All that I have to be thankful for!

With all of the emotional turmoil I’ve been through the last few weeks, I made sure I took some time today (Happy Thanksgiving!) to do my best to put all of that aside and reflect on all that I have to be thankful for. Here’s my list:

I am thankful to be alive

I was born with inadequate oxygen and almost died at birth. My mom says I was black and blue and they had to rush me to an incubator to get me breathing. My entry into this world was traumatic and, looking back, it seems like the fear that accompanied my birth has remained with me throughout my life. Yes, I’ve been through some difficult experiences, but I made it. I survived that difficult beginning. And I’ve survived many other traumatic experiences since. I’m still here and I’m truly thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who has helped me through all of it.

I am thankful for my body

This is a tough one for me. I have very mixed feelings about my body. “Body Dissociation” is a very common symptom of people who have been sexually victimized. In essence, because my body was violated, my body became an object to be despised; something that was violated, abused and untrustworthy – a place where I was no longer safe. So I disconnected. I saw my body as something that was detestable and worthless. Consequently, I didn’t treat my body well because I didn’t see it as anything worthy of caring for. I didn’t listen to my body. I inflicted self punishments in negative self-talk, addictions of various kinds, and in general treated myself with contempt. I was trying to punish my body for being weak, for being violated. It may not make logical sense, but a six year old doesn’t have sufficient logic skills to process that kind of trauma.

Fast forward to today. I have come to realize that I can’t be healthy in an unhealthy body. I have come to realize that the shame I feel over what happened to me should really be the shame of the people who perpetrated the crime, not me. I am in the process of regaining the innocence of my inner child, who was wounded and never left that state of being. Basically, I’m learning not to be ashamed of what happened to me, because it wasn’t my fault. That also means reconnecting with my body. It means learning to listen to it and learning to treat it with respect through exercise and proper nutrition. Yes, I am in terrible shape, but that is the result of years of (self) neglect and abuse. It will take me time to challenge my old beliefs and thought patterns. It will take time to get into the shape I want to be in, but I am SO thankful that I have this opportunity to change. I am so grateful to have a body that is capable of change and improvement. I am so fortunate to have a body that can move, taste, touch, see, smell, hear and feel.

I’m thankful for my family

I seem to have a really good ability to criticize my family and point out their flaws – clearly a defensive, or “victim” mentality. But that’s not an accurate picture of who they really are. I don’t think I could adequately sum up how incredible each of them are – or what they mean to me in one post. The truth is, they have been far more patient with me and understanding than I deserve. I’ve done my share of hurtful things, for which I sincerely beg their forgiveness. Briefly, I would like to share just a few things that I love about each of them:

Mishka – the Compassionate

Mishka has a very caring heart and protective of the underdog. She cares about how others are feeling and desires to lift the burdens of others (at least until M&M’s get involved!! You know what I’m talking about Mish!! J). Too many times to count she’s offered support and encouragement and helped me feel like I’m not so alone.

Rebecca – the Noble

Rebecca has been a great supporter of mine, even when I haven’t really deserved it. She’s been a great example of perseverance and dedication – of meeting challenges head on and overcoming them with patience. She carries herself with pride and I love her resilience. I wish I were more like her in that respect. She is a great sounding board and I know her advice is always sound, well thought out and has my best interest at heart.

Mom (Tina) – the Generous

Mom is, without a doubt, one of the most generous – if not, THE most generous person I know. She is always willing to sacrifice for the benefit of others, sometimes at great cost to herself. She has a great attitude towards giving – always giving thanks to Heavenly Father for all that he has blessed her with. She is a great example of selfless giving and I know her riches in heaven will be abundant!

Dad (Bob) – the Benevolent

I really don’t know a kinder man than my dad. I can’t stress how grateful I am for his patience with me. I am eternally grateful that he did not anger easily. Even when he was angry (which was RARE!) he never raised his voice and he never acted violently. He was a peacemaker in our home and I love him for that. In my mid-twenties I had some very significant problems, for which I received some intensive treatment. He supported me through what was truly hell for me in ways I can’t begin express and any attempt I made to honor him would be woefully inadequate. He is one of my heroes.

I am thankful for adversity

This may sound ironic, after my last post. But adversity and the lessons I have learned have blessed my life immeasurably. I have developed and strengthened my testimony in ways that I would not have accomplished otherwise. I recall one time I was seeing a counselor and I had expressed dissatisfaction with the presence of a challenge in my life. She shared her opinion on the matter (she was very supportive and had only the intent of comforting me) and suggested, in loving kindness, that I accept it – even though it was contrary to my religious beliefs. In that moment I realized that the challenge had a purpose. I was able to bear my testimony to her about why I felt as I did and I know she was deeply touched by what I said. I know, historically, I have expressed hatred of my trials and how I would rather not have them. But I’ve learned something – these trials are how I will come to know the Savior. I am deeply grateful for that. Which leads me to my last item.

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and Savior

Heavenly Father has always been the father I needed, not always the father I wanted. With my limited perspective of life, with all my lack of wisdom and lack of experience, and with my severely limited understanding – I don’t always ask for the right things and I don’t always know what’s in my best interest – but he always does. He answers “Yes” when I need to hear “Yes;” “No,” when I need to hear “No;” and He is silent when it’s in my best interest. I often confuse silence with absence and I have since learned that is not the case. Just because He is silent, doesn’t mean He isn’t there, or interested in me. I know now that He wants me to be happy, but how we obtain happiness is still a lesson I am learning. So often I think of obtaining happiness as being given what I need – when I need it – and that is SO NOT the case!! Happiness comes from strength and strength comes from being tested by adversity. There is no strength in a lack of opposition. It’s precisely the opposition that develops strength, which generates happiness.

I’ll be honest - the Savior is not someone I know well. I haven’t been as committed to Him as I could be. I haven’t made Him a priority in my life, as I could have. The reason’s are as varied as my past experiences and rooted in faulty core beliefs, feeling neglected, defensive, prideful, etc. I haven’t truly appreciated the atonement for one main reason – I never believed I was worthy of it. I was angry that he suffered and died for all men’s sins when I felt like I didn’t deserve to benefit from that gift. In essence, I had a testimony that the Savior was able to save all mankind, except me. Or, in other words, I had a testimony that He is THE Savior, just not MY Savior. That is changing, but I have a long way to go. In the meantime, I am thankful that He is so patient with me. I am humbled to know that He loves me, especially in those times when I push Him away because I don’t think I deserve His love.

So that's my (short!) list. I have so much to be thankful for! I am so glad that I took the time to look back over all my gifts and to see that, even the hard things, are helping me to become better and ultimately, helping me to be closer to my Savior and Father in Heaven and I am eternally grateful for that!