Hi

Hi.

Not much to say today.

Just "Hi."

Relating

How do I say this... I just can't relate to some people.

Or, at least, I thought I couldn't.

I was talking to a friend* recently and we seemed to be going through some similar difficulties. That, in and of itself, might not seem like such a big deal, but it's really a matter of perspective. You see, I had unwittingly placed this person on a bit of a pedestal and believed that because of this individual's physical characteristics, I naturally assumed that life was easier for this person than for me. I didn't even realize I had done that - until I found myself relating to what this person was going through. It was an odd moment for me and I had a flash of realization concerning my beliefs about myself and others. I realized how easily I had minimized myself in comparison to this person and how natural it felt for me to consider myself inferior - primarily based on appearance.

I think what it really boils down to is the discovery that I have based my worth on appearance. The attractive kids in school were the ones that got all the attention. They were also ones making fun of me and "helped" affirm the belief that I was inferior and that I didn't fit in.

I realize now that it wasn't the fact that they made fun of me/were popular that was the problem; it was the fact that I bought into that idea and adopted it into my own beliefs. That's kind of a hard thing to accept because it means I can't really fault the people who made me feel bad - the fault was really mine for believing them.

I have to say, I'm really humbled by what I've learned. It made me conscious of beliefs that were unconscious and that alone is valuable. But the hard part now is changing my beliefs and changing my thoughts. I remember a talk by someone in my ward from some time ago, she shared a statement that her father drilled into them. When they expressed frustration at something that was hard, he would add to their statement "...and you can do hard things." I'm glad that message has come back to me now because he's right. Changing my thoughts is hard, and I can do hard things.


*Just to clarify, I don't think anyone reading this blog would know this individual as this person is not in my usual circle of friends, but I still want to protect their privacy so I'm not mentioning this person's name! In other words, don't ask me who it is!

Verdict is in!

Woohoo!! I finally got my grades from last semester - 2 A's and an A-!!! (It took forever because one teacher moved to AZ at the end of the semester, so I'm pretty sure someone else in the department had to post her grades...) I'm pretty happy about the outcome, which is progress... the old me would have been quite annoyed at the "minus," but the new me is totally okay with it.

Okay, honestly, it bugs me a little, BUT I'll get used to it!

Give me a break, change takes time!

New Semester

I start school today... again. Last week flew by, but I do feel that I was able to relax and enjoy it a little, so that's good.

My class is an online class through USU. I'm not a huge fan of online classes per se, because I don't feel there's a lot of consistency - or maybe I'm just lazy and unmotivated. Well, knowing that I HAVE to do well in this class to be able to start the Master's program at the U will hopefully be motivation enough. I did learn today that there are weekly quizzes; I'm actually glad as I hope that will keep me on track!

The only minor issue now is the fact that I don't have the internet at home. Pop quiz: do you think NOT having the internet would make an online class harder or easier? Answer: Umm.. Harder! Much, much harder. (Duh!)

My plan has been to wait until my cell phone plan is up for renewal and then upgrade to a phone that has "hot spot" capability, through which I can then run the internet on my computer off my phone. I'm not eligible for an upgrade until June 24th or some other such non-sense!! Grrrr... Oh well, I've been "making do" so far, I guess I can keep it up for a couple more months.

Bottom line: Online classes are T - U - F tough, without the "online!"

Freedom! ...now what?

I am done with the semester as of last Friday!!! Whoohoo!! I am FREE!!


For a week.

Then I have to start my online class for the Summer. Bummer. Normally, I would not be taking an online class - way too easy for me to blow off. I like classroom learning much better; that and I am not motivated enough on my own... usually. I am hoping that the fact that I am "conditionally" accepted into the Master's program will be enough to keep me on track!

However, my big worry now is what to do with myself for the next week. I was so busy with school that I didn't make a plan for my time off. Me and unplanned free-time equals disaster. I usually end up totally wasting my time on frivolous stuff, then agonizing how I "should have done this or that!" No more "should!" I hate that word, but I hate it even more when I "should" all over myself.

So I'll hit the Temple tomorrow because I haven't been "in awhile." Then who knows. Do a little writing, a little painting, you know, whatever. Maybe this time I'll try something new - actually enjoying the break and not beating myself up for not being 110% productive 120% of the time. Hey I know! See a movie! It's been so long since I've just gone to a movie... and I still haven't seen the King's Speech... so I guess I have lots of catching up to do!!

(Ever notice how I use lots of "quotation marks" when I type? Guess what, I do that in real life too - lots of "air quotes" - I don't know why - always been that way!)