I was somewhat surprised to see that my last post was in October. Here it is December already. The last few months have been really hard for me. The move here (in August) and the new job has proved more challenging than I care to admit. (Although here I am, admitting it!) I haven't wanted to publicly put this out there for a few reasons. The main reason is, I didn't know why this change was so hard. I was SO excited for it. I was SO looking forward to the change and to the new job. But when I got here and started work, circumstances turned out to be nothing like what I expected and it felt like I had been sucker-punched by life. At the very least, I felt like Heavenly Father had tricked me somehow. No, more like punished me. I felt that I had made a terrible mistake and I immediately felt trapped in a circumstance I couldn't change.
I've been doing a lot of praying and pondering about that. Why wasn't I happier being here when this situation appeared to have everything I wanted? A great job that I am actually good at. A service-oriented job, where I'm helping people. Independence and taking care of myself. The adventure of exploring a new place and meeting new people. All great things, so why not enough?
I was having some health problems - depression, extreme fatigue, frequent illnesses - usually of the stomach flu variety. I went to a doctor and she helped me see that I am gluten-intolerant. She didn't actually do a "celiac" test, but I seem to have all the symptoms and blood-work of someone with gluten-intolerance and leaky-gut syndrome. Which sounds gross, and in reality is, but at least I had an explanation. It's a strange sort of comfort - being able to name a disease; I suppose it's because humans are built to label or categorize and finally having a name for something means I can wrap my head around it and learn how to deal with it, rather than just go on thinking I'm crazy. (Can't both be true? hehe)
So I've been working on changing my diet and taking some supplements, etc. And it's been helping. I can actually get through the day and maybe do some laundry or dishes when I get home, instead of crashing completely. But still dissatisfied. Even though I have the energy to wake up, I dread it because it means I have to go to work, which is what I really dread. My job has been the single most stressful and confusing factor of my life right now. Ultimately, it's a fantastic job and one I SHOULD be loving, but I'm not. I SHOULD be feeling a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when a patient tells me how much they appreciate how I'm helping them, but I don't. It makes me feel like a cold, calloused, hardened person and I just don't think that's me. (I guess I'm grateful to be aware of the incongruity, because it means I know myself and I know that how I've been at this job is not who I really am.) I understand it, but it's jarring.
I have, as recently as today, come to understand that I have another disease, much worse than gluten-intolerance and leaky-gut syndrome - self-pity.
Self-pity. What a curse! It sprouted in my infancy and, like a weed, has invaded every part of my life. Sending out tendrils that subtly wrap around and choke positive thoughts or emotions. It's many thorns make it difficult to hold on to, to rip it out of the ground of my beliefs. But it's greatest asset is it's camouflage. It has blended in and remained hidden within my thoughts my whole life. Making me afraid. Making me doubt myself. Making me depressed, and so on. It was this massive change in my life that finally revealed it to me. As if I were trying to completely renovate my "mental garden," only to find this insidious weed has been growing maliciously everywhere. It is the root of all my disordered or faulty thinking.
Now the big question is, what do I do about it? It is ironic that even in the middle of praying for the help to let it go, I began to feel sorry for myself. I actually began to feel sorry for myself at the prospect of letting that same self-pity go!! Lame!! It's like it has a built in defense system that won't allow it to be removed. Some kind of twisted fail-safe or something. Which only makes me realize how pervasive it has become and makes the task of removing it all the more daunting. Difficult, but not impossible.
One question I have is, how will I fill the hole it will leave behind? It has been with me my whole life; hurting me, yes, but still comfortable for its familiarity. How do I just let that go? I know I have to, though. The damage it has done feels irreparable, however and I don't know what to replace it with. Extensive internet research (yeah, five minutes on Google again...), tells me that I'm not alone. There is a lot of advice on how to get rid of self-pity and I plan on trying just about anything. But what saddens me the most - and I don't quite know how to say this - is why didn't the gospel help me overcome this sooner? Don't I believe I have access to the true gospel of Jesus Christ? And doesn't that gospel inherently proclaim that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God? Why didn't the truth of the gospel help me more? I am not doubting the gospel, or the church, or its veracity. It IS true. I know it. I just don't know why it didn't help me sooner.
I guess the answer lies in the initial problem - self-pity. Self-pity makes me feel worthless and undeserving. I'm sure that what I needed from the gospel has been there the whole time, but I wouldn't let it in; I couldn't accept it when it differed so much from what I already believed about myself. I suppose I reconciled my beliefs by thinking that salvation and hope is there for all mankind - just not for me. I had faith in the Savior, but not in myself. The irony is, if I truly believe that the Savior, who is all powerful, can save anyone, then I have to believe He can save even me. Conversely, If I don't have faith in me, then I don't have faith in Him. Essentially, I'm telling Him, "You're power may be great, but it's not great enough to save me. I'm too far gone. Not even your infinite offering can cover me because I'm too fallen and lost. Sure, you can save everyone else, but that's because no one is as far gone as I am. I am too much of a worthless sinner, so I'm out of your reach." Clearly, that is self-pity talking. I don't want to live outside of His reach anymore. I know that I never really was, but I couldn't let myself feel it; now I want to. I want to get rid of self-pity so that I can live authentically. I want to enjoy my life, even if there are parts of it I don't enjoy. Self-pity says, "if you don't already have it, you don't deserve it." That is why I pine after better circumstances. That is why I have the classic, "when I have _____, then I'll be happy" syndrome. That's why I believe only the right external circumstances make life enjoyable and why I'll never have them - because if I deserved them, I would have them already.
It helps to type this all out. Only now, as I re-read what I've written, am I really able to appreciate how twisted this line of "reasoning" is. And it isn't reason at all, it's just f***ing stupid!! (Sorry) Self-pity is the reason I get depressed. It's the reason I feel powerless. It's the reason I have poor self-esteem. It's the reason I can't enjoy life, because I won't let myself enjoy life. Same for my job. It's the reason I turn to food for comfort. Maybe the gluten-intolerance I've experienced is just my body's way of saying, "hey dude, this really isn't the answer..." I'm at that weird stage where I've identified what's wrong and I want to change it, like, now! But that isn't going to happen. This has been with me for so long that I'm going to need a lot of time to let this go and this is the hardest stage for me to be in. It means I have to accept something is a part of me that I don't want. It means I have to be okay with something I'm not okay with, but there's no short-cut; there's no way around it. I have to wake up tomorrow and put my guard up. I have to combat every thought and feeling that would drag me back into self-pity. It is hard, but I also know that I don't have to do it alone. I know I won't be alone. I know that the Savior knows exactly how I feel. He felt it before I did, and He felt it so completely, that He knows exactly how to help me. I hope I learn how to do it well enough that, someday, maybe I can help someone else know how to get out of it too.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Belief in yourself, revisited
First, thank you j for your comments on my previous post. I've been thinking a lot about this and, while I can't say, "A-ha! I've found THE answer," I think I've come to enough of a conclusion to have some resolution on the matter.
What does it mean to believe in yourself? I think it means two things: 1) Believe that you are capable; 2) Believe that you are worth being helped.
The first statement is an abiding faith and trust that you have inherent abilities, talents, and gifts, given by God, to help you succeed in this life. (Perhaps we used our time in the pre-earth life developing these spiritual attributes so that they could carry us through this completely foreign physical experience...)
So many times in my life I've shied away from trying something new or I isolated myself from living life because I was afraid that if I tried I would fail and then I would be hurt, disappointed or I would have hurt/disappointed someone else. It seems I would rather live with myself having failed to try rather than having lived with failures. In any case, fear is the enemy here. Believing you are capable means you have confidence that you are equal to the task, that you have the means to succeed, and at the very least, you don't know until you try.
But what about the reality that I DO have a considerable number of "fails" under my belt? It is a fact that I have "tried" in the past and failed, which must mean that, ultimately, I'm not capable after all, right? Well, no, not really. Believing that you are capable is the impetus to try. It's the foundation necessary to initiate action. But believing you are capable is not the same thing as believing that you will succeed 100% of the time. (It's a paradox! Welcome to the Gospel!) Hence, the second statement - to believe that you are worth being helped.
The truth is, you will fail sometimes. That "sometimes" is key. What do we do when "some" situations feel beyond our capability (because they really are!)? We recognize that we need a strength greater than our own. Which is really just a logical conclusion to make, however, a wrench is thrown into the machinery when we know we need outside help, but we don't feel deserving or worthy of it. (This is me to a "T" by the way!) What it boils down to is this: the belief that you are worthless or undeserving, whether because of, or in spite of, all your sins/errors/mistakes/flaws, etc., is a lie. It's a lie. It just isn't true. You are ALWAYS deserving of help. You are ALWAYS worth it. No matter what has happened to you; no matter what you've done. The belief that you have no worth is nothing more than Satan sowing the seeds of despair. Don't let him lie to you.
It seems like a harsh, cold fact though, doesn't it? To accept that you have to fail sometimes? What's the point? The point is this - that we come to recognize our reliance on the Savior. We can't do everything alone - we weren't meant to. From the very beginning the plan we chose was a plan of partnership. We didn't just agree to Jesus being the Savior we agreed to need him as our Savior. How can we learn to be one with our Father if we can't learn to be one with our Brother? Isn't Zion unity? Isn't the promise of Exaltation and Eternal Life that Heavenly Father would share all he has with us? It is here, in this life, that we learn to partner with the Lord, that we learn to receive from him the help we all need at times. (So much I want to say about what the Lord is willing to share with us, but that will be a topic for another day!)
Yeah, I know I'm rambling on my preachy soapbox again, sorry. I just wanted to share what I think I've learned about what it means to believe in yourself because I think it's so much more than just being about "what I'm capable of." It's about having a relationship with my Father in Heaven, my Savior, and the Spirit. The sins, mistakes, errors, wrongs, and failures I've committed aren't who I am and they won't be with me forever. Someday I will be perfect, even if only because the Savior shares his perfection with me through repentance and obedience. But in order to achieve that, I will need to spend my time here believing that I'm capable, and when I find myself in circumstances clearly beyond my capability, I'll believe that I am worth being helped and I will better know my Savior, the source of my help.
What does it mean to believe in yourself? I think it means two things: 1) Believe that you are capable; 2) Believe that you are worth being helped.
The first statement is an abiding faith and trust that you have inherent abilities, talents, and gifts, given by God, to help you succeed in this life. (Perhaps we used our time in the pre-earth life developing these spiritual attributes so that they could carry us through this completely foreign physical experience...)
So many times in my life I've shied away from trying something new or I isolated myself from living life because I was afraid that if I tried I would fail and then I would be hurt, disappointed or I would have hurt/disappointed someone else. It seems I would rather live with myself having failed to try rather than having lived with failures. In any case, fear is the enemy here. Believing you are capable means you have confidence that you are equal to the task, that you have the means to succeed, and at the very least, you don't know until you try.
But what about the reality that I DO have a considerable number of "fails" under my belt? It is a fact that I have "tried" in the past and failed, which must mean that, ultimately, I'm not capable after all, right? Well, no, not really. Believing that you are capable is the impetus to try. It's the foundation necessary to initiate action. But believing you are capable is not the same thing as believing that you will succeed 100% of the time. (It's a paradox! Welcome to the Gospel!) Hence, the second statement - to believe that you are worth being helped.
The truth is, you will fail sometimes. That "sometimes" is key. What do we do when "some" situations feel beyond our capability (because they really are!)? We recognize that we need a strength greater than our own. Which is really just a logical conclusion to make, however, a wrench is thrown into the machinery when we know we need outside help, but we don't feel deserving or worthy of it. (This is me to a "T" by the way!) What it boils down to is this: the belief that you are worthless or undeserving, whether because of, or in spite of, all your sins/errors/mistakes/flaws, etc., is a lie. It's a lie. It just isn't true. You are ALWAYS deserving of help. You are ALWAYS worth it. No matter what has happened to you; no matter what you've done. The belief that you have no worth is nothing more than Satan sowing the seeds of despair. Don't let him lie to you.
It seems like a harsh, cold fact though, doesn't it? To accept that you have to fail sometimes? What's the point? The point is this - that we come to recognize our reliance on the Savior. We can't do everything alone - we weren't meant to. From the very beginning the plan we chose was a plan of partnership. We didn't just agree to Jesus being the Savior we agreed to need him as our Savior. How can we learn to be one with our Father if we can't learn to be one with our Brother? Isn't Zion unity? Isn't the promise of Exaltation and Eternal Life that Heavenly Father would share all he has with us? It is here, in this life, that we learn to partner with the Lord, that we learn to receive from him the help we all need at times. (So much I want to say about what the Lord is willing to share with us, but that will be a topic for another day!)
Yeah, I know I'm rambling on my preachy soapbox again, sorry. I just wanted to share what I think I've learned about what it means to believe in yourself because I think it's so much more than just being about "what I'm capable of." It's about having a relationship with my Father in Heaven, my Savior, and the Spirit. The sins, mistakes, errors, wrongs, and failures I've committed aren't who I am and they won't be with me forever. Someday I will be perfect, even if only because the Savior shares his perfection with me through repentance and obedience. But in order to achieve that, I will need to spend my time here believing that I'm capable, and when I find myself in circumstances clearly beyond my capability, I'll believe that I am worth being helped and I will better know my Savior, the source of my help.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I don't know what it means to believe in yourself...
Believe in yourself.
I don't know that I've ever known what this means. I've certainly heard it a lot. Any kind of self-help guru is going to advocate this message. I love it when people say, "you just need to believe in yourself," as if that somehow resolves every self-esteem issue out there. I imagine a conversation going something like this:
Me: "I have low self-esteem."
Other: "You just need to believe in yourself."
Me: "Oh. Is that all I need to do? Ok. I guess that was the answer I've been waiting for all my life. Gee, why didn't I think of that?"
To everyone in the world: "Don't you think if I knew how to believe in myself, I would have done it by now?!?"
The thing is - I agree. People SHOULD believe in themselves, because it sounds fantastic. But what does it mean?
To me, "believing in yourself" actually has negative connotations. For me it evokes feelings of pride and self-centerdness. Anything that requires "believing in myself" means putting myself first. I'm sure I'm wrong about this, but I feel like my religion teaches that you should put God and others first, and that you come last. The debate I'm currently having with myself is this: The first great commandment is to love God. The second is like it, love others as yourself. (Matt 22:37-39) My question is this: if you don't love yourself, are you keeping that commandment? The phrase "as yourself" is what's confusing to me. How can you love others as yourself if you don't love yourself? But if you love yourself, doesn't that mean you're putting yourself first?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just overthinking it.
Is there anyone out there who teaches a class on how to believe in yourself, or something?
p.s. I HAVE googled it and I haven't come across any satisfactory answers thus far...
I don't know that I've ever known what this means. I've certainly heard it a lot. Any kind of self-help guru is going to advocate this message. I love it when people say, "you just need to believe in yourself," as if that somehow resolves every self-esteem issue out there. I imagine a conversation going something like this:
Me: "I have low self-esteem."
Other: "You just need to believe in yourself."
Me: "Oh. Is that all I need to do? Ok. I guess that was the answer I've been waiting for all my life. Gee, why didn't I think of that?"
To everyone in the world: "Don't you think if I knew how to believe in myself, I would have done it by now?!?"
The thing is - I agree. People SHOULD believe in themselves, because it sounds fantastic. But what does it mean?
To me, "believing in yourself" actually has negative connotations. For me it evokes feelings of pride and self-centerdness. Anything that requires "believing in myself" means putting myself first. I'm sure I'm wrong about this, but I feel like my religion teaches that you should put God and others first, and that you come last. The debate I'm currently having with myself is this: The first great commandment is to love God. The second is like it, love others as yourself. (Matt 22:37-39) My question is this: if you don't love yourself, are you keeping that commandment? The phrase "as yourself" is what's confusing to me. How can you love others as yourself if you don't love yourself? But if you love yourself, doesn't that mean you're putting yourself first?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just overthinking it.
Is there anyone out there who teaches a class on how to believe in yourself, or something?
p.s. I HAVE googled it and I haven't come across any satisfactory answers thus far...
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Quick update
So I finally made it to Tri-Cities! Tomorrow, I'll have been here for two weeks and it's been a roller coaster... I'm posting some pics of my (mostly) empty new apartment. It's a two-bedroom, two-bathroom place, which I'm planning on getting fixed up so I can have visitors!! I didn't have my stuff delivered until about a week after I got here. I think I have most of the essentials unpacked now, but it will be awhile before I have everything organized and put away. I haven't received my first paycheck yet, so at the moment, I'm living by faith and credit card. My first check will only be for about 4 days employment anyway, so it's going to be awhile before I can really do anything with my apartment. On the plus side, I get to start paying tithing again, which I haven't done for a little over 6 months!! :)
I'll have a lot to stay later about my transition here. It really has been... interesting. I'll leave it at that for now.
Kitchen
Dining Room
Living Room
Master Bedroom
Master Bedroom, looking into Master Bathroom, which runs along behind the closet, there (a tub/shower and commode)
Washer/Dryer in the hallway
Looking onto patio
Patio and storage
This view is facing north. You can't see it, but the Columbia River is just across the street...
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Don't feel obligated to read this post... it's long... and maybe just needed to be written, more than read...
I can't believe the year is half over (or half-full, depending on how you look at life?)!! So, yeah, half-over...
I'm kind of cynical these days and, I'll be honest, maybe a little bit depressed. My expectation for where I'd be right now is SO different from where I am. And I mean "where" in both a literal and abstract sense. I did not expect to be single and living with my mom at the age of 35. I did not expect to be needing gas and food money at this point in my life. It's all the more difficult for having been independent for so long. Not that I'm not grateful, because I am. I wouldn't be surviving right now with out her help and I know she likes to be able to help. But there's something about being a guy that makes me feel less of a man for having to be so dependent. It's humbling and, frankly, I don't like it. I probably need it though... :)
Also, I never saw myself as being unemployed, overweight and single at this "where" in my life either. In my mind I saw myself as being much more successful regarding employment, weight loss/improved health, certainly married with a kid or two, etc. But it hasn't happened. I guess what's hard is that I only have myself to blame. If it didn't happen, it's because I didn't make it happen. I obviously made the choices that did NOT lead to the outcome I expected or wanted. Right now I'm trying to NOT beat myself up for that, but honestly... self-pity is soooo easy and comes soooo naturally to me!! I'm sure that's the bulk of my problem right there...
I wish I could live inside the mind of a really healthy person and see what it's like. What's it like to always make the right choices? What's it like to be positive all the time and be able to put a positive spin on things, even when challenges occur? I've never been the motivational-Tony Robbins-lets-go-out-and-crush-the-world kind of guy. I admire people like that. People who set their mind to something and are successful at it no matter the cost. That's not me - I'm much more passive.
Being unemployed, I've had a lot of time to think about this. What I've uncovered is a deep-seated "core" belief that it's wrong to feel good about myself. I have no idea where or when this started. I have no idea what event or events lead to this being the case, but it's very clear to me now that this belief has underscored much of my belief system as a whole and how I approach life. Essentially, I approach life as if I'm undeserving and not good enough (i.e., I don't "measure up"). It's at the heart of why I'm afraid of everything - I'm afraid that I won't be equal to whatever task is before me and even if I do achieve some measure of success, I'm afraid I don't deserve it.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, you know what would be really cool? Getting inside the mind of a really healthy person and then putting that person back into my life and see how they handle things. From the moment they wake up in my life to the moment they go to bed, what different choices would they make and why? Of course it's just a thought experiment, typical of someone who tends to over-think everything, and not really anything that can bring resolution.
I'm not sure what my self-effacing beliefs buy me. Maybe it's a sense of false-humility. You know, the idea that "I'm humble because I hate myself?" Which is NOT what humility is, and I know that now, but maybe when I was a little kid I didn't know that...
Much more likely is the sense that self-loathing is somehow penance. It's possible that it grew out of a desire to "pay for my sins." It's the idea that I deserve to be punished because I did something wrong. Quite frankly, I did a lot of things wrong and felt that I deserved to be punished and that somehow God's punishment wouldn't be enough. I had to multiply His punishment by punishing myself. I suppose some people turn to physical means of punishment, but I turned to emotional means of punishment. Phrases with hurtful labels like "I'm so stupid, I'm so ugly/fat, I'm such a moron, I'm such an idiot," etc. ran through my mind so frequently that, eventually, the feelings that accompanied those thoughts just never went away. Feeling bad about myself became normal, status quo, just... who I am.
I think it's at the heart of why I feel I have to be perfect. Being perfect is the only way to make up for all the terrible things I did when I was younger. I could NOT allow myself to mess up or make a mistake. I held myself to a higher standard because anything less meant I wasn't good enough. And isn't that the expected standard? Aren't we commanded by the Savior himself to be perfect? So that was my justification for why I was right to expect perfection and condemn (within myself) anything that wasn't. And - bonus! - because I'm human and mess-up constantly, I had plenty of opportunity to berate myself and see my faults and flaws as PROOF that I was worthless. I was supposed to be perfect, but couldn't be and because I couldn't, I was worthless. The fault was always mine. It was always there, that feeling that there was just something wrong within me. That I, or my entire being, was somehow wrong.
Hence my love of hating myself. Depression? You betcha! Suicidal thoughts? Check! Actually, I don't think anyone knows that about me, or at least, they didn't until just now. A couple of times in Junior High, High School and later years, I was pretty close to suicide. Really close, actually. Ironically, I never went through with it because I knew I would mess that up too!
You know what I just realized? Self-pity gives you an odd sense of power over other people. It allows you to make other people around you helpless. Because the problem is within me, no one else can fix it and on some level I know this. So I tell people how horrible my life is because it gives me their pity, which is a twisted form of attention, but it also justifies my depression/self-loathing. And because there's nothing anyone can do to change that, it reinforces itself - it perpetuates itself. It's just another way of feeling good about feeling bad about myself. (This is kind of a major breakthrough for me!!)
The realization is half the battle. Now that I know this I want to be able to wake up tomorrow totally different, but I know that these negative beliefs are very well ingrained. The neural pathways that underlie these connections are hard-wired at this point. But I do know that the mind is capable of changing those pathways, but that it takes time and constant, conscientious, reinforcement. I suddenly feel like I'm not up to the task. See? I'm already battling myself on these things.
This is going to take some doing. I can see that. But it is possible. I've been so busy punishing myself that I've hardly had time to acknowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and truly wants to help me. I haven't allowed the Savior to help me either, because I felt like I had to do everything on my own. It is also a self-inflicted punishment to deny the Savior's atoning sacrifice to work in my life. To refuse His grace. I need help knowing how to do that now. I need help knowing how to accept myself as a fallible human being, full of faults and flaws and knowing that I can't be perfect here, in this life, and that that's okay. Because for so long, it hasn't been.
I think I see now why I'm not "where" I wanted to be. I've been my own worst enemy. Granted, there is an adversary, pushing me to hate myself, but he never forced my hand. The poor choices I made were my own. And my thought patterns and beliefs have been working against me my entire life. I'm starting to feel like it's a miracle that I've achieved anything. That I'm even still here.
I have too many thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart right now and all I can think is, how do I end this on a positive note?!? I realize now that what started as an update, was really something I've been needing to acknowledge for myself for awhile now. I was about to delete all of this and put it in another journal, but I've decided not to. It might be inappropriate for me to have put such personal things out there. But perhaps they had power over me precisely because I was afraid of acknowledging them. I so often retreat within myself, rather than reaching out and asking for help. This is my way of saying, "I'm not afraid anymore." And, if I'm right, I'm probably not alone in my "faulty" beliefs and if there's anyone out there who can be helped by knowing you're not alone, then it's worth it.
I have known and been loved by so many wonderful people in my lifetime. To those of you who fit that category, I'm so sorry that I was too broken to really appreciate you. I pray that from now on I can really let you in and feel like I'm worth it.
I'm kind of cynical these days and, I'll be honest, maybe a little bit depressed. My expectation for where I'd be right now is SO different from where I am. And I mean "where" in both a literal and abstract sense. I did not expect to be single and living with my mom at the age of 35. I did not expect to be needing gas and food money at this point in my life. It's all the more difficult for having been independent for so long. Not that I'm not grateful, because I am. I wouldn't be surviving right now with out her help and I know she likes to be able to help. But there's something about being a guy that makes me feel less of a man for having to be so dependent. It's humbling and, frankly, I don't like it. I probably need it though... :)
Also, I never saw myself as being unemployed, overweight and single at this "where" in my life either. In my mind I saw myself as being much more successful regarding employment, weight loss/improved health, certainly married with a kid or two, etc. But it hasn't happened. I guess what's hard is that I only have myself to blame. If it didn't happen, it's because I didn't make it happen. I obviously made the choices that did NOT lead to the outcome I expected or wanted. Right now I'm trying to NOT beat myself up for that, but honestly... self-pity is soooo easy and comes soooo naturally to me!! I'm sure that's the bulk of my problem right there...
I wish I could live inside the mind of a really healthy person and see what it's like. What's it like to always make the right choices? What's it like to be positive all the time and be able to put a positive spin on things, even when challenges occur? I've never been the motivational-Tony Robbins-lets-go-out-and-crush-the-world kind of guy. I admire people like that. People who set their mind to something and are successful at it no matter the cost. That's not me - I'm much more passive.
Being unemployed, I've had a lot of time to think about this. What I've uncovered is a deep-seated "core" belief that it's wrong to feel good about myself. I have no idea where or when this started. I have no idea what event or events lead to this being the case, but it's very clear to me now that this belief has underscored much of my belief system as a whole and how I approach life. Essentially, I approach life as if I'm undeserving and not good enough (i.e., I don't "measure up"). It's at the heart of why I'm afraid of everything - I'm afraid that I won't be equal to whatever task is before me and even if I do achieve some measure of success, I'm afraid I don't deserve it.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, you know what would be really cool? Getting inside the mind of a really healthy person and then putting that person back into my life and see how they handle things. From the moment they wake up in my life to the moment they go to bed, what different choices would they make and why? Of course it's just a thought experiment, typical of someone who tends to over-think everything, and not really anything that can bring resolution.
I'm not sure what my self-effacing beliefs buy me. Maybe it's a sense of false-humility. You know, the idea that "I'm humble because I hate myself?" Which is NOT what humility is, and I know that now, but maybe when I was a little kid I didn't know that...
Much more likely is the sense that self-loathing is somehow penance. It's possible that it grew out of a desire to "pay for my sins." It's the idea that I deserve to be punished because I did something wrong. Quite frankly, I did a lot of things wrong and felt that I deserved to be punished and that somehow God's punishment wouldn't be enough. I had to multiply His punishment by punishing myself. I suppose some people turn to physical means of punishment, but I turned to emotional means of punishment. Phrases with hurtful labels like "I'm so stupid, I'm so ugly/fat, I'm such a moron, I'm such an idiot," etc. ran through my mind so frequently that, eventually, the feelings that accompanied those thoughts just never went away. Feeling bad about myself became normal, status quo, just... who I am.
I think it's at the heart of why I feel I have to be perfect. Being perfect is the only way to make up for all the terrible things I did when I was younger. I could NOT allow myself to mess up or make a mistake. I held myself to a higher standard because anything less meant I wasn't good enough. And isn't that the expected standard? Aren't we commanded by the Savior himself to be perfect? So that was my justification for why I was right to expect perfection and condemn (within myself) anything that wasn't. And - bonus! - because I'm human and mess-up constantly, I had plenty of opportunity to berate myself and see my faults and flaws as PROOF that I was worthless. I was supposed to be perfect, but couldn't be and because I couldn't, I was worthless. The fault was always mine. It was always there, that feeling that there was just something wrong within me. That I, or my entire being, was somehow wrong.
Hence my love of hating myself. Depression? You betcha! Suicidal thoughts? Check! Actually, I don't think anyone knows that about me, or at least, they didn't until just now. A couple of times in Junior High, High School and later years, I was pretty close to suicide. Really close, actually. Ironically, I never went through with it because I knew I would mess that up too!
You know what I just realized? Self-pity gives you an odd sense of power over other people. It allows you to make other people around you helpless. Because the problem is within me, no one else can fix it and on some level I know this. So I tell people how horrible my life is because it gives me their pity, which is a twisted form of attention, but it also justifies my depression/self-loathing. And because there's nothing anyone can do to change that, it reinforces itself - it perpetuates itself. It's just another way of feeling good about feeling bad about myself. (This is kind of a major breakthrough for me!!)
The realization is half the battle. Now that I know this I want to be able to wake up tomorrow totally different, but I know that these negative beliefs are very well ingrained. The neural pathways that underlie these connections are hard-wired at this point. But I do know that the mind is capable of changing those pathways, but that it takes time and constant, conscientious, reinforcement. I suddenly feel like I'm not up to the task. See? I'm already battling myself on these things.
This is going to take some doing. I can see that. But it is possible. I've been so busy punishing myself that I've hardly had time to acknowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and truly wants to help me. I haven't allowed the Savior to help me either, because I felt like I had to do everything on my own. It is also a self-inflicted punishment to deny the Savior's atoning sacrifice to work in my life. To refuse His grace. I need help knowing how to do that now. I need help knowing how to accept myself as a fallible human being, full of faults and flaws and knowing that I can't be perfect here, in this life, and that that's okay. Because for so long, it hasn't been.
I think I see now why I'm not "where" I wanted to be. I've been my own worst enemy. Granted, there is an adversary, pushing me to hate myself, but he never forced my hand. The poor choices I made were my own. And my thought patterns and beliefs have been working against me my entire life. I'm starting to feel like it's a miracle that I've achieved anything. That I'm even still here.
I have too many thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart right now and all I can think is, how do I end this on a positive note?!? I realize now that what started as an update, was really something I've been needing to acknowledge for myself for awhile now. I was about to delete all of this and put it in another journal, but I've decided not to. It might be inappropriate for me to have put such personal things out there. But perhaps they had power over me precisely because I was afraid of acknowledging them. I so often retreat within myself, rather than reaching out and asking for help. This is my way of saying, "I'm not afraid anymore." And, if I'm right, I'm probably not alone in my "faulty" beliefs and if there's anyone out there who can be helped by knowing you're not alone, then it's worth it.
I have known and been loved by so many wonderful people in my lifetime. To those of you who fit that category, I'm so sorry that I was too broken to really appreciate you. I pray that from now on I can really let you in and feel like I'm worth it.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Se la vie en Rose
Today marks the end of an era.
I sold my piano today.
I'm blogging about it because it affected me more than I thought it would.
I don't know what it was about seeing it strapped into someone else's trailer, but that was the moment when it "felt" like I was losing something. It had been carried onto the trailer, money changed hands, and I looked at it and realized it was no longer mine.
I know I'm far too sentimental about "physical objects" anyway, but this felt different. My parents purchased the piano thirty years ago - when I was five. It sat in the living room for a couple years before we moved to Highland. After a couple years there, when I was about 9 or 10, I heard some beautiful piano music, which spurred a desire in me to be able to do that as well. So I sat down and started picking out tunes to things and virtually taught myself to play. I didn't know it then, but I wasn't just learning to play the piano, I was beginning a relationship that would last for the next 25 years. (Only slightly less time than my relationships with my family and one close friend!)
I don't know why it is that I felt she had taken on a personality of her own. Maybe it was that she seemed to respond so well to my touch, whether gentle and light, or brutally heavy. It felt like she just loved to be played. Or maybe it was just that when I was playing, I could be myself. I wasn't very good, but she didn't seem to mind. For a fat little kid with virtually no friends and even less self-esteem, it meant the world to me that, in those moments, I could just be myself. When I played the piano I could be accurate or "fumbly" and she didn't care. She let me figure things out and was patient with me when a piece was particularly challenging. She didn't rush me or make me feel like something was way too advanced for me - which was usually the case! I could just be myself around her and that was good enough. I don't think she'll ever know how much that meant to me.
She's going to a good home where she will be lovingly played and most of all - appreciated. That's what I wanted for her, that another family or owner would see her value and appreciate her the way I do. I feel that's what she's getting. Her new family has young children who are learning to play, about the age I was when I started, so I know that she is perfect for them, because she was perfect for me.
It's strange, in a way, that we are both starting a new journey. We're both moving off to new places and will be "meeting" new people. I only realized, just now, that I am leaving with a greater sense of what she gave me so many years ago - the realization that it's okay to be me. I can just be myself and that's good enough. It's taken me a long time to learn that lesson, but she was with me through it all.
I know I'm stupid for feeling this way, but she holds a special place in my heart and I will miss her.
Her name was Rose.
I sold my piano today.
I'm blogging about it because it affected me more than I thought it would.
I don't know what it was about seeing it strapped into someone else's trailer, but that was the moment when it "felt" like I was losing something. It had been carried onto the trailer, money changed hands, and I looked at it and realized it was no longer mine.
I know I'm far too sentimental about "physical objects" anyway, but this felt different. My parents purchased the piano thirty years ago - when I was five. It sat in the living room for a couple years before we moved to Highland. After a couple years there, when I was about 9 or 10, I heard some beautiful piano music, which spurred a desire in me to be able to do that as well. So I sat down and started picking out tunes to things and virtually taught myself to play. I didn't know it then, but I wasn't just learning to play the piano, I was beginning a relationship that would last for the next 25 years. (Only slightly less time than my relationships with my family and one close friend!)
I don't know why it is that I felt she had taken on a personality of her own. Maybe it was that she seemed to respond so well to my touch, whether gentle and light, or brutally heavy. It felt like she just loved to be played. Or maybe it was just that when I was playing, I could be myself. I wasn't very good, but she didn't seem to mind. For a fat little kid with virtually no friends and even less self-esteem, it meant the world to me that, in those moments, I could just be myself. When I played the piano I could be accurate or "fumbly" and she didn't care. She let me figure things out and was patient with me when a piece was particularly challenging. She didn't rush me or make me feel like something was way too advanced for me - which was usually the case! I could just be myself around her and that was good enough. I don't think she'll ever know how much that meant to me.
She's going to a good home where she will be lovingly played and most of all - appreciated. That's what I wanted for her, that another family or owner would see her value and appreciate her the way I do. I feel that's what she's getting. Her new family has young children who are learning to play, about the age I was when I started, so I know that she is perfect for them, because she was perfect for me.
It's strange, in a way, that we are both starting a new journey. We're both moving off to new places and will be "meeting" new people. I only realized, just now, that I am leaving with a greater sense of what she gave me so many years ago - the realization that it's okay to be me. I can just be myself and that's good enough. It's taken me a long time to learn that lesson, but she was with me through it all.
I know I'm stupid for feeling this way, but she holds a special place in my heart and I will miss her.
Her name was Rose.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Life in limbo
I didn't sleep all that well last night. I remember tossing and turning several times. Then when I did "wake up," I had the nagging beginnings of a sore throat. I didn't feel sick though - as in, no aches/pains, no headache/migraines, etc., which helped me realize that I had been pushing my luck with my diet.
Over the last few of weeks I've not really paid attention to what I was eating. And being careless has resulted in eating lots of sugar, dairy and white flour. This is like a sore-throat cocktail when I think about it. Sugar depresses the immune system and contributes to inflammation. For me, dairy increases secretions, congestion and allergies/post-nasal drip. So it's not surprising that I would feel a sore throat coming on.
I've been thinking about why I haven't cared to keep track of what I was eating. I know one reason is this terrible limbo I'm in. I'm out of school and not working. I'm living at my mom's house again (which is more psychologically depressing than anything) and just waiting for my license to come through so I can officially move/start working. I have felt so out of place and purposeless. I've been through this really difficult Master's program and now that I (against all odds!) actually feel ready to start working in my new field, I'm just sitting around not doing anything. I feel like my life is kind of meaningless right now.
It's not the first time my life has felt meaningless, but it's first time I've had high enough self-esteem to really feel like I'm good at something and can make a difference in people's lives. And yet, here I am, just sitting here - not doing that.
As I've been reflecting on it I realize that this experience has been good in that it's helped me see that I haven't really been living my life with intention. I guess I've felt that if my life were filled with things to keep me busy then I was "living," but really I've just been living to distract myself with "busy-ness," not really living, or enjoying life. This makes me wonder, what is it that I'm trying to distract myself from? It's in those moments when I don't have enough to do that I feel purposeless, which to me also feels very much like not having worth or not measuring up - in other words, I'm not "busy" doing meaningful things, so I'm failing at life. That sounds a little drastic, but the little knot I feel in my stomach as I type this tells me I might be on to something here...
Just when I think I've dealt with my issues of poor self-esteem and low self-worth, some other aspect of it creeps up in another area of my life - which only proves to me how pervasive that belief system has been and how profoundly it's impacted every area of my life. But the more erroneous belief system connections I find, the more connections I can break, alter, or at the very least weaken.
Which I guess means it's time for me to make a schedule for myself of when to sleep and when to exercise. I also need to start doing more exercise than just walking. Even though walking is excellent exercise, I need to start pushing myself a little more. I also need to start to keep a food journal. It sounds like a pain, but after all, I have the time...
Over the last few of weeks I've not really paid attention to what I was eating. And being careless has resulted in eating lots of sugar, dairy and white flour. This is like a sore-throat cocktail when I think about it. Sugar depresses the immune system and contributes to inflammation. For me, dairy increases secretions, congestion and allergies/post-nasal drip. So it's not surprising that I would feel a sore throat coming on.
I've been thinking about why I haven't cared to keep track of what I was eating. I know one reason is this terrible limbo I'm in. I'm out of school and not working. I'm living at my mom's house again (which is more psychologically depressing than anything) and just waiting for my license to come through so I can officially move/start working. I have felt so out of place and purposeless. I've been through this really difficult Master's program and now that I (against all odds!) actually feel ready to start working in my new field, I'm just sitting around not doing anything. I feel like my life is kind of meaningless right now.
It's not the first time my life has felt meaningless, but it's first time I've had high enough self-esteem to really feel like I'm good at something and can make a difference in people's lives. And yet, here I am, just sitting here - not doing that.
As I've been reflecting on it I realize that this experience has been good in that it's helped me see that I haven't really been living my life with intention. I guess I've felt that if my life were filled with things to keep me busy then I was "living," but really I've just been living to distract myself with "busy-ness," not really living, or enjoying life. This makes me wonder, what is it that I'm trying to distract myself from? It's in those moments when I don't have enough to do that I feel purposeless, which to me also feels very much like not having worth or not measuring up - in other words, I'm not "busy" doing meaningful things, so I'm failing at life. That sounds a little drastic, but the little knot I feel in my stomach as I type this tells me I might be on to something here...
Just when I think I've dealt with my issues of poor self-esteem and low self-worth, some other aspect of it creeps up in another area of my life - which only proves to me how pervasive that belief system has been and how profoundly it's impacted every area of my life. But the more erroneous belief system connections I find, the more connections I can break, alter, or at the very least weaken.
Which I guess means it's time for me to make a schedule for myself of when to sleep and when to exercise. I also need to start doing more exercise than just walking. Even though walking is excellent exercise, I need to start pushing myself a little more. I also need to start to keep a food journal. It sounds like a pain, but after all, I have the time...
Friday, June 7, 2013
The right motivation
While I was out walking this morning I was thinking about what motivates me - specifically about exercise.
I've always had a thing about whether or not I should do something depending on whether or not I felt my motivation for it was right or wrong. For example: If I felt that my motivation to exercise was to "look good," then I would feel that that was shallow, superficial motivation and I wouldn't follow through on my commitment to exercise. On the other hand, if my motivation was to really take care of my health, then that was a "right" motivation, and I'd do the "right" things.
Essentially, I've wanted to do the right things FOR the right reason's and if I didn't have the right reason's, then I didn't do anything, even the "right" things. I know that's flawed logic, but there it is. (I must have adopted this view when I was little and when you're little, logic isn't at the forefront of your decision making processes...)
The problem is, we live in a world where we can't truly "see" good health. Don't get me wrong, to some degree good health equates to looking good. It's true that in general people who are healthy, also look good... usually. I do know some people who are healthy, but don't have a "perfect" body that "looks good." And certainly, not everyone who looks good is healthy (chain-smokers are pretty thin, but that's not a body I'd want!). And I'm just going to say it, skinny or not, some people are just ugly and it's not their fault! My point is, I guess I'm not the only one who sometimes gets distracted by appearances. Sure I would love to look good without having to actually work for it. Buying a ton of new clothes is easy. Plastic surgery is easy. Popping pills is easy. The problem is, when I change things on the outside I only change them on the outside and that extrinsic motivation fades - usually pretty quickly and usually with a bag of Oreo's!
Anyway, I realized that, while in and of itself, wanting to look good isn't necessarily bad, what is bad is that I wanted it without wanting to work for it. I thought looking good meant being worth something, and being more acceptable in society, so I was desperate to have it. Desperation doesn't usually lend itself well to wanting to work hard at making lasting positive life changes, just FYI.
But when I think about my health - may actual health, aside from appearance, then I start to ask questions about how I feel about myself on the inside; that's hard work sometimes. There are things about myself I don't want to admit to. But I also realize that my health is infinitely more important than my appearance. I DO want good health. I don't want to go through what my dad did with cancer. I don't want to live my life on a motorized scooter or barely able to get off the couch like some people. I don't want to live my life being sick, weak, uncomfortable and embarrassed or ashamed of myself all the time. I DO want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to travel and explore the world and try new things. I want to meet new people and see how they live. I want to hear other's perspectives on life. I want to find life enjoyable and fun. That can only come from good health, not just good appearances.
I guess the whole "wanting to look good to be accepted by others" is just another aspect of trying to find acceptance from outside myself, as if that could somehow give me permission to accept myself on the inside. But that only gives other people the power to determine my worth or how I should feel about myself. (No wonder I've felt weak and like a victim - I've chosen to put myself in that position!) The agency, or ability to choose how I feel about myself, is something I should NEVER give away. (But I see it all the time in other people too, so I guess I'm not the only one.)
I almost cringe now when I hear people respond to why they want to lose weight... "to look good!" among other things. What they're really saying is, I want to look good to other people, i.e., to be more acceptable. What about the people who say, "I don't care what other people think, I want to like what I see in the mirror?" People who really love themselves, don't look down on themselves - even when they acknowledge something they want to change. Again, if all you want is to change what you see in the mirror than you are only changing for superficial reasons! In other words, the mirror becomes a symbolic reflection of what you think the world thinks of you based on your appearance. Am I rambling now? I feel like I'm rambling. Is this making any sense?
My point is, looking good might be a nice side benefit to being healthy, but in and of itself, it just isn't enough of a "right" motivation to work hard at being healthy. The desire to be healthy should come from a desire to really be your best self and free you to enjoy living the life you want to live. There is so much joy and abundance in the world, but it takes being healthy to be apart of it.
I've always had a thing about whether or not I should do something depending on whether or not I felt my motivation for it was right or wrong. For example: If I felt that my motivation to exercise was to "look good," then I would feel that that was shallow, superficial motivation and I wouldn't follow through on my commitment to exercise. On the other hand, if my motivation was to really take care of my health, then that was a "right" motivation, and I'd do the "right" things.
Essentially, I've wanted to do the right things FOR the right reason's and if I didn't have the right reason's, then I didn't do anything, even the "right" things. I know that's flawed logic, but there it is. (I must have adopted this view when I was little and when you're little, logic isn't at the forefront of your decision making processes...)
The problem is, we live in a world where we can't truly "see" good health. Don't get me wrong, to some degree good health equates to looking good. It's true that in general people who are healthy, also look good... usually. I do know some people who are healthy, but don't have a "perfect" body that "looks good." And certainly, not everyone who looks good is healthy (chain-smokers are pretty thin, but that's not a body I'd want!). And I'm just going to say it, skinny or not, some people are just ugly and it's not their fault! My point is, I guess I'm not the only one who sometimes gets distracted by appearances. Sure I would love to look good without having to actually work for it. Buying a ton of new clothes is easy. Plastic surgery is easy. Popping pills is easy. The problem is, when I change things on the outside I only change them on the outside and that extrinsic motivation fades - usually pretty quickly and usually with a bag of Oreo's!
Anyway, I realized that, while in and of itself, wanting to look good isn't necessarily bad, what is bad is that I wanted it without wanting to work for it. I thought looking good meant being worth something, and being more acceptable in society, so I was desperate to have it. Desperation doesn't usually lend itself well to wanting to work hard at making lasting positive life changes, just FYI.
But when I think about my health - may actual health, aside from appearance, then I start to ask questions about how I feel about myself on the inside; that's hard work sometimes. There are things about myself I don't want to admit to. But I also realize that my health is infinitely more important than my appearance. I DO want good health. I don't want to go through what my dad did with cancer. I don't want to live my life on a motorized scooter or barely able to get off the couch like some people. I don't want to live my life being sick, weak, uncomfortable and embarrassed or ashamed of myself all the time. I DO want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to travel and explore the world and try new things. I want to meet new people and see how they live. I want to hear other's perspectives on life. I want to find life enjoyable and fun. That can only come from good health, not just good appearances.
I guess the whole "wanting to look good to be accepted by others" is just another aspect of trying to find acceptance from outside myself, as if that could somehow give me permission to accept myself on the inside. But that only gives other people the power to determine my worth or how I should feel about myself. (No wonder I've felt weak and like a victim - I've chosen to put myself in that position!) The agency, or ability to choose how I feel about myself, is something I should NEVER give away. (But I see it all the time in other people too, so I guess I'm not the only one.)
I almost cringe now when I hear people respond to why they want to lose weight... "to look good!" among other things. What they're really saying is, I want to look good to other people, i.e., to be more acceptable. What about the people who say, "I don't care what other people think, I want to like what I see in the mirror?" People who really love themselves, don't look down on themselves - even when they acknowledge something they want to change. Again, if all you want is to change what you see in the mirror than you are only changing for superficial reasons! In other words, the mirror becomes a symbolic reflection of what you think the world thinks of you based on your appearance. Am I rambling now? I feel like I'm rambling. Is this making any sense?
My point is, looking good might be a nice side benefit to being healthy, but in and of itself, it just isn't enough of a "right" motivation to work hard at being healthy. The desire to be healthy should come from a desire to really be your best self and free you to enjoy living the life you want to live. There is so much joy and abundance in the world, but it takes being healthy to be apart of it.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The promises we keep
I woke up this morning to a feeble light trying to find its way into my room. Feeble, but persistent as it had to travel through a covered patio, a covered window well and two sets of curtains. I'm surprised any light made it through at all. The brief joy of waking naturally was quickly replaced with the discomfort of sore and achy muscles. First, from the two to three days of packing and cleaning my old place and second, from the strange contours of a new, unfamiliar bed.
A blind stretch to my nightstand, gentle groping and a squinty-through-one-eyelid glance at the piercing light of my cell phone display told me it was 6:13am. My first reaction was to bemoan how early I had awoken, knowing that I had given myself permission to sleep in, but then I recalled that I had gone to bed at 10:00pm the night before and getting eight hours of sleep felt like an accomplishment; even if I was pretty sore.
"Well now what am I going to do?" was the actual question I asked myself.
"Go back to sleep," was the obvious answer! ... and yet...
I couldn't help but watch the light, which seemed to be glowing, behind the curtains. Was it blue because it was indirect and had to go through so many levels of obstacles? Or was it blue because the sky was a brilliant morning blue, however far away it may be? All I knew was that the light meant that the sun was rising on a new day and did I really want to miss it?
Then I began to contemplate my life and the sudden changes I am experiencing. Graduation from a program that felt like it would never end. Unexpectedly obtaining a job... in another state. The ensuing purge of neglected possessions; some to throw out, others to donate. Then packing and cleaning and the realization that nothing will ever be the same for me...
"Can I really leave my family? My friends? My whole life has been here. How can I just leave it behind like this?" What a curious thought - that my life is somehow tied to a specific set of circumstances! Isn't my life my own? Isn't my life simply wherever I happen to be? And what do I want out of life?
It had been suggested to me that this change is an opportunity to make a new start. That was an idea that had already occurred to me, truth be told, but another idea also occurred to me. What guarantees me being a new person simply because I move to a new place? The truth is, when I move I will be "taking myself" with me. I will be taking my same thoughts, my same words, my same ideas, my same beliefs, my same way of seeing the world and others and myself... Will all of that mysteriously change simply because I move to a new place?
Another realization, which is perhaps somewhat self-convicting, why am I living a life where it becomes necessary, or even just desirable, to "start over?" If I need a new start, perhaps I wasn't really living "my" life to the fullest. Perhaps I spent to many mornings "sleeping in."
(Side note: I love these deep philosophical debates with myself, no matter what time of day it is!)
I had resolved that if I am going to make a new start, it is only going to be coincidence that it's happening along with other changes in my life. I am going to "make a new start" simply because I want to live a different life, starting today. So I did what I promised myself I would do and went for a walk this morning.
Now, I don't know where or when this started, but for as long as I can remember, every time I exercise, I immediately feel ashamed and like people are going to laugh at me. Today was no different. Being in a (temporarily) new neighborhood WASN'T liberating, as I had thought it might be. It was just a newer set faces to look at me and make fun of me; new people to be afraid of. But I had made a promise to myself that I was going to live my life not fearing what other people may or may not be thinking of me. So I set out.
I took in several deep breaths of air, held my head up high and started walking. The sky WAS in fact a brilliant morning blue. While it WAS light outside, the sun, much to my chagrin, had not yet risen. A five minute walk took me to an open field and just as I reached it, the sun slid up from behind the mountains. I felt like it was shining just for me at that moment.
My walk also took me past a busy street (yay - more people to stare at me!) that runs under some train tracks. During a brief lull in traffic, I got this fun view:
That may sound anti-climactic for some. But for me, it's a big deal, not for the act of walking, but for the meaning behind it. It meant that I was challenging my own beliefs and thoughts about myself. I haven't always felt that I was worth much, but today I chose to believe that I was worth something. I have always been afraid of what other people may think or say, but today I chose to believe that it didn't matter (FYI - nobody made fun of me for exercising!). I haven't always believed that I deserve to improve myself, but today I chose to believe that I do.
So maybe it's just coincidence that I am taking these risks now that I've graduated and am in the process of moving to a new place. Or maybe I just needed this upheaval in circumstances as an impetus to make some changes within. I accept now that the changes I make within are the ones that determine my life and NOT my circumstances. It's not where I live, or what I own, or even what I look like - it's how I think and feel about myself and how I treat myself that determine my life.
Today was just a Wednesday. But it was a great day because it was a new start - a new life of faith, of belief and of keeping promises to myself.
A blind stretch to my nightstand, gentle groping and a squinty-through-one-eyelid glance at the piercing light of my cell phone display told me it was 6:13am. My first reaction was to bemoan how early I had awoken, knowing that I had given myself permission to sleep in, but then I recalled that I had gone to bed at 10:00pm the night before and getting eight hours of sleep felt like an accomplishment; even if I was pretty sore.
"Well now what am I going to do?" was the actual question I asked myself.
"Go back to sleep," was the obvious answer! ... and yet...
I couldn't help but watch the light, which seemed to be glowing, behind the curtains. Was it blue because it was indirect and had to go through so many levels of obstacles? Or was it blue because the sky was a brilliant morning blue, however far away it may be? All I knew was that the light meant that the sun was rising on a new day and did I really want to miss it?
Then I began to contemplate my life and the sudden changes I am experiencing. Graduation from a program that felt like it would never end. Unexpectedly obtaining a job... in another state. The ensuing purge of neglected possessions; some to throw out, others to donate. Then packing and cleaning and the realization that nothing will ever be the same for me...
"Can I really leave my family? My friends? My whole life has been here. How can I just leave it behind like this?" What a curious thought - that my life is somehow tied to a specific set of circumstances! Isn't my life my own? Isn't my life simply wherever I happen to be? And what do I want out of life?
It had been suggested to me that this change is an opportunity to make a new start. That was an idea that had already occurred to me, truth be told, but another idea also occurred to me. What guarantees me being a new person simply because I move to a new place? The truth is, when I move I will be "taking myself" with me. I will be taking my same thoughts, my same words, my same ideas, my same beliefs, my same way of seeing the world and others and myself... Will all of that mysteriously change simply because I move to a new place?
Another realization, which is perhaps somewhat self-convicting, why am I living a life where it becomes necessary, or even just desirable, to "start over?" If I need a new start, perhaps I wasn't really living "my" life to the fullest. Perhaps I spent to many mornings "sleeping in."
(Side note: I love these deep philosophical debates with myself, no matter what time of day it is!)
I had resolved that if I am going to make a new start, it is only going to be coincidence that it's happening along with other changes in my life. I am going to "make a new start" simply because I want to live a different life, starting today. So I did what I promised myself I would do and went for a walk this morning.
Now, I don't know where or when this started, but for as long as I can remember, every time I exercise, I immediately feel ashamed and like people are going to laugh at me. Today was no different. Being in a (temporarily) new neighborhood WASN'T liberating, as I had thought it might be. It was just a newer set faces to look at me and make fun of me; new people to be afraid of. But I had made a promise to myself that I was going to live my life not fearing what other people may or may not be thinking of me. So I set out.
I took in several deep breaths of air, held my head up high and started walking. The sky WAS in fact a brilliant morning blue. While it WAS light outside, the sun, much to my chagrin, had not yet risen. A five minute walk took me to an open field and just as I reached it, the sun slid up from behind the mountains. I felt like it was shining just for me at that moment.
Just south of Thanksgiving Point in Lehi, Utah looking eastward
My walk also took me past a busy street (yay - more people to stare at me!) that runs under some train tracks. During a brief lull in traffic, I got this fun view:
But without a doubt, the best view was the one I got when I made it home. What was that great view? I had kept my promise to myself!That may sound anti-climactic for some. But for me, it's a big deal, not for the act of walking, but for the meaning behind it. It meant that I was challenging my own beliefs and thoughts about myself. I haven't always felt that I was worth much, but today I chose to believe that I was worth something. I have always been afraid of what other people may think or say, but today I chose to believe that it didn't matter (FYI - nobody made fun of me for exercising!). I haven't always believed that I deserve to improve myself, but today I chose to believe that I do.
So maybe it's just coincidence that I am taking these risks now that I've graduated and am in the process of moving to a new place. Or maybe I just needed this upheaval in circumstances as an impetus to make some changes within. I accept now that the changes I make within are the ones that determine my life and NOT my circumstances. It's not where I live, or what I own, or even what I look like - it's how I think and feel about myself and how I treat myself that determine my life.
Today was just a Wednesday. But it was a great day because it was a new start - a new life of faith, of belief and of keeping promises to myself.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Post graduation update
So... I graduated a couple of weeks ago! Woohoo! Now what?
It was great to walk at graduation and be with so many friends that I've come to know and love so well. It makes me sad to think that I won't get to interact with them on a daily basis anymore, but I love the idea that there are 35 people out there with whom I will, in some small way, always be connected no matter where we go. And I kind of hope they do move all over so I can visit them!! :)
I wasn't as diligent in blogging during grad school as much as I wanted to. I've found it to be a great release for me and a nice record to reflect on. Part of the reason that I haven't blogged is because of the number of lessons I've learned throughout the program - lessons about life and myself. I wanted to write a sort of compendium of all that I've learned, but I realize that I just can't; I wouldn't know where to start. Or maybe, I wouldn't know where to finish, because I'm still learning...
Next week will be my last week at my externship. Once I'm finished, my clinical hours are reviewed and approved, then I can start filling out the paperwork for licensure. I've already started looking for jobs and it's going to be tough. My first year needs to have a small percentage of clinical mentorship, what we call a Clinical Fellowship - kind of like our version of a residency - but once I've completed my CF, then I will receive my national certification and can practice in any state. So it's a little more involved than just finding a job - I need to find a CF job and those are not as plentiful. So I'm looking nationally. I would like to stay here, but it may not be possible for my first year of employment - which I'm okay with.
I'm torn though because I feel like I need to stay AND I feel like I need to leave. I don't know which feeling is more right. I think I want to leave because I feel like I need a new start. I've completed this really tough program and now I want to go out into the world and experience something new. But I think what I really want is to get away from myself; from old habits and old beliefs. I feel like going to a new place would allow me the chance to shed my old skin and be someone new. But I also know enough to know that people who try to run from themselves are never successful. So that makes me realize that what I want doesn't have anything to do with my "surroundings," but it has everything to do with my "insidings." If what I want is to change on the inside, then it won't matter where I live. It will take the same amount of determination to change myself here as it would someplace new. (In fact, I think the worst thing I could do would be to go somewhere new, only to realize that I had kept all my old beliefs and perspectives, meaning I would end up making the same choices and mistakes in that new place, which would be completely discouraging...)
I'm faced with a lot of uncertainty at the moment and, historically, I've not been very good at that. I get worried, afraid and live in constant panic, it seems, but this time I'm not afraid or worried. I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and I know that He wants the best for me. So, wherever I end up getting a job, it will be the right place for me. The trust that I've developed is, in and of itself, proof of how I've changed and evidence of what I've learned. So, while I don't know what's coming next for me, I do know that whatever it is, it's going to be great!
It was great to walk at graduation and be with so many friends that I've come to know and love so well. It makes me sad to think that I won't get to interact with them on a daily basis anymore, but I love the idea that there are 35 people out there with whom I will, in some small way, always be connected no matter where we go. And I kind of hope they do move all over so I can visit them!! :)
I wasn't as diligent in blogging during grad school as much as I wanted to. I've found it to be a great release for me and a nice record to reflect on. Part of the reason that I haven't blogged is because of the number of lessons I've learned throughout the program - lessons about life and myself. I wanted to write a sort of compendium of all that I've learned, but I realize that I just can't; I wouldn't know where to start. Or maybe, I wouldn't know where to finish, because I'm still learning...
Next week will be my last week at my externship. Once I'm finished, my clinical hours are reviewed and approved, then I can start filling out the paperwork for licensure. I've already started looking for jobs and it's going to be tough. My first year needs to have a small percentage of clinical mentorship, what we call a Clinical Fellowship - kind of like our version of a residency - but once I've completed my CF, then I will receive my national certification and can practice in any state. So it's a little more involved than just finding a job - I need to find a CF job and those are not as plentiful. So I'm looking nationally. I would like to stay here, but it may not be possible for my first year of employment - which I'm okay with.
I'm torn though because I feel like I need to stay AND I feel like I need to leave. I don't know which feeling is more right. I think I want to leave because I feel like I need a new start. I've completed this really tough program and now I want to go out into the world and experience something new. But I think what I really want is to get away from myself; from old habits and old beliefs. I feel like going to a new place would allow me the chance to shed my old skin and be someone new. But I also know enough to know that people who try to run from themselves are never successful. So that makes me realize that what I want doesn't have anything to do with my "surroundings," but it has everything to do with my "insidings." If what I want is to change on the inside, then it won't matter where I live. It will take the same amount of determination to change myself here as it would someplace new. (In fact, I think the worst thing I could do would be to go somewhere new, only to realize that I had kept all my old beliefs and perspectives, meaning I would end up making the same choices and mistakes in that new place, which would be completely discouraging...)
I'm faced with a lot of uncertainty at the moment and, historically, I've not been very good at that. I get worried, afraid and live in constant panic, it seems, but this time I'm not afraid or worried. I know that Heavenly Father is watching out for me and I know that He wants the best for me. So, wherever I end up getting a job, it will be the right place for me. The trust that I've developed is, in and of itself, proof of how I've changed and evidence of what I've learned. So, while I don't know what's coming next for me, I do know that whatever it is, it's going to be great!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
How to be awesome
I almost forgot I had a deceptively impersonal non-interactive method of venting... I mean blog! (let's face it...)
So I am knee deep into my 1st externship of my FINAL semester! I am exhausted!!! The whole program has been hard (uh... challenging... uh... in a good way...), but I can't remember ever being this tired! (I'm starting to wonder, did I get mono or something?) It's been a great experience and I've learned a ton. One thing I've realized is how hard I am on myself. I really do expect to "be perfect" the first time I do something and when I'm not, or when I forget something or make a mistake, I feel like the worst person in the whole world. Why am I lame like that? I just need someone to smack me and say "dude, snap out of it!" (I'm not actually inviting anyone to smack me, fyi, I'm being rhetorical.)
The externship has been great, what's been hard is how high my expectations have been for myself. I'm NOT okay with making mistakes and the reality of my imperfect, mistake-making human-ness is relentlessly brutalizing me. Which I guess means I'm growing. Wow, being "okay" with mistakes... does anyone have any advice for me on how to do that? This is a non-rhetorical question. I'm literally asking anyone and everyone to please let me know.
Here's where I'm at right now:
I don't know what the 2nd step is because I haven't mastered the 1st step yet!!
So I am knee deep into my 1st externship of my FINAL semester! I am exhausted!!! The whole program has been hard (uh... challenging... uh... in a good way...), but I can't remember ever being this tired! (I'm starting to wonder, did I get mono or something?) It's been a great experience and I've learned a ton. One thing I've realized is how hard I am on myself. I really do expect to "be perfect" the first time I do something and when I'm not, or when I forget something or make a mistake, I feel like the worst person in the whole world. Why am I lame like that? I just need someone to smack me and say "dude, snap out of it!" (I'm not actually inviting anyone to smack me, fyi, I'm being rhetorical.)
The externship has been great, what's been hard is how high my expectations have been for myself. I'm NOT okay with making mistakes and the reality of my imperfect, mistake-making human-ness is relentlessly brutalizing me. Which I guess means I'm growing. Wow, being "okay" with mistakes... does anyone have any advice for me on how to do that? This is a non-rhetorical question. I'm literally asking anyone and everyone to please let me know.
Here's where I'm at right now:
I don't know what the 2nd step is because I haven't mastered the 1st step yet!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Post holiday update
Christmas was fantastic! I had an awesome day with my family. We ate lots of great food and watched movies, as well as tested the limits of my mom's internet connection/bandwidth. We were all on at least one electronic device for most of the day. It makes me laugh when we are all in the same room and all on an iPad or smartphone and not really talking to each other. Our "conversations" usually go like this:
"Hey, have you seen ______ on Pinterest/YouTube, etc.?"
"No, I'll look it up."
-Looks it up-
"Ha, that's awesome/funny/cute, etc."
We are the modern American family.
The next day, i.e., the day after Christmas, my sister and I got the stomach flu. (I think it's now been named the NORO Virus?) Anyway, my sister went to the emergency room - I was fortunate in that I didn't have to go to the hospital. But it laid me out. I haven't been that sick... ever, I think. I did calculate that I haven't thrown up in 15 years - which is a testament to healthy eating and how averse I am to throwing up!
I didn't take any medicine and I think that helped me get better faster; I was better after 6 days and I'm hearing that it's taking most people at least 10. I really feel that, while medicine eases symptoms, it also delays true healing. I can either endure the symptoms for a few days or endure mild symptoms for a long time. I would rather be really sick and then get better sooner.
New Years. I tried to go to bed early, but my sleep cycles were so off that I couldn't even go to sleep until after 12... I actually wanted to go to bed at 9:30, but, oh well! I think that makes me officially old.
All in all, I enjoyed the holidays and my break. Sure, I was sick for most of it, but it was a great time to get sick because I didn't have anything else going on. I did go a bit crazy with nothing to do and I have some issues with feeling unproductive, but I think that may be material for a later post. I am glad to be back in school - this is my last semester, which is somewhat surreal to say and it probably will be until I actually graduate! I'm in a good place and happy to be where I am.
"Hey, have you seen ______ on Pinterest/YouTube, etc.?"
"No, I'll look it up."
-Looks it up-
"Ha, that's awesome/funny/cute, etc."
We are the modern American family.
The next day, i.e., the day after Christmas, my sister and I got the stomach flu. (I think it's now been named the NORO Virus?) Anyway, my sister went to the emergency room - I was fortunate in that I didn't have to go to the hospital. But it laid me out. I haven't been that sick... ever, I think. I did calculate that I haven't thrown up in 15 years - which is a testament to healthy eating and how averse I am to throwing up!
I didn't take any medicine and I think that helped me get better faster; I was better after 6 days and I'm hearing that it's taking most people at least 10. I really feel that, while medicine eases symptoms, it also delays true healing. I can either endure the symptoms for a few days or endure mild symptoms for a long time. I would rather be really sick and then get better sooner.
New Years. I tried to go to bed early, but my sleep cycles were so off that I couldn't even go to sleep until after 12... I actually wanted to go to bed at 9:30, but, oh well! I think that makes me officially old.
All in all, I enjoyed the holidays and my break. Sure, I was sick for most of it, but it was a great time to get sick because I didn't have anything else going on. I did go a bit crazy with nothing to do and I have some issues with feeling unproductive, but I think that may be material for a later post. I am glad to be back in school - this is my last semester, which is somewhat surreal to say and it probably will be until I actually graduate! I'm in a good place and happy to be where I am.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)