I've often had the "if only I had _____, then I would be happy" daydream. (FYI - it starts as a daydream and quickly becomes a cage.) I realized this Sunday that it's not the conditions of my life that I am unhappy with - it's me. I'm unhappy with me, and therefore, unhappy with my life.
I suppose that's why I hear about people who are thin and attractive or rich and famous, who seem to have it all and still commit suicide (part of this train of thought was influenced by the somewhat recent death of Tony Scott). How does someone who seemly has everything become so depressed that they commit suicide? I'm sure there are various reasons, but I know for some, it's just that they never learned to be happy with themselves.
My realization is also spurred by my trip to San Diego. Part of my purpose was to see if I liked it there enough that it might be some place I want to live after I graduate. I wondered, "can I move to a new town that is unfamiliar to me and be okay?" Well, the answer I received as I was driving home was that it doesn't really matter where I am - it only matters who I am. If I am unhappy with myself here in Salt Lake, I'll be unhappy with myself in San Diego or any other part of the country; location doesn't matter. When my mom asked me if it's some place I'd like to live I thought, sure, but really I can live anywhere. No matter where I am, if I'm happy with myself, then I'm happy with my life - no matter the conditions.
I'm sorry if this seems like another "I hate myself" kind of post, but I don't mean it to sound that way at all. In fact, just the opposite. I feel freer now that I 've recognized this. Because I can't always change my circumstances, but I can always change myself. All my life I've been waiting for the conditions of my life to improve ("if only I had ___"), when really I needed to just improve myself. And by improving myself I mean learning my worth and being comfortable in my own skin. The conditions of life will always come secondary to the conditions within myself and that is something I can do something about!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
How to be okay with what you're not okay with
This is not a "how to" post and I'm definitely not giving advice...
So I've had this question for quite some time: How do I be okay with what I'm not okay with?
For example - I don't actually enjoy being fat. I'm not okay with it. I probably think about it more often than I care to (or should?) admit. But losing weight takes time, right? So I'm not going to lose weight overnight. Which means I need to "be okay" with being overweight until I lose it.
I hear you asking - why do I need to "be okay" with it? Because it's what I see in the mirror everyday and it's who I am. (Yes, I know it's just what I look like and that what I look like isn't supposed to be who I am, but in a way, it is who I am, because it's defined so much of my life's experiences...) I've had low self-esteem from being dissatisified with myself. Part of that dissatisfaction comes from being overweight. So I'm not okay with it, but it's going to take time to lose the weight. So how do I be okay with that? How do I say it's okay to be overweight while I'm trying to lose weight, when being overweight makes me feel bad about myself? That's like saying it's okay for me to feel bad about myself - which clearly, it isn't.
Does that make any kind of sense? Probably not. But it comes up a lot. Especially now in grad school when I feel overwhelmed and completely incompetent. I'm faced everyday with how I'm lacking and I'm forced to see my weaknesses, which makes me feel insecure and inferior. Add to that the weight issue and it's a perfect recipe for some imminent psychotic disorder, I'm sure.
I guess my point is, though, no one is perfect. We all have flaws and weaknesses and we all make mistakes. How do some people seem to be okay with that? With themselves? I even try to tell myself that I'm a "work in progress" and to be patient, but that doesn't mean much when I don't like what I see in the mirror or when my clothes don't fit right and my discomfort is a constant reminder of how dissastisifed I am with myself.
Any ideas on how to be okay with what you're not okay with?
So I've had this question for quite some time: How do I be okay with what I'm not okay with?
For example - I don't actually enjoy being fat. I'm not okay with it. I probably think about it more often than I care to (or should?) admit. But losing weight takes time, right? So I'm not going to lose weight overnight. Which means I need to "be okay" with being overweight until I lose it.
I hear you asking - why do I need to "be okay" with it? Because it's what I see in the mirror everyday and it's who I am. (Yes, I know it's just what I look like and that what I look like isn't supposed to be who I am, but in a way, it is who I am, because it's defined so much of my life's experiences...) I've had low self-esteem from being dissatisified with myself. Part of that dissatisfaction comes from being overweight. So I'm not okay with it, but it's going to take time to lose the weight. So how do I be okay with that? How do I say it's okay to be overweight while I'm trying to lose weight, when being overweight makes me feel bad about myself? That's like saying it's okay for me to feel bad about myself - which clearly, it isn't.
Does that make any kind of sense? Probably not. But it comes up a lot. Especially now in grad school when I feel overwhelmed and completely incompetent. I'm faced everyday with how I'm lacking and I'm forced to see my weaknesses, which makes me feel insecure and inferior. Add to that the weight issue and it's a perfect recipe for some imminent psychotic disorder, I'm sure.
I guess my point is, though, no one is perfect. We all have flaws and weaknesses and we all make mistakes. How do some people seem to be okay with that? With themselves? I even try to tell myself that I'm a "work in progress" and to be patient, but that doesn't mean much when I don't like what I see in the mirror or when my clothes don't fit right and my discomfort is a constant reminder of how dissastisifed I am with myself.
Any ideas on how to be okay with what you're not okay with?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
San Diego
I had a great time in San Diego! It was definitely the break I needed! I had a couple of things in mind to do, but not really anything I HAD to do, so I could take it easy and just wake up and decide what I was in the mood for. That's a vacation. Although it was the hottest/humidest two weeks of the summer in San Diego, it was bearable.
I went to 3 different beaches, Coronado, Mission, and Carlsbad and they were all amazing. I know I've been to beaches on both coasts, but I was very young and don't remember them in great detail. It was strange, then, that the sounds and smells were very familiar, the water, the washed up kelp, the breeze, the hot sand, etc. I didn't know that the air in the morning is foggy and thick, but then the sun comes up and burns off the fog and when the mist clears the sun is hot. The breeze coming off the ocean cools your skin and feels refreshing. It was wonderful. I went to Old Town, with the Mormon Battalion Museum (much cooler than I thought it would be) and the Gaslamp District - both were fun to walk around and see the various shops and restaurants. I especially enjoyed my dessert at Ghirardelli downtown. I also went to Balboa Park which has a lot of museums and cultural sights.
I also went to the San Diego Temple, which I've never been to before and it was amazing! Because it was mid-week and the middle of the day it wasn't busy so I got to walk around and see everything, as well as chat with some of the Temple workers and get some "insights" - so it was a great experience.
I spent the rest of my time attending a YSA-MSA conference which I don't have time to go into. I'll just say that I felt way to old to be there, but my host T. and her friends, who are all my age, made it much more fun! They were great and I enjoyed getting to know them. I appreciate that they were able to accept me into their "inner circle" so quickly - a testament to their ability to accept even the weirdest of people - i.e., me.
I have never driven by myself that far and it was fun. Okay, it was long too - about a 12 hour drive, but overall, I actually enjoyed it. I realized that I really can get around on my own, but my phone's GPS was a lifesaver!! Although being the son of a map lover, I miss the days where if you wanted to get somewhere you'd pull out a map and note which route to follow to get there. I suppose I still could have done that, but the GPS was much faster!
I'll be uploading some photos when I'm done editing them.
I went to 3 different beaches, Coronado, Mission, and Carlsbad and they were all amazing. I know I've been to beaches on both coasts, but I was very young and don't remember them in great detail. It was strange, then, that the sounds and smells were very familiar, the water, the washed up kelp, the breeze, the hot sand, etc. I didn't know that the air in the morning is foggy and thick, but then the sun comes up and burns off the fog and when the mist clears the sun is hot. The breeze coming off the ocean cools your skin and feels refreshing. It was wonderful. I went to Old Town, with the Mormon Battalion Museum (much cooler than I thought it would be) and the Gaslamp District - both were fun to walk around and see the various shops and restaurants. I especially enjoyed my dessert at Ghirardelli downtown. I also went to Balboa Park which has a lot of museums and cultural sights.
I also went to the San Diego Temple, which I've never been to before and it was amazing! Because it was mid-week and the middle of the day it wasn't busy so I got to walk around and see everything, as well as chat with some of the Temple workers and get some "insights" - so it was a great experience.
I spent the rest of my time attending a YSA-MSA conference which I don't have time to go into. I'll just say that I felt way to old to be there, but my host T. and her friends, who are all my age, made it much more fun! They were great and I enjoyed getting to know them. I appreciate that they were able to accept me into their "inner circle" so quickly - a testament to their ability to accept even the weirdest of people - i.e., me.
I have never driven by myself that far and it was fun. Okay, it was long too - about a 12 hour drive, but overall, I actually enjoyed it. I realized that I really can get around on my own, but my phone's GPS was a lifesaver!! Although being the son of a map lover, I miss the days where if you wanted to get somewhere you'd pull out a map and note which route to follow to get there. I suppose I still could have done that, but the GPS was much faster!
I'll be uploading some photos when I'm done editing them.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Doppelganger Fish
How do fish tell each other apart? You're in a school of fish, let's say Tuna, and you're all silver scaled with fins in all the same places. How do you tell everyone apart? I'm sure the fish know each other part, but my completely random point is this: I feel like I'm in a school of fish here in this San Diego YSA conference, but I don't know if it's my school because everyone I saw looked like someone I knew. Is that weird? Seriously though, it was surreal. Every person I saw, I felt like I had seen before. But that is impossible because I don't think 400-500 people would be stalking me. Just weird.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Stewart Falls
Look! There are fun things in my life too!! :)
These were taken up at Stewart Falls - not far from Sundance.
These were taken up at Stewart Falls - not far from Sundance.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Fear: A study in black and white (part three)
I realize I have a tendency to ramble, so let's hope this "part three" is the final post in this (now) series of posts...
The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?
Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?
I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?
I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).
I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.
According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."
What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.
But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.
The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.
No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]
My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.
Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!
The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?
Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?
I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?
I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).
I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.
According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."
What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.
But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.
The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.
No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]
My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.
Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!
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