Thou shalt be unhappy...

I feel like I have to prove to the world that I’m worthless. It’s like, that’s how I see myself and nobody else seems to agree; no one else seems to be buying into that idea. Which I really don’t get, because for about seven years, I was made fun of everyday. I’m not exaggerating. I was literally made fun of every single day from, like, 4^th grade until I was a junior in High School. Life was hell. Every day I woke up with a knot in my stomach wondering “where it was going to come from today,” or “who’s going to be making fun of me today?” or “how many people are going to laugh when I break another chair again…?” The message of all the insults, ridicule and bullying was loud and clear – “Micah, you don’t fit in here; you don’t fit in anywhere. You’re fat and disgusting and no one wants anything to do with you. We’d all be better off if we didn’t have to look at you.” And I accepted that. They were right. I WAS fat and disgusting. I knew that. I could see it myself when I looked in the mirror. I agreed with them.

Then, little by little, during my junior year of high school, there were less and less insults. Fewer and fewer people seemed to be interested in teasing me. Maybe they were just bored with it. Or maybe they were “growing up.” The strange thing is, while the insults stopped, the message that I wasn’t acceptable didn’t. Okay, so people were no longer making fun of me outright, but there seemed to be a whole new method of reminding me that I wasn’t worth much. It was typified in conversations that I overheard from girls, mostly. They frequently talked about boys they liked and it was always the thin, athletic, good-looking guys they were fawning over. Okay, message received – girls aren’t into fat guys, got it. Being avoided and excluded can be just as isolating and hurtful as being pointed at and laughed at.

I’m pretty sure part of me is writing this so people will feel sorry for me, which has been my “go to” coping mechanism for quite some time. It’s why/how I became addicted to self-pity. It felt great to say, “See? I’m the victim. I was innocent and the ‘world’ did this to me – so everyone should feel sorry for me and even admire me for what I’ve been through,” as if my suffering has been a nobly endured self-sacrifice. What a load of crap! Basically it was me saying, I was hurt, therefore, I’m not responsible for anything that happens in my life.

But then who’s to blame for all this hurt? Who’s to blame for everything going wrong? Paradoxically - Me. It has to be my fault, because I’m the only one that I can truly punish. I can’t punish my parents. I can’t punish my friends. I can’t punish Heavenly Father. But me? “Me” I can punish. “Me” I can blame. After all, I never would have been made fun of if I had been thin. I would have been one of the guys the girls wanted to be with if I had been athletic and attractive. So it WAS my fault. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t measure up and I had no one to blame for that but me. “Oh, but you have such a great personality,” people have said. Uh… yeah, sure, whatever. Too bad a good personality wasn’t enough to be acceptable, otherwise why would I have been teased so mercilessly? Clearly, appearances are much more important than people are willing to admit.

So… I learned to be a worthless victim, which helped me to survive, but it also made me miserable. It also led me to establish a pattern of reacting to everything in life with a negative mindset. Life is a series of obstacles that are too hard for me. My focus is always on what I can’t do or why I can’t do it – i.e., making excuses (to stay safe). You see, I learned in church that if something was right, then Heavenly Father would help you by lifting the burden and making it light, i.e., making it easy. So if something in my life was too hard, it meant I was doing something wrong, because I wasn’t receiving help. Or, for whatever reason, I wasn’t deserving of help. And the “I’m worthless…” cycle continued. Made all the more painful at the thought that I have a loving Father in Heaven who doesn’t think I’m worth enough to help.

Of course, nobody likes a wet blanket, so I learned pretty quick to “have the appearance” that everything is okay and not to let anyone know that I’m really suffering. So I became a pretty good liar, for the most part. Fast forward to today when I’ve played my part so well that I’ve completely snowed everyone into thinking that I’m confident and capable.  So much so that people actually treat me that way and it’s just weird. People actually treat me like I’m capable and are even complementary at times. What?!? When did this happen? Don’t we still live in a world where I’m the fat loser that everyone hates and is disgusted by? How is it that the same world that beat me down as a little kid, grew up and now treats me with respect? And what, I’m supposed to just change all that overnight? No way! They hurt me. They can’t just change their minds and say, “oh, so now we think you are pretty awesome and we want you to believe in yourself.” What?!? Excuse me?!? You can’t just change your mind like that. If you’re gonna hate me, then hate me and keep hating me, but don’t hate me for a little bit, then decide that you want to change your mind and start treating me like I’m someone deserving of respect. It’s like the worst joke you can play on someone – make them believe they are one thing, then once they have fully embraced that, make a complete reversal and tell them they’re something else.

There are so many hard things about being in this situation, but one of, if not, THE hardest thing to deal with is what’s going on inside of me. There’s that guy inside of me asking, “okay, so the world is giving you mixed signals – but what do YOU want to believe? Who do YOU want to be?” And right now, I don’t know. I’m struggling to know how to answer those questions. I’ve relied on outside opinions to tell me who I am for so long that I’ve lost the ability to choose that for myself. Or maybe it’s in there somewhere, but just atrophied from lack of use.

I’ve believed for so long that I was meant to be unhappy, as if it were an unspoken commandment meant only for people like me – “…but thou? Thou shalt be unhappy.” “Men are that they might have joy… unless you’re fat, then all bets are off!”

The other thing that’s hard is that I played the victim in order to avoid responsibility, when in reality, I am the only one who can be responsible for me, including being responsible for what I believe. Talk about a cruel irony! Being fat wasn’t/isn’t the problem. Being made fun of wasn’t the problem. Being told I was “worthless” wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I chose to believe it. It was MY choice. No one forced me to internalize that belief. When someone made fun of me, I could just as easily have said, “you’re wrong.” But I didn’t. I was/am far too sensitive. I want people to be happy and I’m willing to “be wrong” if it means making someone else happy to be right. But discounting myself has a cost and I’ve been paying that price my whole life.

I was so busy looking for someone else to tell me that I was okay, that I never learned how to tell myself that I’m okay. And no, Heavenly Father doesn’t help by making things easy, but He does help. And He isn’t up there, sitting His throne, waiting for me to mess up so that he can either punish me or intervene, He’s right here with me, encouraging me and doing all He can, in spite of the limitations I put on Him, to help me. Men ARE that they might have joy, but they also have to have bad days. I don’t think that scripture meant that we should only be feeling joy and if we don’t, then we’re doing something wrong. I think it just means that joy is a worthwhile endeavor – that it’s okay to live in such a way that produces joy. This world was created to hold all the good AND the bad and it was a part of the plan to experience both. Things aren’t hard for me because I’m worthless and undeserving, things are hard because I’m human and mortal. Things aren’t hard because I made some horrible mistake by being born fallible; they are hard because that’s just how it was designed. Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong. And besides, from the very beginning, help was there – promised even.

And there’s no denying that I’ve been helped. There’s no denying that I’m still here. After all the crap I’ve been through and all the times I contemplated being done with this world and my miserable existence, I’m still here. (And trust me when I say that the teasing was a walk in the park compared to some other things I’ve been through, it’s just that the other things are far too personal to share at this point!) I’m learning, I’m changing, I'm messing up sometimes and getting things right sometimes, I have good days and bad days, and so on and so forth, and isn't that what this life is really all about?

I made it!

Here's some background:

As I sat contemplating my life - what I have versus what I want versus what I think I want, etc., etc., I came to the realization that I wasn't really being honest with myself. In a renewed effort to correct my self-deception, I realized that I would have to do one of the hardest things ever - ask for help. Which also meant being really honest with myself about what I really want out of life.

Two things resulted - one, I submitted my name to an online weightloss coaching program, which is a little pricey and only takes an unspecified number of clients a couple of times per year, in the hopes that I might be accepted on their next go-round. Second result, my previous blog post (My Dirty Little Secret...) where I came shame-facedly clean.

Let me just pause a moment and say,"thank you," to all those who have contacted me and offered support. It means a lot to me that you would reach out to me and it's comforting to know that there's always somebody out there who cares and is able/willing to help. It surprised me how many people have contacted me to tell me that they seem to be able to relate. (I'm constantly amazed when someone else identifies with a struggle I'm having...) I guess we really all are in this together and all the more reason not to be afraid to reach out.

In any case, the program I submitted my name to just opened their registration today and I got a spot! So it's official - I'm in! I made it!! After getting confirmation that I had been accepted I realized just how anxious I had been to be accepted. I have a lot of faith in those who run the program and they guarantee their results 100%. Which means, as long as I follow their directions as well as I can, I'm sure to get some measure of improved health. I really can't even tell you how excited I am to be a part of this program!! I'll include a link to the website in case anyone is interested in learning more about it. It's not just a weightloss program. It's not a diet and not a temporary fix. This program is 12 months long with personalized coaching and advice.

I am so elated right now that I don't what else to say, except that I'm absolutely chuffed. (There, I had to go to the UK to even find the right words!!)

Oh, and I'm scared! But it's not fear that stems from a "fear of failure" this time - which feeling I'm extremely well acquanted with; but it's the "excitement" fear - the fear of uncertainty of the journey, but the confidence that the outcome will be worth it. Does that make sense? Because it doesn't to me; I guess that feeling is just too new.

So here's to the future and to the journey - it's gonna be great!! (Oh! And wish me luck!!)

Wellness Coaching Website:
Precision Nutrition - http://www.precisionnutrition.com/

My dirty little secret…

I’ve been debating for a long time whether or not to share my dirty little secret. I hid this part of me for most of my life, but I’ve felt the need to come clean. Perhaps it’s just the timing of the new year – with constant talk about goals and resolutions, with looking back and looking forward, etc. The last year has been filled with so many changes, and more than its share of challenges, that it’s hard to fathom what this year may bring. One thing I do know – I don’t want to spend another year hiding. So what am I hiding? What’s my dirty little secret…?

I want to lose weight.

That’s it. That’s my dirty little secret. Not what you were expecting me to say? Is that a bit of a let down? It may not seem like such a profound announcement, but in its way, that is one of the hardest things I’ve ever put in writing. Let me explain.

It’s true that I have been overweight most of my life. I can’t recall a time when I was thin, at any rate. I was teased and made fun of; I was looked down on and ridiculed. I was betrayed and hurt by friends and family. I learned at a very young age, that being fat (“different”) was bad and that I was worth less than those who were thin and attractive. I literally didn’t fit in, and the world let me know in so many ways. Under those circumstances, it would be perfectly logical for me to want to lose weight, right? So that I could fit in and feel normal.

On the surface, it wasn’t unusual for me to admit that I was on a diet. I would often remark that I knew I needed to exercise more, or be more active (sometimes I actually tried!). But all of these things were superficial and, ultimately, to please others. I knew what I SHOULD say/do – because being fat is bad/unacceptable and I SHOULD do all I can to lose weight. But deep down, I felt so bad about myself, that I secretly believed I deserved to be fat and all the bad things that went with it. So, publicly, I kept up the façade. Privately, I was dying of desperation. It is a nightmarish reality to live a life wanting something that is ultimately good, but denying yourself because you think you don’t deserve it.

I guess what it boils down to is that I’ve been too embarrassed to admit that I want to lose weight, because I’m so ashamed of being overweight. Admitting that I desperately want to lose weight is admitting how unhappy I am this way; how unhappy I’ve been for a long time. Making the admission public is also passing a point of no return. If I say this out loud, that “I want to lose weight,” then there’s no going back. People are going to ask, “how’s it going with the weight loss thing?” They’re going to EXPECT me to lose weight and what happens if I don’t? What happens if I fail miserably and don’t lose any weight? Then every time someone asks me about it, I’m going to feel like a failure. I’m only going to be reminded of how disappointed I am in myself; especially how disappointed I am in myself for making poor lifestyle choices that keep me overweight.

People are going to look down on me and I’m going to hear that little voice in the back of my head that says, “see, I knew you couldn’t do it.” Then I’m just going to go on being ashamed and disappointed. Then there’s the condescending voice that says “oh, you want to lose weight? Yeah, good luck with that. You could work out for 8 hours a day and it still wouldn’t make a dent, but if you want to put in your 30 minutes of walking, you go right ahead. Just don’t be surprised when nothing happens because it’s not nearly going to be enough…” and so on. And I haven’t really even addressed shame yet! I’m ashamed of wanting to do something selfish. I’m ashamed of putting myself first. I’m ashamed of taking care of myself physically because I think anything physical is temporary and not what the Lord wants me to focus on. (Can someone help me out with making sense of “self-care vs. putting God first,” because this is still a hard one for me?) Another barrier was the feeling that I HAD to lose weight just to be acceptable or to have any worth. Which I know now is a lie, but for most of my life, this was true. The popular kids were thin and athletic. The people who got invited to parties and had tons of friends were thin and attractive.

With all those negative connotations, is it any wonder that I haven’t wanted to verbalize just how much I want to lose weight?  (If you can relate to any of this, then maybe you can see why it was so hard for me to openly admit that I want to lose weight.)

Maybe this year isn’t really about weight loss, so much as being honest with myself.  Maybe the thing I want from 2014 is to stop living according to what I think other people think I should do or want. Or maybe it’s about finally having the humility (courage?) to admit that I need help and to actually reach out and ask for it. (I know it’s a guy thing, but asking for help is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to do…) Asking for help feels the same as admitting defeat. It’s like saying, “yep, I failed… again. I wasn’t good enough… again.” I guess that’s just pride/self-pity talking.

So I want to lose weight. And not because I think it’s what fat people are supposed to want, but because I want it for myself. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. I’m tired of daily discouragement and disappointment. I’m tired of being uncomfortable in my skin (not to mention clothing!).

Lastly, I want to apologize to all the people I COULD have asked for help. I realize that many friends I’ve had would have been more than willing to help, should I have asked for it. And to those people I say, “thanks. I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to ask for your help – I was too embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  I also hope that if someone else comes to you and asks for help that you take a minute to recognize and congratulate that person on having the courage to ask for help, because it’s not an easy thing for some of us to do. (And I hope that you feel flattered that they look up to you enough to even want to ask you for your help.)”

Even though I feel like it ripped my heart out, I feel better getting that off my chest. I really am looking forward to 2014. I have a lot of hope for this year (regardless of how much weight I lose!).

Belief in yourself, revisited

First, thank you j for your comments on my previous post. I've been thinking a lot about this and, while I can't say, "A-ha! I've found THE answer," I think I've come to enough of a conclusion to have some resolution on the matter.

What does it mean to believe in yourself? I think it means two things: 1) Believe that you are capable; 2) Believe that you are worth being helped.

The first statement is an abiding faith and trust that you have inherent abilities, talents, and gifts, given by God, to help you succeed in this life. (Perhaps we used our time in the pre-earth life developing these spiritual attributes so that they could carry us through this completely foreign physical experience...)

So many times in my life I've shied away from trying something new or I isolated myself from living life because I was afraid that if I tried I would fail and then I would be hurt, disappointed or I would have hurt/disappointed someone else. It seems I would rather live with myself having failed to try rather than having lived with failures. In any case, fear is the enemy here. Believing you are capable means you have confidence that you are equal to the task, that you have the means to succeed, and at the very least, you don't know until you try.

But what about the reality that I DO have a considerable number of "fails" under my belt? It is a fact that I have "tried" in the past and failed, which must mean that, ultimately, I'm not capable after all, right? Well, no, not really. Believing that you are capable is the impetus to try. It's the foundation necessary to initiate action. But believing you are capable is not the same thing as believing that you will succeed 100% of the time. (It's a paradox! Welcome to the Gospel!) Hence, the second statement - to believe that you are worth being helped.

The truth is, you will fail sometimes. That "sometimes" is key. What do we do when "some" situations feel beyond our capability (because they really are!)? We recognize that we need a strength greater than our own. Which is really just a logical conclusion to make, however, a wrench is thrown into the machinery when we know we need outside help, but we don't feel deserving or worthy of it. (This is me to a "T" by the way!) What it boils down to is this: the belief that you are worthless or undeserving, whether because of, or in spite of, all your sins/errors/mistakes/flaws, etc., is a lie. It's a lie. It just isn't true. You are ALWAYS deserving of help. You are ALWAYS worth it. No matter what has happened to you; no matter what you've done. The belief that you have no worth is nothing more than Satan sowing the seeds of despair. Don't let him lie to you.

It seems like a harsh, cold fact though, doesn't it? To accept that you have to fail sometimes? What's the point? The point is this - that we come to recognize our reliance on the Savior. We can't do everything alone - we weren't meant to. From the very beginning the plan we chose was a plan of partnership. We didn't just agree to Jesus being the Savior we agreed to need him as our Savior. How can we learn to be one with our Father if we can't learn to be one with our Brother? Isn't Zion unity? Isn't the promise of Exaltation and Eternal Life that Heavenly Father would share all he has with us? It is here, in this life, that we learn to partner with the Lord, that we learn to receive from him the help we all need at times. (So much I want to say about what the Lord is willing to share with us, but that will be a topic for another day!)

Yeah, I know I'm rambling on my preachy soapbox again, sorry. I just wanted to share what I think I've learned about what it means to believe in yourself because I think it's so much  more than just being about "what I'm capable of." It's about having a relationship with my Father in Heaven, my Savior, and the Spirit. The sins, mistakes, errors, wrongs, and failures I've committed aren't who I am and they won't be with me forever. Someday I will be perfect, even if only because the Savior shares his perfection with me through repentance and obedience. But in order to achieve that, I will need to spend my time here believing that I'm capable, and when I find myself in circumstances clearly beyond my capability, I'll believe that I am worth being helped and I will better know my Savior, the source of my help.

People are amazing

I had a great visit with an independent SLP (speech-language pathologist) yesterday. She gave me some great insight and feedback into concerns regarding a private practice. I'm not actually considering going into a private practice at the moment - I'll need several years of "field" experience before I would be comfortable doing that. But she was fantastic to give me some things to think about and really helpful.

I got in touch with her from a gentleman who is a rep for an Assistive Technology company, who came to speak to our class several weeks ago. I talked with him for a bit and mentioned my interests and he told me I had to talk to this lady he knew; he put me in touch with her and... fast forward to yesterday.

Then, I reached out to a friend I new in the singles ward some time ago who does Physical Therapy. In all the last few years I've had questions on some things, I never thought to ask him. I think I was afraid that he either wouldn't be willing to help, or not able to help since I don't have insurance. In any case, I finally decided to email him and ask him for some information. He said he couldn't help me... over email, but could I come down to the clinic he works at where we could talk about it more in detail? Of course I could come down! Are you kidding me? Honestly, I know it seems rediculous, but I sat stunned at his response. I was only hoping for some direction or information, but he offered to have me come see him in person - that to me is going way above and beyond and not at all what I expected.

I had to ask myself - why didn't I think of asking for his help sooner? Oh yeah... that little four-letter "F" word: FEAR.

I've been realizing that as I develop more self-confidence, which hasn't removed fear, but it has given me more courage, I am astounded at how willing people are to help - if I just ask. Sure, not everyone I ask will be able or willing to help, but how many people WILL be? I'll never know unless I have the courage to try. The fact that I've had these few people be willing to help me gives me more encouragement and makes me realize that people really do want to be helpful and people really are amazing.