Do any of the following questions sound familiar:
Why do I keep doing (blank)?
Why can’t I stop (blank)?
Why can’t I just move on?
Why does (blank) keep happening to me?
Why do I keep hurting myself with (blank)?
We ask why. A lot. I suppose humans are just curious creatures who want to understand everything. Which, in and of itself, isn’t a bad thing. I have been asking myself “why” questions for as long as I can remember. What I have learned is that asking “why” is a double-edged sword.
A little background to put this in context: My whole life I have been a mystery to myself. I suppose it’s just part of being an INFJ* (Meyer’s Briggs Type Indicator - MBTI). I can often read others like a book, but when it comes to myself – I’m illiterate. There are other reasons for which I don’t know myself very well – I won’t go into detail about them, but I will just mention them because they are significant. Having been a victim of molestation, I repressed a majority of my childhood memories – better to lose all memories to hide the few horrifying ones, than remember them all in perfect clarity. Related to that, my body became the enemy – a place that had been victimized, in which I was no longer safe, or comfortable. So I ignored myself. I avoided myself. I distracted myself with “busyness”, dreams of a perfect life/future, and food… lots and lots of food! I punished my body for being damaged, weak and violated. I disconnected from myself physically. I became a mystery to myself.
So when I engaged in – and then couldn’t stop – self-destructive behavior, I naturally asked myself “why.” Why can’t I stop shoving junk food down my gullet like a human garbage disposal? Why can’t I pull my head out of my a$$ and just get my act together already? Why did I do (blank) when I know it’s wrong? The common thread among all these questions is, essentially, “Why am I like this?”
I asked why because I genuinely sought understanding. I wanted to understand myself and why I did what I did. I truly believed that if I could understand why, then I could stop bad behavior or change self-destructive behavior. So I started asking “why.” And I started going to therapy to help me uncover the “whys”. And I started journaling and meditating and praying and talking to others and so on.
All of this was terrifying, and painful, and at times excruciating. Those who have never had the courage to face themselves will never know just how difficult it is to bring light to the darkness we fear and/or try to hide from. Because it does take courage and it does take strength, just not the kind we typically think of. It was difficult, but it was also worth it.
I learned SO much about myself. I DID get understanding and it helped me see the source of so many destructive patterns in my life. The process of asking “why” and turning inward for answers was as healing as it was difficult and I wouldn’t change any of it because of what I learned from it.
But there was a downside. The other edge of the sword.
The “whys” became comfortable. I got good at looking inward. I got comfortable with analyzing my problems and behaviors. So comfortable in fact that whenever anything in life went wrong, I immediately began asking “why;” digging into the tough emotional fodder I was facing and thinking, “well, here we go again! I guess I have a lot more to learn…”
The problem with all of that “asking why,” lies in what I was NOT doing – I wasn’t actually fixing anything.
I thought that asking why would bring understanding and that understanding would bring solutions. But it doesn’t always work that way. Here’s a simple analogy: Let’s say my bedroom is pretty messy and I keep stubbing my toes on things in the dark. I can turn on the light to avoid stepping on hard or sharp-pointed objects. However, the act of turning on the light, while it helps me to avoid obstacles, isn't the same as making my room clean.
For years I developed unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaving – based on faulty beliefs that resulted from traumatic childhood experiences. I needed to understand what happened to me to understand where these unhealthy patterns came from (turning on the light). But in all of my learning/understanding, it never changed my behavior or my actions, because I had spent years repeating and solidifying those unhealthy patterns. I had taken the first step to change, which is to understand, but I got stuck on the first step and never reached the second step, which is to ACT OUT NEW BEHAVIOR (i.e., actually clean my room!).
The trap of asking “why” is that it can feel like you’re doing something, but ultimately it can only take you so far. Seeking or gaining understanding may bring enlightenment, but it doesn’t automatically bring new patterns of thought or action. There have been many times in my life where I was asking why when I already knew the answer and what I really needed, was simply to behave differently; to act instead of to question. Understanding, in and of itself, did not change my behavior. The only thing that can change behavior is changed behavior!
What’s difficult for me is that I’m a thinker. I like spending time in my head and my initial approach to anything is to think about it first. I know that there are people who are the complete opposite. There are some people who dive in head first and never really stop to think about what they’re doing or why they’re doing it. In many respects, I wish I were more like that. I could do a better job of striving for action rather than getting stuck in “analysis paralysis.” On the other hand, acting without knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing is a little like trying to clean your room in the dark; how will you know when it’s really clean? Sure you might be busy, but you’re not likely accomplishing anything meaningful. In my mind, these are the people who just put their heads down, work hard and get to the end of their life realizing that they just weren’t every happy; never having realized that life could be any other way.
Just in case it doesn’t sound like it – I’m actually advocating for both conditions here: 1) ask why and 2) act. I think it’s crucial to seek understanding, but it’s just as crucial to change behavior. Sometimes I need the understanding in order to see how to change my behavior and sometimes I just need to change my behavior. For example, I may not know why I feel the need to shove burgers, fries and shakes into my pie-hole, but I don’t really need to question “why” I feel those urges when I know that that behavior is not healthy. I can put down the bag of Oreo’s (behavior) without knowing why I felt “triggered” to down a whole bag in one sitting in the first place (the “why”).
The other problem with asking why is that sometimes there are no answers. I’ll never know why the people who hurt me, hurt me. And I don’t need to know. I can still strive for better health – physically and emotionally – without knowing why. I can move forward with hope, happiness and courage without knowing why I went through the sh*t I went through. Because I’m no longer a victim and I don’t need to keep being a victim by “asking why.”
I guess it kind of boils down to this – asking why is good, until it becomes a distraction from action, then it isn’t serving you anymore. Action is good, unless it’s a distraction from knowing why you’re doing what you’re doing, then it isn’t serving you anymore. Ask why, to see what behavior you need to change; or change your behavior and seek the understanding that will give your new behavior direction, meaning and purpose.
For someone like me, asking why can be a double-edged sword, but knowing "why" is half the battle and I’d rather go into battle with a double-edged sword than none at all.
*There is a pretty decent review of what it means to be INFJ here. The “Characteristics” section seems to be pretty accurate for me.
Saturday, January 27, 2018
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Rescue
I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I used to, but I think I was more caught up in the hype of experiencing a new year and wondering what the year would hold for me and thinking of all the possibilities. The truth is, I am constantly seeking the resolve to make changes, regardless of the time of year. And when I say “changes” what I really mean is “improvements.” I want to be a better man tomorrow than I am today.
But it’s deeper than just “self-improvement” or wanting to be better; what I mean by better is to be comfortable with who I am, the way I am, in my own skin, whatever my circumstances may be. It’s wanting to be so comfortable with myself that I naturally have the energy to contribute to all the good that happens in this world and to fulfill some role that will give happiness and meaning to the lives of those I meet; to be so fully authentic within myself that I can connect with others and help them feel loved – and accepted – for who they are; to provide comfort and consolation in times of trial; to share encouragement and praise in their triumphs; to offer support and counsel if needed; ultimately, to help them feel like they are not alone.
The irony, is how difficult it has been to fill that role for myself. I think I’ve had it backwards for a long time in that I’ve truly believed that I needed others to make me feel loved; that I needed others to make me feel accepted, comforted, consoled, encouraged, praised, supported, etc. And yet, even when I’ve had those things from others, I have still felt lonely and empty. It has taken me a long time to realize that it’s because I was the cause of the emptiness.
If my proverbial self-concept bucket was empty it wasn’t because there was no one to fill it, it was because I kept dumping it out.
I won’t go into the myriad reasons why this is the case (see ANY of my previous blog posts!!), but I will admit to one thing: I have been condemning myself my whole life. Any sin I commit or weakness I encounter and I am quick to condemn myself; any act of service or love I complete and I still condemn myself, because I could have done more, because it wasn’t enough, because I wasn’t enough and so on.
Self-condemnation is a victim’s “bread and butter,” so to speak. It has a lot of payoffs. It feels like humility. It establishes my place in life – which is at the bottom – which is something I can always count on and anything you can count on is predictable, i.e., feels safe (and victims ALWAYS need safety). From a religious standpoint, it ensures God will take pity on me and mercifully free me from my trials (i.e., the consequences of my own actions!) because I’ve “suffered enough.” (Which is wildly inaccurate, but that’s victim logic for you!)
The point I’m trying to get to here is, I’ve spent my entire life condemning myself for who I am AND for who I have failed to be. While there may be many “needs” that have only served to reinforce this condition, there is one in particular I want to mention: the need to be rescued.
Coming from the framework of a victim, I am not responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me, therefore I am not responsible for the deplorable circumstances I find myself living in (e.g., fat, broke and lonely). But if I’m not responsible for my problems, then I can also bear no responsibility for solving those problems, which means the solution MUST come from outside of me. In other words, I didn’t cause my problems, therefore I’m not responsible to find the solutions. As a result, I HAVE to be rescued because I don’t have the power to rescue myself.
That idea – dare I say “dream?” – of being rescued is so powerful for me, that I think I had begun to condemn myself simply to keep the hope of “being rescued” alive. I mean, who wouldn’t want a supernatural, all-powerful being to swoop in and rescue them from a life of pain, drudgery, misery and disappointment? Rescue means relief; it means hope; it means an end to pain and suffering; it means a life of ease and rest – and all at the merciful hands of another.
While I naturally think of characters like Superman as heroes who rescue, I also think of all the substitutes we victims might use in an effort to “rescue” us from our miserable, petty lives. Maybe some of us believe we will find rescue in financial security or in material wealth; or in that one, magical, meaningful relationship; or through accomplishments which garner public praise and accolades; maybe we hope to find rescue through our vices and addictions (such as food? *cough, cough*), because they make us feel good, even if it’s temporary. I don’t know, just something to think about.
In any case, these things will NOT rescue us, because they are external to us and cannot satisfy an internal need. Which brings me back to needs. I “needed” to condemn myself in order to create the possibility of being rescued. Here’s the ironic rub – I probably wouldn’t have felt the need to be rescued if I hadn’t been condemning myself in the first place!! (explosion sound = mind blown)
While this realization kind of makes me want to tear out what hair I have left, I am also grateful. This is one more area of my life that I can “give up” being a victim. I don’t have to continue to condemn myself. It does mean I have to give up the hope of being “rescued” and honestly, that is terrifying to me because it’s all I’ve ever known, I also know that it’s just part of the process.
Perhaps it’s just coincidence that it happens to be a New Year, but I resolve to no longer condemn myself for being me and I resolve to no longer condemn myself for not yet being the man I hope to be, because I am in the process of change and that takes consistent effort over time.
To whomever may be reading this – I do wish you a happy New Year! Whether you make New Year’s resolutions, or reflections, or are just always seeking improvement, I hope you obtain your goals because you have the power within you to change and you are most definitely worth it!
But it’s deeper than just “self-improvement” or wanting to be better; what I mean by better is to be comfortable with who I am, the way I am, in my own skin, whatever my circumstances may be. It’s wanting to be so comfortable with myself that I naturally have the energy to contribute to all the good that happens in this world and to fulfill some role that will give happiness and meaning to the lives of those I meet; to be so fully authentic within myself that I can connect with others and help them feel loved – and accepted – for who they are; to provide comfort and consolation in times of trial; to share encouragement and praise in their triumphs; to offer support and counsel if needed; ultimately, to help them feel like they are not alone.
The irony, is how difficult it has been to fill that role for myself. I think I’ve had it backwards for a long time in that I’ve truly believed that I needed others to make me feel loved; that I needed others to make me feel accepted, comforted, consoled, encouraged, praised, supported, etc. And yet, even when I’ve had those things from others, I have still felt lonely and empty. It has taken me a long time to realize that it’s because I was the cause of the emptiness.
If my proverbial self-concept bucket was empty it wasn’t because there was no one to fill it, it was because I kept dumping it out.
I won’t go into the myriad reasons why this is the case (see ANY of my previous blog posts!!), but I will admit to one thing: I have been condemning myself my whole life. Any sin I commit or weakness I encounter and I am quick to condemn myself; any act of service or love I complete and I still condemn myself, because I could have done more, because it wasn’t enough, because I wasn’t enough and so on.
Self-condemnation is a victim’s “bread and butter,” so to speak. It has a lot of payoffs. It feels like humility. It establishes my place in life – which is at the bottom – which is something I can always count on and anything you can count on is predictable, i.e., feels safe (and victims ALWAYS need safety). From a religious standpoint, it ensures God will take pity on me and mercifully free me from my trials (i.e., the consequences of my own actions!) because I’ve “suffered enough.” (Which is wildly inaccurate, but that’s victim logic for you!)
The point I’m trying to get to here is, I’ve spent my entire life condemning myself for who I am AND for who I have failed to be. While there may be many “needs” that have only served to reinforce this condition, there is one in particular I want to mention: the need to be rescued.
Coming from the framework of a victim, I am not responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me, therefore I am not responsible for the deplorable circumstances I find myself living in (e.g., fat, broke and lonely). But if I’m not responsible for my problems, then I can also bear no responsibility for solving those problems, which means the solution MUST come from outside of me. In other words, I didn’t cause my problems, therefore I’m not responsible to find the solutions. As a result, I HAVE to be rescued because I don’t have the power to rescue myself.
That idea – dare I say “dream?” – of being rescued is so powerful for me, that I think I had begun to condemn myself simply to keep the hope of “being rescued” alive. I mean, who wouldn’t want a supernatural, all-powerful being to swoop in and rescue them from a life of pain, drudgery, misery and disappointment? Rescue means relief; it means hope; it means an end to pain and suffering; it means a life of ease and rest – and all at the merciful hands of another.
While I naturally think of characters like Superman as heroes who rescue, I also think of all the substitutes we victims might use in an effort to “rescue” us from our miserable, petty lives. Maybe some of us believe we will find rescue in financial security or in material wealth; or in that one, magical, meaningful relationship; or through accomplishments which garner public praise and accolades; maybe we hope to find rescue through our vices and addictions (such as food? *cough, cough*), because they make us feel good, even if it’s temporary. I don’t know, just something to think about.
In any case, these things will NOT rescue us, because they are external to us and cannot satisfy an internal need. Which brings me back to needs. I “needed” to condemn myself in order to create the possibility of being rescued. Here’s the ironic rub – I probably wouldn’t have felt the need to be rescued if I hadn’t been condemning myself in the first place!! (explosion sound = mind blown)
While this realization kind of makes me want to tear out what hair I have left, I am also grateful. This is one more area of my life that I can “give up” being a victim. I don’t have to continue to condemn myself. It does mean I have to give up the hope of being “rescued” and honestly, that is terrifying to me because it’s all I’ve ever known, I also know that it’s just part of the process.
Perhaps it’s just coincidence that it happens to be a New Year, but I resolve to no longer condemn myself for being me and I resolve to no longer condemn myself for not yet being the man I hope to be, because I am in the process of change and that takes consistent effort over time.
To whomever may be reading this – I do wish you a happy New Year! Whether you make New Year’s resolutions, or reflections, or are just always seeking improvement, I hope you obtain your goals because you have the power within you to change and you are most definitely worth it!
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