The "meaning" in change

Following my training session on Friday I had a talk with my trainer, Kathryn. I was asking her about something she had posted on her FaceBook page regarding self-acceptance. I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something to the effect that building a skill, then acknowledging the effort and what you learn from that experience helps increase self-confidence, i.e., self-acceptance.

I remember reading that and thinking, “That’s exactly what I struggle with!” (Well, okay, to be honest, it’s ONE thing I struggle with on a list of many, but I digress…) I struggle with acknowledging effort. For example: I’ve been going to the gym 2-3 times a week for 5 months (give or take a week). For me, that is astounding! And yet, I don’t feel “good” about that because even with all that effort, I’m still not where I want to be. I look in the mirror and I’m still that 300lb hippo that is disgusting, gross and never going to amount to anything.

In my mind I see the “end” goal of what I want – to be that healthy, thin, athletic version of myself – but where I am right now is sooooo far from where I want to be that I feel like I’m never going to make it.

Here’s another example: In the last 5 months I’ve lost about 15 pounds. Which should be great, right? But it’s not. 15 pounds is nothing when you need to lose 100! Additionally, because I have so much to lose, I don’t see any difference when I look in the mirror. I may be down 15 pounds, but I don’t look like it – I don’t see the results and that is so discouraging. Yes, I know that losing any weight is better than even just maintaining, and certainly better than gaining, but knowing that doesn’t help me in the moment because I’m just so frustrated at not being where I want to be.

This sounds a lot like the “I’ll be happy when…” syndrome, doesn’t it? (I don’t even know if it has an official name – If it doesn’t, it should!) But what I’m describing goes much, much deeper than happiness. I'm not saying “I’ll be happy when I’m thin and athletic.” What I’m really saying is, “I’ll be acceptable when I’m thin and athletic!” That is a reflection of my very identity, of my beliefs, of my past traumas, of my thoughts – everything!

I don’t know how to express that this is so much more significant than just happiness! Acceptance is huge! Every single day there are people who “fall in with the wrong crowd,” even when that includes criminal behavior, because they are accepted by them. This is why so many people turn to plastic surgery, because they think they need it to be acceptable. Every day, people who don’t feel like they are acceptable, turn to drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling and any other kind of addiction, because it takes away the pain of not being acceptable, of not being good enough, of not measuring up. Every day, people commit suicide – because they don’t fit in, because they aren’t acceptable and because they don’t see any other way out of that worthless condition. I know what that feels like.

I see it every time I look in the mirror. I am unacceptable this way. That’s what I see. I don’t want to be thin and healthy because I want to be thin and healthy. I want to be thin and healthy because I won’t be acceptable until I am… It becomes a matter of life or death. I can’t enjoy the journey, because the journey doesn’t matter – only the outcome matters. I can’t acknowledge the effort – or celebrate the wins – because unless the effort results in being thin, healthy and athletic then it doesn’t mean anything or won’t mean anything until that far off day arrives.

So no, I can’t acknowledge my effort in going to the gym more consistently than ever before. No, I can’t feel good about the increased conditioning I have experienced in greater work capacity and shorter rest times. No, I can’t celebrate losing 15 pounds in 5 months; because even with all that – I’m still fat. Still fat, gross and disgusting. Morbidly obese, according to the medical establishment.

And I hate that I know that that’s wrong!! I hate it when what I know and what I feel aren’t congruent!! (Welcome to the life of an INFJ, I guess…) I KNOW I should be celebrating every win – no matter how small. But all of this hinges on acceptance. Or, more accurately, how I define what I think “being acceptable” means.

[I really need to credit Ryan Holiday’s book “The Obstacle Is the Way” for what I’m about to share. Much of what I have been pondering stemmed from principles he outlines in his book – and I’ve only read the first two chapters!]

I look at my life – everything I’ve been through – and I see over and over, time and time again, that everything points to being unacceptable. Every occasion of neglect, every critical word or look, every insult or joke about my weight, the fact that I wasn’t protected from being sexually traumatized, etc, all of it – was purely because I was unacceptable.

Or was it?

In the last couple of weeks I have begun to realize this truth: It was not the events that proved I was unacceptable – it was the meaning I attached to the events that led me to believe I was unacceptable. (Please re-read that sentence a few times until you really “get it.”) In my young, innocent mind the only explanation that I could come up with, that consistently explained why these horrible things had happened to me was that there was something wrong with me – that at my core, I was unacceptable. This also took the form of being unworthy, undeserving, etc. But in each case, I was the one that ascribed that meaning to those events. It was my perception, my interpretation, my definition, whatever word you want to use, that formed my belief system regarding those events. That’s what we do, as people, as human beings, we try to make sense of things, right? We categorize things, we label things, we need names for everything, because we are constantly seeking meaning.

So what happens when you misinterpret something? What happens when you attach the wrong meaning to an event or circumstance? Well, you behave accordingly. You create an internal rule, or a belief filter, and everything that happens in your life gets viewed through that (warped?) filter. You then misinterpret other events and circumstances – especially, the behavior of others.

Think about it. You’re driving down the road and someone cuts you off. That’s the circumstance, but how you react to it, has very little to do with the actual event and significantly more to do with your interpretation of that event. If you decide that the other driver is a jerk, you get mad and yell and feel wronged. If you decide that the other driver is maybe having a personal emergency, say they’re on their way to the hospital where a loved one is seriously injured, you forgive them, you may even feel compassion for them and hope that they make it safely wherever their going. Totally different reactions, right? Why? Not because of the circumstance itself, but because of the meaning you give the circumstance. That’s it.

I look in the mirror and see an unacceptable guy, because that’s the meaning I gave to the circumstances of my life. Yes, I probably could blame others and be somewhat justified. I could blame all the strangers who have avoided me, or looked down on me with contempt, or pointed at me and laughed, or insulted me verbally for no reason. I could blame those neighbors whose perverted behavior damaged me psychologically and emotionally. I could blame all the friends in my life who turned their backs on me because I was too fat and ugly to fit in. I could blame my parents for the times they neglected and/or criticized me. I could blame God for knowing all that I would experience and not doing anything to stop it.

But would that blame do anything productive? It might make me feel justified in my innocence. It might make me feel like I’m the victim and therefore bear no responsibility for how sucky my life turned out. But unfortunately, blame also keeps me stuck. It keeps me revolving around things that I can’t do anything about. It keeps me stuck in the past. Ultimately, blame leaves me powerless because in order to blame others I have to give up the power to act for myself. I am left in a position where I can only react, which means I’m forever focused on what I can’t control.

That’s quite the dysfunctional box to be in! Is there a way out? Yes!! Thank God there is a way out! God has given us moral agency – meaning the ability to make choices, which means: even when I can’t change the circumstances of my life, I CAN CHANGE WHAT THEY MEAN!!

I can choose to decide that the meaning behind my friends’ rejection was more about their insecurity in those moments. I can choose to decide that my parents’ mistreatment of me had to do with carelessness or lack of awareness of their own behavior, or maybe they were just having some bad days, etc. In any case I can choose to believe that their mistreatment was more about what was going on inside of them, than what they thought of me. I can choose to believe that the reason my neighbors hurt me, wasn’t about me at all – it was about how broken and hurt they were and the horrible, dysfunctional way that they were trying to find comfort/safety.

But what about the really tough stuff? What about what I see in the mirror?

I guess I could continue to choose to believe that the guy I see in the mirror is fat, ugly, gross and worthless. Or… maybe I could choose to believe that he just got a little lost for a while. Maybe I could choose to believe that he found it kinder to blame himself than others. That maybe he felt so much charity for others that, when faced with only two (perceived) options, he chose to sacrifice himself instead of finding fault with everyone else. Maybe I can choose to believe that here is a guy who was always worthy of being loved, of being treated with respect; who was always deserving of his father’s time and his mother’s approval – whether he felt he got it or not. I can choose to believe that this guy is worth improving by losing weight and being healthy, not because he HAS to be in order to be acceptable, but maybe because he already IS acceptable and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve himself. It's okay to celebrate the wins. It's okay to dig in and enjoy the journey, because when it comes to self-improvement, there is no "end" to that process. It is not a journey of "destinations," it is a journey of milestones. When we reach one milestone, we aren't "done!" We set out for another, then another, and another....

We can’t always change our circumstances and I suppose that can make us feel powerless. But we can always choose to find - or change - the meaning in our circumstances and in that, there is great power.

Filling needs

My whole life I thought my needs could only be filled by my parents. But what if I have a room in my soul where all of my needs can be met? But I never use it because I think it can’t come from me; I think it has to come from my parents. I never think to look inside because I don’t believe I have it within me to fill those needs because I don’t believe in myself… that’s a vicious cycle.

It makes sense that if you think you’re worthless you’re not going to look inside to find a way to meet your needs – you don’t think you’re capable. What if you just decide to tell yourself that you are? It means disconnection from parents and that disconnection feels like death. What if you just tell yourself that it’s time to die? Maybe it’s time for the “worthless” you to die, so that the worthful you can finally live?

Anniversary and I quit!

Today is my dad's Birthday.  I feel bad that I didn't remember until this morning when I woke up. This time of year is hard because my thoughts turn to my dad and our relationship, which was good, then rocky, then good again. Next week, the 11th to be exact, will be the anniversary of his passing (7 years ago!).  It's always a hard time of year - my thoughts and moods are like a pendulum as I swing from things I miss (and things I will miss in the future), to gratitude for the time we had.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

The fact that I hadn't remembered my dad's birthday is only a reflection of how difficult things have been for me recently. Mostly internal struggles about what I want out of life and what I think I'm worth having. I've never been good about putting my needs first - it feels selfish and prideful. But little by litte I'm discovering that a rusty, broken tool is useless. A tool needs to be maintained in order to work effectively. I can't be a benefit to those around me if I'm broken and rusty. I have not been healthy, maybe ever, but certainly more recently. I have found a great career that is service-oriented, but at the expense of my health.

So I've done something either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid - and submitted my resignation. I've given 60 days notice so I will be done by the end of April. I will meet the requirements to garner my national certification, which is a milestone I would greatly regret missing. But after that...? I have no back-up plan. I don't even know that I want to continue with Speech-Language Pathology.

I am terrified. I believe I've done the right thing, but I don't know if I have. I worry that I'm being irresponsible, or that I'm making a rash decision, but ultimately, I don't think so. I hope that what I've done is an expression of faith. Faith in myself that it's time to give myself a chance to be healthy, faith that I'm worth it, and faith that I have a loving Father in Heaven who will support me in my decision and will provide for my needs, as well as my health and happiness. Ultimately, I hope that in so doing I will find that I am well enough to be of service to Him.

Belief in yourself, revisited

First, thank you j for your comments on my previous post. I've been thinking a lot about this and, while I can't say, "A-ha! I've found THE answer," I think I've come to enough of a conclusion to have some resolution on the matter.

What does it mean to believe in yourself? I think it means two things: 1) Believe that you are capable; 2) Believe that you are worth being helped.

The first statement is an abiding faith and trust that you have inherent abilities, talents, and gifts, given by God, to help you succeed in this life. (Perhaps we used our time in the pre-earth life developing these spiritual attributes so that they could carry us through this completely foreign physical experience...)

So many times in my life I've shied away from trying something new or I isolated myself from living life because I was afraid that if I tried I would fail and then I would be hurt, disappointed or I would have hurt/disappointed someone else. It seems I would rather live with myself having failed to try rather than having lived with failures. In any case, fear is the enemy here. Believing you are capable means you have confidence that you are equal to the task, that you have the means to succeed, and at the very least, you don't know until you try.

But what about the reality that I DO have a considerable number of "fails" under my belt? It is a fact that I have "tried" in the past and failed, which must mean that, ultimately, I'm not capable after all, right? Well, no, not really. Believing that you are capable is the impetus to try. It's the foundation necessary to initiate action. But believing you are capable is not the same thing as believing that you will succeed 100% of the time. (It's a paradox! Welcome to the Gospel!) Hence, the second statement - to believe that you are worth being helped.

The truth is, you will fail sometimes. That "sometimes" is key. What do we do when "some" situations feel beyond our capability (because they really are!)? We recognize that we need a strength greater than our own. Which is really just a logical conclusion to make, however, a wrench is thrown into the machinery when we know we need outside help, but we don't feel deserving or worthy of it. (This is me to a "T" by the way!) What it boils down to is this: the belief that you are worthless or undeserving, whether because of, or in spite of, all your sins/errors/mistakes/flaws, etc., is a lie. It's a lie. It just isn't true. You are ALWAYS deserving of help. You are ALWAYS worth it. No matter what has happened to you; no matter what you've done. The belief that you have no worth is nothing more than Satan sowing the seeds of despair. Don't let him lie to you.

It seems like a harsh, cold fact though, doesn't it? To accept that you have to fail sometimes? What's the point? The point is this - that we come to recognize our reliance on the Savior. We can't do everything alone - we weren't meant to. From the very beginning the plan we chose was a plan of partnership. We didn't just agree to Jesus being the Savior we agreed to need him as our Savior. How can we learn to be one with our Father if we can't learn to be one with our Brother? Isn't Zion unity? Isn't the promise of Exaltation and Eternal Life that Heavenly Father would share all he has with us? It is here, in this life, that we learn to partner with the Lord, that we learn to receive from him the help we all need at times. (So much I want to say about what the Lord is willing to share with us, but that will be a topic for another day!)

Yeah, I know I'm rambling on my preachy soapbox again, sorry. I just wanted to share what I think I've learned about what it means to believe in yourself because I think it's so much  more than just being about "what I'm capable of." It's about having a relationship with my Father in Heaven, my Savior, and the Spirit. The sins, mistakes, errors, wrongs, and failures I've committed aren't who I am and they won't be with me forever. Someday I will be perfect, even if only because the Savior shares his perfection with me through repentance and obedience. But in order to achieve that, I will need to spend my time here believing that I'm capable, and when I find myself in circumstances clearly beyond my capability, I'll believe that I am worth being helped and I will better know my Savior, the source of my help.