End of the semester updates

I'll jump right in to the updates:

It's been a month since I posted and I'm happy to say I've pretty much avoided all forms of Cheetoes!

I just finished up the semester a week ago. This means I have one semester left before I graduate. (I can't believe I'm typing these words!) My spring semester consists of one half-semester class (Cleft-Palate) and two 10-week externships. Then I'll graduate and start looking for jobs! Woohoo!

I know people are terrified of the externship experience - this is where we go out into the real world and, for the first week or so, observe a nationally certified Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP), then, for the next nine weeks, we step in. We are 100% observed by our externship supervisor, but we are the one in the driver's seat when it comes to providing assessment/therapy. This is a big deal. This is the "real world" experience and many of us doubt whether or not we are up to the challenge.

Oddly enough, I don't feel that way. I am so freaking excited to start. I have no illusions about how I'll do - I'm going to mess some things up and make some mistakes. But my school-clinic experience has taught me many things - one of which, is that I'm capable. I know I don't know everything, but I feel capable of learning what I need to know. I think the other reason I'm not scared is because of the previous 12 years I spent in jobs (both very good jobs!) that weren't right for me. I was miserable and dreaded waking up in the morning. Now, when I think about what I'll be doing, I feel excited to wake up and I can't wait to see who I'm going to meet, what challenge I'll be presented with and, more selfishly, what I have to learn from the people I meet. (Thus far, I've learned from every client I've worked with and they have benefitted my life immensely.)

So that's where I'm at peeps - on the verge of growing up. It hasn't been easy. I've probably said this before and I'm quite sure I'll say it again, but this Graduate School experience has been a crucible for me because it has impacted me intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I don't know that I could really ever ennumerate or even explain all of the things I've learned, but I know the person I am now is not the same person I was two years ago when I started the program. I have a lot of the same challenges as ever, but I deal with them differently because I see myself differently. The fact that I can type the words "...I'm capable..." without a hesitiation (you'll just have to take my word for it that I didn't hesitate when I typed it!) is proof that I am different now.

I'll just mention briefly (if that's possible for me!) one of the things I've been working on lately: Self-acceptance and change. These are known as Dialectical Tensions and they are one of the many paradoxes at play within each of us individually and in our interpersonal relationships (thank you Bachelor's degree!). These two concepts seem to be at odds with each other - why change what you accept and how do you accept something you want to change - but in reality, both are necessary. It's easy for me to look in the mirror and see a need for change. This is due to my making a value judgment about myself, whether physical or otherwise, and seeing myself as "not measuring up" in some way. "I'm not athletic and fit, so I'm not as attractive, or desireable, as other men." In this case, change for me is necessary because I NEED to change in order to meet some imagined criterea to feel worth. This is wrong. I don't know how else to say it as plainly; it's just wrong.

What I really "need" is acceptance. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is to work on acceptance when all my life I've been telling myself I'm not good enough. Then again, maybe I don't have to tell some of you out there - maybe you know just what I mean... In any case, acceptance means that I change the messages I give to myself. Instead of not measuring up, I say that "I am 'me' for a reason. I wasn't meant to be like anyone else and my unique combination of strengths and weaknesses is okay. It's okay just being me." (p.s., that last sentence actually came from Elder Hales in a message he shared in my single's ward years ago... I'm grateful I never forgot it...)

As for the paradox? It is only when I truly accept myself that I give myself the freedom to change. Because once I accept myself, I find that I WANT to change in order to live a more fulfilled life, and not that I HAVE to change in order to measure up. Wanting to change because you love yourself is so much different from feeling you need to change because you think you are deficient in some way. And that's just it - it's all about what you choose to think of yourself. I'm choosing to think differently and no, just because I can sum it up in a few paragraphs, doesn't mean the process is easy. It's not easy. It's "f-ing" hard actually. (Pardon my language.) But it's also the only way to finding true happiness and living joyfully and with purpose.

I survived!

Isn't there a t.v. show called, "I should be dead?" No, wait! It's Animal Planet's "I shouldn't be alive." Okay, same difference. Anyway, that's a bit how I ended the semester. On the one hand I didn't perform as well in some of my classes as I'd hoped, but then, on the other hand, I actually ended up doing better than I thought (all A's and one B - which probably should have been a C!). Yes, I know I'm naturally hard on myself, but seriously, you know when you really haven't done your best, right?

I'm not sure what I wanted this post to be about... I don't know how to sum up the experiences and things I've learned over the last 4 months. Here I am on the otherside of one of the hardest semesters of my life and I still can't believe I got through it. It's like my perception is still trying to catch up with reality. Well, here are a few things I have reflected on...

1. Don't move during the middle of a semester!
I moved in the middle of October into my step-mom's house to watch it for her while she is on her mission (Area Office in Frankfurt, Germany). It was all supposed to work out perfectly - she would leave right after Gen Con on Oct 3rd, then I would use my Fall break to pack up and move during the 2nd week of October... until I got summoned for Jury Duty THAT week!! I felt like I had a target on my back and the universe had just been waiting for me to "hold still." Yes, it was an awful week, but I got through it. Actually, it was my family that got me through it; I could never have done it without them. They helped me pack and move; they were just there for me, which means a lot to me.

2. What am I worth?
When things started getting really hard I asked myself a lot whether or not I was capable enough to do this. Logically, I knew the answer was yes, but the doubt I felt about my ability was crushing at times. I wondered why this was so hard if I loved it so much? Shouldn't the things we love doing be "easy?" Or at least enjoyable? I was starting to feel like I had made a huge mistake and that my biggest mistake was thinking I could do this... then I remembered that I have the agency to choose both what and how I think. I realized that I have a tendency to see the world as very black and white, which it's not. I somehow learned to equate "hard" with "wrong." Meaning that if something was "too hard" then it must be the wrong thing to do becuase when you when decide to do the right thing, Heavenly Father makes it easy for you to do, right? The people of Alma, for example, were in "bondage" to the Lamanites, but Heavenly Father blessed them that their burdens were light and they could not feel them; they submitted cheerfully; etc. Well, guess, what? That's not always true. I think for me, when things get hard, it's just an opportunity to examine my faith and decide how important is the choice I am making. Part of that is having to decide whether or not I feel I am worth doing hard things.

3. Who am I here for?
I had a huge epiphany one day when it suddenly occured to me that I was more worried about what my professor's and peers would think of my grades and assignments than actually learning the material to be a competent clinician. I would look at others in the class and would find myself lacking compared to their strengths; I would worry that my professors would be disappointed in my shoddy or lackluster work. But then I had this epiphany and asked myself, who am I here for? Am I in the program to impress people? Am I here to try to get better grades than everyone else, thereby proving my importance? Is it to get the praise of my professors above others? Of course not!! I'm here because I want to help people. I'm here because I want to feel like my life has been useful to others. I'm here because I want a fulfilling career and a better life. I lose sight of that everytime I compare myself and find that I'm not good enough. The problem is in comparing myself to others. As soon as I start comparing, I lose. I found that when I stopped comparing myself, I realized that I am capable and that I'm here because I think my strengths are suited for this career. As soon as I took the pressure off to perform like everyone else, I realized that I was missing out on truly enjoying what I was learning because I wasn't learning it for me, I was learning it to try to prove my worth... well, guess what? My worth never went anywhere - it's always been inherent, I just wouldn't let myself see it. But I see it now and my hope is that all these things I have learned will help me in the future to stop adding more stress where it's not necessary. School is hard enough as it is, I don't need to make it worse by thinking I'm not capable.

These are not the lessons I expected to learn in Graduate School, but they are obviously the lessons I've needed to learn and I am grateful for that. I know I'm in the right place and I know everything will work out. Looking back, maybe it was the "Fall of Micah" afterall. Here's to Spring and 5/6 of the way through!! In other words, 1 semester down, 5 to go...

Happy inspite of...

I didn't think I'd make it past the first week and here I am! We're already talking "midterms." I can't say that I've found my groove yet though. That will take some more time. I am at least starting to feel like I'm not going to totally burn out, so for me, that is progress. One of the hardest things I am trying to adjust to is a lack of structure. I mean, there are things I know I need to do, but the order that I get them done is totally up to me and that's unusual. I'm coming from HR where there is (usually) much more structure and I can feel my brain protesting at this new style of schedule. That and the amount of information being thrown at us each day is just overwhelming!

But as I was driving home today, I put on some good music and I was thinking about everything going on and I felt happy. I didn't necessarily feel peaceful or anything, but I was able to recognize on some level that I am happy where I am. Busy, yes. Trying, yes. Struggling, yes. Hard, yes. But I'm hanging in there and that makes me feel good. I think part of the reason I'm happy is because I am being challanged in such a new way and even though it's hard, its being hard doesn't detract from the fact that I love what I'm learning and I'm looking foward to all of the things I'll be able to do and all of the people I'll be able to help. That makes me hopeful and I feel like this time of great struggle is worthwhile.

That and I just finished reading Moby Dick, which I really, really enjoyed! Back to homework...

Catching up...

...Or trying to anyway. When life changes, it changes SOOOO fast! I am feeling really overwhelmed at the moment. Graduate school is proving to be more of an adjustment than I thought. It's just flat out hard! (There is SO much to read!) I guess I knew it would be hard, but I really couldn't appreciate just how hard it was until I started. Now I can see why people kept saying, don't have another job, don't get married, have a kid, or buy a house, in other words, don't have a life for two years. They really mean it!!

I know I'll get through it, though. I know I will adjust, it's just that it's taking much more time than I thought it would. It's really making me question what I think I'm capable of and what I think I deserve (I really hate that word "deserve"). It might actually be more accurate to say, what I'm worth. Which is really a good thing. I'm glad that I'm in a place in life where I can be asking these questions of myself. I think that, in and of itself, is a sign of growth.

I am sad that I had to quit my job this week. I will miss the people I work(ed) with. They were (are) so much fun! But, with the school workload being what it is (and being offered a position to work in the department, which is a huge honor) I know it was the right thing to do. I am so excited to be working for my professors, getting to know them on a more personal level will be a great experience for me. I will really benefit as a clinician from my experience working for them. (I start working for them next week!)

I have also received my apprenticeship assignment at the Clinic and I am way excited about it. So as some background, even in our first semester, we are assigned to a mentor who is working with a specific client, and potentially, by the end of the semester we may even get to conduct a session or two with the client (with our mentor present, obviously!). Then, our second semester we are assigned our very own client! So they kind of just throw us in the fire from the very beginning. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. In any case, I did some clinical observation hours over the summer and I saw a few clients in particular. Well, as luck would have it, the client I've been assigned to just happens to be one of the people I had observed most! I feel really fortunate to get to work with somone I "already know," and it feels even more serendipitous knowing that the assignments were all random! Yet another reason to feel like I'm in the right place.

Even though I go home some nights wondering how I'm going to get through it, I know I'm in the right place. I know that everything will work out because it already is working out. I love what I'm learning and I know that when I get through it, my life will be so much better because I'll be doing something I love and can be passionate about.

The Fall of Micah

First off, just let me say, I wish I had more interesting things to blog about. I always find myself fascinated by other blogger's posts and wonder how they can find such interesting things to say. Then I realized - they are pretty much blogging about their average day, but because it's not my life, it sounds interesting. Maybe I'll try to add more posts about mundane things and see what happens.

I'll spare you the background story and get right to the point of my next thought. (My sister's will tell you - I'm a horrible storyteller, so I'm doing you a favor! You're welcome! *SNAP*) This is the Fall of Micah. So you know how some people say's it's "their year?" Great things are about to happen; they can feel it coming. As if a distant train, bearing a cornucopia of blessings, is speeding toward them with nothing but a faint rumbling in the ground to announce it's approach. For some people, the train has more of a timetable and it's not just their year, but their season, for example, "this is going to be the Summer of Carl," or whatever. Well, that's how I feel with Grad School starting this Fall. It's the Fall of Micah. I feel like great things are going to happen. There's an anticipation I can't describe or even attach to any specific future event - I just think life is going to be great! (Someone suggested to me the Autumn of Micah, but it didn't have the same ring to it.) Quite frankly, I feel like I have been 'falling' most of my life and I appreciate the irony of finally 'landing' on my feet during a Fall. (It's amazing how many good things can come from a Fall! And, yes, that was a shout out to Adam and Eve! And, no, it's not just you, I'm cringing at my own lame-ness!!) So, this is the Fall of Micah.

On a different note. Most of my job now is to conduct phone surveys. (Yes, it's as much fun as it sounds!) Here is what I look like at work with my headset on:

Here's how I feel about wearing it!

Just typing my thoughts...

So I bought a new phone recently and I love it! It's a Thunderbolt by HTC; it's a smartphone with the capability to become a hotspot. In other words, I now have access to the internet anywhere I can get a cell phone signal AND I can run the internet off my computer from it! I LOVE it!!! I mean, I HEART it!!! (As a side note, I also love that I can feel like Harry Potter by saying that I have my very own Thunderbolt!! Yeah, I'm a nerd - I totally "own" it!!)

I cancelled my home internet about a year ago to save money and I'm really glad I did. Quite frankly, I can't believe I did without the internet at home for A YEAR!! But I really felt that with starting grad school in the Fall, not to mention my online summer class, that it was becoming more of a need. I did the first half of my summer class without it and it was tough. I had to go to the Library and be there ALL day - it was becoming extremely hard to do. Having the internet has made it significantly easier to participate in an online class - imagine that! It was good timing actually, my online class has gotten much harder where it requires me to do much more research. I thought I would be bored only working 3 days a week, but now that I have so much to do for this class, it's turned out to be a blessing.

Crikey! I just realized that I keep saying "starting school in the Fall," when I just realized - that's next month! Great googly-moogly!! I can't believe how good it feels to say "I'm starting Grad school next month!"

AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!! (kind of freaking out here!)

It almost seems surreal in a way. It was just about a year ago I was contemplating life and my direction when I made a decision to go back to school. Looking back, it's amazing to see how everything has fallen into place. For me it feels like some kind of divine intervention. A part of me wants to believe that all that has happened was somehow "meant to be," but I've learned another lesson. Sometimes, Heavenly Father just wants to bless me and He is capable of making things work out in such a way that it feels like fate or destiny or whatever. But really, it's just love. He loves to bless me when I choose to do good things. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be here without Him. I know that all the good things that have happened to me have been His doing. I also know that all the bad things I've been through have been for my good too. I don't know how to express that idea adequately so I'll save that thought for another day. Suffice it to say: I may have made some choices, but He made it all possible.

More info

I felt good about applying to Grad School and felt confident I was going to get in, but then the doubts came...

Especially when all the Audiology students were hearing back, but not the SLP students - granted, they have a different admission committee, but still.

Then I was talking to a friend who said they normally have about 60 people apply and admit about 25-30 people. Normally. Because of the economy, this year was different. They had about 187 applications!! 3 times the "normal" amount. I have not asked (nor do I want to) how many people they admitted. I'm guessing they admitted more than usual, but still! After thinking about it, I realized that I should be even more honored than I was at first. This was never a competition for me, but hearing that 187 people applied suddenly made me feel like it was. In any case, I am even more humbled that they accepted me and feel like this is definitely the right thing for me to be doing.

(Now if I could just lose like a hundred pounds, life would be REALLY awesome!!!)