When learning hurts...

So I had a rough learning experience this week.

A little background to set the scene. I have been experiencing some inconsistent knee pain this last week during certain movements in workouts, like when squatting, or even just everyday activities, like going down stairs, getting in and out of my car, etc. I say inconsistent, because sometimes the pain is there and sometimes it's not - weird, I know. In any event, I met with my trainer for our weekly workout and I let him know about what's been going on. So we began the workout and he had me do some new exercises/movements to help investigate what might be causing that pain.

Pretty close to the end of our workout, and after seeing that there wasn't any one particular movement or position that made a difference - again, pretty inconsistent - he had me do some body weight squats. He showed me the form he wanted me to use and could see after just one try that I was having a hard time. So on the second attempt he stands behind me and brings his leg forward to brace my back as I squat and he instructs me to push my hips back even further. I could only go down so far before losing all strength and feeling that twinge in my knee. In order to compensate for that I leaned forward to maintain my balance, not just in the squat position, but in order to stand back up, which I did.

I realized that being overweight and carrying most of that weight in my belly has pushed my center of gravity forward, such that when I went down to a certain height, I needed to lean forward in order to maintain balance. With him telling me to move my hips backward, it completely threw off my center of gravity and I didn't have the strength to hold myself in that position without feeling like I was falling backwards.

On my third attempt, this time with him insisting that I push my hips back, and even though I felt his leg bracing me, I couldn't do it. I fell. It was only about 4-5 inches, and the physical fall didn't hurt, but what hurt was the emotional toll that short action had on me. Craig (my trainer) walked around and held out his hand to help me stand up and said, "come on, one more time." I took his hand and let him help me up. I was feeling very weak, embarrassed and ashamed of myself. He walked around behind me one more time and told me to try again. I didn't want to do it, but I did. He tells me, "Bring your hips back. I'm here, I've got you." I tried again and really focused on bringing my hips backward into the sitting position. Same result. I could only go so far before my legs completely gave out. I fell again.

"It's okay," I hear Craig's voice behind me as we walks around to face me. He holds out his hand again to help me stand up, but this time I hesitate. I didn't want to take his hand at first; I was too angry - mad at myself. I didn't even want to look at him. I was so ashamed of myself. I was mad at being so fat that I couldn't even hold myself up. I was mad at being so weak that I couldn't even complete the simplest exercise. Then I got mad at myself for everything that had happened to me in my past that led me to this humiliating moment - most especially my own bone-headed decisions. You know, the little ones that you don't think will have any consequences? "Just one little bite won't hurt (which then turns into an entire pie/cake/pizza/etc.); I had a rough week, I can have some ice cream; I'm too tired to exercise, I just really need to rest/relax;" etc.

"Come on," he beckons again. I take his hand and stand up, then bend over forward - out of breath and defeated. As he walks away, while I "recover," he says, "we can stop there for today, but lets do some foam rolling." In that moment, I'm just trying to keep my shit together. I'm flooded with emotions and feeling like a massive failure. As I get my breath back I walk to where he is with the foam roller and he goes through what he wants me to do. I've done some foam rolling before and even though I don't tell him that, I'm glad to be doing something I kind of know how to do. But my mind isn't really on it and when I finish he tells me to just relax and breathe.

But he can see on my face that I'm not okay. "Are you still thinking about what happened back there?" he asks me. "Yes," I said with my head hanging down, "I'm pretty upset about it actually." I proceed to tell him how I'm feeling about myself and that prompted a pretty frank discussion about what I can learn from this experience. I wish I had a tape recorder with me to remember all of the details, but some of the major points he made were these:

I didn't fail today.
He pointed out all of things I WAS able to do - like learn a brand new exercise while keeping great form; being better conditioned in that I could actually talk to him between sets of prowler pushes; even one of the other trainers in the gym let him know that he sees me there working out on my own; etc. He pointed out that struggling with one exercise, while showing improvement in others is still a win.

In that moment I was choosing to feel bad about myself.
(That's always a tough one to hear, but he was right.) I was choosing to focus on the one thing I "failed" at, while not acknowledging all the other things I had done well. I was the one bringing up all my past mistakes and failures and causing myself to drown in regret. Additionally, he pointed out a danger in that, when I do that, I am also projecting my fears into the future, ensuring that I won't change when my focus is only on what I've done (and by extension, will continue to do) wrong. He instructed me to do some meditations to project into my future what my vision for myself is, but then to "come back" to the present and look at what choices I can make today to help lead to that future vision. In essence - have a vision of who I want to be, but focus on today (what I can control), not on the future (what I can't control).

Life is not black and white.
Coming from a highly religious background, I tend to paint most things as black and white - either you're good or you're bad and there is no in-between. But the truth is, there is gray. Humans aren't perfect, there is some good and bad in all of us - all of us make mistakes. Sometimes we make "bad" choices; sometimes we exhibit "bad" behavior. If life were only black and white, there would be no hope for us; but life has shades of gray - that is the training ground that allows us to learn how to make better choices. You can fail at something and not BE a failure - which is a totally foreign concept to a shame-based way of thinking. There is no gray for shame-based people, but that is not how life was designed.

If you have beliefs that are hurting you, then they are garbage and need to be thrown away. YOU CAN CHOOSE NEW BELIEFS. It may sound surprising, but this one is very difficult for me to accept. Again, due to shame-based thinking, wherein labels ARE the thing itself. What I mean is, I come from a past and a way of thinking that says: "if you do something bad you ARE bad. If you make a mistake, you ARE a mistake. If you fail at something you ARE a failure. If you ARE fat then you don't fit in and you ARE unacceptable. You can't be yourself because who you ARE, at your core, is unacceptable." When these beliefs are adopted at a young age they feel permanent - as if set in stone and unalterable. In my case, I know that these beliefs were instilled by the time I was six. And when I say instilled, I mean that by this age these beliefs were so ingrained that they were automatic. I had fully accepted their reality - this is who I am. There has never, ever been a time in my life when I didn't know that I was a failure, or a mistake, from the beginning. This is my foundation. Even though it's wrong, it's the only foundation I've known, so the prospect of removing my foundation is terrifying.

But what is the result? I have built a house on my crooked foundation that has resulted in unnecessary pain, an "ugly" house that is fat and un-athletic and lives in misery and sadness. The windows only see and reflect pain, sadness, and loneliness. A house of misery. What I am going through in attempting to improve my fitness is the equivalent of trying to tear down and rebuild my house, but in the process realizing that my house was poorly constructed because the foundation was misshapen and uneven to begin with. Which means, basically, that I need to gut the foundation and start over. I need to throw away the beliefs that are hurting me and choose new ones. Insightful imagery aside, this is much harder to do than it sounds. Hmm... harder to do, but not impossible...

This is why learning hurts. It reaches to the core of who I am. It forces me to examine the beliefs, experiences and circumstances that have been a part of me, seemingly from the beginning - and many of them, as I begin to shine a light on them, are dark, disgusting and terrifying (okay, not ALL of them, there are some good things in there too!). When I see the "bad" things I regret them or feel ashamed of them and the cycle continues. But the cycle CAN be broken. Actually thy cycle MUST be broken in order to progress.

The irony is not lost on me - the only way to progress is to fail. I need failures - I need to experience failing AND STILL BEING OKAY. I need to learn that I can fall on my ass a few times and "fail" at something, i.e., discover a limitation, AND STILL BE OKAY. In order to change my beliefs it will take deciding to believe different and then experiencing believing different and that isn't going to happen overnight, because experience takes time. And that's how it's supposed to be.

So how would you finish the phrase: "When learning hurts..."?

Here's how I think I would finish it: When learning hurts, be grateful. It means that what you're learning is significant and it's helping you become what you were meant to be.

Thou shalt be unhappy...

I feel like I have to prove to the world that I’m worthless. It’s like, that’s how I see myself and nobody else seems to agree; no one else seems to be buying into that idea. Which I really don’t get, because for about seven years, I was made fun of everyday. I’m not exaggerating. I was literally made fun of every single day from, like, 4^th grade until I was a junior in High School. Life was hell. Every day I woke up with a knot in my stomach wondering “where it was going to come from today,” or “who’s going to be making fun of me today?” or “how many people are going to laugh when I break another chair again…?” The message of all the insults, ridicule and bullying was loud and clear – “Micah, you don’t fit in here; you don’t fit in anywhere. You’re fat and disgusting and no one wants anything to do with you. We’d all be better off if we didn’t have to look at you.” And I accepted that. They were right. I WAS fat and disgusting. I knew that. I could see it myself when I looked in the mirror. I agreed with them.

Then, little by little, during my junior year of high school, there were less and less insults. Fewer and fewer people seemed to be interested in teasing me. Maybe they were just bored with it. Or maybe they were “growing up.” The strange thing is, while the insults stopped, the message that I wasn’t acceptable didn’t. Okay, so people were no longer making fun of me outright, but there seemed to be a whole new method of reminding me that I wasn’t worth much. It was typified in conversations that I overheard from girls, mostly. They frequently talked about boys they liked and it was always the thin, athletic, good-looking guys they were fawning over. Okay, message received – girls aren’t into fat guys, got it. Being avoided and excluded can be just as isolating and hurtful as being pointed at and laughed at.

I’m pretty sure part of me is writing this so people will feel sorry for me, which has been my “go to” coping mechanism for quite some time. It’s why/how I became addicted to self-pity. It felt great to say, “See? I’m the victim. I was innocent and the ‘world’ did this to me – so everyone should feel sorry for me and even admire me for what I’ve been through,” as if my suffering has been a nobly endured self-sacrifice. What a load of crap! Basically it was me saying, I was hurt, therefore, I’m not responsible for anything that happens in my life.

But then who’s to blame for all this hurt? Who’s to blame for everything going wrong? Paradoxically - Me. It has to be my fault, because I’m the only one that I can truly punish. I can’t punish my parents. I can’t punish my friends. I can’t punish Heavenly Father. But me? “Me” I can punish. “Me” I can blame. After all, I never would have been made fun of if I had been thin. I would have been one of the guys the girls wanted to be with if I had been athletic and attractive. So it WAS my fault. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t measure up and I had no one to blame for that but me. “Oh, but you have such a great personality,” people have said. Uh… yeah, sure, whatever. Too bad a good personality wasn’t enough to be acceptable, otherwise why would I have been teased so mercilessly? Clearly, appearances are much more important than people are willing to admit.

So… I learned to be a worthless victim, which helped me to survive, but it also made me miserable. It also led me to establish a pattern of reacting to everything in life with a negative mindset. Life is a series of obstacles that are too hard for me. My focus is always on what I can’t do or why I can’t do it – i.e., making excuses (to stay safe). You see, I learned in church that if something was right, then Heavenly Father would help you by lifting the burden and making it light, i.e., making it easy. So if something in my life was too hard, it meant I was doing something wrong, because I wasn’t receiving help. Or, for whatever reason, I wasn’t deserving of help. And the “I’m worthless…” cycle continued. Made all the more painful at the thought that I have a loving Father in Heaven who doesn’t think I’m worth enough to help.

Of course, nobody likes a wet blanket, so I learned pretty quick to “have the appearance” that everything is okay and not to let anyone know that I’m really suffering. So I became a pretty good liar, for the most part. Fast forward to today when I’ve played my part so well that I’ve completely snowed everyone into thinking that I’m confident and capable.  So much so that people actually treat me that way and it’s just weird. People actually treat me like I’m capable and are even complementary at times. What?!? When did this happen? Don’t we still live in a world where I’m the fat loser that everyone hates and is disgusted by? How is it that the same world that beat me down as a little kid, grew up and now treats me with respect? And what, I’m supposed to just change all that overnight? No way! They hurt me. They can’t just change their minds and say, “oh, so now we think you are pretty awesome and we want you to believe in yourself.” What?!? Excuse me?!? You can’t just change your mind like that. If you’re gonna hate me, then hate me and keep hating me, but don’t hate me for a little bit, then decide that you want to change your mind and start treating me like I’m someone deserving of respect. It’s like the worst joke you can play on someone – make them believe they are one thing, then once they have fully embraced that, make a complete reversal and tell them they’re something else.

There are so many hard things about being in this situation, but one of, if not, THE hardest thing to deal with is what’s going on inside of me. There’s that guy inside of me asking, “okay, so the world is giving you mixed signals – but what do YOU want to believe? Who do YOU want to be?” And right now, I don’t know. I’m struggling to know how to answer those questions. I’ve relied on outside opinions to tell me who I am for so long that I’ve lost the ability to choose that for myself. Or maybe it’s in there somewhere, but just atrophied from lack of use.

I’ve believed for so long that I was meant to be unhappy, as if it were an unspoken commandment meant only for people like me – “…but thou? Thou shalt be unhappy.” “Men are that they might have joy… unless you’re fat, then all bets are off!”

The other thing that’s hard is that I played the victim in order to avoid responsibility, when in reality, I am the only one who can be responsible for me, including being responsible for what I believe. Talk about a cruel irony! Being fat wasn’t/isn’t the problem. Being made fun of wasn’t the problem. Being told I was “worthless” wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I chose to believe it. It was MY choice. No one forced me to internalize that belief. When someone made fun of me, I could just as easily have said, “you’re wrong.” But I didn’t. I was/am far too sensitive. I want people to be happy and I’m willing to “be wrong” if it means making someone else happy to be right. But discounting myself has a cost and I’ve been paying that price my whole life.

I was so busy looking for someone else to tell me that I was okay, that I never learned how to tell myself that I’m okay. And no, Heavenly Father doesn’t help by making things easy, but He does help. And He isn’t up there, sitting His throne, waiting for me to mess up so that he can either punish me or intervene, He’s right here with me, encouraging me and doing all He can, in spite of the limitations I put on Him, to help me. Men ARE that they might have joy, but they also have to have bad days. I don’t think that scripture meant that we should only be feeling joy and if we don’t, then we’re doing something wrong. I think it just means that joy is a worthwhile endeavor – that it’s okay to live in such a way that produces joy. This world was created to hold all the good AND the bad and it was a part of the plan to experience both. Things aren’t hard for me because I’m worthless and undeserving, things are hard because I’m human and mortal. Things aren’t hard because I made some horrible mistake by being born fallible; they are hard because that’s just how it was designed. Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong. And besides, from the very beginning, help was there – promised even.

And there’s no denying that I’ve been helped. There’s no denying that I’m still here. After all the crap I’ve been through and all the times I contemplated being done with this world and my miserable existence, I’m still here. (And trust me when I say that the teasing was a walk in the park compared to some other things I’ve been through, it’s just that the other things are far too personal to share at this point!) I’m learning, I’m changing, I'm messing up sometimes and getting things right sometimes, I have good days and bad days, and so on and so forth, and isn't that what this life is really all about?

Happiness

It's been a little over a month since I've been participating in the Precision Nutrition Lean Eating program. It's been an interesting month. I signed up for the program to get some help losing weight (yay! I can finally admit it now!!), but already, what I've gotten is so much more.

The program has really challenged me to look at my habits/lifestyle and question it. Is it healthy? Yes or no. If not, why not and what can I do to change it? It's not just dealing with mechanics of losing weight, it's dealing with me - as a person - and getting (cutting!) to the core of what I believe and why I do what I do. It's not psychotherapy by any means, but some of the insights I've gained have felt like coming out of an intense therapy session. I like that it's focus is on behaviors, as well. Maybe you can't change someone's attitudes, but you can ask them to behave differently and see what happens. That's what this program does.

I have a coach I can contact if I'm having doubts, concerns, or questions, or just not sure how to complete assignments, etc. And he's been really great at getting to the core of what my concerns are and knowing what to suggest to help me along. One (of the many) things he's done for me is to help me understand the nature of happiness a little better. I've often been annoyed stymied by people who say, "happiness is a choice, if you want to be happy, just choose to be happy." Hmmm.... Okay, well, it's not bad advice, nor do I think it's wrong, but for me the question is, if it's just that easy, wouldn't I have done that by now?

My coach had this to say: "Happiness is a tricky one. It's not that we can just sit in a chair, want to become happy, and be happy. Happiness is a side effect that comes and goes in life. It's not something that can be pursued, rather, it ensues based on how we are living."

Related to that, he said that happiness can increase... "When you live according to what you value. If you value your body and health, and you exhibit behaviors that follow suit, that can build self-worth [happiness]."

I think I wasted a lot of time pursuing happiness instead of pursuing a life that generates happiness. I think I just had the wrong priorities because I had the wrong idea about what would bring me happiness. Consequently, true happines has eluded me for most of my life. I still have a way to go on changing my habits and living according to what I value, but at least I feel that I'm on the right track now and that happiness is attainable.

Life in limbo

I didn't sleep all that well last night. I remember tossing and turning several times. Then when I did "wake up," I had the nagging beginnings of a sore throat. I didn't feel sick though - as in, no aches/pains, no headache/migraines, etc., which helped me realize that I had been pushing my luck with my diet.

Over the last few of weeks I've not really paid attention to what I was eating. And being careless has resulted in eating lots of sugar, dairy and white flour. This is like a sore-throat cocktail when I think about it. Sugar depresses the immune system and contributes to inflammation. For me, dairy increases secretions, congestion and allergies/post-nasal drip. So it's not surprising that I would feel a sore throat coming on.

I've been thinking about why I haven't cared to keep track of what I was eating. I know one reason is this terrible limbo I'm in. I'm out of school and not working. I'm living at my mom's house again (which is more psychologically depressing than anything) and just waiting for my license to come through so I can officially move/start working. I have felt so out of place and purposeless. I've been through this really difficult Master's program and now that I (against all odds!) actually feel ready to start working in my new field, I'm just sitting around not doing anything. I feel like my life is kind of meaningless right now.

It's not the first time my life has felt meaningless, but it's first time I've had high enough self-esteem to really feel like I'm good at something and can make a difference in people's lives. And yet, here I am, just sitting here - not doing that.

As I've been reflecting on it I realize that this experience has been good in that it's helped me see that I haven't really been living my life with intention. I guess I've felt that if my life were filled with things to keep me busy then I was "living," but really I've just been living to distract myself with "busy-ness," not really living, or enjoying life. This makes me wonder, what is it that I'm trying to distract myself from? It's in those moments when I don't have enough to do that I feel purposeless, which to me also feels very much like not having worth or not measuring up - in other words, I'm not "busy" doing meaningful things, so I'm failing at life. That sounds a little drastic, but the little knot I feel in my stomach as I type this tells me I might be on to something here...

Just when I think I've dealt with my issues of poor self-esteem and low self-worth, some other aspect of it creeps up in another area of my life - which only proves to me how pervasive that belief system has been and how profoundly it's impacted every area of my life. But the more erroneous belief system connections I find, the more connections I can break, alter, or at the very least weaken.

Which I guess means it's time for me to make a schedule for myself of when to sleep and when to exercise. I also need to start doing more exercise than just walking. Even though walking is excellent exercise, I need to start pushing myself a little more. I also need to start to keep a food journal. It sounds like a pain, but after all, I have the time...

The right motivation

While I was out walking this morning I was thinking about what motivates me - specifically about exercise.

I've always had a thing about whether or not I should do something depending on whether or not I felt my motivation for it was right or wrong. For example: If I felt that my motivation to exercise was to "look good," then I would feel that that was shallow, superficial motivation and I wouldn't follow through on my commitment to exercise. On the other hand, if my motivation was to really take care of my health, then that was a "right" motivation, and I'd do the "right" things.

Essentially, I've wanted to do the right things FOR the right reason's and if I didn't have the right reason's, then I didn't do anything, even the "right" things. I know that's flawed logic, but there it is. (I must have adopted this view when I was little and when you're little, logic isn't at the forefront of your decision making processes...)

The problem is, we live in a world where we can't truly "see" good health. Don't get me wrong, to some degree good health equates to looking good. It's true that in general people who are healthy, also look good... usually. I do know some people who are healthy, but don't have a "perfect" body that "looks good." And certainly, not everyone who looks good is healthy (chain-smokers are pretty thin, but that's not a body I'd want!). And I'm just going to say it, skinny or not, some people are just ugly and it's not their fault! My point is, I guess I'm not the only one who sometimes gets distracted by appearances. Sure I would love to look good without having to actually work for it. Buying a ton of new clothes is easy. Plastic surgery is easy. Popping pills is easy. The problem is, when I change things on the outside I only change them on the outside and that extrinsic motivation fades - usually pretty quickly and usually with a bag of Oreo's!

Anyway, I realized that, while in and of itself, wanting to look good isn't necessarily bad, what is bad is that I wanted it without wanting to work for it. I thought looking good meant being worth something, and being more acceptable in society, so I was desperate to have it. Desperation doesn't usually lend itself well to wanting to work hard at making lasting positive life changes, just FYI.

But when I think about my health - may actual health, aside from appearance, then I start to ask questions about how I feel about myself on the inside; that's hard work sometimes. There are things about myself I don't want to admit to. But I also realize that my health is infinitely more important than my appearance. I DO want good health. I don't want to go through what my dad did with cancer. I don't want to live my life on a motorized scooter or barely able to get off the couch like some people. I don't want to live my life being sick, weak, uncomfortable and embarrassed or ashamed of myself all the time. I DO want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to travel and explore the world and try new things. I want to meet new people and see how they live. I want to hear other's perspectives on  life. I want to find life enjoyable and fun. That can only come from good health, not just good appearances.

I guess the whole "wanting to look good to be accepted by others" is just another aspect of trying to find acceptance from outside myself, as if that could somehow give me permission to accept myself on the inside. But that only gives other people the power to determine my worth or how I should feel about myself. (No wonder I've felt weak and like a victim - I've chosen to put myself in that position!) The agency, or ability to choose how I feel about myself, is something I should NEVER give away. (But I see it all the time in other people too, so I guess I'm not the only one.)

I almost cringe now when I hear people respond to why they want to lose weight... "to look good!" among other things. What they're really saying is, I want to look good to other people, i.e., to be more acceptable. What about the people who say, "I don't care what other people think, I want to like what I see in the mirror?" People who really love themselves, don't look down on themselves - even when they acknowledge something they want to change. Again, if all you want is to change what you see in the mirror than you are only changing for superficial reasons! In other words, the mirror becomes a symbolic reflection of what you think the world thinks of you based on your appearance. Am I rambling now? I feel like I'm rambling. Is this making any sense?

My point is, looking good might be a nice side benefit to being healthy, but in and of itself, it just isn't enough of a "right" motivation to work hard at being healthy. The desire to be healthy should come from a desire to really be your best self and free you to enjoy living the life you want to live. There is so much joy and abundance in the world, but it takes being healthy to be apart of it.

Fear: A study in black and white (part three)

I realize I have a tendency to ramble, so let's hope this "part three" is the final post in this (now) series of posts...

The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?

Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?

I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?

I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).

I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.

According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."

What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.

But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.

The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.

No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]

My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.

Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!

Fear: A study in black and white (part two)

Just to recap - the gist of my last post was basically that I am afraid of my own thoughts, especially, the thoughts (fears) I project onto others. Which makes me feel like I'm afraid of everything, but in reality I'm afraid of nothing (I know thoughts aren't "nothing," but I'm trying to capture the fleeting and changing nature of thoughts, implying a lack of a "foundation," i.e., so fleeting it feels like nothing).

I've tried to find and examine some of the underlying beliefs that feed into these thoughts and, consequently, my fears, so that I can do something about them. Some of the beliefs I've identified are these:

1. I'm not good enough / I don't measure up
2. I don't deserve to be happy / I deserve to be miserable
3. I'll never amount to anything / I'm not important
4. I'll fail (even I succeed for a moment), or something bad will happen to prevent me from succeeding
5. I'm not capable

It's strange how these five bullet points are here just a simple list, yet they represent a lifetime (literally for me) of agonizing pain and debilitating fear. I didn't just identify these beliefs overnight mind you. I've been trying to uncover these beliefs for well over seven years. It hasn't been an easy process.

But seeing these beliefs, which now exist orthographically, I realize why happiness and self-esteem have been so elusive - with these kind of thoughts, I'm defeated before I begin!

Which leads me to the black and white.

These faulty core beliefs, or FCB's for short, have no gray area. Based on these beliefs I have to be one way or another, there is no middle ground and there is no allowance for the PROCESS of learning. That is, trying, failing, practicing, succeeding, etc. It's like saying if I'm gonna play football then I have to pick up a football and throw the ball perfectly, every single time, from the first pass to the last. How realistic is that? Not at all!! Athletes spend their entire careers trying to improve. Nobody was perfect the first time they did something; there's always a learning curve. But I expect myself to be perfect, because according to my FCB's either I am perfect at something or I'm a failure. (I must be like the therapists version of a "golden" investigator!)

I'm afraid of looking stupid, or being seen as stupid because it's proves that I'm not good enough (FCB #1 and #5). So I avoid life. I keep myself safe. Safety is a big deal. It's amazing what misery and disfunction I'll put up with in order to maintain safety. I think I've developed all the problems in my life as a way of keeping myself safe. But safe from what? What is the danger that is so terrifying that I'm willing to discount my very existence to avoid it? Nothing. Even now, I can't come up with anything. How can I be so afraid of something that I can't even idenfity, let alone define?

While the "great fear" remains elusive, in the meantime, I still have to acknowledge that regardless of what I'm afraid of, these FCB's are what's preventing me from really being the man I want to be and they have to change. I have to change them. That thought is terrifying. My FCB's fight me every step of the way: what if I try to change, but fail (FCB #4 and #3)? What if I'm not really worth changing (FCB #1 and #2)? And the cycle continues.

Can anything break that cycle? YES!! I don't know what people of other faiths hold on to in times like these. I am grateful for the Gospel, however limited I am in my understanding of it, because it gives me the tools that I know will break this cycle. There are many tools, but I think the two most powerful tools in this instance are Faith and Agency. There's a reason faith is the foundation of our belief system. I must have faith that my FCB's are just that, faulty. I must have faith that if the fruit of these thoughts is misery that they can not be from a loving Heavenly Father. These beliefs are not what he would chose for me to believe about myself, but he can't choose for me. Leading to the next tool - agency. He can't force me to choose a belief system, but he allows me to choose. That's what agency is. The freedom to make choices. He has given me the power to change. Perhaps even more than just the power, along with agency, he's actually given me the responsibility to choose for myself.

It's quite the double edged sword. I am able to choose happiness; but that also means whatever misery exists in my life, is of my choosing. If I feel like a victim, it's only because I have victimized myself. I chose to belief such horrible things about myself. And now I can choose to change them. It's like a roller-coaster ride: thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.

You know, as I've been typing I think I've come to the conclusion that what I'm really afraid of is being wrong and being useless. I certainly think that a fear of being wrong is due to pride, but in my case I think that's over-simplifying. I think being wrong represents some pride and also FCB's #1, #3, and #5. In any case, all 5 FCB's are just various aspects of being wrong and/or useless. If I've been a member of the church my whole life and had the gospel the whole time; and if everything about the gospel says that I am important and needed; how did I develop such wrong beliefs? Misperception of how and why other's treated me the way they did (even those, or perhaps especially those, of my own family) and misunderstanding other gospel principles, such a the true nature of humility, which I thought meant that I needed to discount myself and put myself last.

Here I am at the end of this blog post and I still haven't fully expressed the implication of black and white thinking in my life... I suppose that means a part three will follow at some point!

I apologize if all of this is too personal, but the more I talk to people, the more I feel like I'm not alone and that, maybe to some degree, we are afraid of sharing these things; maybe we think that we are the only ones or that others will think we are crazy. I guess this blog is one way to face and to fight my fears, so thanks for letting me share this. And if it helps you, just know that you are not alone.