Hard Week

Hello all, I've been somewhat silent on the blog-front; many reasons, which I won't go into. It's been a hard week. I am hoping next week will be a little brighter.

I was talking to a friend recently about the week I was having - someone I trust explicitly - and I was unusually honest. They said that listening to me describe my week was like I was describing a different person. They had always known me to be upbeat, positive, friendly, funny... pretty much the opposite of the way I described myself over the past week. That was actually a real eye-opener for me. I wondered how they could see me one way, yet I experience myself another - so much so that they felt I was talking about a completely different person.

It made me think about who I really am. I think I DO have two persona's, the one I present to the world and the one I "see in the mirror." I am ashamed to confess, they are not the same person.

I guess there are lots of reasons for this. I learned growing up that appearances were really important. It seemed to me that no matter what I was going through, the most important thing was that other people thought I was doing well. That taught me to sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of appearances. (This has turned out to be not such a good idea...)

I felt like people didn't REALLY want to know how I was doing. Asking someone, "How are you today?" is more of a social convention, rather than an honest inquiry into someone's well being. Think about it, when you ask someone how they are doing, do you want them to say, "Oh, I'm doing horrible today. I've had the worst thing happen to me...," or "I'm not doing very well today because..." Of course not. You want to be nice, to sound interested, but overall, you really don't want to hear about how bad someone's day is, it becomes mutually depressing. I'm all for avoiding depression, but then what do you do when you REALLY are having a crappy day? How do you answer honestly, while not totally dragging someone else down?

If you're me, you retreat. I love food and movies and sleep. These things don't judge you. They don't mind that you've had a bad day, they always welcome you with open arms. They provide comfort on some level. I know now that it's like trying to be comforted by a fog or a vapor... it seems substantial, but in reality isn't.

In some twisted way, I also feel like I have to be happy all the time (in public anyway) so as not to disappoint people. For the most part I have that "funny fat guy" reputation and for good reason - it worked. It made people comfortable around me and made them want to be friends with me, which is also what I wanted. But it comes with a price - I have to sacrifice the other part of myself which has bad days but won't be admitted. It's weird, but I think not being able to be honest with the fact that I do have bad days makes me feel like I'm negating a part of myself and consequently, effects everything else about my life. Like I'm not really living as a whole person. I don't know if that even makes sense or not. I'm not really able to describe it, I guess.

Even as I re-read this, as I'm writing, I'm fighting a tremendous urge to apologize for being SO honest.

Why am I being so honest now? I guess I'm trying to be different - to embrace the part of myself I usually shun. I guess I'm also hoping I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's tough putting how I really feel "out there," but if other people can relate, then it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Maybe I should start a support group for people who can't admit they have flaws...

Hello, my name is Micah Foster and I have bad days. I am not happy every second of every day. I am not always funny. I am not always smart. I am not always a good listener. I am not always smiling... And I am learning that I don't need to apologize for being human.