someone to go with, but that didn't mean I couldn't have fun on my own. It's only now, as I type this, that I realize that this experience wasn't about being lonely; it wasn't about being single. It was about being okay with myself the way I am.
This is not something I'm good at! (Not a surprise for anyone who's read my blog!) My decision to go to Lantern Fest was really about me saying, "I'm okay. Whether I'm single, dating, or married, I'm okay. I'm worth having fun experiences and enjoying life." It seems like this is something that should just be instilled in every person, but for me, it's not. It's taken quite a bit of work for me to get to this place, but I'm glad that I'm changing!
And guess what happened? I went to Lantern Fest and I had a great time!! I walked around for a bit and picked a random tiki torch to set my things down around. I ended up sitting next to this fun couple.
They were kind enough to reach out to me and made an effort to include me. It may be ironic, but I think they felt sorry for me because I was there alone! As we chatted and I got to know them, I realized how awesome they are and it occurred to me that if I had been there with someone else, I don't think I would have met them. I would have really missed out on meeting some awesome people. I don't know if I'll ever see them again, but they helped me forget that I was there "alone." So thank you, "B" and "S" for making a fun night that much better!
It would be fun to run into them again someday, but not professionally (they're both officers at the correctional facility!).
As much as I do want to be married, I don't want to miss out on getting the most out of life, and I certainly don't want to continue to limit myself because conditions aren't exactly the way I want them to be. But mostly, I just want to prove to myself that I'm okay the way I am. Ultimately, isn't that what I want to bring into a marriage? The ability to offer my complete self as an equal partner, not an incomplete man who needs others to define him?
Yeah, I still have my share of challenges and obstacles, but for a single guy, I have a pretty great life - even if I have to "go it alone" sometimes!
*Authors note: Sorry about the weird formatting, I'm writing this on someone else's computer until my new computer arrives!!
1 comment:
I am glad you went! It looks like you had a great time! It looks like something that would be cool to attend. In my opinion... the line that you wrote that says,
"isn't that what I want to bring into a marriage? The ability to offer my complete self as an equal partner, not an incomplete man who needs others to define him?"
That is, in my opinion, THE most important thing that ANY person can bring to a marriage. If you are not happy with yourself, or you need to be defined by someone else, your road to finding your true self is so much more difficult. Being defined by another person, is so empty. You need to be true to YOU!
Wise words my friend!
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