You look so good!

I’ve been thinking a lot about the response I got to a picture I posted on FaceBook recently (the picture below). It's a photo of a group of people I was with at a survival course. I am standing in front, so you can see all of me. That photo in particular received some comments about how good I looked. I was surprised, actually, by the number of comments (I mean, it was only 5 or 6, but still…). My weightloss journey has always been aimed at losing about 130 pounds, give or take. At the point the photo was taken I had lost about 70 pounds total, or roughly half of my goal.

The thing is, I think I look the same, mostly. The program I’m on has me taking progress pictures and I have to admit that I do see changes in fatloss, but I also feel like I’m losing it so uniformly, that instead of looking like I’m “reshaping” my body, I think I look like I’m just… deflating; smaller, yes, but the same proportions. Maybe I’m splitting hairs, because fatloss is fatloss and I’m happy to be losing fat period, but my point is how I see myself hasn’t changed all that much.

Well, okay, wait, that’s not entirely true. Actually, the way I see myself HAS changed – enough that I’m writing this blog post, in fact. Maybe I need to make a distinction: the way I see myself physically in the mirror hasn’t changed all the much, but the way I see myself as a person, has changed.

I’ve always had a lot of reasons why I wanted to lose fat. Among them, I’m a little embarrassed to admit, is wanting praise or recognition. I’ve seen so many “transformations” on TV, in magazines, on social media, etc. and those people get tons of attention (and praise) for their accomplishment of losing fat – and I think it’s mostly well deserved praise. But I wanted that too. I wanted to lose fat and have everyone make a big deal about me as well. I’ve even seen motivational posters that say, “Do it for the ‘holy $#!@, you got hot!’” reaction.

Which deep down, I’ve always known is a pretty shallow reason for wanting to lose fat. I mean, yes, we make a big deal about those people, but where are they now? We don’t keep making a big deal out of those individuals, it’s kind of a “hey, cheers, you did great work,” then move on to the next inspirational success story. I’m not suggesting that I think that that motivation is wrong, so much as, I recognize that it’s superficial and somewhat fleeting.

Still, that is something that’s always been a desire of mine and part of what has motivated me to lose fat; until recently. The strange thing about losing fat – for me anyway – is that it has changed (and is changing) my perspective on everything – life, others, myself, what I want for myself, what I want out of life, I mean, all of it. There came a point when I realized that no amount of praise was ever going to be a true measure of success, nor be an accurate measure of my worth. Basically what I was telling myself was that I was worthless because I was fat, but once I lost all the fat, got “hot” and then got all the praise, then it would be okay for me to feel good about myself. The external praise for losing weight was going to be the marker of success and worth. Which, I hope you can infer by now, is not the case, nor should it ever be!

I have learned that I have worth independent of what I look like or what comprises my body composition. I have learned that no amount of losing fat, gaining muscle or praise will ever determine what I’m worth, because my worth is not dependent on that. My worth is inherent to my existence, to just being alive, to being here – to being a creation and son of God.

I’ve always had worth; I just couldn’t see it. I thought my worth was buried under pounds of fat and that I had to lose the fat in order to discover my worth. (In a weird way that totally contradicts my point, that’s actually kind of what happened.) Only I didn’t “find” my worth, I simply understood that I have always had it.

So maybe you can now imagine why it was so jarring to hear people comment on how good I looked. I’m actually getting some of the praise I thought I always wanted; only to realize that I’ve changed. My reasons for why I’m losing weight have changed. My need for praise or recognition has changed, dramatically (which is actually tied to another blog post I’m still working on – stay tuned). It’s also strange because for me, I’m only halfway through my journey. It’s almost as if I want to tell everyone, “wait, hold on, save your compliments, because I’m not quite where I want to be yet – wait until I’ve lost the rest of it, then you can compliment away!”

It’s also weird to receive those compliments, because, damn, if it isn’t nice to hear! (and I kind of hate admitting that). When I posted that photo I wasn’t expecting any praise at all. (The whole point was actually just that I did something really hard/challenging and came away with a sense of accomplishment.) But then a few people commented on how I’ve slimmed down and it was surprising to me to have that pointed out. Though, admittedly, I have worked SO hard (throw in joke about literally working my ass off!!). It’s been an emotional roller-coaster; nothing about this process has been steady or controlled, and yet, I’ve persisted, and that persistence is paying off. (To say nothing of how wonderful my coach/trainer/friend, Michael, has been; I can’t imagine how trying I must be as a client!)

So while I’m not seeing much “physical change,” (as I mentioned above, I still have the same proportions) I am seeing more identity change – or how I see who I am, not just what I look like. I may still be a big guy, but, ironically, being fat is just a small part of who I am.

I’m here at the end of my post and I’m not quite sure what I want the “take home” message to be. I don’t want to discourage people from complimenting me (because, hey, I’m human and I have worked hard and the recognition does feel nice!), but I also want people to know that worth isn’t about what we look like – it’s about who we are and even though we may change as people, our worth never will – it can’t.

Maybe it’s more accurate to say that it isn’t the fatloss that taught me this, but the journey to achieving fatloss. Don’t change your body because you think it will make you worth more, but change your body because of what you will learn about yourself in the process of doing so. Do it because of what you’re worth, not because it will make you worth more. Does that make sense?

Lastly, a heartfelt thanks for those that did complement me – after all, no one had to say anything at all, but they did – and I thank you for it! Even though I no longer feel I “need” it; it means the world to me to know that I am supported in this journey – thank you.

The "meaning" in change

Following my training session on Friday I had a talk with my trainer, Kathryn. I was asking her about something she had posted on her FaceBook page regarding self-acceptance. I’m paraphrasing here, but it was something to the effect that building a skill, then acknowledging the effort and what you learn from that experience helps increase self-confidence, i.e., self-acceptance.

I remember reading that and thinking, “That’s exactly what I struggle with!” (Well, okay, to be honest, it’s ONE thing I struggle with on a list of many, but I digress…) I struggle with acknowledging effort. For example: I’ve been going to the gym 2-3 times a week for 5 months (give or take a week). For me, that is astounding! And yet, I don’t feel “good” about that because even with all that effort, I’m still not where I want to be. I look in the mirror and I’m still that 300lb hippo that is disgusting, gross and never going to amount to anything.

In my mind I see the “end” goal of what I want – to be that healthy, thin, athletic version of myself – but where I am right now is sooooo far from where I want to be that I feel like I’m never going to make it.

Here’s another example: In the last 5 months I’ve lost about 15 pounds. Which should be great, right? But it’s not. 15 pounds is nothing when you need to lose 100! Additionally, because I have so much to lose, I don’t see any difference when I look in the mirror. I may be down 15 pounds, but I don’t look like it – I don’t see the results and that is so discouraging. Yes, I know that losing any weight is better than even just maintaining, and certainly better than gaining, but knowing that doesn’t help me in the moment because I’m just so frustrated at not being where I want to be.

This sounds a lot like the “I’ll be happy when…” syndrome, doesn’t it? (I don’t even know if it has an official name – If it doesn’t, it should!) But what I’m describing goes much, much deeper than happiness. I'm not saying “I’ll be happy when I’m thin and athletic.” What I’m really saying is, “I’ll be acceptable when I’m thin and athletic!” That is a reflection of my very identity, of my beliefs, of my past traumas, of my thoughts – everything!

I don’t know how to express that this is so much more significant than just happiness! Acceptance is huge! Every single day there are people who “fall in with the wrong crowd,” even when that includes criminal behavior, because they are accepted by them. This is why so many people turn to plastic surgery, because they think they need it to be acceptable. Every day, people who don’t feel like they are acceptable, turn to drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling and any other kind of addiction, because it takes away the pain of not being acceptable, of not being good enough, of not measuring up. Every day, people commit suicide – because they don’t fit in, because they aren’t acceptable and because they don’t see any other way out of that worthless condition. I know what that feels like.

I see it every time I look in the mirror. I am unacceptable this way. That’s what I see. I don’t want to be thin and healthy because I want to be thin and healthy. I want to be thin and healthy because I won’t be acceptable until I am… It becomes a matter of life or death. I can’t enjoy the journey, because the journey doesn’t matter – only the outcome matters. I can’t acknowledge the effort – or celebrate the wins – because unless the effort results in being thin, healthy and athletic then it doesn’t mean anything or won’t mean anything until that far off day arrives.

So no, I can’t acknowledge my effort in going to the gym more consistently than ever before. No, I can’t feel good about the increased conditioning I have experienced in greater work capacity and shorter rest times. No, I can’t celebrate losing 15 pounds in 5 months; because even with all that – I’m still fat. Still fat, gross and disgusting. Morbidly obese, according to the medical establishment.

And I hate that I know that that’s wrong!! I hate it when what I know and what I feel aren’t congruent!! (Welcome to the life of an INFJ, I guess…) I KNOW I should be celebrating every win – no matter how small. But all of this hinges on acceptance. Or, more accurately, how I define what I think “being acceptable” means.

[I really need to credit Ryan Holiday’s book “The Obstacle Is the Way” for what I’m about to share. Much of what I have been pondering stemmed from principles he outlines in his book – and I’ve only read the first two chapters!]

I look at my life – everything I’ve been through – and I see over and over, time and time again, that everything points to being unacceptable. Every occasion of neglect, every critical word or look, every insult or joke about my weight, the fact that I wasn’t protected from being sexually traumatized, etc, all of it – was purely because I was unacceptable.

Or was it?

In the last couple of weeks I have begun to realize this truth: It was not the events that proved I was unacceptable – it was the meaning I attached to the events that led me to believe I was unacceptable. (Please re-read that sentence a few times until you really “get it.”) In my young, innocent mind the only explanation that I could come up with, that consistently explained why these horrible things had happened to me was that there was something wrong with me – that at my core, I was unacceptable. This also took the form of being unworthy, undeserving, etc. But in each case, I was the one that ascribed that meaning to those events. It was my perception, my interpretation, my definition, whatever word you want to use, that formed my belief system regarding those events. That’s what we do, as people, as human beings, we try to make sense of things, right? We categorize things, we label things, we need names for everything, because we are constantly seeking meaning.

So what happens when you misinterpret something? What happens when you attach the wrong meaning to an event or circumstance? Well, you behave accordingly. You create an internal rule, or a belief filter, and everything that happens in your life gets viewed through that (warped?) filter. You then misinterpret other events and circumstances – especially, the behavior of others.

Think about it. You’re driving down the road and someone cuts you off. That’s the circumstance, but how you react to it, has very little to do with the actual event and significantly more to do with your interpretation of that event. If you decide that the other driver is a jerk, you get mad and yell and feel wronged. If you decide that the other driver is maybe having a personal emergency, say they’re on their way to the hospital where a loved one is seriously injured, you forgive them, you may even feel compassion for them and hope that they make it safely wherever their going. Totally different reactions, right? Why? Not because of the circumstance itself, but because of the meaning you give the circumstance. That’s it.

I look in the mirror and see an unacceptable guy, because that’s the meaning I gave to the circumstances of my life. Yes, I probably could blame others and be somewhat justified. I could blame all the strangers who have avoided me, or looked down on me with contempt, or pointed at me and laughed, or insulted me verbally for no reason. I could blame those neighbors whose perverted behavior damaged me psychologically and emotionally. I could blame all the friends in my life who turned their backs on me because I was too fat and ugly to fit in. I could blame my parents for the times they neglected and/or criticized me. I could blame God for knowing all that I would experience and not doing anything to stop it.

But would that blame do anything productive? It might make me feel justified in my innocence. It might make me feel like I’m the victim and therefore bear no responsibility for how sucky my life turned out. But unfortunately, blame also keeps me stuck. It keeps me revolving around things that I can’t do anything about. It keeps me stuck in the past. Ultimately, blame leaves me powerless because in order to blame others I have to give up the power to act for myself. I am left in a position where I can only react, which means I’m forever focused on what I can’t control.

That’s quite the dysfunctional box to be in! Is there a way out? Yes!! Thank God there is a way out! God has given us moral agency – meaning the ability to make choices, which means: even when I can’t change the circumstances of my life, I CAN CHANGE WHAT THEY MEAN!!

I can choose to decide that the meaning behind my friends’ rejection was more about their insecurity in those moments. I can choose to decide that my parents’ mistreatment of me had to do with carelessness or lack of awareness of their own behavior, or maybe they were just having some bad days, etc. In any case I can choose to believe that their mistreatment was more about what was going on inside of them, than what they thought of me. I can choose to believe that the reason my neighbors hurt me, wasn’t about me at all – it was about how broken and hurt they were and the horrible, dysfunctional way that they were trying to find comfort/safety.

But what about the really tough stuff? What about what I see in the mirror?

I guess I could continue to choose to believe that the guy I see in the mirror is fat, ugly, gross and worthless. Or… maybe I could choose to believe that he just got a little lost for a while. Maybe I could choose to believe that he found it kinder to blame himself than others. That maybe he felt so much charity for others that, when faced with only two (perceived) options, he chose to sacrifice himself instead of finding fault with everyone else. Maybe I can choose to believe that here is a guy who was always worthy of being loved, of being treated with respect; who was always deserving of his father’s time and his mother’s approval – whether he felt he got it or not. I can choose to believe that this guy is worth improving by losing weight and being healthy, not because he HAS to be in order to be acceptable, but maybe because he already IS acceptable and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve himself. It's okay to celebrate the wins. It's okay to dig in and enjoy the journey, because when it comes to self-improvement, there is no "end" to that process. It is not a journey of "destinations," it is a journey of milestones. When we reach one milestone, we aren't "done!" We set out for another, then another, and another....

We can’t always change our circumstances and I suppose that can make us feel powerless. But we can always choose to find - or change - the meaning in our circumstances and in that, there is great power.

I made it!

Here's some background:

As I sat contemplating my life - what I have versus what I want versus what I think I want, etc., etc., I came to the realization that I wasn't really being honest with myself. In a renewed effort to correct my self-deception, I realized that I would have to do one of the hardest things ever - ask for help. Which also meant being really honest with myself about what I really want out of life.

Two things resulted - one, I submitted my name to an online weightloss coaching program, which is a little pricey and only takes an unspecified number of clients a couple of times per year, in the hopes that I might be accepted on their next go-round. Second result, my previous blog post (My Dirty Little Secret...) where I came shame-facedly clean.

Let me just pause a moment and say,"thank you," to all those who have contacted me and offered support. It means a lot to me that you would reach out to me and it's comforting to know that there's always somebody out there who cares and is able/willing to help. It surprised me how many people have contacted me to tell me that they seem to be able to relate. (I'm constantly amazed when someone else identifies with a struggle I'm having...) I guess we really all are in this together and all the more reason not to be afraid to reach out.

In any case, the program I submitted my name to just opened their registration today and I got a spot! So it's official - I'm in! I made it!! After getting confirmation that I had been accepted I realized just how anxious I had been to be accepted. I have a lot of faith in those who run the program and they guarantee their results 100%. Which means, as long as I follow their directions as well as I can, I'm sure to get some measure of improved health. I really can't even tell you how excited I am to be a part of this program!! I'll include a link to the website in case anyone is interested in learning more about it. It's not just a weightloss program. It's not a diet and not a temporary fix. This program is 12 months long with personalized coaching and advice.

I am so elated right now that I don't what else to say, except that I'm absolutely chuffed. (There, I had to go to the UK to even find the right words!!)

Oh, and I'm scared! But it's not fear that stems from a "fear of failure" this time - which feeling I'm extremely well acquanted with; but it's the "excitement" fear - the fear of uncertainty of the journey, but the confidence that the outcome will be worth it. Does that make sense? Because it doesn't to me; I guess that feeling is just too new.

So here's to the future and to the journey - it's gonna be great!! (Oh! And wish me luck!!)

Wellness Coaching Website:
Precision Nutrition - http://www.precisionnutrition.com/