Here's some background:
As I sat contemplating my life - what I have versus what I want versus what I think I want, etc., etc., I came to the realization that I wasn't really being honest with myself. In a renewed effort to correct my self-deception, I realized that I would have to do one of the hardest things ever - ask for help. Which also meant being really honest with myself about what I really want out of life.
Two things resulted - one, I submitted my name to an online weightloss coaching program, which is a little pricey and only takes an unspecified number of clients a couple of times per year, in the hopes that I might be accepted on their next go-round. Second result, my previous blog post (My Dirty Little Secret...) where I came shame-facedly clean.
Let me just pause a moment and say,"thank you," to all those who have contacted me and offered support. It means a lot to me that you would reach out to me and it's comforting to know that there's always somebody out there who cares and is able/willing to help. It surprised me how many people have contacted me to tell me that they seem to be able to relate. (I'm constantly amazed when someone else identifies with a struggle I'm having...) I guess we really all are in this together and all the more reason not to be afraid to reach out.
In any case, the program I submitted my name to just opened their registration today and I got a spot! So it's official - I'm in! I made it!! After getting confirmation that I had been accepted I realized just how anxious I had been to be accepted. I have a lot of faith in those who run the program and they guarantee their results 100%. Which means, as long as I follow their directions as well as I can, I'm sure to get some measure of improved health. I really can't even tell you how excited I am to be a part of this program!! I'll include a link to the website in case anyone is interested in learning more about it. It's not just a weightloss program. It's not a diet and not a temporary fix. This program is 12 months long with personalized coaching and advice.
I am so elated right now that I don't what else to say, except that I'm absolutely chuffed. (There, I had to go to the UK to even find the right words!!)
Oh, and I'm scared! But it's not fear that stems from a "fear of failure" this time - which feeling I'm extremely well acquanted with; but it's the "excitement" fear - the fear of uncertainty of the journey, but the confidence that the outcome will be worth it. Does that make sense? Because it doesn't to me; I guess that feeling is just too new.
So here's to the future and to the journey - it's gonna be great!! (Oh! And wish me luck!!)
Wellness Coaching Website:
Precision Nutrition - http://www.precisionnutrition.com/
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
My dirty little secret…
I’ve been debating for a long time whether or not to share
my dirty little secret. I hid this part of me for most of my life, but I’ve
felt the need to come clean. Perhaps it’s just the timing of the new year – with
constant talk about goals and resolutions, with looking back and looking forward,
etc. The last year has been filled with so many changes, and more than its
share of challenges, that it’s hard to fathom what this year may bring. One
thing I do know – I don’t want to spend another year hiding. So what am I
hiding? What’s my dirty little secret…?
I want to lose weight.
That’s it. That’s my dirty little secret. Not what you were expecting me to say? Is that a bit of a let down? It may not seem like such a profound announcement, but in its way, that is one of the hardest things I’ve ever put in writing. Let me explain.
It’s true that I have been overweight most of my life. I can’t recall a time when I was thin, at any rate. I was teased and made fun of; I was looked down on and ridiculed. I was betrayed and hurt by friends and family. I learned at a very young age, that being fat (“different”) was bad and that I was worth less than those who were thin and attractive. I literally didn’t fit in, and the world let me know in so many ways. Under those circumstances, it would be perfectly logical for me to want to lose weight, right? So that I could fit in and feel normal.
On the surface, it wasn’t unusual for me to admit that I was on a diet. I would often remark that I knew I needed to exercise more, or be more active (sometimes I actually tried!). But all of these things were superficial and, ultimately, to please others. I knew what I SHOULD say/do – because being fat is bad/unacceptable and I SHOULD do all I can to lose weight. But deep down, I felt so bad about myself, that I secretly believed I deserved to be fat and all the bad things that went with it. So, publicly, I kept up the façade. Privately, I was dying of desperation. It is a nightmarish reality to live a life wanting something that is ultimately good, but denying yourself because you think you don’t deserve it.
I guess what it boils down to is that I’ve been too embarrassed to admit that I want to lose weight, because I’m so ashamed of being overweight. Admitting that I desperately want to lose weight is admitting how unhappy I am this way; how unhappy I’ve been for a long time. Making the admission public is also passing a point of no return. If I say this out loud, that “I want to lose weight,” then there’s no going back. People are going to ask, “how’s it going with the weight loss thing?” They’re going to EXPECT me to lose weight and what happens if I don’t? What happens if I fail miserably and don’t lose any weight? Then every time someone asks me about it, I’m going to feel like a failure. I’m only going to be reminded of how disappointed I am in myself; especially how disappointed I am in myself for making poor lifestyle choices that keep me overweight.
People are going to look down on me and I’m going to hear that little voice in the back of my head that says, “see, I knew you couldn’t do it.” Then I’m just going to go on being ashamed and disappointed. Then there’s the condescending voice that says “oh, you want to lose weight? Yeah, good luck with that. You could work out for 8 hours a day and it still wouldn’t make a dent, but if you want to put in your 30 minutes of walking, you go right ahead. Just don’t be surprised when nothing happens because it’s not nearly going to be enough…” and so on. And I haven’t really even addressed shame yet! I’m ashamed of wanting to do something selfish. I’m ashamed of putting myself first. I’m ashamed of taking care of myself physically because I think anything physical is temporary and not what the Lord wants me to focus on. (Can someone help me out with making sense of “self-care vs. putting God first,” because this is still a hard one for me?) Another barrier was the feeling that I HAD to lose weight just to be acceptable or to have any worth. Which I know now is a lie, but for most of my life, this was true. The popular kids were thin and athletic. The people who got invited to parties and had tons of friends were thin and attractive.
With all those negative connotations, is it any wonder that I haven’t wanted to verbalize just how much I want to lose weight? (If you can relate to any of this, then maybe you can see why it was so hard for me to openly admit that I want to lose weight.)
Maybe this year isn’t really about weight loss, so much as being honest with myself. Maybe the thing I want from 2014 is to stop living according to what I think other people think I should do or want. Or maybe it’s about finally having the humility (courage?) to admit that I need help and to actually reach out and ask for it. (I know it’s a guy thing, but asking for help is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to do…) Asking for help feels the same as admitting defeat. It’s like saying, “yep, I failed… again. I wasn’t good enough… again.” I guess that’s just pride/self-pity talking.
So I want to lose weight. And not because I think it’s what fat people are supposed to want, but because I want it for myself. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. I’m tired of daily discouragement and disappointment. I’m tired of being uncomfortable in my skin (not to mention clothing!).
Lastly, I want to apologize to all the people I COULD have asked for help. I realize that many friends I’ve had would have been more than willing to help, should I have asked for it. And to those people I say, “thanks. I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to ask for your help – I was too embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I also hope that if someone else comes to you and asks for help that you take a minute to recognize and congratulate that person on having the courage to ask for help, because it’s not an easy thing for some of us to do. (And I hope that you feel flattered that they look up to you enough to even want to ask you for your help.)”
Even though I feel like it ripped my heart out, I feel better getting that off my chest. I really am looking forward to 2014. I have a lot of hope for this year (regardless of how much weight I lose!).
I want to lose weight.
That’s it. That’s my dirty little secret. Not what you were expecting me to say? Is that a bit of a let down? It may not seem like such a profound announcement, but in its way, that is one of the hardest things I’ve ever put in writing. Let me explain.
It’s true that I have been overweight most of my life. I can’t recall a time when I was thin, at any rate. I was teased and made fun of; I was looked down on and ridiculed. I was betrayed and hurt by friends and family. I learned at a very young age, that being fat (“different”) was bad and that I was worth less than those who were thin and attractive. I literally didn’t fit in, and the world let me know in so many ways. Under those circumstances, it would be perfectly logical for me to want to lose weight, right? So that I could fit in and feel normal.
On the surface, it wasn’t unusual for me to admit that I was on a diet. I would often remark that I knew I needed to exercise more, or be more active (sometimes I actually tried!). But all of these things were superficial and, ultimately, to please others. I knew what I SHOULD say/do – because being fat is bad/unacceptable and I SHOULD do all I can to lose weight. But deep down, I felt so bad about myself, that I secretly believed I deserved to be fat and all the bad things that went with it. So, publicly, I kept up the façade. Privately, I was dying of desperation. It is a nightmarish reality to live a life wanting something that is ultimately good, but denying yourself because you think you don’t deserve it.
I guess what it boils down to is that I’ve been too embarrassed to admit that I want to lose weight, because I’m so ashamed of being overweight. Admitting that I desperately want to lose weight is admitting how unhappy I am this way; how unhappy I’ve been for a long time. Making the admission public is also passing a point of no return. If I say this out loud, that “I want to lose weight,” then there’s no going back. People are going to ask, “how’s it going with the weight loss thing?” They’re going to EXPECT me to lose weight and what happens if I don’t? What happens if I fail miserably and don’t lose any weight? Then every time someone asks me about it, I’m going to feel like a failure. I’m only going to be reminded of how disappointed I am in myself; especially how disappointed I am in myself for making poor lifestyle choices that keep me overweight.
People are going to look down on me and I’m going to hear that little voice in the back of my head that says, “see, I knew you couldn’t do it.” Then I’m just going to go on being ashamed and disappointed. Then there’s the condescending voice that says “oh, you want to lose weight? Yeah, good luck with that. You could work out for 8 hours a day and it still wouldn’t make a dent, but if you want to put in your 30 minutes of walking, you go right ahead. Just don’t be surprised when nothing happens because it’s not nearly going to be enough…” and so on. And I haven’t really even addressed shame yet! I’m ashamed of wanting to do something selfish. I’m ashamed of putting myself first. I’m ashamed of taking care of myself physically because I think anything physical is temporary and not what the Lord wants me to focus on. (Can someone help me out with making sense of “self-care vs. putting God first,” because this is still a hard one for me?) Another barrier was the feeling that I HAD to lose weight just to be acceptable or to have any worth. Which I know now is a lie, but for most of my life, this was true. The popular kids were thin and athletic. The people who got invited to parties and had tons of friends were thin and attractive.
With all those negative connotations, is it any wonder that I haven’t wanted to verbalize just how much I want to lose weight? (If you can relate to any of this, then maybe you can see why it was so hard for me to openly admit that I want to lose weight.)
Maybe this year isn’t really about weight loss, so much as being honest with myself. Maybe the thing I want from 2014 is to stop living according to what I think other people think I should do or want. Or maybe it’s about finally having the humility (courage?) to admit that I need help and to actually reach out and ask for it. (I know it’s a guy thing, but asking for help is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to do…) Asking for help feels the same as admitting defeat. It’s like saying, “yep, I failed… again. I wasn’t good enough… again.” I guess that’s just pride/self-pity talking.
So I want to lose weight. And not because I think it’s what fat people are supposed to want, but because I want it for myself. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. I’m tired of daily discouragement and disappointment. I’m tired of being uncomfortable in my skin (not to mention clothing!).
Lastly, I want to apologize to all the people I COULD have asked for help. I realize that many friends I’ve had would have been more than willing to help, should I have asked for it. And to those people I say, “thanks. I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to ask for your help – I was too embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I also hope that if someone else comes to you and asks for help that you take a minute to recognize and congratulate that person on having the courage to ask for help, because it’s not an easy thing for some of us to do. (And I hope that you feel flattered that they look up to you enough to even want to ask you for your help.)”
Even though I feel like it ripped my heart out, I feel better getting that off my chest. I really am looking forward to 2014. I have a lot of hope for this year (regardless of how much weight I lose!).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)