Approval

I just got off the phone with a gal who recently graduated in Speech-Language Pathology (SLP) and was looking for some advice on CF and job hunting. I related to her my experience moving to Washington to take a job and how it was a really difficult experience for me. I had been promised a certain level of mentorship and guidance, which, ultimately, didn't happen. That was a very difficult time in my life. It made me doubt everything I was doing and whether or not I wanted to keep working in Speech-Language Pathology at all.

Our conversation caused me to reflect on what I learned from that very difficult experience. It also occurred to me that what I learned is very applicable to what I'm going through right now.

To give you some background I need to explain something - I need approval. Specifically, I need my dad's approval. I have an emptiness in my soul that I believe can only be filled by my father holding me and saying that I'm ok - which is obviously not going to happen now that I my dad has passed away. I know that I go through life looking for anything to fill that emptiness, i.e., addictions. Even my shame and self-pity is really a cry for help to fill that void. I want someone to look through my sadness and see that what I really need is reassurance. But self-pity has the opposite effect. Far from making people want to comfort me, it makes them want to run from me. Self-pity, like pride, is off-putting.

It may be less profound, but this need also translates into the need for approval from others. The need to be recognized, praised, etc. The need to be seen as smart, accomplished, wise, witty, competent, etc. It was precisely this need that made my life hell while starting my new job after graduation.

I found myself in a situation where I was not going to receive feedback - I was on my own. I would have to work without being noticed by my superiors. How was I going to be praised if they weren't around to see my work? I didn't realize that all through graduate school I held on to my supervisors praise/feedback like a lifeline. It was everything to me when they praised me and equally devastating when they didn't. But I depended on their feedback in order for me to feel validated. And now, that was gone. I was going to have to learn to work independently and trust my judgment regarding patient care. I mean, this is another human being we're talking about - being dependent on me to help "heal" them?! That's a lot of pressure!!

I only worked in that job for nine months - long enough to get my SLP national certification and then I left. But something happened in that nine months that I didn't expect. I learned to trust myself. I learned that I could BE a Speech-Language Pathologist. I learned that I could be a GOOD Speech-Language Pathologist. I learned that I was good at my job - even without someone else's approval!

How did that happen?!?

There isn't one moment that I can pin it on. It wasn't like someone flipped a switch and I just woke up one day confident in my abilities. It happened over time, little by little, step by step, line upon line... you see where I'm going with this? It happened by doing the job. It happened by learning from every experience - making good decisions and making bad decisions. It happened from all the moments of uncertainty, of being put on the spot to make a decision, of having to make a snap judgment with no guarantee that I was making the right decision. As I gained experience, the see-saw of uncertainty gradually gave way to certainty. The more I saw and experienced, the more information I had to compare each time I had to make a decision and the better I got at knowing what to do the next time. 

I tried. I failed. I succeeded. I learned.

So, how does that help me now? It helps me see that I can be ok without the approval of others. That, given enough time and experience, I don't "need" the approval of others. That realization doesn't just make that desire for recognition go away, but it helps me see that I don't need to limit myself simply because I don't have someone else telling me how awesome I am! To some extent, I'm always going to want my father's approval. There may always be a bit of a hole there, where that need went unmet. But I don't have to stop living until that hole gets filled  - and if I'm honest with myself, that's kind of what I've been doing.

I guess it's time to move on...

Going it alone

I went to the Lantern Fest by myself. I learned a lot about myself from doing that.



When I first learned about the Lantern Fest, I immediately had a desire to go - it was something I've seen other people do and I wanted to be a part of it. So I was really excited as I went to the website to purchase a ticket. I think my heart was even beating a little bit faster, so I was clearly anticipating the experience. But then something hit me - and it's not the first time I've felt this feeling. It's a mixture of sadness and regret. It hit me about the time I had to specify a ticket quantity - one.



I was super excited to be a part of something special and it hit me that I would be doing it alone. I didn't have anyone to share this with. I hesitated. I thought, "maybe next year, when I have someone to go with." I just about closed down the page, when I reflected on what was really going on. I was letting my feelings of loneliness decide my actions. I was keeping myself from experiencing something I really wanted because it wasn't going to be exactly the way I wanted it to be.



Did I want to go to Lantern Fest? You bet. Did I want to go with someone special? You bet. But did I HAVE to go with someone special...? No, not really. I think I tend to put conditions on lots of things and when all the conditions don't line up exactly as I want them to, I reject the entire experience. I limit myself and keep myself from experiencing anything remotely fun or exciting, simply because it's not how I'm "supposed" to experience it.



I didn't realize that I had been doing this because while I lived in Washington, I traveled by myself all the time. As much as I realized that I wanted to have someone special to share in my travels and experiences, I knew my time there was temporary - so I traveled. I saw some pretty great places and had some wonderful experiences that I will treasure forever. And I would have missed out on all of it if I had said, "maybe someday, when I have someone to share it with."



So I bought a ticket for one. And I decided that, yes, it probably would be more fun with someone to go with, but that didn't mean I couldn't have fun on my own. It's only now, as I type this, that I realize that this experience wasn't about being lonely; it wasn't about being single. It was about being okay with myself the way I am.



This is not something I'm good at! (Not a surprise for anyone who's read my blog!) My decision to go to Lantern Fest was really about me saying, "I'm okay. Whether I'm single, dating, or married, I'm okay. I'm worth having fun experiences and enjoying life." It seems like this is something that should just be instilled in every person, but for me, it's not. It's taken quite a bit of work for me to get to this place, but I'm glad that I'm changing!



And guess what happened? I went to Lantern Fest and I had a great time!! I walked around for a bit and picked a random tiki torch to set my things down around. I ended up sitting next to this fun couple.

They were kind enough to reach out to me and made an effort to include me. It may be ironic, but I think they felt sorry for me because I was there alone! As we chatted and I got to know them, I realized how awesome they are and it occurred to me that if I had been there with someone else, I don't think I would have met them. I would have really missed out on meeting some awesome people.  I don't know if I'll ever see them again, but they helped me forget that I was there "alone." So thank you, "B" and "S" for making a fun night that much better!

It would be fun to run into them again someday, but not professionally (they're both officers at the correctional facility!).

As much as I do want to be married, I don't want to miss out on getting the most out of life, and I certainly don't want to continue to limit myself because conditions aren't exactly the way I want them to be. But mostly, I just want to prove to myself that I'm okay the way I am. Ultimately, isn't that what I want to bring into a marriage? The ability to offer my complete self as an equal partner, not an incomplete man who needs others to define him?

Yeah, I still have my share of challenges and obstacles, but for a single guy, I have a pretty great life - even if I have to "go it alone" sometimes!

*Authors note: Sorry about the weird formatting, I'm writing this on someone else's computer until my new computer arrives!!

Filling needs

My whole life I thought my needs could only be filled by my parents. But what if I have a room in my soul where all of my needs can be met? But I never use it because I think it can’t come from me; I think it has to come from my parents. I never think to look inside because I don’t believe I have it within me to fill those needs because I don’t believe in myself… that’s a vicious cycle.

It makes sense that if you think you’re worthless you’re not going to look inside to find a way to meet your needs – you don’t think you’re capable. What if you just decide to tell yourself that you are? It means disconnection from parents and that disconnection feels like death. What if you just tell yourself that it’s time to die? Maybe it’s time for the “worthless” you to die, so that the worthful you can finally live?