Fear: A study in black and white (part three)

I realize I have a tendency to ramble, so let's hope this "part three" is the final post in this (now) series of posts...

The vast world of electronic information, whether analog or digital, can fundamentally be broken down into 1's and 0's. This binary code means either "yes" or "no;" "on" or "off." It's straightforward and "black and white." We depend on this simple system to essentially run our electronic lives. But does this translate into other areas of our lives, such as morality (right or wrong), religion (sinner or saint), self-concept (worthless or worthful)?

Long before I understood electronic communication or religious dogma, I classified the world into good and bad (correlating that with positive and negative). I imagine those are concepts that are easiest for children to understand and I would surmise they form the foundation of black and white thinking. While I think this is acceptable, even advisable, for forming a foundation in life, it makes me wonder - if this is just the foundation, what is built on top of it?

I suppose what I'm really wondering is, how have my beliefs in a world of good and bad (black and white) evolved? Or have they? What if that system of classifying things into a good camp or a bad camp never really changed? I mean it still works, right? Some things are good, some are bad and it's helpful to label them as such. But what about the gray?

I see that there are shades of gray in life. Not everyone who is good is 100% good; not everyone who is bad is 100% bad. I see this in the scriptures. Early in the Book of Mormon, the Lamanites were wicked, but praised by Jacob because they loved their wives and did not have concubines. In the bible, Jonah was a prophet, but ran from his duty. In a very short, but profound verse in the book of Ether, Moriantion did justice to the people (good), but did not do justice to himself (bad) and so did not qualify for the spirit of the Lord (Ether 10:11).

I see shades of gray in the world, but I haven't see them in my life. Either I am good or I am bad - there is no in-between. This all or nothing thinking leads to despair. How can anyone keep the commandment to be perfect, all the while being doomed to be a sinner? Prefect is a pretty strict qualification. It doesn't allow for sins or mistakes. Which means I can pretty much peg the sealing of my eternal destruction to about 5 hours (give or take) after my baptism when I had a bad thought! One bad thought? BAM! You're done - it's over, finished. Game over. You lose. There is no consolation prize, but thanks for coming anyway.

According to a black and white thinker anyway. Which, is obviously not the case in the real world. Why give a commandemnt to be perfect, then say you have to learn everything "line upon line and precept upon precept?" Doesn't that seem the teensiest bit contradictory? To me it's saying, essentially, "You HAVE to be perfect to get into heaven, but, unfortunately, you're not ever going to be perfect while you're on earth. So..., good luck with that."

What I've been (purposely) omitting here (for literary emphasis) is the Mediator that joins the expectation (commandment to be perfect) with the possible outcomes (salvation/eternal life or damnation). Since this post is not a discussion of the Savior's role or mission, it will suffice me to say, He allows for the shades of gray and a lack of appreciation for Him in my life, leads to a lack of appreciation for progress or the process of learning.

But this is a post about the impact of black and white thinking. Which I think I must have already stated in this and the previous two posts: Not making any allowance for the grays of life can lead to misery and hopelessness/despair. Or HAS lead to misery, hopelessness, and despair, I should say, because that is the impact it has had. No wonder I am so hard on myself and feel that I deserve to be punished, if I can only be either a sinner or a saint and I sin, that makes me a sinner. Since sinning is bad, I'm bad, and the negative lables just keep coming.

The truth is, I'm not a vile sinner, although I do sin at times. The truth is, I'm not a saintly person, although I am obedient at times. The truth, is that I'm somewhere in between the sliding scale of black and white and my life is filled with grays. As an artist at heart, I should really appreciate that more. When drawing/painting, the grays (shadows) add depth and dimension; they add contour and prespective. This is just like in life - the challenge of having a dual nature within is to subdue one and build the other. This process is just that, a process. I've been so focused on the destination, that I haven't given any thought to the necessity of the process of learning and growing. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the depth, dimension, contour and perspective that experience (i.e., the process of learning) brings.

No, I'm not perfect; I still have work to do to be more obedient. No, I'm not skinny, but I'm still probably healthier than I've ever been. No, I'm not the top of my class, but I've had three people this week (independently) tell me that they are glad I am in this class. I think that means, that for the most part, people seem to like me the way I am and my true friends want me to be better and encourage me to be better, but also accept me for who I am, the way I am. [As a side note, this has long been my definition of true love and what I am ultimately seeking in an eternal companion: Someone who sees the potential of what I can become, but loves me for who I am now.]

My goal is to see life like a magnet, which I think can encompass my evolving belief system.
1. The black and white - A positive pole and a negative pole: yes, the fact that there is a right and wrong exists.
2. The shades of gray - The pull between the two: life rarely happens at one end of the pole. Most of life is the struggle between being pulled toward either end and the choices we make impact which end holds sway.

Sorry, again, for the SUPER long post, but I had to put my [chromatic] thoughts down into black and white (HA! How's that for irony?)!!

Fear: A study in black and white (part one)

A typical morning:
I wake up suddenly. My heart begins to race. Panicky, I ask myself, "what day is it? What time is it? Am I late for something? What do I have going on today? School? Work? Clients?" These questions race through my mind and once I answer them, I realize that I haven't been breathing, so I take a deep breath. I feel my heart pounding and I'm not sure what I'm so anxious about...

That's just a small sample of what it's like to wake up afraid; I suppose I mean that's a sample of what it's like to live afraid, because it's not unsual for these feelings to recurr throughout the day in any number of circumstances.

One question I have been pondering for weeks, if not months, is "what am I afraid of?" What fears are so prevalent in my life that they are with me from the instant I wake up each day?

Then it occurred to me, the reason I've been asking this question for months and not coming up with an answer is becuase what I'm afriad of is - everything and nothing. How do I explain?

One of my biggest fears is that I am afraid of what other people may think about me. So, essentially, I'm afraid of other people's thoughts. That's ridiculous. I know - even as I type this I see how illogical it is to be afraid of what other people are thinking, and yet, the fear I experience is absolutely real - just ask my racing thoughts and beating heart... that has to come from somewhere, right? There's another flaw in this line of thinking - how do I know what other people are thinking? A-HA! That's the key - I DON'T know what other people are thinking - I can't possibly know what other people are thinking. So in reality, my fear is only what I THINK other people are thinking. When I think other people are condemning me, that's coming from within me. When I think other people are looking at me and looking down on me because of my weight, or anything else, that's coming from within me.

Now, to be fair to myself, I WAS actually made fun of quite a lot when I was a child - so there IS a foundation from my own experience in this fear; kids are a lot more vocal about what they're thinking. So I think a part of me has just assumed that whatever it is in other people that makes them want to make fun of me, never really went away, it just went "non-verbal," i.e., stays within their thoughts. Okay, let's assume that's true. Let's say my fears are founded and people really are thinking poorly of me, judging me, condemning me, etc. Why should that make me afraid?

The answer is - disapproval eats right to the center of my deepest fear which is that I'm not good enough; that I don't "measure" up; that I'm inadequate; that I am worthless. When I disappoint someone by not being perfect, when I sense that someone is judging me for my weight/appearance, etc., these things CONFIRM my fear of being inadequate. So that every day, at every turn, I'm afraid that my worthlessness will be confirmed. No wonder I wake up afraid! No wonder I go through life exepcting to fail! No wonder I go through life feeling sorry for myself (this is the fear/self-pity connection). I feel sorry for myself because I expect people will confirm what I fear or what I already believe. Therein lies the problem. I believe it. I'M the one who believes I'm worthless and inadequate. Those fears that I'm projecting on to others (as if I could somehow psychicly channel other people's thoughts) are really coming from within myself.

I've been pausing here for the last 10 minutes after writing the previous paragraph, letting it sink in. And I'm laughing to myself because all I can think if is a line from one of my favorite movies, How Do You Know?. It's Jack Nicholson's character and he says emphatically to his son, "You are a f***ing moron!" (Okay, I know that's not appropriate, but you're just going to have to trust me that it's hilarious the way he does it!)

But's that's how I feel right now - that I'm an "effing" moron!! It's like someone being afraid of bubble gum - it makes no sense! Why am I SO afraid of other people's condemnation?! I guess it's because I've never really known my own worth. I never really believed that I am important. Since I didn't believe in myself, I learned to put more stock on other people's opinion's over my own. I've basically left it up to other people to decide my worth, but the problem is, as I've already stated, I can't really know what people are thinking, so it's really just my own inadequacies I see "reflected" from others.

Sorry this post is so long... I haven't even gotten to the black and white part yet. That will have to wait for another day; introspection takes its toll and I'm kind of burned out at the moment...

Does any of this make sense, or should I be on medication? :)