Change

For the sake of honesty, I haven't been doing well lately. I've had a lot of things happen that have stressed me out and I guess I don't handle stress that well because I either sleep a lot (neglecting other things I should be doing), or I eat comfort food (which also makes me feel gross and adversly effects my moods within 12 hours of eating), or I do both. Lately, I've been doing both.

It's hard to do good things for myself when I feel like I really don't deserve it. I realize this is a mild form of depression and I know what I need to do about it. But that's the trap, I know what I need to do to feel better, but then I feel like I don't deserve it, so I don't do it. Then I hit bottom. Although, it's not exactly "hitting" bottom, which in my mind feels like falling off a cliff and smacking the ground; as much as I think I more slowly slide into bottom, face down and face first. Then I roll over and look up and think, "okay, I'm at the bottom, I gotta change." So I get up and start over. Then life happens, I get stresed out and the cycle starts over again.

I've realized that I am more effected by the myriad of small things that creep up everyday, rather than the larger more "acute" events. For example, I got rear-ended on my birthday... no big deal. I didn't freak out, I knew everything would work out okay, which it did. Then, a couple of days later, someone got a hold of my credit card number. They didn't do too much damage and the bank worked everything out. No biggie.

Here's what REALLY freaks me out: I have bills I haven't paid yet, I have to do my dishes, I need to clean my kitchen (once I can see it, sans dishes), I have to do my laundry, I have to go get quarters to be able to do my laundry, I have to go to the bank, I have to blog, I have to make home-teaching appointments (or I have to prepare the home teaching message), I have to study (ha ha, I mean read - who has time to study?) the scriptures, I have to explain to people why I didn't go to church, I have to call my mother, I have to email people back, I have to study for my GRE prep course, I have to do my taxes, I have to exercise, I have to pray, I have to never sin again, and the list goes on and on... My life starts to feel so crowded with things that I "HAVE" to do, that I don't know where to start, so I don't. I sleep, or I eat.

But today, I'm at the bottom and ready to get back up again. Here's what I've decided I need to do:
1. Let go of the reins. I feel like I am holding the reins of two horses, who are dragging me over the bumpy, dusty ground. One horse is the past, and the other is the future. I need to let go of the past because I can't do anything about it now. I need to let go of the future because... I don't know how to describe this, but when I think about who I "should" be, I get discouraged at the gap between that guy and who I am today. I wonder, how? How will I ever become the man I want to be when I feel so messed up now? I have a tendancy to overthink everything - even the future. By letting go of the future, I'm telling myself that it doesn't matter who I am tomorrow; what matter's is who I am choosing to be today. So if I can let go of the reins, then I can free myself to take life one day at a time.
2. Tell myself, "I don't need to be perfect today - I just need to do the best I can."
3. (Related to #2) Be okay with not being perfect and don't resist change. I know we came to this earth to gain a body and be tested (sometimes tested BY our bodies), and that's the "Sunday School" answer, but my own personal opinion of why we're here is to change. We were children of our Heavenly Father, but we were unlike Him. He presented a plan that would enable us to become like Him. The whole plan is based on changing - from being unlike our Father, to becoming like Him. Change is not only good, it's necessary. I can be okay with not being perfect, because it's only the starting point and it's the whole reason I'm here on earth anyway. I think I have really, really beat myself up for being imperfect, not realizing that that was the point of being here. So today, I'm going to look in the mirror and say, "you don't have to be perfect today, just do the best you can."
4. Taking care of my health is not selfish, it's a necessity.

When I look back over my life and think about the times I was most successful at accomplishing something I see a pattern, I was Conscious of what needed to be done and I was Consistent in doing it. I think those two things will help me the most, Conscious and Consistent. For example: I am aware that I don't think of myself in the highest regard (when I say "think" in this sense, I mean literally, they way I "speak to myself" in my mind is negative), so I need to make a CONSCIOUS effort to "think" more positively of myself (or, in other words, "speak to myself" in my mind in a more positive manner) and I need to do this CONISTENTLY. That feels doable when I think of it in terms of just taking things one day at a time. "Today, be aware (conscious) and put in the effort (consistent), then at the end of the day, review how I did and plan to do the same (or make adjustments) tomorrow."