Rescue

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I used to, but I think I was more caught up in the hype of experiencing a new year and wondering what the year would hold for me and thinking of all the possibilities. The truth is, I am constantly seeking the resolve to make changes, regardless of the time of year.  And when I say “changes” what I really mean is “improvements.” I want to be a better man tomorrow than I am today.

But it’s deeper than just “self-improvement” or wanting to be better; what I mean by better is to be comfortable with who I am, the way I am, in my own skin, whatever my circumstances may be. It’s wanting to be so comfortable with myself that I naturally have the energy to contribute to all the good that happens in this world and to fulfill some role that will give happiness and meaning to the lives of those I meet; to be so fully authentic within myself that I can connect with others and help them feel loved – and accepted – for who they are; to provide comfort and consolation in times of trial; to share encouragement and praise in their triumphs; to offer support and counsel if needed; ultimately, to help them feel like they are not alone.

The irony, is how difficult it has been to fill that role for myself. I think I’ve had it backwards for a long time in that I’ve truly believed that I needed others to make me feel loved; that I needed others to make me feel accepted, comforted, consoled, encouraged, praised, supported, etc. And yet, even when I’ve had those things from others, I have still felt lonely and empty. It has taken me a long time to realize that it’s because I was the cause of the emptiness.

If my proverbial self-concept bucket was empty it wasn’t because there was no one to fill it, it was because I kept dumping it out.

I won’t go into the myriad reasons why this is the case (see ANY of my previous blog posts!!), but I will admit to one thing: I have been condemning myself my whole life. Any sin I commit or weakness I encounter and I am quick to condemn myself; any act of service or love I complete and I still condemn myself, because I could have done more, because it wasn’t enough, because I wasn’t enough and so on.

Self-condemnation is a victim’s “bread and butter,” so to speak. It has a lot of payoffs. It feels like humility. It establishes my place in life – which is at the bottom – which is something I can always count on and anything you can count on is predictable, i.e., feels safe (and victims ALWAYS need safety). From a religious standpoint, it ensures God will take pity on me and mercifully free me from my trials (i.e., the consequences of my own actions!) because I’ve “suffered enough.” (Which is wildly inaccurate, but that’s victim logic for you!)

The point I’m trying to get to here is, I’ve spent my entire life condemning myself for who I am AND for who I have failed to be. While there may be many “needs” that have only served to reinforce this condition, there is one in particular I want to mention: the need to be rescued.

Coming from the framework of a victim, I am not responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me, therefore I am not responsible for the deplorable circumstances I find myself living in (e.g., fat, broke and lonely). But if I’m not responsible for my problems, then I can also bear no responsibility for solving those problems, which means the solution MUST come from outside of me. In other words, I didn’t cause my problems, therefore I’m not responsible to find the solutions. As a result, I HAVE to be rescued because I don’t have the power to rescue myself.

That idea – dare I say “dream?” – of being rescued is so powerful for me, that I think I had begun to condemn myself simply to keep the hope of “being rescued” alive. I mean, who wouldn’t want a supernatural, all-powerful being to swoop in and rescue them from a life of pain, drudgery, misery and disappointment? Rescue means relief; it means hope; it means an end to pain and suffering; it means a life of ease and rest – and all at the merciful hands of another.

While I naturally think of characters like Superman as heroes who rescue, I also think of all the substitutes we victims might use in an effort to “rescue” us from our miserable, petty lives. Maybe some of us believe we will find rescue in financial security or in material wealth; or in that one, magical, meaningful relationship; or through accomplishments which garner public praise and accolades; maybe we hope to find rescue through our vices and addictions (such as food? *cough, cough*), because they make us feel good, even if it’s temporary. I don’t know, just something to think about.

In any case, these things will NOT rescue us, because they are external to us and cannot satisfy an internal need. Which brings me back to needs. I “needed” to condemn myself in order to create the possibility of being rescued. Here’s the ironic rub – I probably wouldn’t have felt the need to be rescued if I hadn’t been condemning myself in the first place!! (explosion sound = mind blown)

While this realization kind of makes me want to tear out what hair I have left, I am also grateful. This is one more area of my life that I can “give up” being a victim. I don’t have to continue to condemn myself. It does mean I have to give up the hope of being “rescued” and honestly, that is terrifying to me because it’s all I’ve ever known, I also know that it’s just part of the process.

Perhaps it’s just coincidence that it happens to be a New Year, but I resolve to no longer condemn myself for being me and I resolve to no longer condemn myself for not yet being the man I hope to be, because I am in the process of change and that takes consistent effort over time.

To whomever may be reading this – I do wish you a happy New Year! Whether you make New Year’s resolutions, or reflections, or are just always seeking improvement, I hope you obtain your goals because you have the power within you to change and you are most definitely worth it!