Approval

I just got off the phone with a gal who recently graduated in Speech-Language Pathology (SLP) and was looking for some advice on CF and job hunting. I related to her my experience moving to Washington to take a job and how it was a really difficult experience for me. I had been promised a certain level of mentorship and guidance, which, ultimately, didn't happen. That was a very difficult time in my life. It made me doubt everything I was doing and whether or not I wanted to keep working in Speech-Language Pathology at all.

Our conversation caused me to reflect on what I learned from that very difficult experience. It also occurred to me that what I learned is very applicable to what I'm going through right now.

To give you some background I need to explain something - I need approval. Specifically, I need my dad's approval. I have an emptiness in my soul that I believe can only be filled by my father holding me and saying that I'm ok - which is obviously not going to happen now that I my dad has passed away. I know that I go through life looking for anything to fill that emptiness, i.e., addictions. Even my shame and self-pity is really a cry for help to fill that void. I want someone to look through my sadness and see that what I really need is reassurance. But self-pity has the opposite effect. Far from making people want to comfort me, it makes them want to run from me. Self-pity, like pride, is off-putting.

It may be less profound, but this need also translates into the need for approval from others. The need to be recognized, praised, etc. The need to be seen as smart, accomplished, wise, witty, competent, etc. It was precisely this need that made my life hell while starting my new job after graduation.

I found myself in a situation where I was not going to receive feedback - I was on my own. I would have to work without being noticed by my superiors. How was I going to be praised if they weren't around to see my work? I didn't realize that all through graduate school I held on to my supervisors praise/feedback like a lifeline. It was everything to me when they praised me and equally devastating when they didn't. But I depended on their feedback in order for me to feel validated. And now, that was gone. I was going to have to learn to work independently and trust my judgment regarding patient care. I mean, this is another human being we're talking about - being dependent on me to help "heal" them?! That's a lot of pressure!!

I only worked in that job for nine months - long enough to get my SLP national certification and then I left. But something happened in that nine months that I didn't expect. I learned to trust myself. I learned that I could BE a Speech-Language Pathologist. I learned that I could be a GOOD Speech-Language Pathologist. I learned that I was good at my job - even without someone else's approval!

How did that happen?!?

There isn't one moment that I can pin it on. It wasn't like someone flipped a switch and I just woke up one day confident in my abilities. It happened over time, little by little, step by step, line upon line... you see where I'm going with this? It happened by doing the job. It happened by learning from every experience - making good decisions and making bad decisions. It happened from all the moments of uncertainty, of being put on the spot to make a decision, of having to make a snap judgment with no guarantee that I was making the right decision. As I gained experience, the see-saw of uncertainty gradually gave way to certainty. The more I saw and experienced, the more information I had to compare each time I had to make a decision and the better I got at knowing what to do the next time. 

I tried. I failed. I succeeded. I learned.

So, how does that help me now? It helps me see that I can be ok without the approval of others. That, given enough time and experience, I don't "need" the approval of others. That realization doesn't just make that desire for recognition go away, but it helps me see that I don't need to limit myself simply because I don't have someone else telling me how awesome I am! To some extent, I'm always going to want my father's approval. There may always be a bit of a hole there, where that need went unmet. But I don't have to stop living until that hole gets filled  - and if I'm honest with myself, that's kind of what I've been doing.

I guess it's time to move on...