I've learned something about myself recently. I thought I was a lost cause. I'm not sure I know how to describe what I mean by that, but I want to try.
I thought that when the Lord makes something, He makes it the way He wants it and our task is to either accept it or reject it. Take, as an example, the Plan of Salvation. He presented this plan to us and said we had a choice: We could accept it, or reject it; it was up to us to choose.
Somehow, I learned that this concept applies to me. Heavenly Father made me the way that I am, and I can either accept it, or reject it. As a result of this, I have never really accepted myself. I never really found myself acceptable; I have too many faults, too many weaknesses, too many sins, etc. I've never been comfortable with myself, and as I went out into the world, I found that I was not acceptable to the world either. The world doesn't treat people like me kindly - being overweight is not something that people just "overlook" and for years, I was reminded of that daily - how different and unacceptable I was. I believed others because I thought they were re-affirming what I already new to be true. But over the past couple of years, realizing that the fruit of self-loathing has not led to change or happiness, I've been trying to accept myself - all of myself, the good and the bad. It's been a very difficult challenge and some days are better than others.
Every time I exercise I feel ashamed and embarrassed. That may sound weird to some people. I have never known why I feel that way, but I interpreted that to mean that I was doing something wrong by exercising. I felt that Heavenly Father did not want me to exercise, because He wants me to accept myself the way I am. In other words, "God made me this way, and I can either accept it or reject it." The only problem with that, is that I don't want to "accept" being overweight. How can he ask me to accept something I hate so much and which is, in reality, bad for me. It's not healthy to be overweight and it negatively effects every area of my life. Nevertheless, I have tried to do just that - just accept me for who I am right now. It hasn't been easy.
As I pondered why I would feel embarrassed and ashamed of doing something good for myself a phrase came to my mind that gave me understanding. The phrase was, "...because it's too late for me." Meaning I could try to lose weight if I wanted, but it wasn't really going to work, because I am the way God made me and it's too late for me to do anything about it. In essence I told myself that I was defeated before I even began to try. Well no wonder I felt ashamed and embarrassed - I felt guilt for wanting to change something that was already "written in stone." Other phrases came to mind, "lost cause," "too late to change," "no use," etc.
I was so grateful for that understanding, because for the first time in my life, I was able to question that belief and ask myself, why would I feel that I was a lost cause? It stems from the belief that Heavenly Father made me this way and I can either accept it or not. If I accepted it, then that would mean that I have to accept myself the way "God made me," and that I could not change it! Or, if I rejected it, then I was rejecting my Heavenly Father - either way, I lose.
But I am NOT a lost cause. It is NOT too late for me to change. Change is the nature of why I am here. I still think it's important to accept myself, but it's just as important to accept that I have the need and the opportunity to change, as much as it is to accept me for who I am.
I really do know that I am a child of God and he made me the way that I am... as a place to start!! I am not a lost cause after all; I am able and still have time to change. It is not too late for me... The Atonement is what gives me a chance to change and I can utilize it every single day. Change may not happen overnight, but it can happen daily, little by little. And that I can accept!
