Rescue

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I used to, but I think I was more caught up in the hype of experiencing a new year and wondering what the year would hold for me and thinking of all the possibilities. The truth is, I am constantly seeking the resolve to make changes, regardless of the time of year.  And when I say “changes” what I really mean is “improvements.” I want to be a better man tomorrow than I am today.

But it’s deeper than just “self-improvement” or wanting to be better; what I mean by better is to be comfortable with who I am, the way I am, in my own skin, whatever my circumstances may be. It’s wanting to be so comfortable with myself that I naturally have the energy to contribute to all the good that happens in this world and to fulfill some role that will give happiness and meaning to the lives of those I meet; to be so fully authentic within myself that I can connect with others and help them feel loved – and accepted – for who they are; to provide comfort and consolation in times of trial; to share encouragement and praise in their triumphs; to offer support and counsel if needed; ultimately, to help them feel like they are not alone.

The irony, is how difficult it has been to fill that role for myself. I think I’ve had it backwards for a long time in that I’ve truly believed that I needed others to make me feel loved; that I needed others to make me feel accepted, comforted, consoled, encouraged, praised, supported, etc. And yet, even when I’ve had those things from others, I have still felt lonely and empty. It has taken me a long time to realize that it’s because I was the cause of the emptiness.

If my proverbial self-concept bucket was empty it wasn’t because there was no one to fill it, it was because I kept dumping it out.

I won’t go into the myriad reasons why this is the case (see ANY of my previous blog posts!!), but I will admit to one thing: I have been condemning myself my whole life. Any sin I commit or weakness I encounter and I am quick to condemn myself; any act of service or love I complete and I still condemn myself, because I could have done more, because it wasn’t enough, because I wasn’t enough and so on.

Self-condemnation is a victim’s “bread and butter,” so to speak. It has a lot of payoffs. It feels like humility. It establishes my place in life – which is at the bottom – which is something I can always count on and anything you can count on is predictable, i.e., feels safe (and victims ALWAYS need safety). From a religious standpoint, it ensures God will take pity on me and mercifully free me from my trials (i.e., the consequences of my own actions!) because I’ve “suffered enough.” (Which is wildly inaccurate, but that’s victim logic for you!)

The point I’m trying to get to here is, I’ve spent my entire life condemning myself for who I am AND for who I have failed to be. While there may be many “needs” that have only served to reinforce this condition, there is one in particular I want to mention: the need to be rescued.

Coming from the framework of a victim, I am not responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me, therefore I am not responsible for the deplorable circumstances I find myself living in (e.g., fat, broke and lonely). But if I’m not responsible for my problems, then I can also bear no responsibility for solving those problems, which means the solution MUST come from outside of me. In other words, I didn’t cause my problems, therefore I’m not responsible to find the solutions. As a result, I HAVE to be rescued because I don’t have the power to rescue myself.

That idea – dare I say “dream?” – of being rescued is so powerful for me, that I think I had begun to condemn myself simply to keep the hope of “being rescued” alive. I mean, who wouldn’t want a supernatural, all-powerful being to swoop in and rescue them from a life of pain, drudgery, misery and disappointment? Rescue means relief; it means hope; it means an end to pain and suffering; it means a life of ease and rest – and all at the merciful hands of another.

While I naturally think of characters like Superman as heroes who rescue, I also think of all the substitutes we victims might use in an effort to “rescue” us from our miserable, petty lives. Maybe some of us believe we will find rescue in financial security or in material wealth; or in that one, magical, meaningful relationship; or through accomplishments which garner public praise and accolades; maybe we hope to find rescue through our vices and addictions (such as food? *cough, cough*), because they make us feel good, even if it’s temporary. I don’t know, just something to think about.

In any case, these things will NOT rescue us, because they are external to us and cannot satisfy an internal need. Which brings me back to needs. I “needed” to condemn myself in order to create the possibility of being rescued. Here’s the ironic rub – I probably wouldn’t have felt the need to be rescued if I hadn’t been condemning myself in the first place!! (explosion sound = mind blown)

While this realization kind of makes me want to tear out what hair I have left, I am also grateful. This is one more area of my life that I can “give up” being a victim. I don’t have to continue to condemn myself. It does mean I have to give up the hope of being “rescued” and honestly, that is terrifying to me because it’s all I’ve ever known, I also know that it’s just part of the process.

Perhaps it’s just coincidence that it happens to be a New Year, but I resolve to no longer condemn myself for being me and I resolve to no longer condemn myself for not yet being the man I hope to be, because I am in the process of change and that takes consistent effort over time.

To whomever may be reading this – I do wish you a happy New Year! Whether you make New Year’s resolutions, or reflections, or are just always seeking improvement, I hope you obtain your goals because you have the power within you to change and you are most definitely worth it!

My dirty little secret…

I’ve been debating for a long time whether or not to share my dirty little secret. I hid this part of me for most of my life, but I’ve felt the need to come clean. Perhaps it’s just the timing of the new year – with constant talk about goals and resolutions, with looking back and looking forward, etc. The last year has been filled with so many changes, and more than its share of challenges, that it’s hard to fathom what this year may bring. One thing I do know – I don’t want to spend another year hiding. So what am I hiding? What’s my dirty little secret…?

I want to lose weight.

That’s it. That’s my dirty little secret. Not what you were expecting me to say? Is that a bit of a let down? It may not seem like such a profound announcement, but in its way, that is one of the hardest things I’ve ever put in writing. Let me explain.

It’s true that I have been overweight most of my life. I can’t recall a time when I was thin, at any rate. I was teased and made fun of; I was looked down on and ridiculed. I was betrayed and hurt by friends and family. I learned at a very young age, that being fat (“different”) was bad and that I was worth less than those who were thin and attractive. I literally didn’t fit in, and the world let me know in so many ways. Under those circumstances, it would be perfectly logical for me to want to lose weight, right? So that I could fit in and feel normal.

On the surface, it wasn’t unusual for me to admit that I was on a diet. I would often remark that I knew I needed to exercise more, or be more active (sometimes I actually tried!). But all of these things were superficial and, ultimately, to please others. I knew what I SHOULD say/do – because being fat is bad/unacceptable and I SHOULD do all I can to lose weight. But deep down, I felt so bad about myself, that I secretly believed I deserved to be fat and all the bad things that went with it. So, publicly, I kept up the façade. Privately, I was dying of desperation. It is a nightmarish reality to live a life wanting something that is ultimately good, but denying yourself because you think you don’t deserve it.

I guess what it boils down to is that I’ve been too embarrassed to admit that I want to lose weight, because I’m so ashamed of being overweight. Admitting that I desperately want to lose weight is admitting how unhappy I am this way; how unhappy I’ve been for a long time. Making the admission public is also passing a point of no return. If I say this out loud, that “I want to lose weight,” then there’s no going back. People are going to ask, “how’s it going with the weight loss thing?” They’re going to EXPECT me to lose weight and what happens if I don’t? What happens if I fail miserably and don’t lose any weight? Then every time someone asks me about it, I’m going to feel like a failure. I’m only going to be reminded of how disappointed I am in myself; especially how disappointed I am in myself for making poor lifestyle choices that keep me overweight.

People are going to look down on me and I’m going to hear that little voice in the back of my head that says, “see, I knew you couldn’t do it.” Then I’m just going to go on being ashamed and disappointed. Then there’s the condescending voice that says “oh, you want to lose weight? Yeah, good luck with that. You could work out for 8 hours a day and it still wouldn’t make a dent, but if you want to put in your 30 minutes of walking, you go right ahead. Just don’t be surprised when nothing happens because it’s not nearly going to be enough…” and so on. And I haven’t really even addressed shame yet! I’m ashamed of wanting to do something selfish. I’m ashamed of putting myself first. I’m ashamed of taking care of myself physically because I think anything physical is temporary and not what the Lord wants me to focus on. (Can someone help me out with making sense of “self-care vs. putting God first,” because this is still a hard one for me?) Another barrier was the feeling that I HAD to lose weight just to be acceptable or to have any worth. Which I know now is a lie, but for most of my life, this was true. The popular kids were thin and athletic. The people who got invited to parties and had tons of friends were thin and attractive.

With all those negative connotations, is it any wonder that I haven’t wanted to verbalize just how much I want to lose weight?  (If you can relate to any of this, then maybe you can see why it was so hard for me to openly admit that I want to lose weight.)

Maybe this year isn’t really about weight loss, so much as being honest with myself.  Maybe the thing I want from 2014 is to stop living according to what I think other people think I should do or want. Or maybe it’s about finally having the humility (courage?) to admit that I need help and to actually reach out and ask for it. (I know it’s a guy thing, but asking for help is quite possibly the hardest thing for me to do…) Asking for help feels the same as admitting defeat. It’s like saying, “yep, I failed… again. I wasn’t good enough… again.” I guess that’s just pride/self-pity talking.

So I want to lose weight. And not because I think it’s what fat people are supposed to want, but because I want it for myself. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. I’m tired of daily discouragement and disappointment. I’m tired of being uncomfortable in my skin (not to mention clothing!).

Lastly, I want to apologize to all the people I COULD have asked for help. I realize that many friends I’ve had would have been more than willing to help, should I have asked for it. And to those people I say, “thanks. I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to ask for your help – I was too embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  I also hope that if someone else comes to you and asks for help that you take a minute to recognize and congratulate that person on having the courage to ask for help, because it’s not an easy thing for some of us to do. (And I hope that you feel flattered that they look up to you enough to even want to ask you for your help.)”

Even though I feel like it ripped my heart out, I feel better getting that off my chest. I really am looking forward to 2014. I have a lot of hope for this year (regardless of how much weight I lose!).

Singing and resolutions

I've been contemplating taking voice lessons for a while now. Actually, I've always wanted to, but never seemed to have the time or the money. But I think I've decided, like most self-improvement related matters, they don't just happen on their own. And if not now, when? Well, apparently I was a few months too late. I was "roped" into singing in church for our Christmas program. It wasn't a big deal - just one verse of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day", but still, I lack a lot of confidence when it comes to singing in public. I was so nervous - my heart was racing; but it all went down okay and I feel like I did well enough not to worry about it anymore. It was also very good motivation to really get serious about taking voice lessons. I think I like singing enough that I would probably actually volunteer sometimes... maybe.

Different topic: New Year's Resolutions. I don't actually believe in them anymore. I've decided that what I do believe in are Resolutions to make a New Year. What I mean is, that it doesn't matter what time of year it is, if you have something in your life you want to change, make a resolution to change it. It doesn't have to be January 1st. What do February 10th, July 16th, and October 2nd all have in common? Nothing. But they work just as good as January 1 for deciding to make a change. Just make sure your resolution to change is the result of self-acceptance, not a feeling of being deficient in some way! (See previous post.)