Today is the last day of February. Time seems to be flying by these days. I've been in a weird rut. Things haven't gotten worse, but they haven't gotten better. I was hoping to be doing much better - I think I mean happier - by now and it hasn't happened. Yet. I know it will. Life is a roller coaster ride and occasionally there are smooth spots where not much is happening. I'm okay with that.
Monday will be my Dad's Birthday. He passed away two years ago. I can't believe it's already been two years! He passed away on the 11th of March, 9 days after his birthday. It's strange to celebrate his Birth and Death so close within the same time frame. For those who don't know, he passed away from Kidney cancer. He had just turned 60. It's been on my mind a lot, so I wanted to talk (blog) about it.
Christmas 2005 will go down as one of my worst Christmases, ever! Two days before Christmas, my dad called Mishka and I to come over to his house (Rebecca was living in San Antonio at the time). We knew he had been going to the doctor, but it was for being slightly anemic. Still, the invitation to come over was fraught with foreboding. He proceeded to tell us that he was not, in fact, anemic. He had been loosing blood because it was feeding the cancer of his Kidney. The doctor, effectually, said, "Enjoy this Christmas, because it will be your last." They gave him about 6 months to a year, but no one really knew for sure. Renal Carcinoma wasn't as common as other types of cancer. They removed the mass, which was about 15-20 pounds and about the shape of a football. It had spread to his lungs and liver. They were able to remove the peices of his liver that were affected, but knew they could not do anything about the lungs. Chemotherapy would be his only hope for that. He went in for treatments, which made him very ill, but he recovered well. Christmas 2006 was a landmark; he was still around and in reasonably good health. He was accomplishing much of what was important to him. At some point, though, it wasn't enough. I recall February 2007 being the start of a decline for him. We felt hopeful, though, that this was just a phase. Turns out, it wasn't. He went into the Hospital again.
He and I had a couple of heart to hearts. We had already done a considerable amount of talking and mending over the last year, but these last few conversations were different. He once confided in me that he wasn't afraid of death in the least. What really scared him, was meeting the Savior. He didn't feel ready for that. That was a total surprise to me. As difficult as it was to watch him suffer through his illness and treatments, it was almost more dfficult to see him this way. Almost as a child. I tried to console him; I told him that of all the people I knew, I didn't doubt that he was one of the most "ready" people and that I didn't think he had anything to be afraid of. I'll never forget what he said because I think I knew intimately what he felt. I know that if I were to die today, that is the one fear I would have too... meeting the Savior. I know my dad had some hard things in his past, but I guess the illusion of a parent is that they have been through everything and are prepared for everything. They are the strong and wise ones, because they have been through it all. He was the one I turned to first when I needed something. It was hard to know that at that moment, there was nothing I could do. His life was about to be presented to his Father in Heaven and he felt trepidation at that meeting. Maybe it was not so much fear that he felt, as it was doubt. "Did I do enough? Was I enough?" Those are very personal questions and I was both honored and incredibly humbled that he would share such a personal thing with me.
We had another conversation a few weeks later. Much more difficult for me. I almost couldn't bring myself to say it, but I knew I had to. While it was in my mind, it was debatable, or even dismissable; but once I said it out loud, it would be out there and I couldn't change it. I told him that as much as I loved him, as much as I wanted him to be healed and have him around for a hundred years, that I was ready to let him go and I didn't want him to hold on for me or anyone. I wanted him to be happy; I wanted him to be at peace - even if it meant that death was the only way for him to acheive it. We both cried, but he thanked me. And at that moment, I did let him go. In my own heart I left it in the Lord's hands and knew He would do what He thought best. And whatever that might be, I knew that it really would be the best thing.
The separation is harder at times, than others. Of course there are the big regrets; he won't be around when I get married, or have kids, etc. But what I was really not prepared for was the fact that when someone you love dies, you don't just lose them once. You lose them over and over. You lose them at their bedside when they drift away. You lose them again at their funeral. When you sort through their belongings, you lose them again. Everytime you come home to an empty house, you lose them again. Everytime you have a desire to tell them something good (or bad) that's happened, and they are not there to tell, you lose them again. Everytime you hold a fork and remember their annoying habit of breathing and chewing at the same time(!), you lose them again. It's all the little things, added up, that you miss the most.
And yet, there is hope. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only thing I know of that can bring hope to such a dismal event. I wrote a poem for my dad's funeral that I'll copy below. It's a poem about the hope I experienced during my father's illness, and the hope I have now for when we will meet again.
Gratitude
We had time to talk,
to listen,
to understand,
We had time to laugh,
to wonder,
to explore,
We had time to reach out,
to heal,
to mend,
We had time to ponder,
to remember,
to learn,
We had time to live,
We had time to love,
and, in time...
We will have eternity.
Micah James Foster
For Robert Dennis Foster
Mar. 2, 1947 – Mar. 11, 2007
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Change
For the sake of honesty, I haven't been doing well lately. I've had a lot of things happen that have stressed me out and I guess I don't handle stress that well because I either sleep a lot (neglecting other things I should be doing), or I eat comfort food (which also makes me feel gross and adversly effects my moods within 12 hours of eating), or I do both. Lately, I've been doing both.
It's hard to do good things for myself when I feel like I really don't deserve it. I realize this is a mild form of depression and I know what I need to do about it. But that's the trap, I know what I need to do to feel better, but then I feel like I don't deserve it, so I don't do it. Then I hit bottom. Although, it's not exactly "hitting" bottom, which in my mind feels like falling off a cliff and smacking the ground; as much as I think I more slowly slide into bottom, face down and face first. Then I roll over and look up and think, "okay, I'm at the bottom, I gotta change." So I get up and start over. Then life happens, I get stresed out and the cycle starts over again.
I've realized that I am more effected by the myriad of small things that creep up everyday, rather than the larger more "acute" events. For example, I got rear-ended on my birthday... no big deal. I didn't freak out, I knew everything would work out okay, which it did. Then, a couple of days later, someone got a hold of my credit card number. They didn't do too much damage and the bank worked everything out. No biggie.
Here's what REALLY freaks me out: I have bills I haven't paid yet, I have to do my dishes, I need to clean my kitchen (once I can see it, sans dishes), I have to do my laundry, I have to go get quarters to be able to do my laundry, I have to go to the bank, I have to blog, I have to make home-teaching appointments (or I have to prepare the home teaching message), I have to study (ha ha, I mean read - who has time to study?) the scriptures, I have to explain to people why I didn't go to church, I have to call my mother, I have to email people back, I have to study for my GRE prep course, I have to do my taxes, I have to exercise, I have to pray, I have to never sin again, and the list goes on and on... My life starts to feel so crowded with things that I "HAVE" to do, that I don't know where to start, so I don't. I sleep, or I eat.
But today, I'm at the bottom and ready to get back up again. Here's what I've decided I need to do:
1. Let go of the reins. I feel like I am holding the reins of two horses, who are dragging me over the bumpy, dusty ground. One horse is the past, and the other is the future. I need to let go of the past because I can't do anything about it now. I need to let go of the future because... I don't know how to describe this, but when I think about who I "should" be, I get discouraged at the gap between that guy and who I am today. I wonder, how? How will I ever become the man I want to be when I feel so messed up now? I have a tendancy to overthink everything - even the future. By letting go of the future, I'm telling myself that it doesn't matter who I am tomorrow; what matter's is who I am choosing to be today. So if I can let go of the reins, then I can free myself to take life one day at a time.
2. Tell myself, "I don't need to be perfect today - I just need to do the best I can."
3. (Related to #2) Be okay with not being perfect and don't resist change. I know we came to this earth to gain a body and be tested (sometimes tested BY our bodies), and that's the "Sunday School" answer, but my own personal opinion of why we're here is to change. We were children of our Heavenly Father, but we were unlike Him. He presented a plan that would enable us to become like Him. The whole plan is based on changing - from being unlike our Father, to becoming like Him. Change is not only good, it's necessary. I can be okay with not being perfect, because it's only the starting point and it's the whole reason I'm here on earth anyway. I think I have really, really beat myself up for being imperfect, not realizing that that was the point of being here. So today, I'm going to look in the mirror and say, "you don't have to be perfect today, just do the best you can."
4. Taking care of my health is not selfish, it's a necessity.
When I look back over my life and think about the times I was most successful at accomplishing something I see a pattern, I was Conscious of what needed to be done and I was Consistent in doing it. I think those two things will help me the most, Conscious and Consistent. For example: I am aware that I don't think of myself in the highest regard (when I say "think" in this sense, I mean literally, they way I "speak to myself" in my mind is negative), so I need to make a CONSCIOUS effort to "think" more positively of myself (or, in other words, "speak to myself" in my mind in a more positive manner) and I need to do this CONISTENTLY. That feels doable when I think of it in terms of just taking things one day at a time. "Today, be aware (conscious) and put in the effort (consistent), then at the end of the day, review how I did and plan to do the same (or make adjustments) tomorrow."
It's hard to do good things for myself when I feel like I really don't deserve it. I realize this is a mild form of depression and I know what I need to do about it. But that's the trap, I know what I need to do to feel better, but then I feel like I don't deserve it, so I don't do it. Then I hit bottom. Although, it's not exactly "hitting" bottom, which in my mind feels like falling off a cliff and smacking the ground; as much as I think I more slowly slide into bottom, face down and face first. Then I roll over and look up and think, "okay, I'm at the bottom, I gotta change." So I get up and start over. Then life happens, I get stresed out and the cycle starts over again.
I've realized that I am more effected by the myriad of small things that creep up everyday, rather than the larger more "acute" events. For example, I got rear-ended on my birthday... no big deal. I didn't freak out, I knew everything would work out okay, which it did. Then, a couple of days later, someone got a hold of my credit card number. They didn't do too much damage and the bank worked everything out. No biggie.
Here's what REALLY freaks me out: I have bills I haven't paid yet, I have to do my dishes, I need to clean my kitchen (once I can see it, sans dishes), I have to do my laundry, I have to go get quarters to be able to do my laundry, I have to go to the bank, I have to blog, I have to make home-teaching appointments (or I have to prepare the home teaching message), I have to study (ha ha, I mean read - who has time to study?) the scriptures, I have to explain to people why I didn't go to church, I have to call my mother, I have to email people back, I have to study for my GRE prep course, I have to do my taxes, I have to exercise, I have to pray, I have to never sin again, and the list goes on and on... My life starts to feel so crowded with things that I "HAVE" to do, that I don't know where to start, so I don't. I sleep, or I eat.
But today, I'm at the bottom and ready to get back up again. Here's what I've decided I need to do:
1. Let go of the reins. I feel like I am holding the reins of two horses, who are dragging me over the bumpy, dusty ground. One horse is the past, and the other is the future. I need to let go of the past because I can't do anything about it now. I need to let go of the future because... I don't know how to describe this, but when I think about who I "should" be, I get discouraged at the gap between that guy and who I am today. I wonder, how? How will I ever become the man I want to be when I feel so messed up now? I have a tendancy to overthink everything - even the future. By letting go of the future, I'm telling myself that it doesn't matter who I am tomorrow; what matter's is who I am choosing to be today. So if I can let go of the reins, then I can free myself to take life one day at a time.
2. Tell myself, "I don't need to be perfect today - I just need to do the best I can."
3. (Related to #2) Be okay with not being perfect and don't resist change. I know we came to this earth to gain a body and be tested (sometimes tested BY our bodies), and that's the "Sunday School" answer, but my own personal opinion of why we're here is to change. We were children of our Heavenly Father, but we were unlike Him. He presented a plan that would enable us to become like Him. The whole plan is based on changing - from being unlike our Father, to becoming like Him. Change is not only good, it's necessary. I can be okay with not being perfect, because it's only the starting point and it's the whole reason I'm here on earth anyway. I think I have really, really beat myself up for being imperfect, not realizing that that was the point of being here. So today, I'm going to look in the mirror and say, "you don't have to be perfect today, just do the best you can."
4. Taking care of my health is not selfish, it's a necessity.
When I look back over my life and think about the times I was most successful at accomplishing something I see a pattern, I was Conscious of what needed to be done and I was Consistent in doing it. I think those two things will help me the most, Conscious and Consistent. For example: I am aware that I don't think of myself in the highest regard (when I say "think" in this sense, I mean literally, they way I "speak to myself" in my mind is negative), so I need to make a CONSCIOUS effort to "think" more positively of myself (or, in other words, "speak to myself" in my mind in a more positive manner) and I need to do this CONISTENTLY. That feels doable when I think of it in terms of just taking things one day at a time. "Today, be aware (conscious) and put in the effort (consistent), then at the end of the day, review how I did and plan to do the same (or make adjustments) tomorrow."
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