Isn't there a t.v. show called, "I should be dead?" No, wait! It's Animal Planet's "I shouldn't be alive." Okay, same difference. Anyway, that's a bit how I ended the semester. On the one hand I didn't perform as well in some of my classes as I'd hoped, but then, on the other hand, I actually ended up doing better than I thought (all A's and one B - which probably should have been a C!). Yes, I know I'm naturally hard on myself, but seriously, you know when you really haven't done your best, right?
I'm not sure what I wanted this post to be about... I don't know how to sum up the experiences and things I've learned over the last 4 months. Here I am on the otherside of one of the hardest semesters of my life and I still can't believe I got through it. It's like my perception is still trying to catch up with reality. Well, here are a few things I have reflected on...
1. Don't move during the middle of a semester!
I moved in the middle of October into my step-mom's house to watch it for her while she is on her mission (Area Office in Frankfurt, Germany). It was all supposed to work out perfectly - she would leave right after Gen Con on Oct 3rd, then I would use my Fall break to pack up and move during the 2nd week of October... until I got summoned for Jury Duty THAT week!! I felt like I had a target on my back and the universe had just been waiting for me to "hold still." Yes, it was an awful week, but I got through it. Actually, it was my family that got me through it; I could never have done it without them. They helped me pack and move; they were just there for me, which means a lot to me.
2. What am I worth?
When things started getting really hard I asked myself a lot whether or not I was capable enough to do this. Logically, I knew the answer was yes, but the doubt I felt about my ability was crushing at times. I wondered why this was so hard if I loved it so much? Shouldn't the things we love doing be "easy?" Or at least enjoyable? I was starting to feel like I had made a huge mistake and that my biggest mistake was thinking I could do this... then I remembered that I have the agency to choose both what and how I think. I realized that I have a tendency to see the world as very black and white, which it's not. I somehow learned to equate "hard" with "wrong." Meaning that if something was "too hard" then it must be the wrong thing to do becuase when you when decide to do the right thing, Heavenly Father makes it easy for you to do, right? The people of Alma, for example, were in "bondage" to the Lamanites, but Heavenly Father blessed them that their burdens were light and they could not feel them; they submitted cheerfully; etc. Well, guess, what? That's not always true. I think for me, when things get hard, it's just an opportunity to examine my faith and decide how important is the choice I am making. Part of that is having to decide whether or not I feel I am worth doing hard things.
3. Who am I here for?
I had a huge epiphany one day when it suddenly occured to me that I was more worried about what my professor's and peers would think of my grades and assignments than actually learning the material to be a competent clinician. I would look at others in the class and would find myself lacking compared to their strengths; I would worry that my professors would be disappointed in my shoddy or lackluster work. But then I had this epiphany and asked myself, who am I here for? Am I in the program to impress people? Am I here to try to get better grades than everyone else, thereby proving my importance? Is it to get the praise of my professors above others? Of course not!! I'm here because I want to help people. I'm here because I want to feel like my life has been useful to others. I'm here because I want a fulfilling career and a better life. I lose sight of that everytime I compare myself and find that I'm not good enough. The problem is in comparing myself to others. As soon as I start comparing, I lose. I found that when I stopped comparing myself, I realized that I am capable and that I'm here because I think my strengths are suited for this career. As soon as I took the pressure off to perform like everyone else, I realized that I was missing out on truly enjoying what I was learning because I wasn't learning it for me, I was learning it to try to prove my worth... well, guess what? My worth never went anywhere - it's always been inherent, I just wouldn't let myself see it. But I see it now and my hope is that all these things I have learned will help me in the future to stop adding more stress where it's not necessary. School is hard enough as it is, I don't need to make it worse by thinking I'm not capable.
These are not the lessons I expected to learn in Graduate School, but they are obviously the lessons I've needed to learn and I am grateful for that. I know I'm in the right place and I know everything will work out. Looking back, maybe it was the "Fall of Micah" afterall. Here's to Spring and 5/6 of the way through!! In other words, 1 semester down, 5 to go...
