Fat-Guy-Working-Out-At-The-Gym Troubles

I need to acknowledge something here, right up front – I’m not psychic. Surprise! Okay, just kidding, but really, I need to acknowledge that I have no idea what other people are thinking, or what motivates them, or what their intent might be. It’s important that I point this out now, because of what I want to say. So with that understood, read on…

I went to the gym tonight. When I’m not working out with my trainer, I usually go late (like, 9:30pm/10:00pm-ish) because there are fewer people there and I don’t have to wait for equipment. Which is only mostly true. The actual truth is, fewer people means fewer eyes to watch me as I awkwardly lumber through my workout like a blind walrus. (I know that’s not a thing, but the imagery really sells it, ya know?)

Anyway, there was only one other guy in the “Peak Performance” room (which is like the Crossfit part of the gym) and I’d seen him before, so that wasn’t too bad. I was getting my groove on like an Emperor and the other guy eventually left. I was about halfway through my workout at this point and loving the fact that I had the whole room to myself! Well, that didn’t last very long.

Not long after, a guy came in that I didn’t know, but I had just seen him playing volleyball with a bunch of other people on the indoor courts. He stood out to me because he was wearing a “snug,” bright green tank top and little blue volleyball shorts and “working it,” if you know what I mean. Anyway, he comes in and I did my best to ignore him. Which became increasingly hard to do because he was doing some pretty impressive stuff – twisting medicine ball lunges, speed drills, box jumps, all kinds of weird sit ups, etc. It was pretty obvious that the guy didn’t just look good, but had the goods – like, super athletic. You know what? Good for him.

Whatever.

And now I’m just annoyed.

Not only am I nowhere near his level of conditioning on my best day, I’m totally wearing out because I’m getting to the end of my work out and the stuff I’m doing is barely more movement than the Walking Dead zombies. And yes, I’m man enough to admit that I couldn’t help but steal some glances. Enough to notice that he was looking up every so often to make sure I was noticing how awesome he was. And the whole time I just kept thinking, “yes, snug-tank-top-little-blue-shorts-guy, everyone sees you; everyone can see how athletic and awesome you are; congratulations on how awesome you look and how you can out-perform me on every level; yes, we can all see how impressive you are and how amazing you are at having one foot balanced on a swiss ball, while you’re in a plank position and swinging your leg out to the side which takes an inordinate amount of strength, control and agility; okay, we get it, you’re like, super hot and amazing. Congratulations – to you.”

I was annoyed because one, I would love to have that kind of agility and conditioning – so I was totally jealous, and two, because he was totally showing off and looking up to make sure I was seeing how impressive he was. Cocky little "fitness model" bastard!!

That was about the time I had a realization.

I wasn’t reacting to him based on his behavior – I was reacting to him based on my insecurities.

It dawned on me that I have no idea whether or not he was “showing off.” Is it possible he was? Of course it’s possible! (I mean not everyone wears little blue volleyball shorts to the gym, but then again, he had actually been playing volleyball!!) Is it possible that he wasn’t showing off or that maybe he was doing that workout because that’s just the level that he’s at? Of course it’s possible! That’s my point – I don’t know.

I was jealous. It was easy for me to believe that he was looking down on me, but the reality is, I was looking down on myself. I was the one choosing to believe that he thought he was better than me when he hadn’t done or said anything to indicate that he felt that way. I was the one who was choosing to believe that he was better than me because he was more physically capable than me. I was the one making a comparison. I was the one measuring worth on outward appearances and physical attributes. It made me wonder how I would have acted toward him, had we actually interacted. It made me wonder how often I react to other people that way.

I don’t recall if this is something anyone has studied, so I’ll just make up some stats. I’m guessing, from my own experience, that roughly 80% of the time, I’m not reacting to other people’s behavior, but I’m reacting according to my perception of other people’s behavior. Maybe roughly 20% of the time I’m reacting to their actual behavior, but I don’t have any research to back that up.

Some of the take-aways for me are:
– We only see people at one point in time – I don’t know anything about this guy; maybe he’s worked really hard to get where he is and he’s not showing off, but just enjoying the fact that he’s improved himself, or he really likes challenging himself.

– We don’t really ever know what’s in someone’s head or heart and we shouldn’t treat them like we do.

– Maybe look at my jealousy as a way of identifying goals – maybe I’m jealous because I’d like to be that athletic someday too. (Or wait!! It just occurred to me - maybe I just want to look good in a snug tank top and little blue shorts too?! Hahaha!)

– Be more grateful for where I’m at and what I can do. This one’s hard for me. It’s hard to see someone else at a level that I want to be and yet be okay with where I’m at. But the truth is, I have improved. No, I’m not anywhere near where I want to be, but it is pretty cool that in nine months I’ve gone from deadlifting 35lb kettle bells to 180lbs with a bar and plates.

And lastly,
– I guess I still have some self-esteem work to do!

But I am grateful. I’m grateful that I’m in a place in my life where I can finally see how self-destructive my beliefs and habits have been and that I can see them for what they are. That’s doesn’t automatically translate into instant change, but at least it helps me see what I need to be working on and that’s half the battle right there.

Finally, and I’m sure he’ll never read this, but my apologies to snug-tank-top-little-blue-shorts guy. I’m sorry I accused you of being arrogant and condescending when I don’t know anything about you. It would actually be cool if we could be friends, then maybe I could be inspired by you instead of ostracizing myself.

Just another one of those fat-guy-working-out-at-the-gym troubles!

When learning hurts...

So I had a rough learning experience this week.

A little background to set the scene. I have been experiencing some inconsistent knee pain this last week during certain movements in workouts, like when squatting, or even just everyday activities, like going down stairs, getting in and out of my car, etc. I say inconsistent, because sometimes the pain is there and sometimes it's not - weird, I know. In any event, I met with my trainer for our weekly workout and I let him know about what's been going on. So we began the workout and he had me do some new exercises/movements to help investigate what might be causing that pain.

Pretty close to the end of our workout, and after seeing that there wasn't any one particular movement or position that made a difference - again, pretty inconsistent - he had me do some body weight squats. He showed me the form he wanted me to use and could see after just one try that I was having a hard time. So on the second attempt he stands behind me and brings his leg forward to brace my back as I squat and he instructs me to push my hips back even further. I could only go down so far before losing all strength and feeling that twinge in my knee. In order to compensate for that I leaned forward to maintain my balance, not just in the squat position, but in order to stand back up, which I did.

I realized that being overweight and carrying most of that weight in my belly has pushed my center of gravity forward, such that when I went down to a certain height, I needed to lean forward in order to maintain balance. With him telling me to move my hips backward, it completely threw off my center of gravity and I didn't have the strength to hold myself in that position without feeling like I was falling backwards.

On my third attempt, this time with him insisting that I push my hips back, and even though I felt his leg bracing me, I couldn't do it. I fell. It was only about 4-5 inches, and the physical fall didn't hurt, but what hurt was the emotional toll that short action had on me. Craig (my trainer) walked around and held out his hand to help me stand up and said, "come on, one more time." I took his hand and let him help me up. I was feeling very weak, embarrassed and ashamed of myself. He walked around behind me one more time and told me to try again. I didn't want to do it, but I did. He tells me, "Bring your hips back. I'm here, I've got you." I tried again and really focused on bringing my hips backward into the sitting position. Same result. I could only go so far before my legs completely gave out. I fell again.

"It's okay," I hear Craig's voice behind me as we walks around to face me. He holds out his hand again to help me stand up, but this time I hesitate. I didn't want to take his hand at first; I was too angry - mad at myself. I didn't even want to look at him. I was so ashamed of myself. I was mad at being so fat that I couldn't even hold myself up. I was mad at being so weak that I couldn't even complete the simplest exercise. Then I got mad at myself for everything that had happened to me in my past that led me to this humiliating moment - most especially my own bone-headed decisions. You know, the little ones that you don't think will have any consequences? "Just one little bite won't hurt (which then turns into an entire pie/cake/pizza/etc.); I had a rough week, I can have some ice cream; I'm too tired to exercise, I just really need to rest/relax;" etc.

"Come on," he beckons again. I take his hand and stand up, then bend over forward - out of breath and defeated. As he walks away, while I "recover," he says, "we can stop there for today, but lets do some foam rolling." In that moment, I'm just trying to keep my shit together. I'm flooded with emotions and feeling like a massive failure. As I get my breath back I walk to where he is with the foam roller and he goes through what he wants me to do. I've done some foam rolling before and even though I don't tell him that, I'm glad to be doing something I kind of know how to do. But my mind isn't really on it and when I finish he tells me to just relax and breathe.

But he can see on my face that I'm not okay. "Are you still thinking about what happened back there?" he asks me. "Yes," I said with my head hanging down, "I'm pretty upset about it actually." I proceed to tell him how I'm feeling about myself and that prompted a pretty frank discussion about what I can learn from this experience. I wish I had a tape recorder with me to remember all of the details, but some of the major points he made were these:

I didn't fail today.
He pointed out all of things I WAS able to do - like learn a brand new exercise while keeping great form; being better conditioned in that I could actually talk to him between sets of prowler pushes; even one of the other trainers in the gym let him know that he sees me there working out on my own; etc. He pointed out that struggling with one exercise, while showing improvement in others is still a win.

In that moment I was choosing to feel bad about myself.
(That's always a tough one to hear, but he was right.) I was choosing to focus on the one thing I "failed" at, while not acknowledging all the other things I had done well. I was the one bringing up all my past mistakes and failures and causing myself to drown in regret. Additionally, he pointed out a danger in that, when I do that, I am also projecting my fears into the future, ensuring that I won't change when my focus is only on what I've done (and by extension, will continue to do) wrong. He instructed me to do some meditations to project into my future what my vision for myself is, but then to "come back" to the present and look at what choices I can make today to help lead to that future vision. In essence - have a vision of who I want to be, but focus on today (what I can control), not on the future (what I can't control).

Life is not black and white.
Coming from a highly religious background, I tend to paint most things as black and white - either you're good or you're bad and there is no in-between. But the truth is, there is gray. Humans aren't perfect, there is some good and bad in all of us - all of us make mistakes. Sometimes we make "bad" choices; sometimes we exhibit "bad" behavior. If life were only black and white, there would be no hope for us; but life has shades of gray - that is the training ground that allows us to learn how to make better choices. You can fail at something and not BE a failure - which is a totally foreign concept to a shame-based way of thinking. There is no gray for shame-based people, but that is not how life was designed.

If you have beliefs that are hurting you, then they are garbage and need to be thrown away. YOU CAN CHOOSE NEW BELIEFS. It may sound surprising, but this one is very difficult for me to accept. Again, due to shame-based thinking, wherein labels ARE the thing itself. What I mean is, I come from a past and a way of thinking that says: "if you do something bad you ARE bad. If you make a mistake, you ARE a mistake. If you fail at something you ARE a failure. If you ARE fat then you don't fit in and you ARE unacceptable. You can't be yourself because who you ARE, at your core, is unacceptable." When these beliefs are adopted at a young age they feel permanent - as if set in stone and unalterable. In my case, I know that these beliefs were instilled by the time I was six. And when I say instilled, I mean that by this age these beliefs were so ingrained that they were automatic. I had fully accepted their reality - this is who I am. There has never, ever been a time in my life when I didn't know that I was a failure, or a mistake, from the beginning. This is my foundation. Even though it's wrong, it's the only foundation I've known, so the prospect of removing my foundation is terrifying.

But what is the result? I have built a house on my crooked foundation that has resulted in unnecessary pain, an "ugly" house that is fat and un-athletic and lives in misery and sadness. The windows only see and reflect pain, sadness, and loneliness. A house of misery. What I am going through in attempting to improve my fitness is the equivalent of trying to tear down and rebuild my house, but in the process realizing that my house was poorly constructed because the foundation was misshapen and uneven to begin with. Which means, basically, that I need to gut the foundation and start over. I need to throw away the beliefs that are hurting me and choose new ones. Insightful imagery aside, this is much harder to do than it sounds. Hmm... harder to do, but not impossible...

This is why learning hurts. It reaches to the core of who I am. It forces me to examine the beliefs, experiences and circumstances that have been a part of me, seemingly from the beginning - and many of them, as I begin to shine a light on them, are dark, disgusting and terrifying (okay, not ALL of them, there are some good things in there too!). When I see the "bad" things I regret them or feel ashamed of them and the cycle continues. But the cycle CAN be broken. Actually thy cycle MUST be broken in order to progress.

The irony is not lost on me - the only way to progress is to fail. I need failures - I need to experience failing AND STILL BEING OKAY. I need to learn that I can fall on my ass a few times and "fail" at something, i.e., discover a limitation, AND STILL BE OKAY. In order to change my beliefs it will take deciding to believe different and then experiencing believing different and that isn't going to happen overnight, because experience takes time. And that's how it's supposed to be.

So how would you finish the phrase: "When learning hurts..."?

Here's how I think I would finish it: When learning hurts, be grateful. It means that what you're learning is significant and it's helping you become what you were meant to be.

All that I have to be thankful for!

With all of the emotional turmoil I’ve been through the last few weeks, I made sure I took some time today (Happy Thanksgiving!) to do my best to put all of that aside and reflect on all that I have to be thankful for. Here’s my list:

I am thankful to be alive

I was born with inadequate oxygen and almost died at birth. My mom says I was black and blue and they had to rush me to an incubator to get me breathing. My entry into this world was traumatic and, looking back, it seems like the fear that accompanied my birth has remained with me throughout my life. Yes, I’ve been through some difficult experiences, but I made it. I survived that difficult beginning. And I’ve survived many other traumatic experiences since. I’m still here and I’m truly thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who has helped me through all of it.

I am thankful for my body

This is a tough one for me. I have very mixed feelings about my body. “Body Dissociation” is a very common symptom of people who have been sexually victimized. In essence, because my body was violated, my body became an object to be despised; something that was violated, abused and untrustworthy – a place where I was no longer safe. So I disconnected. I saw my body as something that was detestable and worthless. Consequently, I didn’t treat my body well because I didn’t see it as anything worthy of caring for. I didn’t listen to my body. I inflicted self punishments in negative self-talk, addictions of various kinds, and in general treated myself with contempt. I was trying to punish my body for being weak, for being violated. It may not make logical sense, but a six year old doesn’t have sufficient logic skills to process that kind of trauma.

Fast forward to today. I have come to realize that I can’t be healthy in an unhealthy body. I have come to realize that the shame I feel over what happened to me should really be the shame of the people who perpetrated the crime, not me. I am in the process of regaining the innocence of my inner child, who was wounded and never left that state of being. Basically, I’m learning not to be ashamed of what happened to me, because it wasn’t my fault. That also means reconnecting with my body. It means learning to listen to it and learning to treat it with respect through exercise and proper nutrition. Yes, I am in terrible shape, but that is the result of years of (self) neglect and abuse. It will take me time to challenge my old beliefs and thought patterns. It will take time to get into the shape I want to be in, but I am SO thankful that I have this opportunity to change. I am so grateful to have a body that is capable of change and improvement. I am so fortunate to have a body that can move, taste, touch, see, smell, hear and feel.

I’m thankful for my family

I seem to have a really good ability to criticize my family and point out their flaws – clearly a defensive, or “victim” mentality. But that’s not an accurate picture of who they really are. I don’t think I could adequately sum up how incredible each of them are – or what they mean to me in one post. The truth is, they have been far more patient with me and understanding than I deserve. I’ve done my share of hurtful things, for which I sincerely beg their forgiveness. Briefly, I would like to share just a few things that I love about each of them:

Mishka – the Compassionate

Mishka has a very caring heart and protective of the underdog. She cares about how others are feeling and desires to lift the burdens of others (at least until M&M’s get involved!! You know what I’m talking about Mish!! J). Too many times to count she’s offered support and encouragement and helped me feel like I’m not so alone.

Rebecca – the Noble

Rebecca has been a great supporter of mine, even when I haven’t really deserved it. She’s been a great example of perseverance and dedication – of meeting challenges head on and overcoming them with patience. She carries herself with pride and I love her resilience. I wish I were more like her in that respect. She is a great sounding board and I know her advice is always sound, well thought out and has my best interest at heart.

Mom (Tina) – the Generous

Mom is, without a doubt, one of the most generous – if not, THE most generous person I know. She is always willing to sacrifice for the benefit of others, sometimes at great cost to herself. She has a great attitude towards giving – always giving thanks to Heavenly Father for all that he has blessed her with. She is a great example of selfless giving and I know her riches in heaven will be abundant!

Dad (Bob) – the Benevolent

I really don’t know a kinder man than my dad. I can’t stress how grateful I am for his patience with me. I am eternally grateful that he did not anger easily. Even when he was angry (which was RARE!) he never raised his voice and he never acted violently. He was a peacemaker in our home and I love him for that. In my mid-twenties I had some very significant problems, for which I received some intensive treatment. He supported me through what was truly hell for me in ways I can’t begin express and any attempt I made to honor him would be woefully inadequate. He is one of my heroes.

I am thankful for adversity

This may sound ironic, after my last post. But adversity and the lessons I have learned have blessed my life immeasurably. I have developed and strengthened my testimony in ways that I would not have accomplished otherwise. I recall one time I was seeing a counselor and I had expressed dissatisfaction with the presence of a challenge in my life. She shared her opinion on the matter (she was very supportive and had only the intent of comforting me) and suggested, in loving kindness, that I accept it – even though it was contrary to my religious beliefs. In that moment I realized that the challenge had a purpose. I was able to bear my testimony to her about why I felt as I did and I know she was deeply touched by what I said. I know, historically, I have expressed hatred of my trials and how I would rather not have them. But I’ve learned something – these trials are how I will come to know the Savior. I am deeply grateful for that. Which leads me to my last item.

I am thankful for my Heavenly Father and Savior

Heavenly Father has always been the father I needed, not always the father I wanted. With my limited perspective of life, with all my lack of wisdom and lack of experience, and with my severely limited understanding – I don’t always ask for the right things and I don’t always know what’s in my best interest – but he always does. He answers “Yes” when I need to hear “Yes;” “No,” when I need to hear “No;” and He is silent when it’s in my best interest. I often confuse silence with absence and I have since learned that is not the case. Just because He is silent, doesn’t mean He isn’t there, or interested in me. I know now that He wants me to be happy, but how we obtain happiness is still a lesson I am learning. So often I think of obtaining happiness as being given what I need – when I need it – and that is SO NOT the case!! Happiness comes from strength and strength comes from being tested by adversity. There is no strength in a lack of opposition. It’s precisely the opposition that develops strength, which generates happiness.

I’ll be honest - the Savior is not someone I know well. I haven’t been as committed to Him as I could be. I haven’t made Him a priority in my life, as I could have. The reason’s are as varied as my past experiences and rooted in faulty core beliefs, feeling neglected, defensive, prideful, etc. I haven’t truly appreciated the atonement for one main reason – I never believed I was worthy of it. I was angry that he suffered and died for all men’s sins when I felt like I didn’t deserve to benefit from that gift. In essence, I had a testimony that the Savior was able to save all mankind, except me. Or, in other words, I had a testimony that He is THE Savior, just not MY Savior. That is changing, but I have a long way to go. In the meantime, I am thankful that He is so patient with me. I am humbled to know that He loves me, especially in those times when I push Him away because I don’t think I deserve His love.

So that's my (short!) list. I have so much to be thankful for! I am so glad that I took the time to look back over all my gifts and to see that, even the hard things, are helping me to become better and ultimately, helping me to be closer to my Savior and Father in Heaven and I am eternally grateful for that!

Don't feel obligated to read this post... it's long... and maybe just needed to be written, more than read...

I can't believe the year is half over (or half-full, depending on how you look at life?)!! So, yeah, half-over...

I'm kind of cynical these days and, I'll be honest, maybe a little bit depressed. My expectation for where I'd be right now is SO different from where I am.  And I mean "where" in both a literal and abstract sense. I did not expect to be single and living with my mom at the age of 35. I did not expect to be needing gas and food money at this point in my life. It's all the more difficult for having been independent for so long. Not that I'm not grateful, because I am. I wouldn't be surviving right now with out her help and I know she likes to be able to help. But there's something about being a guy that makes me feel less of a man for having to be so dependent. It's humbling and, frankly, I don't like it. I probably need it though... :)

Also, I never saw myself as being unemployed, overweight and single at this "where" in my life either. In my mind I saw myself as being much more successful regarding employment, weight loss/improved health, certainly married with a kid or two, etc. But it hasn't happened. I guess what's hard is that I only have myself to blame. If it didn't happen, it's because I didn't make it happen. I obviously made the choices that did NOT lead to the outcome I expected or wanted. Right now I'm trying to NOT beat myself up for that, but honestly... self-pity is soooo easy and comes soooo naturally to me!! I'm sure that's the bulk of my problem right there...

I wish I could live inside the mind of a really healthy person and see what it's like. What's it like to always make the right choices? What's it like to be positive all the time and be able to put a positive spin on things, even when challenges occur? I've never been the motivational-Tony Robbins-lets-go-out-and-crush-the-world kind of guy. I admire people like that. People who set their mind to something and are successful at it no matter the cost. That's not me - I'm much more passive.

Being unemployed, I've had a lot of time to think about this. What I've uncovered is a deep-seated "core" belief that it's wrong to feel good about myself. I have no idea where or when this started. I have no idea what event or events lead to this being the case, but it's very clear to me now that this belief has underscored much of my belief system as a whole and how I approach life. Essentially, I approach life as if I'm undeserving and not good enough (i.e., I don't "measure up"). It's at the heart of why I'm afraid of everything - I'm afraid that I won't be equal to whatever task is before me and even if I do achieve some measure of success, I'm afraid I don't deserve it.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, you know what would be really cool? Getting inside the mind of a really healthy person and then putting that person back into my life and see how they handle things. From the moment they wake up in my life to the moment they go to bed, what different choices would they make and why? Of course it's just a thought experiment, typical of someone who tends to over-think everything, and not really anything that can bring resolution.

I'm not sure what my self-effacing beliefs buy me. Maybe it's a sense of false-humility. You know, the idea that "I'm humble because I hate myself?" Which is NOT what humility is, and I know that now, but maybe when I was a little kid I didn't know that...

Much more likely is the sense that self-loathing is somehow penance. It's possible that it grew out of a desire to "pay for my sins." It's the idea that I deserve to be punished because I did something wrong. Quite frankly, I did a lot of things wrong and felt that I deserved to be punished and that somehow God's punishment wouldn't be enough. I had to multiply His punishment by punishing myself. I suppose some people turn to physical means of punishment, but I turned to emotional means of punishment. Phrases with hurtful labels like "I'm so stupid, I'm so ugly/fat, I'm such a moron, I'm such an idiot," etc. ran through my mind so frequently that, eventually, the feelings that accompanied those thoughts just never went away. Feeling bad about myself became normal, status quo, just... who I am.

I think it's at the heart of why I feel I have to be perfect. Being perfect is the only way to make up for all the terrible things I did when I was younger. I could NOT allow myself to mess up or make a mistake. I held myself to a higher standard because anything less meant I wasn't good enough. And isn't that the expected standard? Aren't we commanded by the Savior himself to be perfect? So that was my justification for why I was right to expect perfection and condemn (within myself) anything that wasn't. And - bonus! - because I'm human and mess-up constantly, I had plenty of opportunity to berate myself and see my faults and flaws as PROOF that I was worthless. I was supposed to be perfect, but couldn't be and because I couldn't, I was worthless. The fault was always mine. It was always there, that feeling that there was just something wrong within me. That I, or my entire being, was somehow wrong.

Hence my love of hating myself. Depression? You betcha! Suicidal thoughts? Check! Actually, I don't think anyone knows that about me, or at least, they didn't until just now. A couple of times in Junior High, High School and later years, I was pretty close to suicide. Really close, actually. Ironically, I never went through with it because I knew I would mess that up too!

You know what I just realized? Self-pity gives you an odd sense of power over other people. It allows you to make other people around you helpless. Because the problem is within me, no one else can fix it and on some level I know this. So I tell people how horrible my life is because it gives me their pity, which is a twisted form of attention, but it also justifies my depression/self-loathing. And because there's nothing anyone can do to change that, it reinforces itself - it perpetuates itself. It's just another way of feeling good about feeling bad about myself. (This is kind of a major breakthrough for me!!)

The realization is half the battle. Now that I know this I want to be able to wake up tomorrow totally different, but I know that these negative beliefs are very well ingrained. The neural pathways that underlie these connections are hard-wired at this point. But I do know that the mind is capable of changing those pathways, but that it takes time and constant, conscientious, reinforcement. I suddenly feel like I'm not up to the task. See? I'm already battling myself on these things.

This is going to take some doing. I can see that. But it is possible. I've been so busy punishing myself that I've hardly had time to acknowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and truly wants to help me. I haven't allowed the Savior to help me either, because I felt like I had to do everything on my own. It is also a self-inflicted punishment to deny the Savior's atoning sacrifice to work in my life. To refuse His grace. I need help knowing how to do that now. I need help knowing how to accept myself as a fallible human being, full of faults and flaws and knowing that I can't be perfect here, in this life, and that that's okay. Because for so long, it hasn't been.

I think I see now why I'm not "where" I wanted to be. I've been my own worst enemy. Granted, there is an adversary, pushing me to hate myself, but he never forced my hand. The poor choices I made were my own. And my thought patterns and beliefs have been working against me my entire life. I'm starting to feel like it's a miracle that I've achieved anything. That I'm even still here.

I have too many thoughts and emotions running through my mind and heart right now and all I can think is, how do I end this on a positive note?!? I realize now that what started as an update, was really something I've been needing to acknowledge for myself for awhile now. I was about to delete all of this and put it in another journal, but I've decided not to. It might be inappropriate for me to have put such personal things out there. But perhaps they had power over me precisely because I was afraid of acknowledging them. I so often retreat within myself, rather than reaching out and asking for help. This is my way of saying, "I'm not afraid anymore." And, if I'm right, I'm probably not alone in my "faulty" beliefs and if there's anyone out there who can be helped by knowing you're not alone, then it's worth it.

I have known and been loved by so many wonderful people in my lifetime. To those of you who fit that category, I'm so sorry that I was too broken to really appreciate you. I pray that from now on I can really let you in and feel like I'm worth it.

This past week...

This past week has been a good week, but also a rough one. My grandpa's funeral was nice. It was great to see family that I hadn't seen for awhile; obviously, not the best circumstances, but still, it was good to see them.

It's annoying that life doesn't stop. Work is still there; school is still there; etc. Just life in general keeps going. I know that it isn't just my grandpa's passing that's hard. My dad has been on my mind a lot too. His birthday was Wednesday and the anniversary of his death is next Friday. I still miss him, but know he is near. I feel torn between being sad for relationships that ended too soon and also being... I don't know how to describe it... maybe "all mourned out" is the best way to say it.

I think I just need to plan to take some time to get away from everything. I don't know where or when, but I think if life isn't going to stop, then maybe I need to be the one to "stop."

My step-mom shared with us a gift that she was given by a lady in HR who had helped them quite a bit when my dad first got sick. My step-mom had commented that she was sad my dad would never get his well deserved retirement party, i.e., recognition for his 20+ years working for the church. Well, this thoughtful HR lady gave my step-mom a piece of granite from the original temple building site on temple square with a plaque on it honoring my dad for his service. It was a really nice gesture and very thoughtful. I'll have to get a picture of it.

Hope is elusive sometimes isn't it? Maybe I get so used to it at times that I misplace it without realizing; then I get doubtful. But that is part of the good news of the gospel, that hope is still there just waiting for me to remember it and pick it back up again. It comforts me each time. I wrote a poem during a hopeful moment when I was struggling with my dad's illness. I know I've posted it before, but the post was a little long so I'll just copy and paste it here again. (If you want to read the longer post, you can read it here.)

I really do have a lot to be thankful for...

Gratitude

We had time to talk,

to listen,

to understand,

We had time to laugh,

to wonder,

to explore,

We had time to reach out,

to heal,

to mend,

We had time to ponder,

to remember,

to learn,

We had time to live,

We had time to love,

and, in time...

We will have eternity.

Micah James Foster

For Robert Dennis Foster

Mar. 2, 1947 – Mar. 11, 2007