How to be awesome

I almost forgot I had a deceptively impersonal non-interactive method of venting... I mean blog! (let's face it...)

So I am knee deep into my 1st externship of my FINAL semester! I am exhausted!!! The whole program has been hard (uh... challenging... uh... in a good way...), but I can't remember ever being this tired! (I'm starting to wonder, did I get mono or something?) It's been a great experience and I've learned a ton. One thing I've realized is how hard I am on myself. I really do expect to "be perfect" the first time I do something and when I'm not, or when I forget something or make a mistake, I feel like the worst person in the whole world. Why am I lame like that? I just need someone to smack me and say "dude, snap out of it!" (I'm not actually inviting anyone to smack me, fyi, I'm being rhetorical.)

The externship has been great, what's been hard is how high my expectations have been for myself. I'm NOT okay with making mistakes and the reality of my imperfect, mistake-making human-ness is relentlessly brutalizing me. Which I guess means I'm growing. Wow, being "okay" with mistakes... does anyone have any advice for me on how to do that? This is a non-rhetorical question. I'm literally asking anyone and everyone to please let me know.

Here's where I'm at right now:

I don't know what the 2nd step is because I haven't mastered the 1st step yet!!

Post holiday update

Christmas was fantastic! I had an awesome day with my family. We ate lots of great food and watched movies, as well as tested the limits of my mom's internet connection/bandwidth. We were all on at least one electronic device for most of the day. It makes me laugh when we are all in the same room and all on an iPad or smartphone and not really talking to each other. Our "conversations" usually go like this:

"Hey, have you seen ______ on Pinterest/YouTube, etc.?"
"No, I'll look it up."
-Looks it up-
"Ha, that's awesome/funny/cute, etc."

We are the modern American family.

The next day, i.e., the day after Christmas, my sister and I got the stomach flu. (I think it's now been named the NORO Virus?) Anyway, my sister went to the emergency room - I was fortunate in that I didn't have to go to the hospital. But it laid me out. I haven't been that sick... ever, I think. I did calculate that I haven't thrown up in 15 years - which is a testament to healthy eating and how averse I am to throwing up!

I didn't take any medicine and I think that helped me get better faster; I was better after 6 days and I'm hearing that it's taking most people at least 10. I really feel that, while medicine eases symptoms, it also delays true healing. I can either endure the symptoms for a few days or endure mild symptoms for a long time. I would rather be really sick and then get better sooner.

New Years. I tried to go to bed early, but my sleep cycles were so off that I couldn't even go to sleep until after 12... I actually wanted to go to bed at 9:30, but, oh well! I think that makes me officially old.

All in all, I enjoyed the holidays and my break. Sure, I was sick for most of it, but it was a great time to get sick because I didn't have anything else going on. I did go a bit crazy with nothing to do and I have some issues with feeling unproductive, but I think that may be material for a later post. I am glad to be back in school - this is my last semester, which is somewhat surreal to say and it probably will be until I actually graduate! I'm in a good place and happy to be where I am.

Patience

Patience...  *sigh*

I'm not really a patient person. This has really come to the forefront for me lately. Now that I am okay with making changes I want them to happen - right now. And they don't. Grrr....

For example: I get frustrated when I walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes at alternating intensities and feel great for having had a great workout  and then I wake up the next morning looking... the same. I think a small part of me expects to lose 20 lbs and see a noticeable difference after only one day of exercise. Irrational? Umm.. yeah.

Change takes time. I know this logically, but I haven't really experienced making change, ya know? I'm usually fighting change tooth and nail. I think it must come from feeling like I've wasted so much time feeling bad about myself and unworthy of anything better. Now that I am opening myself up to the possibility of feeling good about myself and worth having a better life, I don't want to waste another day - I want to be the best I can be and enjoy life to the fullest now.

But that takes time, which takes patience, and I realize that I'm still too focused on an outcome and not the process. I realize that I'm still buying into the "I'll be happy when..." syndrome. Even though I've opened myself up to the possibility that it's okay to have what I believe will enhance my happiness, it will take time to "have" it, or achieve it. I still need to remind myself that I am happy with who I am right now and that I'm okay through the process of change.

I guess patience is just another aspect of acceptance. If I truly accept myself, then I'll be patient with any change I want to make and the time it will take to change. I know that I'm okay now and whatever I change I make it'll be the process more than the actual outcome that I'll feel proud of. (Well, maybe a little bit the outcome...)

People might see the loss of 20 lbs, but what they don't see are the days, weeks, months, and years of exercise that went into it. The sacrafices of diet (*sniff* I miss you starchy carbs and sugar...). But that's what I'll see when I look in the mirror and know that I was worth the effort.

I guess patience is also an aspect of faith. Faith that my life will improve with consistent and conscientious effort. Faith that I'm worth it and faith that I can be patient until I achieve what I'm working toward because I'm okay with who I am now.

Hey! I almost forgot... Merry Christmas!! :)

Singing and resolutions

I've been contemplating taking voice lessons for a while now. Actually, I've always wanted to, but never seemed to have the time or the money. But I think I've decided, like most self-improvement related matters, they don't just happen on their own. And if not now, when? Well, apparently I was a few months too late. I was "roped" into singing in church for our Christmas program. It wasn't a big deal - just one verse of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day", but still, I lack a lot of confidence when it comes to singing in public. I was so nervous - my heart was racing; but it all went down okay and I feel like I did well enough not to worry about it anymore. It was also very good motivation to really get serious about taking voice lessons. I think I like singing enough that I would probably actually volunteer sometimes... maybe.

Different topic: New Year's Resolutions. I don't actually believe in them anymore. I've decided that what I do believe in are Resolutions to make a New Year. What I mean is, that it doesn't matter what time of year it is, if you have something in your life you want to change, make a resolution to change it. It doesn't have to be January 1st. What do February 10th, July 16th, and October 2nd all have in common? Nothing. But they work just as good as January 1 for deciding to make a change. Just make sure your resolution to change is the result of self-acceptance, not a feeling of being deficient in some way! (See previous post.)

People are amazing

I had a great visit with an independent SLP (speech-language pathologist) yesterday. She gave me some great insight and feedback into concerns regarding a private practice. I'm not actually considering going into a private practice at the moment - I'll need several years of "field" experience before I would be comfortable doing that. But she was fantastic to give me some things to think about and really helpful.

I got in touch with her from a gentleman who is a rep for an Assistive Technology company, who came to speak to our class several weeks ago. I talked with him for a bit and mentioned my interests and he told me I had to talk to this lady he knew; he put me in touch with her and... fast forward to yesterday.

Then, I reached out to a friend I new in the singles ward some time ago who does Physical Therapy. In all the last few years I've had questions on some things, I never thought to ask him. I think I was afraid that he either wouldn't be willing to help, or not able to help since I don't have insurance. In any case, I finally decided to email him and ask him for some information. He said he couldn't help me... over email, but could I come down to the clinic he works at where we could talk about it more in detail? Of course I could come down! Are you kidding me? Honestly, I know it seems rediculous, but I sat stunned at his response. I was only hoping for some direction or information, but he offered to have me come see him in person - that to me is going way above and beyond and not at all what I expected.

I had to ask myself - why didn't I think of asking for his help sooner? Oh yeah... that little four-letter "F" word: FEAR.

I've been realizing that as I develop more self-confidence, which hasn't removed fear, but it has given me more courage, I am astounded at how willing people are to help - if I just ask. Sure, not everyone I ask will be able or willing to help, but how many people WILL be? I'll never know unless I have the courage to try. The fact that I've had these few people be willing to help me gives me more encouragement and makes me realize that people really do want to be helpful and people really are amazing.

End of the semester updates

I'll jump right in to the updates:

It's been a month since I posted and I'm happy to say I've pretty much avoided all forms of Cheetoes!

I just finished up the semester a week ago. This means I have one semester left before I graduate. (I can't believe I'm typing these words!) My spring semester consists of one half-semester class (Cleft-Palate) and two 10-week externships. Then I'll graduate and start looking for jobs! Woohoo!

I know people are terrified of the externship experience - this is where we go out into the real world and, for the first week or so, observe a nationally certified Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP), then, for the next nine weeks, we step in. We are 100% observed by our externship supervisor, but we are the one in the driver's seat when it comes to providing assessment/therapy. This is a big deal. This is the "real world" experience and many of us doubt whether or not we are up to the challenge.

Oddly enough, I don't feel that way. I am so freaking excited to start. I have no illusions about how I'll do - I'm going to mess some things up and make some mistakes. But my school-clinic experience has taught me many things - one of which, is that I'm capable. I know I don't know everything, but I feel capable of learning what I need to know. I think the other reason I'm not scared is because of the previous 12 years I spent in jobs (both very good jobs!) that weren't right for me. I was miserable and dreaded waking up in the morning. Now, when I think about what I'll be doing, I feel excited to wake up and I can't wait to see who I'm going to meet, what challenge I'll be presented with and, more selfishly, what I have to learn from the people I meet. (Thus far, I've learned from every client I've worked with and they have benefitted my life immensely.)

So that's where I'm at peeps - on the verge of growing up. It hasn't been easy. I've probably said this before and I'm quite sure I'll say it again, but this Graduate School experience has been a crucible for me because it has impacted me intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don't know that I could really ever ennumerate or even explain all of the things I've learned, but I know the person I am now is not the same person I was two years ago when I started the program. I have a lot of the same challenges as ever, but I deal with them differently because I see myself differently. The fact that I can type the words "...I'm capable..." without a hesitiation (you'll just have to take my word for it that I didn't hesitate when I typed it!) is proof that I am different now.

I'll just mention briefly (if that's possible for me!) one of the things I've been working on lately: Self-acceptance and change. These are known as Dialectical Tensions and they are one of the many paradoxes at play within each of us individually and in our interpersonal relationships (thank you Bachelor's degree!). These two concepts seem to be at odds with each other - why change what you accept and how do you accept something you want to change - but in reality, both are necessary. It's easy for me to look in the mirror and see a need for change. This is due to my making a value judgment about myself, whether physical or otherwise, and seeing myself as "not measuring up" in some way. "I'm not athletic and fit, so I'm not as attractive, or desireable, as other men." In this case, change for me is necessary because I NEED to change in order to meet some imagined criterea to feel worth. This is wrong. I don't know how else to say it as plainly; it's just wrong.

What I really "need" is acceptance. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to work on acceptance when all my life I've been telling myself I'm not good enough. Then again, maybe I don't have to tell some of you out there - maybe you know just what I mean... In any case, acceptance means that I change the messages I give to myself. Instead of not measuring up, I say that "I am 'me' for a reason. I wasn't meant to be like anyone else and my unique combination of strengths and weaknesses is okay. It's okay just being me." (p.s., that last sentence actually came from Elder Hales in a message he shared in my single's ward years ago... I'm grateful I never forgot it...)

As for the paradox? It is only when I truly accept myself that I give myself the freedom to change. Because once I accept myself, I find that I WANT to change in order to live a more fulfilled life, and not that I HAVE to change in order to measure up. Wanting to change because you love yourself is so much different from feeling you need to change because you think you are deficient in some way. And that's just it - it's all about what you choose to think of yourself. I'm choosing to think differently and no, just because I can sum it up in a few paragraphs, doesn't mean the process is easy. It's not easy. It's "f-ing" hard actually. (Pardon my language.) But it's also the only way to finding true happiness and living joyfully and with purpose.

Seriously, America?

Here's why I love America:

Only in America can you take plants, strip them of all nutrients until they're broken down into a poisonous powder and/or oil, toss in some synthetic powder chemically altered to taste like cheese, puff it up with a blast of air and call it "food."

But wait, there's more...

Not only can you sell a chemical blend of powder, oil, and air as food, but then you can put it in a plain package and call it "natural." Then, not only do I want to buy it because it looks like it tastes good, but because I can actually feel good that I'm eating something totally "natural."

Becuase that's what it says on the bag.

You know what else is simply natural? Bacteria. And guess what totally natural cheese puffs look like?

I will never eat cheeto puffs again. At least, not the whole bag... in one sitting... like I did last week...

Thanks America!



Pumpkin Envy

Picture it: Walmart, 2012, 7:30am.

I was innocently shopping when two people, independently and within minutes of each other, looked into my shopping cart and complemented me on my pumpkins. (I know it sounds like a euphemism, but it's not!)

One lady even pointed out that she liked how long the stems were on my pumpkins and then asked me where I found them.

Pumpkin Envy. It's a real thing.

Two of my favorite things...

I love how this can be both ridiculous AND catchy (two of my favorite things)!

Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

A few of his songs are this way - and they're great!! His name Mika (mee-kuh).

If you also like things ridiculous and catchy also check out Lollipop (slightly wrong lyrics, but you can google the right ones), Popular Song (sorry about the swears), and Grace Kelly (who else has a ka-ching-ah! at the end of a song?). Just don't say I didn't warn you - they are ridiculous...!!

GenCon 182

I really enjoyed General Conference this year. But that's no surprise, I enjoy it every year. It gave me quite a bit to think about - as usual. One thing was different, though. Normally, the Saturday morning session is my favorite session, but this time it was the Saturday afternoon session. Virtually every talk was something I needed to hear. I didn't really take notes this time. I just put a star next to the name of the speakers that I felt like I needed to go back and study. That let me really listen and think about what was being said. I think I starred every talk Saturday afternoon. I look forward to when the talks are available to read...

School has been pretty tough lately, I haven't been able to blog as much as I've wanted. I will be glad when the semester is over, for lots of reasons.