Fear: A study in black and white (part two)

Just to recap - the gist of my last post was basically that I am afraid of my own thoughts, especially, the thoughts (fears) I project onto others. Which makes me feel like I'm afraid of everything, but in reality I'm afraid of nothing (I know thoughts aren't "nothing," but I'm trying to capture the fleeting and changing nature of thoughts, implying a lack of a "foundation," i.e., so fleeting it feels like nothing).

I've tried to find and examine some of the underlying beliefs that feed into these thoughts and, consequently, my fears, so that I can do something about them. Some of the beliefs I've identified are these:

1. I'm not good enough / I don't measure up
2. I don't deserve to be happy / I deserve to be miserable
3. I'll never amount to anything / I'm not important
4. I'll fail (even I succeed for a moment), or something bad will happen to prevent me from succeeding
5. I'm not capable

It's strange how these five bullet points are here just a simple list, yet they represent a lifetime (literally for me) of agonizing pain and debilitating fear. I didn't just identify these beliefs overnight mind you. I've been trying to uncover these beliefs for well over seven years. It hasn't been an easy process.

But seeing these beliefs, which now exist orthographically, I realize why happiness and self-esteem have been so elusive - with these kind of thoughts, I'm defeated before I begin!

Which leads me to the black and white.

These faulty core beliefs, or FCB's for short, have no gray area. Based on these beliefs I have to be one way or another, there is no middle ground and there is no allowance for the PROCESS of learning. That is, trying, failing, practicing, succeeding, etc. It's like saying if I'm gonna play football then I have to pick up a football and throw the ball perfectly, every single time, from the first pass to the last. How realistic is that? Not at all!! Athletes spend their entire careers trying to improve. Nobody was perfect the first time they did something; there's always a learning curve. But I expect myself to be perfect, because according to my FCB's either I am perfect at something or I'm a failure. (I must be like the therapists version of a "golden" investigator!)

I'm afraid of looking stupid, or being seen as stupid because it's proves that I'm not good enough (FCB #1 and #5). So I avoid life. I keep myself safe. Safety is a big deal. It's amazing what misery and disfunction I'll put up with in order to maintain safety. I think I've developed all the problems in my life as a way of keeping myself safe. But safe from what? What is the danger that is so terrifying that I'm willing to discount my very existence to avoid it? Nothing. Even now, I can't come up with anything. How can I be so afraid of something that I can't even idenfity, let alone define?

While the "great fear" remains elusive, in the meantime, I still have to acknowledge that regardless of what I'm afraid of, these FCB's are what's preventing me from really being the man I want to be and they have to change. I have to change them. That thought is terrifying. My FCB's fight me every step of the way: what if I try to change, but fail (FCB #4 and #3)? What if I'm not really worth changing (FCB #1 and #2)? And the cycle continues.

Can anything break that cycle? YES!! I don't know what people of other faiths hold on to in times like these. I am grateful for the Gospel, however limited I am in my understanding of it, because it gives me the tools that I know will break this cycle. There are many tools, but I think the two most powerful tools in this instance are Faith and Agency. There's a reason faith is the foundation of our belief system. I must have faith that my FCB's are just that, faulty. I must have faith that if the fruit of these thoughts is misery that they can not be from a loving Heavenly Father. These beliefs are not what he would chose for me to believe about myself, but he can't choose for me. Leading to the next tool - agency. He can't force me to choose a belief system, but he allows me to choose. That's what agency is. The freedom to make choices. He has given me the power to change. Perhaps even more than just the power, along with agency, he's actually given me the responsibility to choose for myself.

It's quite the double edged sword. I am able to choose happiness; but that also means whatever misery exists in my life, is of my choosing. If I feel like a victim, it's only because I have victimized myself. I chose to belief such horrible things about myself. And now I can choose to change them. It's like a roller-coaster ride: thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.

You know, as I've been typing I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm really afraid of is being wrong and being useless. I certainly think that a fear of being wrong is due to pride, but in my case I think that's over-simplifying. I think being wrong represents some pride and also FCB's #1, #3, and #5. In any case, all 5 FCB's are just various aspects of being wrong and/or useless. If I've been a member of the church my whole life and had the gospel the whole time; and if everything about the gospel says that I am important and needed; how did I develop such wrong beliefs? Misperception of how and why other's treated me the way they did (even those, or perhaps especially those, of my own family) and misunderstanding other gospel principles, such a the true nature of humility, which I thought meant that I needed to discount myself and put myself last.

Here I am at the end of this blog post and I still haven't fully expressed the implication of black and white thinking in my life... I suppose that means a part three will follow at some point!

I apologize if all of this is too personal, but the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I'm not alone and that, maybe to some degree, we are afraid of sharing these things; maybe we think that we are the only ones or that others will think we are crazy. I guess this blog is one way to face and to fight my fears, so thanks for letting me share this. And if it helps you, just know that you are not alone.

Fear: A study in black and white (part one)

A typical morning:
I wake up suddenly. My heart begins to race. Panicky, I ask myself, "what day is it? What time is it? Am I late for something? What do I have going on today? School? Work? Clients?" These questions race through my mind and once I answer them, I realize that I haven't been breathing, so I take a deep breath. I feel my heart pounding and I'm not sure what I'm so anxious about...

That's just a small sample of what it's like to wake up afraid; I suppose I mean that's a sample of what it's like to live afraid, because it's not unsual for these feelings to recurr throughout the day in any number of circumstances.

One question I have been pondering for weeks, if not months, is "what am I afraid of?" What fears are so prevalent in my life that they are with me from the instant I wake up each day?

Then it occurred to me, the reason I've been asking this question for months and not coming up with an answer is becuase what I'm afriad of is - everything and nothing. How do I explain?

One of my biggest fears is that I am afraid of what other people may think about me. So, essentially, I'm afraid of other people's thoughts. That's ridiculous. I know - even as I type this I see how illogical it is to be afraid of what other people are thinking, and yet, the fear I experience is absolutely real - just ask my racing thoughts and beating heart... that has to come from somewhere, right? There's another flaw in this line of thinking - how do I know what other people are thinking? A-HA! That's the key - I DON'T know what other people are thinking - I can't possibly know what other people are thinking. So in reality, my fear is only what I THINK other people are thinking. When I think other people are condemning me, that's coming from within me. When I think other people are looking at me and looking down on me because of my weight, or anything else, that's coming from within me.

Now, to be fair to myself, I WAS actually made fun of quite a lot when I was a child - so there IS a foundation from my own experience in this fear; kids are a lot more vocal about what they're thinking. So I think a part of me has just assumed that whatever it is in other people that makes them want to make fun of me, never really went away, it just went "non-verbal," i.e., stays within their thoughts. Okay, let's assume that's true. Let's say my fears are founded and people really are thinking poorly of me, judging me, condemning me, etc. Why should that make me afraid?

The answer is - disapproval eats right to the center of my deepest fear which is that I'm not good enough; that I don't "measure" up; that I'm inadequate; that I am worthless. When I disappoint someone by not being perfect, when I sense that someone is judging me for my weight/appearance, etc., these things CONFIRM my fear of being inadequate. So that every day, at every turn, I'm afraid that my worthlessness will be confirmed. No wonder I wake up afraid! No wonder I go through life exepcting to fail! No wonder I go through life feeling sorry for myself (this is the fear/self-pity connection). I feel sorry for myself because I expect people will confirm what I fear or what I already believe. Therein lies the problem. I believe it. I'M the one who believes I'm worthless and inadequate. Those fears that I'm projecting on to others (as if I could somehow psychicly channel other people's thoughts) are really coming from within myself.

I've been pausing here for the last 10 minutes after writing the previous paragraph, letting it sink in. And I'm laughing to myself because all I can think if is a line from one of my favorite movies, How Do You Know?. It's Jack Nicholson's character and he says emphatically to his son, "You are a f***ing moron!" (Okay, I know that's not appropriate, but you're just going to have to trust me that it's hilarious the way he does it!)

But's that's how I feel right now - that I'm an "effing" moron!! It's like someone being afraid of bubble gum - it makes no sense! Why am I SO afraid of other people's condemnation?! I guess it's because I've never really known my own worth. I never really believed that I am important. Since I didn't believe in myself, I learned to put more stock on other people's opinion's over my own. I've basically left it up to other people to decide my worth, but the problem is, as I've already stated, I can't really know what people are thinking, so it's really just my own inadequacies I see "reflected" from others.

Sorry this post is so long... I haven't even gotten to the black and white part yet. That will have to wait for another day; introspection takes its toll and I'm kind of burned out at the moment...

Does any of this make sense, or should I be on medication? :)

Weird progress

So, I looked in the mirror today and it took me a second to realize it was me (long story - don't ask).

BUT - at the moment I "recognized" myself, this is literally and verbatim the thought I had:

"Hmph, I'm not ugly."


Progress!!

Self-pity teaser

Did you know that fear and self-pity are related? Not even, like, distant, distant cousins or anything; they are like siblings!
I think I may have quite a bit to write about self-pity and feeling sorry for yourself because you know what they say, "if you're going to write, write about what you know."

Fear and self-pity are a bad combination - a TKO if you will and when I have time to stop being afraid of all the reports I have to write for school/clinic and feeling sorry for myself for having to write them, I'll blog my thoughts on the subject.

Laugh if you get this: "I threw a pity party, but no one came."

Things I've learned

So I complain a lot about grad school.

A lot.

Today, someone asked me how school was and I replied with the first thing that came into my mind: "I'm learning more about myself from grad school than my actual field of study."

I realized as soon as I said it that it was true. I have learned a bunch about different speech/language disorders, but I've learned even more about myself. Things I never knew I needed or wanted to learn.

I've learned that I am afraid of everything - success and failure; I allow my fears to guide thoughts, beliefs and behaviors.

That's about all I got for now...

...more on this later though...