Life in limbo

I didn't sleep all that well last night. I remember tossing and turning several times. Then when I did "wake up," I had the nagging beginnings of a sore throat. I didn't feel sick though - as in, no aches/pains, no headache/migraines, etc., which helped me realize that I had been pushing my luck with my diet.

Over the last few of weeks I've not really paid attention to what I was eating. And being careless has resulted in eating lots of sugar, dairy and white flour. This is like a sore-throat cocktail when I think about it. Sugar depresses the immune system and contributes to inflammation. For me, dairy increases secretions, congestion and allergies/post-nasal drip. So it's not surprising that I would feel a sore throat coming on.

I've been thinking about why I haven't cared to keep track of what I was eating. I know one reason is this terrible limbo I'm in. I'm out of school and not working. I'm living at my mom's house again (which is more psychologically depressing than anything) and just waiting for my license to come through so I can officially move/start working. I have felt so out of place and purposeless. I've been through this really difficult Master's program and now that I (against all odds!) actually feel ready to start working in my new field, I'm just sitting around not doing anything. I feel like my life is kind of meaningless right now.

It's not the first time my life has felt meaningless, but it's first time I've had high enough self-esteem to really feel like I'm good at something and can make a difference in people's lives. And yet, here I am, just sitting here - not doing that.

As I've been reflecting on it I realize that this experience has been good in that it's helped me see that I haven't really been living my life with intention. I guess I've felt that if my life were filled with things to keep me busy then I was "living," but really I've just been living to distract myself with "busy-ness," not really living, or enjoying life. This makes me wonder, what is it that I'm trying to distract myself from? It's in those moments when I don't have enough to do that I feel purposeless, which to me also feels very much like not having worth or not measuring up - in other words, I'm not "busy" doing meaningful things, so I'm failing at life. That sounds a little drastic, but the little knot I feel in my stomach as I type this tells me I might be on to something here...

Just when I think I've dealt with my issues of poor self-esteem and low self-worth, some other aspect of it creeps up in another area of my life - which only proves to me how pervasive that belief system has been and how profoundly it's impacted every area of my life. But the more erroneous belief system connections I find, the more connections I can break, alter, or at the very least weaken.

Which I guess means it's time for me to make a schedule for myself of when to sleep and when to exercise. I also need to start doing more exercise than just walking. Even though walking is excellent exercise, I need to start pushing myself a little more. I also need to start to keep a food journal. It sounds like a pain, but after all, I have the time...

Spaghetti squash

At the moment I am eating Spaghetti Squash for lunch. There are a couple of ways I like it. The first, the "noodles" lightly seasoned with salt, pepper and butter - yum!! But since I am not eating dairy and butter is out, I am having them the second way I like them, a la spaghetti sauce, homemade, of course!. (The sauce is tomato, mushrooms, onion, garlic, ground turkey, and my own special blend of seasonings!) No, the squash does NOT taste like actual spaghetti does, but that being the case, it's still pretty good. Also, it's just a great alternative to regular pasta and much, much healthier.

Incidentally, I love Everyday Foods! I used to watch this program on Saturday mornings - I don't even know if it's still on or not - and I was shocked to find out it was produced by Martha Stewart. Normally, I'm not much of a Martha Stewart fan, but I really liked this show. The recipes were fairly straightforward and "doable."I think they even have a litte magazine they put out. In any event, this was the first time I had ever seen a spaghetti squash, let alone how to bake it. It makes me wonder what other foods are out there that are rarely used?