Two diseases

I was somewhat surprised to see that my last post was in October. Here it is December already. The last few months have been really hard for me. The move here (in August) and the new job has proved more challenging than I care to admit. (Although here I am, admitting it!) I haven't wanted to publicly put this out there for a few reasons. The main reason is, I didn't know why this change was so hard. I was SO excited for it. I was SO looking forward to the change and to the new job. But when I got here and started work, circumstances turned out to be nothing like what I expected and it felt like I had been sucker-punched by life. At the very least, I felt like Heavenly Father had tricked me somehow. No, more like punished me. I felt that I had made a terrible mistake and I immediately felt trapped in a circumstance I couldn't change.

I've been doing a lot of praying and pondering about that. Why wasn't I happier being here when this situation appeared to have everything I wanted? A great job that I am actually good at. A service-oriented job, where I'm helping people. Independence and taking care of myself. The adventure of exploring a new place and meeting new people. All great things, so why not enough?

I was having some health problems - depression, extreme fatigue, frequent illnesses - usually of the stomach flu variety. I went to a doctor and she helped me see that I am gluten-intolerant. She didn't actually do a "celiac" test, but I seem to have all the symptoms and blood-work of someone with gluten-intolerance and leaky-gut syndrome. Which sounds gross, and in reality is, but at least I had an explanation. It's a strange sort of comfort - being able to name a disease; I suppose it's because humans are built to label or categorize and finally having a name for something means I can wrap my head around it and learn how to deal with it, rather than just go on thinking I'm crazy. (Can't both be true? hehe)

So I've been working on changing my diet and taking some supplements, etc. And it's been helping. I can actually get through the day and maybe do some laundry or dishes when I get home, instead of crashing completely. But still dissatisfied. Even though I have the energy to wake up, I dread it because it means I have to go to work, which is what I really dread. My job has been the single most stressful and confusing factor of my life right now. Ultimately, it's a fantastic job and one I SHOULD be loving, but I'm not. I SHOULD be feeling a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when a patient tells me how much they appreciate how I'm helping them, but I don't. It makes me feel like a cold, calloused, hardened person and I just don't think that's me. (I guess I'm grateful to be aware of the incongruity, because it means I know myself and I know that how I've been at this job is not who I really am.) I understand it, but it's jarring.

I have, as recently as today, come to understand that I have another disease, much worse than gluten-intolerance and leaky-gut syndrome - self-pity.

Self-pity. What a curse! It sprouted in my infancy and, like a weed, has invaded every part of my life. Sending out tendrils that subtly wrap around and choke positive thoughts or emotions. It's many thorns make it difficult to hold on to, to rip it out of the ground of my beliefs. But it's greatest asset is it's camouflage. It has blended in and remained hidden within my thoughts my whole life. Making me afraid. Making me doubt myself. Making me depressed, and so on. It was this massive change in my life that finally revealed it to me. As if I were trying to completely renovate my "mental garden," only to find this insidious weed has been growing maliciously everywhere. It is the root of all my disordered or faulty thinking.

Now the big question is, what do I do about it? It is ironic that even in the middle of praying for the help to let it go, I began to feel sorry for myself. I actually began to feel sorry for myself at the prospect of letting that same self-pity go!! Lame!! It's like it has a built in defense system that won't allow it to be removed. Some kind of twisted fail-safe or something. Which only makes me realize how pervasive it has become and makes the task of removing it all the more daunting. Difficult, but not impossible.

One question I have is, how will I fill the hole it will leave behind? It has been with me my whole life; hurting me, yes, but still comfortable for its familiarity. How do I just let that go? I know I have to, though. The damage it has done feels irreparable, however and I don't know what to replace it with. Extensive internet research (yeah, five minutes on Google again...), tells me that I'm not alone. There is a lot of advice on how to get rid of self-pity and I plan on trying just about anything. But what saddens me the most - and I don't quite know how to say this - is why didn't the gospel help me overcome this sooner? Don't I believe I have access to the true gospel of Jesus Christ? And doesn't that gospel inherently proclaim that the worth of souls is great in the sight of God? Why didn't the truth of the gospel help me more?  I am not doubting the gospel, or the church, or its veracity. It IS true. I know it. I just don't know why it didn't help me sooner.

I guess the answer lies in the initial problem - self-pity. Self-pity makes me feel worthless and undeserving. I'm sure that what I needed from the gospel has been there the whole time, but I wouldn't let it in; I couldn't accept it when it differed so much from what I already believed about myself. I suppose I reconciled my beliefs by thinking that salvation and hope is there for all mankind - just not for me. I had faith in the Savior, but not in myself. The irony is, if I truly believe that the Savior, who is all powerful, can save anyone, then I have to believe He can save even me. Conversely, If I don't have faith in me, then I don't have faith in Him. Essentially, I'm telling Him, "You're power may be great, but it's not great enough to save me. I'm too far gone. Not even your infinite offering can cover me because I'm too fallen and lost. Sure, you can save everyone else, but that's because no one is as far gone as I am. I am too much of a worthless sinner, so I'm out of your reach." Clearly, that is self-pity talking. I don't want to live outside of His reach anymore. I know that I never really was, but I couldn't let myself feel it; now I want to. I want to get rid of self-pity so that I can live authentically. I want to enjoy my life, even if there are parts of it I don't enjoy. Self-pity says, "if you don't already have it, you don't deserve it." That is why I pine after better circumstances. That is why I have the classic, "when I have _____, then I'll be happy" syndrome. That's why I believe only the right external circumstances make life enjoyable and why I'll never have them - because if I deserved them, I would have them already.

It helps to type this all out. Only now, as I re-read what I've written, am I really able to appreciate how twisted this line of "reasoning" is. And it isn't reason at all, it's just f***ing stupid!! (Sorry) Self-pity is the reason I get depressed. It's the reason I feel powerless. It's the reason I have poor self-esteem. It's the reason I can't enjoy life, because I won't let myself enjoy life. Same for my job. It's the reason I turn to food for comfort. Maybe the gluten-intolerance I've experienced is just my body's way of saying, "hey dude, this really isn't the answer..." I'm at that weird stage where I've identified what's wrong and I want to change it, like, now! But that isn't going to happen. This has been with me for so long that I'm going to need a lot of time to let this go and this is the hardest stage for me to be in. It means I have to accept something is a part of me that I don't want. It means I have to be okay with something I'm not okay with, but there's no short-cut; there's no way around it. I have to wake up tomorrow and put my guard up. I have to combat every thought and feeling that would drag me back into self-pity. It is hard, but I also know that I don't have to do it alone. I know I won't be alone. I know that the Savior knows exactly how I feel. He felt it before I did, and He felt it so completely, that He knows exactly how to help me. I hope I learn how to do it well enough that, someday, maybe I can help someone else know how to get out of it too.